20250614

So I always said why rush? The destination isn’t the point. The destination is death. For us all. So why rush?

Same for everything. A holiday? The destination is home. A job? Destination retirement. There’s nothing at the end. The process is the point.

At the same time, I was incapable of simply enjoying anything. I wanted to. I couldn’t. Brain.

Don’t get me wrong; I had plenty of thrills and ups and downs. But my whole life has been about trying to learn to smell the roses. Hundreds of hours of meditation. Useless gratitude journals. Endless self criticism.

All to try to change my chemistry so I can slow down like everyone around me. Why are they so relaxed? They must be faking it. Surely. Advising me to slow down while asking how I stay so motivated…

Anyway the ability to hold the coffee in your mouth for a second. Take a breather. Count to ten. These are things that I lacked, really. I had some charicature of them, but my mind was always on the next thing, how to optimise.

And this isn’t because I was in any rush to get to the end. God no. I want to stop. More than anybody. But stopping is akin to withdrawal. My brain makes me do a Trainspotting McGregor every time I try to have a cut of tea.

A part of me wonders if the human obsession with productivity isn’t something to do with adhd or a gradually crumbling genome. High-J was like ‘maybe aripiprazole can cure the world’ by helping to tamp down a little of the rampant greed that has become the norm.

Prolly not though. Pissing in the wind. Just look after me and mine. And - aripiprazole is what enables me to do this. J1 would have been punching walls trying to take down Musk and Trump.

I’m too old for that shit.

20250614 2045

0720: added to 'identity'

Good morning! I will try a little stream of consciousness here but try not to make it into just a diary. Will either come and brush it up or hide it away somewhere later.

I'm having teeth removed at the moment. Fillings. All these things are happening right as I dig into my psyche and gouge out rot from the roots.

I think a wisdom tooth crumbled first so I had that removed, right when I started guanfacine. Then 2 large fillings and now this last week a half-tooth that had been replaced with filling just... dropped out. Exactly at the time when I broke a piece off my カラス super-hard whetstone - exactly, to the second - and almost exactly the same shape. It's uncanny.

This had been in my mouth for 30 years. Forced on top of what was broken. A bodged job.

So yeah. Surprise root canal yesterday. Which is very much how this whole dosing issue has felt. Surprise root canal. I now have about 4-5 sessions to rebuild the tooth, which will take about a month. A month I plan to spend making knives.

This autism of mine is seeing god everywhere!

20250614 0540

So I always said why rush? The destination isn’t the point. The destination is death. For us all. So why rush?

Same for everything. A holiday? The destination is home. A job? Destination retirement. There’s nothing at the end. The process is the point.

At the same time, I was incapable of simply enjoying anything. I wanted to. I couldn’t. Brain.

Don’t get me wrong; I had plenty of thrills and ups and downs. But my whole life has been about trying to learn to smell the roses. Hundreds of hours of meditation. Useless gratitude journals. Endless self-criticism.

All to try to change my chemistry so I can slow down like everyone around me. Why are they so relaxed? They must be faking it. Surely. Advising me to slow down while asking how I stay so motivated…

Anyway the ability to hold the coffee in your mouth for a second. Take a breather. Count to ten. These are things that I lacked, really. I had some charicature of them, but my mind was always on the next thing, how to optimise.

And this isn’t because I was in any rush to get to the end. God no. I want to stop. More than anybody. But stopping is akin to withdrawal. My brain makes me do a Trainspotting McGregor every time I try to have a cut of tea.

A part of me wonders if the human obsession with productivity isn’t something to do with adhd or a gradually crumbling genome. High-J was like ‘maybe aripiprazole can cure the world’ by helping to tamp down a little of the rampant greed that has become the norm.

Prolly not though. Pissing in the wind. Just look after me and mine. And - aripiprazole is what enables me to do this. J1 would have been punching walls trying to take down Musk and Trump.

I’m too old for that shit.

20250614 2045

So I always said why rush? The destination isn’t the point. The destination is death. For us all. So why rush?

