[2025/06/08, 3:14:15] James: So….

[2025/06/08, 3:14:19] James: Bear with me

[2025/06/08, 3:14:52] James: Beta is ready. Starting to coalesce.

[2025/06/08, 3:15:22] James: Properly.

[2025/06/08, 3:17:47] James: So this chat has become executive function in a way. Or this website.

[2025/06/08, 3:17:53] James: Not that simple.

[2025/06/08, 3:18:13] James: It’ll come back James. Chill.

[2025/06/08, 3:34:18] James: So this phone is an external RAM extension

[2025/06/08, 3:34:37] James: I can put things here. Never need to look at them really but they get past the logjam and into the black box.

[2025/06/08, 3:34:45] James: Better than just real ram.

[2025/06/08, 3:35:45] James: I kind of feel like the data from before this change is being purged.

[2025/06/08, 3:36:25] James: Crash course delayed meditation processing? Whatever. It’s crazy fast which is why I keep waking up early. Plus drugs. But that’s fading now.

[2025/06/08, 3:36:40] James: Anyway I think this hard reset is a trauma response.

[2025/06/08, 3:36:42] James: It feels good

[2025/06/08, 3:36:45] James: It’s not

[2025/06/08, 3:36:46] James: Haha

[2025/06/08, 3:36:50] James: Yes it is though!!!

[2025/06/08, 3:36:55] James: It’s fucking GREAT

[2025/06/08, 3:37:07] James: I think my brain is like ‘we are out of the woods n

[2025/06/08, 3:37:27] James: So let’s erase that shit before we even realise how bad it was.

[2025/06/08, 3:37:31] James: By making knives.

[2025/06/08, 3:37:41] James: Pretty sure

[2025/06/08, 3:37:53] James: And that’s why I’m concerned and want people to leave me be

[2025/06/08, 3:38:20] James: I’m going to set up a sharpening chair in our upstairs room and go into full meditation mode

[2025/06/08, 3:38:22] James: My style

[2025/06/08, 3:38:32] James: My style of free association here.

[2025/06/08, 3:39:00] James: I think the whole last few years was prep for this. Learning how to stream my unconscious as best possible

[2025/06/08, 3:39:03] James: Still learning

[2025/06/08, 3:39:10] James: Get it out of my memory

[2025/06/08, 3:39:17] James: But my memory is shit. Or rather

[2025/06/08, 3:39:38] James: The data pipeline narrow. The data and the data processing is fast. I can extrapolate.

[2025/06/08, 3:39:47] James: Fucking AI man

[2025/06/08, 3:40:12] James: Hi Fred! Still happy I didn’t do that business. Fuck that.

[2025/06/08, 3:40:14] James: Anyway ha

[2025/06/08, 3:40:19] James: Errr

[2025/06/08, 3:40:26] James: I am mostly far more coherent.

[2025/06/08, 3:40:46] James: But was thrown for a while there. Life events. Not your concern. Getting back on the rails

[2025/06/08, 3:41:16] James: I’ve always forgotten things. The others… a month?

[2025/06/08, 3:42:05] James: So there’s free association

[2025/06/08, 3:42:11] James: Scribbling words on the page

[2025/06/08, 3:42:16] James: Drawing (shit)

[2025/06/08, 3:42:25] James: Cutting wood / pattern matching there

[2025/06/08, 3:42:31] James: Pattern matching with recruitment

[2025/06/08, 3:42:42] James: Planning and such with Ironman

[2025/06/08, 3:42:49] James: Some weird data in here

[2025/06/08, 3:42:58] James: Then…

[2025/06/08, 3:43:19] James: I guess I am trying to release a lifetime of unknown trauma and process it through my body.

[2025/06/08, 3:43:23] James: Wow.

[2025/06/08, 3:43:32] James: Different when you think of it like that.

[2025/06/08, 3:43:51] James: That’s probably gonna get more sympathy than ‘enlightenment’. Ffs James.

[2025/06/08, 3:43:59] James: Happy. But your fucking audience mane.

