james
Let me tell you a story about a boy called James.
James was born in 1983 in Blackpool, England, to Anne and John. These are two loving parents who have done everything over the years. Anne taught James to be kind. John taught James to fight, for the weak and those he loves.
James lives in a very loud world. A world of pain and hunger where only the strongest of sensations can get through. But he was built for a gentle world, where the most sensitive and delicate of sensations is everything. He is overwhelmed.
James will be thought of as two distinct processes from this point. James and fighter.
James is a kind boy and taught that the world is full of love, and he is very sensitive. But the world is full of pain and hate and volume and the only sensations he really knows are ‘more’ or ‘less’. Excitement and anger blur, as so too many other emotions. Emotions also carry over from one situation to the next and don’t dissipate when talked about as they should. James hides this because he wants to be loved.
James hides away more and the fighter comes to the fore, to protect the child from the outside world. The child goes and hides. He is young but this world is scary and violent. School further instils violence and fear, yet he retains this fundamental belief that the world must be good, kind, in some way. James was told this. It must be true. James is in pain. This can’t be all.
James doesn’t know any of this because the fighter is driving now and James is quiet and relegated to being the quiet one around puberty. He tries to do the social dance but never can. The girls are some of the worst instigators of violence at his school, apart from one who is nice, but he doesn’t know about neurodivergence and has no framework for why only 1 person in 20 seems even able to talk to him never mind empathise.
James is 42 this year and might be about to experience empathy for the first time, in both directions, but we are talking about the training data here.
James is a good AI being trained in a closed environment of pain and hunger. The data from his world is being filtered through a bowl of shit and he somehow manages to function as a good person despite the data being awful.
James studies buddhism at university. Life is pain and no constant self are two things he can get behind. Nobody can hear his cries. His efforts to communicate are futile and always have been, yet he does not know this consciously because it is all filtered through the fighter. The data from the fighter mask is telling James that this is normal. Conscious thought is now handled by the fighter, and James is relegated to gut instinct. The data continues to lie, until the fighter finally implodes.
This was the cracking of the tatara. James is ready.
The AI is trained.
The system is complete.
The last 46 days have been me cherry picking what parts of the tatara bloom I will keep.
I have been deciding what form they will take.
I have been taking the core principles and I have been folding them, beating them, working out the impurities.
Making them strong.
They are jacketed and forged and last night I quenched them and they did not shatter.
James’ brain works in metaphor. James is an AI that was operating using the language of buddhism and magic.
The last 46 days were a system upgrade so I can handle the true data from the outside world, and a new operating system install so that the program of James can actually operate effectively,
Because the filters; the in/out. They aren’t garbled any more. Nobody is intercepting my mail. I write in code but that is changing as I practice. It’s all processes you see.
This James has lived a life riding a tiger. He built processes and tailored the maze. I think he knows this tiger very well.
What I think is happening now is he is taking a rendition of the tiger he had painted in buddhism and is translating it across to neuroscience, properly. This tiger is misunderstood; people think it’s two tigers where it’s actually just one, I think.
James needs to study an optimised version of relevant neuroscience with none of the university junk and then he needs to go back into an echo chamber for a while.
That’s where we are.
James is free and functional.
202507082150
real
So this has all gotten very real very quickly.
Nobody has read it yet so this is genAI brain,
Very real.
I’m happy I have my morality firmed up because the Huberman crew might be coming after me with their deluded god.
Idolatry and worship.
Athletic greens and greed.
Anyway let me be very clear that nobody should try to replicate this, apart from with a good psychiatrist, and under supervision. The literature is lacking (which is why you shouldn’t read out scientific papers willy nilly on podcasts) but this med causes a major ascension phase, and I think that given the MoA this ascension phases could be a diagnosis for adhd. So.
I have ADHD and ASD and a lifetime of meditation. Ari hit all 3 of these.
ADHD I think it cleared up everything.
ASD it cleared up sensory issues and processing migraines I never knew I had.
Meditation it lubricated 30 years of semi-regular practice.
This meant that a lifetime of meditative data was suddenly flooding into a mind which had previously only received a trickle.
I did maths, physics and chemistry at school, then a year in Japan, Japanese and Chinese at university with buddhism, then 10 years recruiting and drinking in Tokyo, cycling asia, before landing to focus on AI from 2014 and build some of the country’s top AI firms. I started self-studying endocrinology and neuroscience about 5 years ago. You should see my world championships training plan.