Same for everything. A holiday? The destination is home. A job? Destination retirement. There’s nothing at the end. The process is the joy.

At the same time, I was incapable of simply enjoying anything. I wanted to. I couldn’t. Brain.

Don’t get me wrong; I had plenty of thrills and ups and downs. But my whole life has been about trying to learn to smell the roses. Hundreds of hours of meditation. Useless gratitude journals.

Everything to try to change my chemistry so I can slow down like everyone around me. Why are they so slow and relaxed? They must be faking it. Surely. Advising me to slow down while asking how I stay so motivated…

Anyway the ability to hold the coffee in your mouth for a second. Take a breather. Count to ten. These are things that I lacked, really. I had some charicature of them, but my mind was always on the next thing, how to optimise.

And this isn’t because I was in any rush to get to the end. God no. I want to stop. More than anybody. But stopping is akin to withdrawal. My brain makes me do a Trainspotting McGregor every time I try to have a cut of tea.

A part of me wonders if the human obsession with productivity isn’t something to do with adhd or a gradually crumbling genome. High-J was like ‘maybe aripiprazole can cure the world’ by helping to tamp down a little of the rampant greed that has become the norm.

Prolly not though. Pissing in the wind. Just look after me and mine. And - aripiprazole is what enables me to do this. J1 would have been punching walls trying to take down Musk and Trump.

I’m too old for that shit.

20250614 2045

I don’t know what but I need to output something. I have about 3 threads starting in my brain and at least one of them needs putting on the page.

I think it all stems from low memory. Everything, for me. And that all stems from irregular dopamine signalling. Everything. All my ‘autism’ and ‘adhd’ and everything - it’s all because of dopamine.

So my memory on the hardware side gets full and I need to output stuff. Writing, speaking, whatever - this gets it through the blockade and into my long-term processing. There is something wrong with the data pipeline.

So then this gets processed at whatever speed (fast for single thread and slow for multithread) and then the answer is queued up and needs to be blurted out to either a) free up memory or b) get fed back into the churn (probably both).

This rinses and repeats with more and more ideas until something legible maybe comes out.

Another idea I’ve had my whole life is that we all have ‘stress points’ to allocate to good and bad activities but that seems to quaint compared to recent realisations that I’ll not bother. Let’s just say that if you don’t give the dog something to fight, the dog will fight you.

So what the fuck is autism? Adhd is fairly clear now - it’s irregular dopamine signalling and the millions of different permutations thereof. The cause and stuff is not clear, so it’s still a blanket term. But it’s a relatively tight blanket term of ‘dopamine dysregulation’.

Autism… now that’s harder. It’s the hardware. And why does the hardware form differently? Genetics? Adhd? Trauma? Does it form to process patterns or visuals or what? There are infinite types of fence, types of tree, and ways the tree can grow through the fence.

So… autism is the hardware. Adhd is the software.

Autism is Dr Jeckyl and adhd is Mr Hyde

Autism is the angel on your shoulder and adhd is the devil

Autism is order and adhd is chaos

Austism is neuronal and adhd is hormonal

Autism is the land and adhd is the weather

Autism is the bricks and adhd is the concrete

Not that black and white of course.

The concrete you have affects the bricks you can use. In my case I think everything is a downstream effect of regular dopamine dropouts. I don’t know if it was always this way and I think it might be getting worse with age.

Autism and adhd are both blanket terms and there’s a very real chance that what I have could become a distinct diagnosis.

But you have to use the language of your times, so here we are.

20250614 1200

Feels somewhat like I'm trying to spool out the steel wool; like a spider. Empty the rules, clear the drive for what comes next. Fill it with light, positive rules instead of 'rules of engagement' with victory in mind. Maybe even gearing toward that book people told me to write. But let's not think about that. The mountain is climbed one step at a time and I don't even know where I want to go yet.

20250614 0930

I feel the drive to action but it's like an echo. I can choose to engage. There is no urgency to it. It feels like a habit of thought rather than an actual craving / drive. A volitional action, karma, now decodeable. But man... so many threads to unravel and they're coming thick and fast.