20250708 D4S1N2
20250708 D4S1N2
Now I’ve started writing and texting myself I can’t stop. The relief from offloading memory. I honestly believe that this is what modern society needs. Society is like the macro of J1; seeking the next thrill to fill the void but not realising that each splash in the pool removes a little more water.
These academics sharing research on dopamine without context. Irresponsible. How many deaths.
Anyway.
I need to see if what happened was real.
My doctor messed up and needs replacing. He had good intentions but he didn’t own his mistake and that’s a flag.
I need to get a proper MRI done of my brain and ask a team of neuroscientists to review it.
I need to take a month to completely stabilise on these meds and catch up on some missed sleep.
I need to carry on processing my life, the minutiae. Everything to now was the broad strokes.
I need to take it easy and let my mind play, frolic. It has been too serious for too long. The work needed doing and I needed to do it all at once but that was… time dilation and increased emotional access made it feel like 2 years in a world that was 20 times as emotionally charged as before.
But so much nicer.
Anyway.
I need to take it easy, basically. And I think 2mg is a good dose for me to do so. I needed to get up here because the 1 and the 1.5mg were too activating for me. I was building business plans and changing the world.
I still want to do these things but in order to be able to do so, I need to be able to be more considered.
There is truth in what happened and a real dopaminergic effect which can obviously be utilised for some very deep realignment in the audhd brain. But how much is replicable?
Would this have saved Mikhail? And the millions others? How many others?
But we live in a world of venture capitalists and balance sheets and scale and exit. My plan most certainly is to scale and exit, though not in the traditional sense of getting fat and dying.
In order to do so I need to build a business plan and pitch deck. And in order to do that I need to rest. I need to make sure I’m impervious to greed because if this works it’s billions and I want it to be free.
So now we are sat on the 2mg shelf, looking down at the weave, but I am going to leave it alone for a while. I have never been able to step back and 1mg just made the weaving more fun, while 2mg makes it more optional.
I think I will likely use different doses of ari depending on what phase I am in for work and creativity. I finally have a way to put on the brakes… but it take a lot of work to get there so the rests have to be long to be worth it. How will the perception of time during these titration phases change?
Why has nobody reported this?
Because this drug is only really used on children and nonverbals.
It really isn’t very nice though so it’s not a drug of abuse. It’s like a reverse-comedown as opposed to a come-up or I don’t know; it is something you need to get through to come out the other side. I don’t know what it is; a tunnel to a new self. I have never known anything like it.
I hope I can share this with people somehow. But even if not, AI for brain chemistry stabilisers sounds like a winner.
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debrief
Well that was intense.
I’ve had an intense life and that was still intense.
I’ve found the brakes for my brain, but they only work if you accelerate into them. The 2mg is starting to stabilise now - not fully yet - and if I have overshot then that will be ok.
Because I need to be able to rest, and this medicine gives me the ability to do so.
At the same time it opens the floodgates for emotional processing so the timing of dose changes needs to be careful. Choose times when you don’t have to go anywhere or do anything. And make some rules like no trading bitcoin ha.
The last 6 weeks have - honestly without a word of a lie - felt like 2 years for me. I think this is partly because of the amount of processing and events but mostly because the medicine has changed how my brain encoded time. Fixed it.
So right now my life feels like it contains approximately 12 times more life.
I used cannabis but not much; this was almost all the ari. The dose increases toward the end were challenging but like squeezing a lemon to get to the juice; a lot of horribleness I feel toward my past life has gone. But let’s see how long this lasts. Nothing is permanent and now I need to stay the course.
The next step will be to get a T3 fMRI of my brain and start looking into the actual physical structure. Then to find a medical doctor who is able to prescribe drugs in the name of science and stick me in a machine while I trip balls. Ha.
But yeah the ari was what did it not the weed; they’re orders of magnitude different and ari goes knocks your endogenous dopamine off the receptors so no way a little weed is going to interfere. The weed was the same as the guanfacine and the valproate in that it kept the wheels on with a train which was going very, very, very fast indeed.