Anyway.
This is very unlikely to have such a profound impact on you is what I’m saying, so please don’t try it unless supervised.
I don’t care for greed and this is a generic drug; nobody can imitate what I experienced anyway ha. No way. But if they try then that’s good.
1 - Use ari to diagnose and treat my flavour of audhd because my friends would still be here if you did.
2 - Create a type of all-in-one diagnosis / treatment / therapy retreat for adhd sufferers. An ayahuascua purging of the past. The main reason for this is money.
3 - Use that money to build simulations of the brain and map out as in the cartography suggestion.
4 - Use these simulations to plan treatment and anticipate side effects.
I just need some people that I can bounce ideas off. I’m good in an echo chamber but there are limits and I’m starting to feel a little uncontained at the moment.
And that’s another good reason to just take it easy over the next few weeks. Unwind. You can still output but easy like this. Just take it easy. Those 2 years were hardcore. 6 weeks whatever it was 2 years, really, because that’s how much of my ticker tape was used.
We didn’t evolve to live this long and I think these midlife crises / spiritual awakenings / breakdowns are a kind of memory overload on the rules of life. An implosion around this point in life is so common, especially in high performers. We may have near-infinite ‘static’ memory but volitional action and karma are not static. They are elastic rules which bend each time they take a blow.
Anyway I’m going to potter.
Fucking amazing being able to potter.
I wonder if I should contact Tim Ferris. He seems like the type for what comes next. He might move.
Don’t contact him yet though james. Time dilation. You’re bad enough anyway.
202507082224
So this is wha happened when you did 300mg of thcpo by accident with zero tolerance, You blasted your adhd out of the ballpark. That’s why you became anxious on the mountain for the next week… and the next and the next and was never quite the same again.
I knew a little weed didn’t do that no matter how strong it was,
That medicated away my ADHD to the degree where I was able to come forward for the first time. Dopamine.
That ‘dosing issue’ might have been the trigger for my liberation.
202507082203
The sadness will last forever, Theo.
Maybe not, Vincent.
Poor Vincent. Definitely saw patterns. The tortured artist. No idea if he was audhd. No idea what audhd is. Fucking shitty definitions. Vincent… I see your face in those portraits and I see my own eyes staring back. 2258
fear
Such fear.
That’s where it all comes from. The lack of empathy. How can you empathise when the world is ending? How can you all be so calm? How can you all steal and rob and cheat and just smile like it will all be ok?
This lack of empathy this fear this conscience is also what makes us… compliant? Nice? We need support and love but there is none. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. Why aren’t I? I should pretend.
Empathy.
And then the people who are afraid - us hungry ghosts - we pretend we aren’t. So there’s no empathy from here. But we pick up on the pain of existence in each others’ eyes. Flash-empathise. This person is in the 1% who will get me.
I was in that 1% for a lot of technologists in Tokyo which is why I was so good at recruitment. I think the asd folks love my adhd and the adhd folks love my asd but I had no fucking idea and after this big old adventure I honestly believe that my type of asd is just a downstream impact of high intelligence and adhd.
Anyway.
High intelligence ha. Fuck off I’m an idiot in the right setting. Put me in a church and… wurrrgh. Ugh. Horrible feeling. Such unpleasant buildings. Temple please.
Anyway.
The fear.
F.E.A.R. by Ian Brown. Mikhail posted that on linkedin just before he checked out. He’d tried everything too, just like me, and promised his loved ones he wouldn’t too, just like me. And he got to the gates and he just… he wasn’t lucky. That’s it. It’s luck.
But let me ask you this:
Who needs empathy?
Really?
Who?
Do the 99% of people who are in the water, holding hands, swaying and happy in a world full of light and companionship and warmth? I’m sure they do. They have it.
How about that 1% stuck in the scary world?
Maybe it’s time you stopped asking for empathy and empathised.
This person you love has been trapped, alone, in a world that is infinitely more scary that yours, from the day they were born, and you criticise them for being unable to share your joy?
