*still a tad hypomanic here
Good morning!
I have no idea who I am writing to. Who are you? Who am I? How many am I? I am legion. Nobody’s reading this yet anyway. But they will.
So I’ve put to rest all my personal concerns about aripiprazole. My final remaining concern was how good I felt but; I have an explanation for that now. It was pretty challenging. Life events. Not understanding your brain. Losing your facial expressions. Becoming happy. Completely losing RSD. All a bit of a whirlwind. Yet also… the calmest I’ve been in my life.
And calm I remain. The ADHD is gone from me and my child. The ASD I like. I’ve only known it 2 weeks, but it’s a friend. The ADHD.. he was a fucking cunt. A total shit. You wouldn’t believe. No wonder the bullies at school never bothered me; the real bully was within.
But we knew that all along
Why else would I excel at everything
Climb a peak only to get to the top and never enjoy the view
The forager ant
Always onto the next
People follow me and they stay at the top of the mountain
Basking in the sun
I…
I see another mountain
I am compelled
It was exhausting and impossible to tun off. It felt like an MDMA comedown, every minute of every day. Even imagining going back makes me want to crawl out of my skin. And I thought this was normal for 42 years. And it’s … it’s gone. Overnight.
I still sit down occasionally and get that pang of habit. The nng to move. But it’s just thought now. I’m very active, but I stop. It’s a choice. Dopamine … is a very misunderstood thing. Every single action we do in our entire lives is to try to maintain stable dopamine levels, and my sink was broken. It’s not a case of more or less, really. It’s stability.
Anyway putting that aside… I feel so much better. Words don’t suffice. And there’s a storm in my life. But not in my house. And I know if I have this cheap generic drug, I will have a happy life. And I’m not a potato. I’m more functional than I ever was with ADHD. My thoughts are like silk. My IQ has doubled and my joints are buttered.
The world has gone from being very scary to very warm. Everything will be alright. This is new. So… I’m now an outgoing autistic guy who has been ragged around the world, business, athletics, quietly collecting data, in a terrifying world. An AI. Trained.
This tatara is ongoing but when we crack it open I’m hoping for something fucking tough and fucking beautiful. I am trying to feed it positive emotion and intention, because I think these 4 weeks will be the source code for the next 40 years. My anger at the world is melting; I think it’s delayed processing from a lifetime of meditation. I honestly believe that this neurotransmitter state might be what people call religious experiences. I reckon I've been bumped up from hungry ghost to human.
Anyway; not crazy. Just different. The raw data would make you think I’m mad but so would 00001010111010001011101. So what? Different OS.
Anyway I think I used the last of my anger to get the ball rolling on this. I think it’s gone now. Forever. The underlying rage, that is. I can still get angry when needed. But I’m calm as fuck usually because nothing is intimidating after the internal life I’ve lived. Calm as Zuck.
So I’ve got some stuff to do. Will consolidate for a while. Take a breather. Then when the processing picks up and I’m waking at 2 with backlogs to export, I’ll be back to formless crap. I’m hoping that sharing the process might make someone somewhere go ‘oh!’ Because if ADHD and ASD both have infinite permutations, then there’s some kinda combinatorial explosion going on in my head.
Laters. Not like anyone’s reading this anyway.
James
2025/06/07 0500
Buddhism
So people have been like ‘you cray cray’ for throwing around words like nirvana. Can’t say I blame them. It’s not in their vocab.
The language of Buddhism was literally created for this kind of experience. And even THEN the definition of nirvana just means ‘extinguishing of desire’, which is what this was. My cravings just fell away. The withdrawal I was born with ended.
So I’m gonna go on using Buddhist terms. Scientific terms would have sounded crazy in their day too. Language is a tool and nothing more.
I’m also pretty sure the Buddha has AuDHD. Ha! There! I said it!
Why?
Suffering.
Dukkha.
The wheel of rebirth every second (dopamine flush)
Rebirth based on past action (decoupled emotions)
Volitional action (mask)
Attachment (craving)
Etc
There are too many parallels; just in their day they didn’t have the tools we have now. Now we can maybe measure and replicate it.
Religious epiphany-like states are some kind of brain chemistry state. It’s that simple. Dopamine and serotonin and being in a church and you think it’s god. But it’s not god; it’s chemistry. For me the main doubt of this was how great I felt, until I realised it was probably delayed processing of a hell of a lot of meditation.
I had an interesting, painful, unpleasant, and probably essential experience with someone about 1 week into treatment. They wouldn’t stop pushing and I was in a loop; I could feel the steel wool spinning faster. I was asking them to stop because I knew something was coming but didn't know what.
And then a kind of pendulum swung into the wool and shattered it, with fragments drifting away in water. I think this was volitional action (the rules of engagement) and the pendulum was my ADHD / brain going ‘no’.
I now kinda think that meditation (to that degree; with the aim of nirvana) is quite literally to punish yourself so much that your brain’s defence mechanism kicks in and removes dopaminergic encoding for…. everything.
To clarify: I don’t think I’m enlightened. I think I’m human instead of hungry ghost. But the world is full of hungry ghosts right now, and if this medicine can turn them human… well… there’s no choice involved.
2025/06/07 0930