So we have dopamine and serotonin ramped up, on a scale of 5 I’d say D+3 S+2 and then we have GABA +2 NE -3 and CB1 +3. These are all inhibitory. I have to stress that this was _not_ self experimentation and going into this I did not expect this impact. GABA and NE were from the doctor and CB1 was my own addition. I was also drinking caffeine.
One of the kids is here so I’ll go get a coffee. This doesn’t bother me like it would have, but the meds should settle soon and it’ll bother me even less. It’s a sensory issue; I love my kids and I have made peace with it. Still sucks.
The reality is that this was probably me teaching myself how to process emotions. It was very intense and I was thrown int he deep end with a lifetime of undiagnosed adhd and asd and minimal support network outside my immediate family. I had already exploded my birth family away when my mask flew apart. I was on my own.
The first 0.5mg sent me hypermotivated and super happy and if we had stayed there it would all have been ok. But my mum was visiting and she has never seen the 20 years I spent swimming with the sharks building businesses so when I started talking about building a company as my life’s calling, mania was suspected. I went to the doctor and was cleared. Adhd impulsiveness raised the dose to 1mg after only 10 days, which for anyone else would have been ok but for me was a bit much. Dominoes.
Then I go really intense. The autistic traits come out big style and I lose all my facial expressions because of coming out of fight or flight for the first time - a real clinical effect. This is combined with global improvement in everything and a boost in D and S so I appear manic. I borderline am at night. Something about ari makes me process things while I sleep, I now see, which is why I think the impact is so profound. I think it is accelerating neural plasticity and synaptic pruning in a 41 year old man.
This was not self experimentation. It was an unexpected issue which I identified as ‘drugs’ and managed, effectively, even in hindsight. Things were said though and very large misunderstandings were had and I’ll not go into detail but this is really not something you want to do without supervision. And I mean 5 days of supervision, which will feel like two months to you. depending on your dopamine dysregulation.
We then stabilise and all is good for a while until the processing overload migraines I’ve had my whole life but been unaware of come back and I up the dose. This time without telling my wife (on her semi-suggestion) and slowly. I do 0.25mg per time and she doesn’t suspect a thing, because I have a lifetime of managing impulsiveness, but it throws e out of equilibrium and it not nice really. I end up processing quite a lot of life stuff and going a little too far on the business plan, but reeling it in it actually is good, like this site, so mania - helpful if you know how to harness it. Which most people do not. So don’t try.
I want the stability and I want to get this done and my kid is increasing to 2mg and to be honest I’m jealous. My wife was relieved to hear that I had increased secretly without her knowing, because she knows this is the right medicine for our family but needed data to decharge the emotions from the first dose increase. So I increase from 1.5 to 2.
This was 3 months ago. Oh. Wait. 3 days ago. 3.5 to be precise. I’m off for the school run in a few minutes, with child 1 who is on the same meds as me. My world feels safe like when I was a young child on a summer day, which is appropriate because I’m looking at a young child on a summer day. But it’s even better than that for me because I have a baseline that I was born without.
I can’t fathom why this med isn’t used for adhd. It is cheap. Well.. I can. It is cheap. It is generic. There is no financial incentive to get it to a suffering public. Plus I think it addresses the suffering - the dukkha - of adhd more than stimulants, which seems like a productivity bodge.
But the fastest way I see to get this kind of thing taken seriously is a political movement. Don’t something like 5% or some ever-variable % of people have adhd? People who have accidents, overeat, fight, suicide. All these people could have an improvement in all-factor mortality.
Wasn’t it an average of 19 years lost from an adhd life? And that’s not counting downstream effects.
Let’s talk about economics. How many missed days from work because of hangovers of injuries? How much of a drop in productivity?
I think the technology is very much ready to create a real diagnostic framework for adhd, and I think that within 5 years we will be able to map out the brain of the individual, and simulate how neurotransmitters act within that brain. It’s only a couple of years from there - or less with newer autoencoders my info is 4 years old - until we can predict how to fix a specific soup and make it tasty for the swimmer.