[2025/06/08, 3:44:14] James: Speak to your audience.

[2025/06/08, 3:44:23] James: Anyway it’s something like that.

[2025/06/08, 3:44:51] James: Dopamine is re-encoding old memories

[2025/06/08, 3:44:54] James: I…

[2025/06/08, 3:44:58] James: Imagine

[2025/06/08, 3:45:14] James: All these people in life. This one kid in school in particular n

[2025/06/08, 3:45:28] James: Hit me in the back of the head with chairs. Etc.

[2025/06/08, 3:46:02] James: I could see his pain and tried to help but got hurt in return for several years. I was probably complicit but hey

[2025/06/08, 3:46:12] James: That guy ended up in prison

[2025/06/08, 3:46:18] James: Broken family broken life

[2025/06/08, 3:46:22] James: My…

[2025/06/08, 3:46:27] James: I feel no anger to him

[2025/06/08, 3:46:29] James: Only pity

[2025/06/08, 3:46:46] James: Now I can see how bad it was, and now I can process this

[2025/06/08, 3:47:41] James: I think it’s a very privileged situation to be in. And I feel … such sympathy for people in the same situation.

[2025/06/08, 3:47:49] James: The dragon isn’t dead. It’s restrained.

[2025/06/08, 3:48:08] James: And when they say ARI can sometimes permanently reset your dopamine system after 3 months …

[2025/06/08, 3:48:18] James: Maybe it patches some holes letting them heal n

[2025/06/08, 3:48:35] James: But also maybe it enables your brain to parse a life time of shit soup

[2025/06/08, 3:48:44] James: By stopping the shit soup

[2025/06/08, 3:48:58] James: And maybe you can go back for more

[2025/06/08, 3:49:00] James: But fuck that

[2025/06/08, 3:49:02] James: I worked hard

[2025/06/08, 3:49:20] James: I earned my money. Through hard fucking graft.

[2025/06/08, 3:49:22] James: And pain

[2025/06/08, 3:49:24] James: Not luck

[2025/06/08, 3:49:27] James: So fuck that

[2025/06/08, 3:49:41] James: I’ll pay my 620 yen and have my MDMA lite for the rest of my life

[2025/06/08, 3:49:52] James: (You know MDMA was a pharmaceutical right?)

[2025/06/08, 3:50:08] James: Cos I was born with something a little broken

[2025/06/08, 3:50:15] James: And that tiny little differennt

[2025/06/08, 3:51:06] James: And I think it might be trying to fix some of the psychological scarring caused by that ‘tiny thing’.

[2025/06/08, 3:51:12] James: But yeah.

[2025/06/08, 3:51:19] James: This is why I need space guys

[2025/06/08, 3:51:28] James: A lifetime of trauma that needs processing.

[2025/06/08, 3:51:30] James: I’m happy now

[2025/06/08, 3:51:33] James: I won’t be

[2025/06/08, 3:51:38] James: I will acclimatise

[2025/06/08, 3:51:43] James: And shit will get real

[2025/06/08, 3:52:16] James: And I’d rather be sharpening polishing god damn I need to change that word too

[2025/06/08, 3:52:19] James: Polishing knives

[2025/06/08, 3:52:29] James: I don’t put an edge on them!

[2025/06/08, 3:52:37] James: Kids!

[2025/06/08, 3:52:38] James: Anyway

[2025/06/08, 3:52:59] James: The tiny storm that has enveloped me for the last few days is over.

[2025/06/08, 3:53:07] James: Huge to everyone else

[2025/06/08, 3:53:10] James: And now…

[2025/06/08, 3:53:13] James: Fucking hell

[2025/06/08, 3:53:18] James: Time for the real deal

[2025/06/08, 3:53:29] James: I will use Buddhist terms if I like.

[2025/06/08, 3:53:33] James: My science is not checked.