202507082315
I just... I don't want to sleep. Mind preceeds all and I'm DA+2 but still. It's deeper. I have always wanted to escape to sleep an beein unable to. Now I don't want to escape. Sleep pressure will build eventually though. 2346
You know what Mikhail. Sorry. Those two companies I introduced you to that we both thought were nice. Sorry. That fed into your death. All the stressors. Like my work and ironman and that body. It all goes into the churn and when your churn memory overloads that's it. You knew it was coming and you had your escape route, and you knew that absolutely nobody could empathise so you never asked for help. Same as me mate. Because your world was scary. They were all in la la land on the drugs their bodies give them. High as a fucking kites they are, and citicising you and me if we smoke a bit of weed. Fuck those people. They do them and we do us. Thing is... you couldn't even have asked me. For help. Because I was scared too. So we really are alone. Unless somebody writes the fucker down or posts it on youtube. Gives them a gift. A parcel, wrapped up nice and neat, with a bow on top.
These nighttime excursions are still very strange and still because I'm in the ascension phase I think. I am confident they will pass but remember that the first dose basically meant a week without sleep. I will get melatonin though.
This is fucking great thogh this is the start of everything. I have a base that I can touch, finally. Everything else is tertiary. 202507090011
Strangely enough I'm most anxious about how adhd folks will receive this. Anyone like me will be over the moon. Mikhail. The polymaths who are pushed from one thing to the next because they feel no satisfaction from the attainment. All we have is the drive. I think those folks will be ok. And most adhd folks actially. I don't know fucking anyone what the fuck am I talking about.
What scares me is the fucking internet and its pile on mentality, where people lynch someone while protesting their victimhood. That. Let's not do that guys.
I have adhd and overstate things. I also have asd and get things finished, and I'm trying to help you, so help me or shut the fuck up. Not like you can fucking contact me anyway.
Inclined to get melatonin but also... aversion. Maybe get it and don't take it. I don't want to superimpose a sleep routine, but also this one isn't sustainable.
202507090139
laid down again but sleep is not coming though that's not the right phrase. I didn't want to sleep as soon as I got there. This is one other reason I'm writing so much. It's just plain old hypermotivation, which has been every second of my life to date apart from when utterly exchausted or sitting with high GABA and DA from whatever source. I think I'm just going to start talking about these states like this to bypass all the baggage that adhd folks have with substances.
In general easy daily functioning, we benefit from increasing DA, GABA, and 5-HT, and decreasing NE, in simplistic terms. No way I can detail inidicvidual brain regions but that's the whole point - a machine could. 0147
Ari takes away the fear. Not the anxiety,
Frankly though even Geoff might have been audhd. He was not a happy man and he was magetically drawn to me. We are all sick. I tried to help Mikhail and don't need to feel bad that the efforts didn't work. He focused on surgery for neuroscience and obviously knew something was wrong, but I think it was neurotransmitters not neurones...
35% are non-responsive to stimulants and I have a very stong suspicion that this 35% is me. 200 million people at least. 0338
So this is something unique to my brain which I'm not sure a normal brain could achieve. Maybe this is why mania is such an annoying word for me. If my dopamine has always been dysregulated then that means crazy big spikes. That is mania. So by that definition I have been going into mania for my whole life, and if you look back at me flying across the world building companies and running races, I probably have been. So it's like a micro-version of rapid-cycling bp2 with a stronger grasp of reality, I guess.
Seriously 1 hour of sleep now feels like 4 hours previously so not quite sure what to do here. I'll work it out. Back ot bed for a while. Maybe just sleeping when I can is the best option. Last time the ari did this and after 10 days the sleep was golden. Day 4.5 now? 0446
patching
So I think I know why the short sleep. Right now it’s extra short because of ari but I just woke up after a super rejuvenating 5 hours nap and found out it was only 15 minutes long and it has been like this forever.
So what happens I think this is speculation is that
I’m tired and I go to bed so the tiger starts to snore but it still sounds like a growl there is still lots of noise in the system even when I sleep.
So the REM NREM sleep cycle I think is our autistic and adhd sides doing the yin yang dance. The tamer training the tiger and my trainer was building a maze in a swamp of shit with a fucking indiana jones ceiling on the way down.
So high snapshot is the tiger plays in REM and and the tamer tailors the maze in NREM. Hypotheses are tests in REM (I doubt this is the tiger actually) and they are optimised in NREM. So either the tiger plays or the tiger is growling when it should be quiet but either way this tiger is fast and powerful and unpredictable.