This is the future of mental health care.
A diagnostic framework based on fMRI or other imagine data, and endocrinological testing, whatever else comes along, and deep reinforcement learning in the matchmking skills I learned as a recruiter.
I spent 10 years working as the top recruiter for Japan’s international largest AI ventures.
My lineage suffers from this ailment.
I still can’t see this as mania. I think this is the meaning I always looked for. This might be my theory of relativity; my dhamma. I’m autistic and I see fate and if I embrace that then sometimes I can influence how it turns out.
So. Good data.
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Was I basically having a trauma response to the lives I built myself. The adhd was too stimulation seeking but the asd hated it so much and was overwhelmed. I am shocked by how autistic I am. Whatever that means. My processing issues though and my sensory issues. I had no idea they even existed and they are overwhelming now that my adrenaline isn't overclocking the system
Does this mean that my 'killing my joy' was literally a trauma response from self-imposed migraines because of processing and sensory issues.
Man how ... that makes sense. How did I not know. 1702
Is my head actually going to slow down much or am I just going to have to devise faster and faster ways to offload memory? What if the church hired ND folks to be priests and stuff because of their inner turmoil and logic? Do I need to continue putting this on the internet for people to see or can I have a different sandbox which is private where I just bounce ideas around. I think one reason I put thing on ths internet is a santiy check but given what I've learned about the god hypothesis and how dopamine impacts things, is that even necessary? I've always reeled it in before and the concern was that I'd get stuck in a god loop. But tjhat hasn't happened and now I know the system it's less likely to happen.
Fucking weird guy James. What happened to that super chilld guy with ari. Remember it's only day 4 though and even though you remmeber day 4 as being the gold it was actually about day 10 that you really felt good, looking back at the textx. Before that it was electric jelly.
Well I’m still going to be writing just hopefully not prying open my brain with a DA shaped crowbar. I need to offload things and they need to come out in a random order or the pressure builds in the head and we are heading back to migraine land.
These things I never knew because of my dopamine system. The amount of pain and suffering caused by our dopamine system.
And everyone is dopamine hacking.
Don’t you see that you are increasing craving and increasing suffering as a result? This is what happened to me. But I was autistic too so I felt it more.
To the point where I would trigger a trauma response in myself because of the memory overload. And the solution all along was the first sign of madness: talking to myself.
Will I continue waking in the middle of the night to write? The mind is amazing. I had a power nap last night and told it to wake me up; it did so in a manner you would only expect from a 13 year old.
Anyway that’s not embarrassing it’s funny and evidence of the power that your brain has over your body. DA, dopamine. Fucking athletic greens you know who you are.
People are dying every day because of this narrative, but the statistics say they died skydiving or driving aggressively or overeating. No. They are dying because they are trying to ‘optimise’ their fucking dopamine and assume that more = better.
Anyway I’m a newb. No way these clowns would stand a fucking chance in the depths of their soul. Iain M Banks’ virtual hell with 46 days stretched into 2 years, every nerve of your being pulled out and scoured. No way. Read your papers. Keep them to yourself.
Anyway I guess I’m autistic now and have always been autistic and now I can finally come forward and be who I was always supposed to be.
The swirling vacuum of volatile emotional soup which was Jupiter’s storm has subsided and there’s actually some land there, not just gas. I think. I don’t quite trust this. Adhd is untreatable. Or incurable. It’s not cured I suppose. But the parts that matter are. The pain.
Mikhail mate. And so many others. But then… this is the human condition, I guess. I just got more of it. I always knew that, on some level. So did you. Wish I’d known you more. Everyone said you were one of the nicest around. We saw the darkness in each other.
What a lot to process.
I wonder if I’ll be doing it at night still. I would be happy to do so. And art. I enjoyed those dark hours, alone. But I don’t know if that was just a 6 week crash-course ‘I finally have DA’ thing or what.
Now… neuroscience.
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