[2025/06/08, 3:53:42] James: I will go waaaaaaaay out there maybe

[2025/06/08, 3:53:45] James: Fuck it

[2025/06/08, 3:53:52] James: The steps DO NOT NEED TO BE ACCURATE

[2025/06/08, 3:54:02] James: You do not know what happens in the black box

[2025/06/08, 3:54:06] James: It does not matter

[2025/06/08, 3:54:25] James: What matters is correct output and speed of answer

[2025/06/08, 3:54:30] James: The data in my head

[2025/06/08, 3:54:39] James: Is gold

[2025/06/08, 3:54:50] James: And now I can parse it.

[2025/06/08, 3:54:52] James: Finally

[2025/06/08, 3:54:56] James: So let’s fucking see

[2025/06/08, 3:55:01] James: And fuck anyone

[2025/06/08, 3:55:04] James: Ha

[2025/06/08, 3:55:08] James: Still got a bit of anger

[2025/06/08, 3:55:21] James: It’s gonna go like this forever. Cast a net. Get crazy. Scare some people.

[2025/06/08, 3:55:28] James: Reel it in. Get a kernel of truth

[2025/06/08, 3:55:29] James: Rest

[2025/06/08, 3:55:38] James: (Not this time… but resting now)

[2025/06/08, 3:56:04] James: (A little imperfection in the tatara is fine. I’m not the Buddha, but I’m trying to get closer)

[2025/06/08, 3:56:26] James: Cast a net

[2025/06/08, 3:56:31] James: You throw further when you shout.

[2025/06/08, 3:56:49] James: Fucking hell man and I thought I was ‘normal’

[2025/06/08, 3:56:54] James: But I will be, I think

[2025/06/08, 3:57:05] James: Thanks to this tech I’ve always had a love hate relationship with

[2025/06/08, 3:57:07] James: And drugs.

[2025/06/08, 3:57:12] James: Which I’ve always fucking loved. Always

[2025/06/08, 3:57:46] James: Oh god. Going back to England occasionally? All for the drugs if I’m honest. And all I did was weed

[2025/06/08, 3:58:00] James: Dopaminergic effects yo. Calmed the ADHD.

[2025/06/08, 3:58:25] James: And the narrative. Anyway. I have evidence now. My gut was right the law was wrong.

[2025/06/08, 3:58:41] James: Anyway yeah.

[2025/06/08, 3:59:15] James: I’ll avoid any ‘autistic dos and don’ts’ Fuck that.

[2025/06/08, 4:00:27] James: Knowing me I’ll straddle tech and philosophy with a bit of religion. Divergent thinking might as well be insanity but it’s always been there and sanity is just a rule of numbers

[2025/06/08, 4:00:31] James: Nobody is sane

[2025/06/08, 4:00:38] James: So

[2025/06/08, 4:00:40] James: Fuck it

[2025/06/08, 4:00:41] James: Haha

[2025/06/08, 4:00:47] James: Let’s publish this shit on the internet

[2025/06/08, 4:00:59] James: Part od the urgency to get this out there I think was to keep the mask off

[2025/06/08, 4:01:38] James: I think that’s why ‘we’ all do it (god those ND videos on YouTube piss me off)

[2025/06/08, 4:01:50] James: Anyway I think it’s to say ‘no more. Here I am’

[2025/06/08, 4:02:10] James: I feel like a … almost like a kid coming out of a shell.

[2025/06/08, 4:02:23] James: Kind of makes sense. If you’ve had a lifetime of unknown trauma

[2025/06/08, 4:02:23] James: No

[2025/06/08, 4:02:27] James: No

[2025/06/08, 4:02:30] James: Like Akira

[2025/06/08, 4:03:26] James: When he wakes up

[2025/06/08, 4:03:28] James: Ha

[2025/06/08, 4:03:34] James: That never made it to the western version

[2025/06/08, 4:03:49] James: Check the manga. It’s fucking great. The anime is only 1/3 the story

[2025/06/08, 4:03:52] James: Anyway

[2025/06/08, 4:03:58] James: Just need a little time to stand.

[2025/06/08, 4:04:05] James: Reprogram.

