So. I found a dead body on a bike ride. This gave me PTSD. The PTSD came out 6 months later, right on cue. I got a misdiagnosis of bp2 but the valproate was what I needed at the time.
Then I went to a local clinic, thinking a face to face session would be better. An hour later I had been ‘diagnosed’ with ADHD and prescribed guanfacine. For some reason the doc glossed over the body completely; maybe it was one of his.
His diagnosis was just based on a conversation and I asked for a formal diagnosis letter many times, with him always refusing. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he knows it.
Anyway he says I have ADHD and gives me a drug which lowers my norepinephrine, making me feel more vulnerable outside. I am autistic, but not *that* autistic. C says I’m the most autistic man in the world but he’s not a doctor.
So then I’m like ‘this sucks I need something for my sensitivitieeeees’ and he finally caves and gives me aripiprazole. This makes me high as fuck and delusional.
But I also think the ari opens the gate to to real, honest trauma therapy. I sit there and polish my soul for two weeks and the trauma is washed away in a hallucination. If only we could have stopped there.
I’ll skip over the whole family fearing for their lives and me being an overnight psychopath for now; what happened was this drug made me high as fuck and I was in a constant state of withdrawal.
So I was a full-on addict from day 4. I have tried opium and cocaine and this was on another level altogether. It also changed who I was on a very fundamental level. My entire life became aripiprazole and I had to get this to the world to save them from their pain.
Because the doctor had told me this was good, the medicine was working, and I was finally feeling the same way everyone else in the world had felt their whole lives. I was on a dopaminergic hallucinogen so was somewhat suggestible.
My internal meditator saw what was happening from the start and kept notes of everything. The entire thing. I stream of consciousnessed it because I knew that this would be important. I am typing this now with most of the drugs having left my body; I should be in major withdrawal but feel better than I have for months.
On my wife’s birthday I could see I was going to kill myself.
So I ejected from my persona and did a voluntary ego death, becoming the ship. This idea of the ship remains, but it’s more like a gentle god, or the flow of the universe; not literal. Anyway I had done my trauma work but was stuck in the hallucination and had to get out.
So I did some funny shit with quantum computing and schrodinger’s cat to outsmart the hallucination. I got my wife to observe me *while I steered the ship into safe orbit* and she complied.
This was obviously a metaphor for me stabilising. I immediately ceased all medications and went into ‘withdrawal’.
Now - 1 week away from these meds - I am so much more together. I am my old self, minus the greed and anger. I am purified by that early work, really, so I think guided ari trauma therapy it totally legit.
But these meds change your personality on a fundamental level. I had PTSD and was vulnerable. I was misdiagnosed and funnelled into various personality-states by these chemicals.
I very nearly killed myself multiple times and was being asked to help my family ‘ascend’. Because of these drugs.
These drugs need a real diagnostic test, not trial and error. They change your personality, so trying one will bump you into J2 and then you’re off down the rabbit hole.
I am posting this without any proofreading or editing so you can see my mental state. My kids were dancing and playing music while I wrote it. I should not be capable of doing this.
/jb202507191745