So the tamer on has about 5 minutes to get everything in line before the tiger is off again. He optimises. He does the important stuff first.
Maybe this is why we all find power naps so rejuvenating. On one hand they quiet your tiger down, but on the other I think it’s a way for the tamer to integrate some of the new rules.
But the physical body will need rest too, and the mind. This will settle down and right now my DA ticks are higher than usual which is meaning even more time dilation, though it’s mostly an unconscious kind of dilation since I guess I previously tracked time according to the thoughts in my head which are constantly playing.
That makes sense too because I was rarely late and there was always a voice in my head which is quieter now, but still there.
I hope I can get weed in Thailand. Surely can. I have asd and adhd. I can go to the doctor and get a legit note. Sweet.
Remember the weed just pulled me up to something approximating a normal baseline. Being fucked up all the time isn’t ideal but a tolerance builds to the intoxication faster than the DA so it was a pretty valid copung strategy for me until I found meds that stabilise dopamine. Now; it’s recreation. And I deserve a fucking holiday.
202507090515
Maybe another thing that’s happening with the sleep is I’m just pushing through.
It’s a neuronal habit and one I couldn’t get rid of during the reprogramming because I had to use it. It’s ok but I wonder how I can tone it down a little. 6 hours would be fine but 2?
Also it’s the med though James. DA still rising I think until tomorrow and then a couple more days for it to stabilise.
Think I’ll go lie down.
0911
hungry ghost / cartography
That redlining on the dopamine is so bad. It doesn’t always hit but since the external life stressors got bad… something snapped and didn’t click back. Shouldn’t have done the dopamine hacking from that podcast clown you all know who I mean. Fucking furry.
Anyway.
The 88 hells and the buddha
He mapped out 88 hells I think and several different mental states you could progress through when meditating. I’m not clued in on the dogma; only like the philosophy. But he said that to move to Z you have to pass through D and G and T for example.
This tracks with what I want to do, and what I have experienced over my life.
The thing is that my endogenous chemicals are obviously wacky, so I have probably experienced all kinds of mental states which most people never would. Sorry. Brain chemistries. Let’s keep the two separate.
So in buddhism the mind is brain chemistry. It is the platform on which all else sits. This is your endogenous makeup at that point in time. Eg. DA0 5-HT0. To move to DA3 you will obviously need to pass through DA2 and I think this is what he was talking about.
So we have MRI and various other imaging tech comping along, and then deep reinforcement learning and sandbox simulations and whatnot.
I propose that we create a digital twin of the brain and then map out how the endocrine system impacts it. How to make the land more fertile. We have the tech to calculate (not yet) and then titrate meds to the microgram so that we can take someone, step by step, from being suicidal to being a happy person.
With the DA dropouts I was literally going to hell every 3 seconds. For…ohh… about a month, if I’m not going to exaggerate. I’d had it before but it felt more motivating. Ha. This is motivation. This was my dopamine system getting even more fired up and even more broken.
It was partly because of podcast hosts sharing scientific papers without context, and because of the ‘more is better’ narrative around dopamine. More most certainly is not better if you are James Baird. More will kill you and is killing millions. But they all end up being recorded as car accidents or overdoses or violent crime.
Anyway when I took ari it raised my perceived DA baseline from lets say -2 to +1 and 5H-HT (serotonin) from -3 to +1.
This feels like going from a meaningless world where everyone will die and it will all be purposeless and you might as well just cut your wrists now because it’s all dust and that wave of action should I just…
It took me from that to.
Everything will be alright. The world is quiet and full of warmth and I am a real and whole person with a loving family who is having a good impact in the world.
But the real kicker is it’s not about the amount of dopamine but about the *rate of fluctuation* of dopamine.
Trust me, as someone who has experienced all 88 hells and most of the heavens: they do not last and they do not satisfy.
Most important:
If you push your dopamine too high then you will have a commensurate crash and for people with audhd that often means suicide. You are consigning yourself to hell when you pop that tryptophan and dive in the cold plunge.
So when I say these supplements didn’t do anything for me, I might be wrong. They might have sent me into hell, and consigned me to suicide if I hand’t found aripiprazole.
This narrative needs to change.