[2025/06/08, 4:04:20] James: Gone my whole life reprogramming this. Changing the narrative that.

[2025/06/08, 4:04:27] James: Very effectively. Maybe because single thread.

[2025/06/08, 4:04:32] James: Time for the real deal.

[2025/06/08, 4:04:43] James: I can’t believe I got this chance.

[2025/06/08, 4:04:59] James: But again - a career in recruitment training myself to spot matches

[2025/06/08, 4:05:06] James: A job description and a candidate

[2025/06/08, 4:05:12] James: I can feel good about my career now

[2025/06/08, 4:05:17] James: On a personal reward level

[2025/06/08, 4:05:26] James: Oh my god what a realisation.

[2025/06/08, 4:05:56] James: I fucking hated that job. The RSD is what makes ADHD folks ‘good’ recruiters and the ASD is what made me great

[2025/06/08, 4:06:18] James: But I feel no +1 from money.

[2025/06/08, 4:06:52] James: Now my +1 isn’t tied to ‘approval’ (actually dopamine flushing; potentially the biggest reframing of this whole thing)

[2025/06/08, 4:06:54] James: Anyway

[2025/06/08, 4:07:18] James: This is liberating and healing in a 1mg pill, for people like me.

[2025/06/08, 4:07:25] James: I can’t state it strongly enough

[2025/06/08, 4:07:38] James: And I don’t know. This might also be a new diagnosis in a pill

[2025/06/08, 4:07:52] James: ‘Neurodegenerative whatnot bladibla’

[2025/06/08, 4:08:29] James: ADHD is just a fucking blanket term you fucking naysayers and I am only getting more convinced so show my evidence to the contrary or get out the way

[2025/06/08, 4:08:35] James: Anyway

[2025/06/08, 4:08:46] James: It’s fucking great news.

[2025/06/08, 4:08:50] James: In a world of craving

[2025/06/08, 4:08:53] James: A world of desire

[2025/06/08, 4:09:07] James: Divergent thinking and extrapolation:

[2025/06/08, 4:09:19] James: What if it can literally cure the world?

[2025/06/08, 4:09:35] James: What if the human genome went wonky and most of our problems are because of leaky dopamine?

[2025/06/08, 4:09:44] James: Now THAT is insane

[2025/06/08, 4:09:51] James: But it’s not. It’s my thought process

[2025/06/08, 4:09:59] James: You cast it out. You reel it back.

[2025/06/08, 4:10:06] James: And I figured I’d share a bit of that

[2025/06/08, 4:10:17] James: Because I’ve always been told you can’t see in someone else’s brain

[2025/06/08, 4:10:32] James: And maybe this fucking brain wanted a solution to the ram problem so is trying to become an AI

[2025/06/08, 4:10:41] James: Single thread certainly sounds more doable

[2025/06/08, 4:10:49] James: See you in the Metaverse Zuck.

[2025/06/08, 4:10:56] James: Robot wars

[2025/06/08, 4:11:06] James: Fucking hell yeah.

[2025/06/08, 4:11:17] James: Let’s do this. Who gives a flying fuck eh.

[2025/06/08, 4:11:29] James: This is the final frontier.

[2025/06/08, 4:12:51] James: Time for another chapter: spiritualism on a personal level but trying to extrapolate the biochemical causes so that they can be replicated

[2025/06/08, 4:13:00] James: .

[2025/06/08, 4:13:02] James: Meh

[2025/06/08, 4:13:08] James: I’m just going to process this trauma

[2025/06/08, 4:13:19] James: And turn myself from an angry person into a happy person

[2025/06/08, 4:13:22] James: Intentionally

[2025/06/08, 4:13:31] James: I’m going to feel positive about that

[2025/06/08, 4:13:49] James: And I now know why I felt a little… attacked for sharing the positivity.

