Top o’ the 2am to ya! My second child has started shouting ‘mama’ in his sleep. Getting up was a choice this time; I’ve actually grown to enjoy these quiet mornings. 2am not sustainable but hey; I’m happy. I’ve seen 2am from the other side enough times.

This aripiprazone stuff seems like a slam dunk for everything that ails me. Yes yes I know; upgrading problems. But this is one big fucking upgrade. My brain is quiet. I am content. Or rather, I’m not crawling out of my skin with discontent and beating myself up for doing so.

That book which people told me to write might be falling out fully formed. Quitting alcohol, writing every morning, going deep. That was just practice for this and small fry. Honestly… so small by comparison. That was the headache and this is the sickness.

I finish working, get all the things. Process terminates, and I have enough things / relationships of my own making to hold me to this world. I get the drugs. And finally I feel like I can start living my life. Life starts at 42 for me. Yes yes I know but I’m 42 this year and it’s a nice number, you know why.

Weed; I’ve been medicated with legal analogs for years now. Effectively. I’ll make a post. Well.. I can take it or leave it now. I literally forget. I see the clock and think ‘shouldn’t I be getting antsy by now’. I lie down in bed and feel asleep naturally, like my wife does. Feels like zero lurching-awake, which has been my life to date.

I love doing these knives. I hate photographing and putting them online. I’ll be pretty lazy with it I think. I don’t really care whether they sell. Why am I doing them? The process needs to have a purpose. The purpose here is meditation. The knives are reflections of the world. Perfection is not the point.

I need to make them for me and then choose to sell the ones I am not attached to. If I make anything ‘to sell’ then the process stops being enjoyable and the product ends up shoddy.

I guess a freeform journal like this could be good and then other pages with more structure. The whole thing is coming together gradually. Let’s try that.

20250615 0215

It's strange. I have these drives to action still, but they're toothless, intellectual. They are habit now, rather than compulsion, and as such they can be changed.

I find chat exhausting and conversatino invigorating; most people are the opposite.

....

Ha! Probably look like I've lost my shit to the linkedin crowd. Stopping chasing the dollar to polish knives and think about buddhism. Fuck if I'm not happier though. 1825