presentation

My presentation of audhd was so good that it fooled even me. That razor’s edge I walked my entire life was so clean and clear and crisp that I came across as one of the sharpest, most high-functioning, optimistic and motivated people you’d ever meet.

I am an outgoing introvert who needs alone time but can’t pull himself away from other people. I research and plan everything to a tee and then throw in an exaggeration the last minute. I come out of interviews and sales pitches having aced them but with no memory of what has happened.

I always need to have one large project at a time, and probably 2-3 small ones. Maybe 20. But if it ever nears zero then I start to get anxious. Because zero projects means the mind can play.

I act fast; slap bang done dusted. Because if I don’t, it all gets clogged up in my brain and nothing happens. Even trying to hold 3 tasks in mind makes me incapable of doing the thing at hand, so I need to either address things instantly or put them in external memory.

I am very clever but also pretty dumb. I can spot solutions in a heartbeat but am incapable of navigating some simple banter. This is not because I am unaware of my social faux pas; I am more aware of them than anyone else. But I have adhd. So I can feel myself digging, digging, stop digging James, still digging.

My sleep is abysmal. I toss and turn for 1-2 hours then have a restless night of sweaty dreams.. This has changed completely with medication. I can’t tell you how happy I am.

I use a lot of substances. I fell into alcohol for a bit but my preference is cannabis; it’s harmless compared to my endogenous chemicals. I always explore the mind. Always. It’s mine; you do what you want with yours. I see no point in a life where you only interact with the external world.

I am highly sensitive. External stimuli, sure, but internal. Not only physical discomfort but the emotional discomfort of insults and rejection. I think it hurts everyone but I have read that it can hurt people like me even more.

I have phases where I will just 100% do one thing, obsessively, for months, and then I’ll never touch it again. Or if lucky I’ll do it again in a few years. Usually I end up with one project that shapes my lifestyle (ironman, art) and then loads of sub-projects that fit in the framework.

My weight fluctuates wildly; 10% up or down is not unusual. 2 weeks chocolate and 2 weeks spinach-smoothie is normal for me.

I will generally have 2-4 week periods of ‘adhd activity’ followed by ‘asd cleanup’. This is so effective I shake my head in disbelief. This site was a couple of these cycles: output a mess, tidy it up.

I hate the things I used to love. I hate them so much it has gone beyond hate and apathy and into just a simple magnetic repulsion. There is almost no emotion there; just a physical incapability to even consider enjoying them again.

I am terrible with girls. And boys, and I’m not even gay. But if anyone fancies me, I am awful. I pick up on their anxiety and I devour it and amplify it and within seconds, I am the anxious one in an interaction with someone I don’t even find attractive. It’s really annoying.

I am quick to anger. I don’t want to be but I have autism and adhd. It means I am pretty much always in a state of overload and unrest. Also changed with meds.

I achieve incredible things.

I had multi-month periods of burnout which I tought were depression, but adhd kept me active enough to never visit a doctor.

I have had multiple mental breakdowns. 2x major (this + acute dissociation 10 years ago), at least 7x minor (1+ month depression) and 2+ weeks of burnout is just daily life. You mean this wasn't normal?

I am very empathetic, just not in the way you want. I will help to solve your problem and I will look at your emotions logically and say ‘this is why you feel this way’ and you will hate it. But a few days down the line it might help.

I view emotions through a logical lens. I have always needed to identify an evolutionary reason for all of our emotions. This is - apparently - not normal. 

The world is so slow and boring and load and chaotic. It’s pretty confusing; you want to be together but alone, you want music but quiet. 

I am painfully motivated or an actual potato.

The reality is that my presentation of audhd is inner conflict. It’s the good and the evil, the yang and the yin.

My adhd kept me outgoing and my asd kept me organised. Both required immense effort. I had no idea.

Changing my brain chemistry with medication has helped more than I can explain.

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