20250609-2

Aripiprazole ‘trip report'... because that's what it was

Finally deleted LinkedIn; another long overdue change. Wanted to record what happened over the last 2 weeks since it’s clinically significant and I still believe that a) this drug is a miracle and/or b) this is pretty strong stuff to give kids. So not 100% sure it’s necessary for my own child.

Good data, see.

So. Drugs.

This was MDMA-lite for 2 weeks. 1 week for each dose increase.

I knew I wasn’t enlightened but felt like I had stepped from hungry ghost to human and was overjoyed. I still feel this, and positive, but not overjoyed. This fed into ‘hypomania’, but if I’m honest I think it was just a pharmacologically predictable effect of the drug binding to my dopamine and serotonin receptors. It was just FAR more intense than expected, because there’s no recorded subjective data in adults. It’s like a pill come-up spread over the course of a week.

So hopefully now it’s over and we live in the ‘kingdom of heaven’ or something like that; ha. At the very least this should put me in a better brain state, but the philosophical stuff I’ll save for other posts.

So…

I start Abilify at a theme park with my kid. I lose all appetite and ride rollercoasters. All good so far. I drive back... Made it. Lots of floaty feelings, legs electric jelly, kind of buzzing a little but calm, hypermotivated. Not sleeping and no hedonic eating; only eat to appetite and not much of that. Pills.

Then on day 4 it was like ‘click’ and a light went on. Everything felt great, natural and amazing. I had come up! My thoughts were butter. My joints oiled. ALL the tension in my face melted. And I became a lot more autistic and motivated; happy for the first time in over a year.

So sensitivities were kind of dialled up a little while caring about them (and other people!) was dialled down. Or rather they were shuffled; noise doesn’t bother as much but I can’t process faces as well. RSD vanished. Task switching was so incredibly easy. Whatever it was, it seemed to switch ADHD off. It still seems to be switched off. So I’m hopeful that the ‘episode’ was just the med acting as expected. But the spectre of bipolarity lives on. I don't believe I was hypomanic here.

Then I upped the dose too quickly, 0.5mg to 1mg after 8 days. Should have waited but years as a drug user, final relief, if something feels good I’m gonna do more. Lesson learned - these are far more powerful than recreational drugs, including the ‘hard stuff’. These change things at a more fundamental level. I had just confirmed a 2-month suspicion of autism and had a tricky personal situation to navigate.

Anyway nothing dangerous happened but I did get a bit intense with my words while slack-facedly ‘sharpening’ (polishing) sword fragments. Full psycho! I am still more ASD but happier about everything that ails me, and less things ail me.

I’m hopeful for the drug aripiprazole for adult ADHD, but I am not sure it’s great for childhood ASD. I think we are basically giving the kids E. But hey… I loved pills when I was a kid and a happy life for your child… where’s the line and is it fair for someone with happy brain chemistry to tell someone with unhappy stuff to ‘suck it that’s your karma’? Another post.

So - I came out of a whirlwind of activity with this blog site, a better understanding of my ADHD and ASD, a newfound respect for pharmaceuticals, less baggage from a past life by dropping). I think that I somehow used the hypomania (I was high, guys, ffs) to set up the roots for my next life, and now I’m planning to let it grow, nice and slowly if possible.

The closest experience to date was when I did shrooms and pills together and saw god. I feel like this has removed a fair chunk of volitional programming as it ramped up, and am able to program a few more patterns of thought or behaviour in there instead and conciously try to change them.

This site will be for me going forward. It always was, but it became about the medicine for a while; about others. There have been a lot of misunderstandings over the years. A lot of poison fruit. I feel like I have the tools to heal the roots now, and everything else might come with time.

Many times over my life I have intentionally reprogrammed myself. This is the big one, and I’m going to try to take it slow and program myself to be a calm and happy person. It’s like each time we smash a persona we free up space for a new program. This was the global persona, and I feel like I have a unique opportunity to fill the empty receptacle with something nice for once.

Anyway feelin’ good. Time to rub some steel

20250609 1136

The subjective experience: god mode

So… this all went pear shaped due to timing of a family visit and some personal stupidity. I was planning 0.5mg but since I felt too good, I was went to the doctor to screen for mania, and was cleared. I then opted to increase the dose, since I felt too good, so… don’t do that. Or do. But be alone for a week. Cos it’ll get weird.

I’m interested in the scientific explanation for spiritual states after this little ditty.

So this was a spiritual awakening. The human experience, different language for the same thing, I interpreted it as an autistic awakening and tried to explain it in scientific terms. I had suddenly opened my eyes to my autistic self, and he was standing up fully formed, like a little homunculus. He had been there all along, and he was me, like the tatara bloom or a naked little terminator. This is an exaggeration; there was no hallucination though memory is hazy.

Motivation was +50% and I’m intense to begin with. I was so convinced that I needed to get this drug to the world asap that I just… moved. No choice. One hour of human suffering was unacceptable in my mind. Dopamine. The anger. I knew I needed to use it before it vanished, because this is how I’ve done business etc all my life. Task initiation with anger. Yet I also felt more calm and collected than I’ve ever been. Thoughts like silk.

… and I think in a way I was. Because I think this drug does treat all of my ADHD and ASD issues. I have no more volatile emotions or RSD, yet. Task initiation and switching is easier. So I think on one side it was treating things clinically and on the other side it made me high as fuck.

Got me thinking seriously again about identity, rebirth, past lives, etc. I felt a lot of that; intuited it but in a more scientific ‘fragmented personality’ sense with the personas I have adopted over the years. I felt a gradual coalescing of these disparate pieces into a coherent narrative.

There was a kind of falling away of the ‘steel wool’ I came to visualise in my mind; I now think this was what Buddha called volitional action; the rules of engagement. All those expressions and eye contact I maybe-remember practicing in the mirror as a kid were wiped. I felt my brain’s ADHD defence mechanism (is that a thing?) kick in and change dopaminergic encoding for various people and memories. My anger at the world disappeared.

All the wellbeing and satisfaction I should have felt from past accomplishments flooded me. I felt warmth and happiness, and peace. My IQ felt like it had increased by 40 and my brain was on rails. If I had been in a religious congregation I would have been speaking in tongues; I felt I needed to preserve things as raw as possible so texted myself a lot with info stream-of-consciousness.

This info included all these little hacks tailored to autistic myself. I also went a bit mad on trying to figure out my brain, and a coherent system model to understand its strengths and limitations. I actually think I might not be far off and will use it as a seed for when I next head down that rabbit hole.

So yeah…. It was a ‘falling away’. 100% it was. I literally saw the steel wool fall away and lost my cravings. Still had preferences. It wasn’t a complete extinguishment of self but a partial one, and I tried to guide it as it went.

It was… interesting. And I ended up with one more blog and one less LinkedIn account. A fair trade.

actually there might be something here. MDMA and psylocybin; left me feeling 'healed' for 6-12 months. Maybe the psilocybin and dopamine somehow primed the mind for reprogramming.

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