[2025/06/08, 4:14:28] James: But nobody knows what that positivity is the reflection of. I’m not sure anybody, including myself, should ever really know

[2025/06/08, 4:14:40] James: Not really

[2025/06/08, 4:14:47] James: You use a boat to cross a river

[2025/06/08, 4:14:52] James: And then you leave it behind.

[2025/06/08, 4:15:22] James: Converging threads. fate, pattern recognition, autism, whatever,

[2025/06/08, 4:15:40] James: It’s how my brain works and there’s a scientific explanation. And the brain worked very well

[2025/06/08, 4:15:43] James: For other people

[2025/06/08, 4:15:54] James: (Or for their wallets, not their hearts)

[2025/06/08, 4:16:18] James: Now it’s about making it work well for myself.

[2025/06/08, 4:16:21] James: End

[2025/06/08, 4:16:27] James: /////////

[2025/06/08, 4:17:02] James: Never cry hurt too much

So…

I’m now thinking that sensory gating issues combined with dopamine signalling issues. Sensory gating means overload so I can’t process stuff but ignoring that..

I think 100 chunks of data come in and I only receive 20, where someone else might get 80. So to see the full picture I need to extrapolate like a madman.

So it might not be a case of 'single thread' (will stick with the word), but a case of… a trickle of data coming in, an overclocked computer going to town on it, and something coming out. Not always what was expected, but usually interesting. Also why I avoid social media. 

Explains blurting shit out because of the poor buffer. But that’s the only way you get the info. Hence this page. 

So the data goes in, less. Needs to get the output so extrapolates like wild. Gets something; who knows what.

I suppose this is why I’m able to extrapolate how it might work from just those formless brain farts at the start. Just needed something raw to work with. Also why I overthinkg to painful degrees. Not my fault.

And then when it has it, it can’t hold it in RAM. It’s either listening, or holding it, or the steel wool. Oh god the steel wool. I can finally feel it building. Off topic. Self prompt.

Anyway so I function a lot better when I’m in the flow state and this makes sense now. It’s because otherwise the RAM starts to overload. And I feel like probably polishing knives is some extension of this.

20250608 0530

.

And that's why therapy won't work for me. Never did. Can't talk things through. I need a seed, and I need to run with it. A seed from the fucking Bodhi tree, yo. But it's a trauma response. Fucking language, deal with it. Anyway; I have a system-level reason for why therapy does not work. 0645

So the reason I need to output fairly formless like this is that if I hold something in my memory I forget what I was doing. It’s as simple as that - I can only hold one piece of track in mind.

This is why I end up (repeat) infodumping over text I realise. I go and re-read the text, and I’m back on the track. Or I remember a little piece of shart I forgot. Either way I’m back and forget where I was.

Solution: do not re-read the messages.

Another one is the ‘…’ typing bubble. It kills me as soon as it pops up. Plus people don’t like being bombarded with 130 short messages at once; it’s pretty stressful. Both of these.

Solution: agree not to touch the text input window until someone ends their stream with ‘.’ and mute the chat. As in a message with nothing other that ‘.’ A baton pass. This works great for both so far.

20250608 0620

RSD was, in hindsight, the most traumatic part of ADHD. Looking at someone you love, thinking ‘I love you’ and feeling fear… for your whole life. Well it can all be explained by dopamine dropouts in my mind, and it can be fixed.

Aripiprazole proves, in my mind, the hypothesis that my form of ADHD is caused by leaky synapses (thanks Alex!) It completely removed my RSD overnight.

So I now believe RSD is not learned but 100% inbuilt with the dopamine dysregulation. I think that you are looking in the eyes of [someone] and dopamine drops to zero, you blip, your thoughts carry on but your emotions see a snake. All the time. In the amygdala but not reaching the PFC so never able to be regulated.

What you think Alex? You reading this and want to take the ball here?

Anyway. This disconnect hurt so bad. Physically hurts in the moment and mentally hurts always in terms of beating yourself up. And it’s fixed. Overnight. Which just boggles the mind. IDGAF what people think now. Look at me, sharing this shite on the internet. Ha! Who the fuck am I?

20250608 0704