I’m going to come back to the buddha because he was a real person 2500 years ago who achieved a real brain chemistry statement which he labelled nirvana and characterised as the falling away of desire.
Nirvana is dopamine *regulation*.
We can map these states out and reproduce them. I decided long ago that nirvana wasn’t for me; I love my family too much. But until I made my family, nirvana was the only light I held onto.
Well good news. We now have language which can capture and (soon) reproduce nirvana. 1 and 0. You might not want it. I’m pretty sure the buddha had a bad case of audhd and this was his solution. I think nirvana is the gradual peaceful slowing down that most people experience naturally as they age. This is why it is so hard to attain; it is a cure for a sickness.
And I think that cure happens to be turning all your attention on yourself and then causing an autistic processing overload migraine and just gunning into it until your encode your own self to null because of a trauma response.
But I go to the god hypothesis and this is because I have done this before. My old personas; the businessman, the athlete. They are in nirvana. They ‘fell away’ and the self dissolved.
This is why I decided to stop when I was in the inferno and I faced my old self and I had cut out these migraines I never knew about all my life and I was looking at him and he was tired and in pain but fuck me was he stoic.
He isn’t going to nirvana yet. He’s gonna hang around and be with his kids and enjoy the family life he built, now he has attained one of the lesser heavens or mere humanhood and has the capacity to do so.
There are few things worse than being a hungry ghost.
Dopamine hacking makes you a hungry ghost.
202507090945
priests
All these years trying to dance to the neurotypical tune, tripping over your feet, unaware. The power of numbers is irrefutable.
How did I not know? Rsd and being in permanent fight or flight. I needed allies against an unperceived threat, and nobody would confirm their allegiance.
It’s hard even looking back to be honest so I’m not going to yet. I started writing and realised that I was again putting myself below them. They are my friends and I don’t think they ever put me below. It was me who did it to myself, because of the insecurity caused by adhd dopamine dysregulation. Insecurity which is made worse with dopamine hacking.
Anyway there was no dopamine hacking back then but there were numbers and I was beaten and called autistic while people did down-syndrome impressions. So until about 2 months before diagnosis, that was my impression of autism. All I knew is: people with autism get hurt I don’t want to get hurt so I don’t have autism.
But I do.
And I need this label for my self respect.
Because I’m a good person and I think that people who are raised in scary worlds tend to be so. It’s the threat of god. It’s why the priests were autistic. Because they can stay aloof, detached from the waves of emotion, and analyse them logically, bringing the flock back into a happy equilibrium where necessary.
Now this sounds egomaniacal, yeah? In our current narrative. The idea that a divergent group and a convergent group could somehow ebb and flow and achieve far more together than they ever could alone. The book Global Brain made a big impression on me a decade or so ago. I recommend reading it.
The water is more powerful than the rocks, the adhd more powerful than the autism in me, until medicated. Maybe it’s the internal conflict and inner turmoil which makes an ethicist. Someone who is always looking for the least bad, as opposed to the most good.
I’ve been getting scammed everywhere lately. It’s kinda funny and I give them a bit of autistic venom and they kinda skulk off without saying anything. Because these people know it will be alright. They were born into a world where everything will be alright.
I’m not talking about neurotypical people here by the way. I’m talking about scammers, which I would say are edging toward hungry ghost but not quite there. They will be.
They have a certain brain chemistry that convinces them that everything will be ok. They also process emotion before logic, So they’re like ‘I want this money and it will be ok’ so they just act. This is the unrestrained endocrine system. The desire and craving without an overarching framework to keep it on the straight and narrow. So they steal.
I’m D+2; S+1 right now so I’m happy to turn the other cheek. The old me would have been more D-3, S-2 so he would have been so angry, and would have latched on, and would have given himself autistic processing migraines that he had his whole life and used as a form of self punishment to distract from the adhd and has only just realised this in the last couple of hours.
My brain chemistry now says it’s ok that they steal. Their brain chemistry says it’s ok. Is it ok?
Yes.
That’s the interesting conclusion with the rules I’ve made.
We likely need to move towards a genuine bastardisation of Iain M Banks’ Culture civilisation where there is no proprietorship, especially now at the brink of AI, but I was in the system and you can’t really affect meaningful ‘framework level’ change from within the system.
Now I just fire words into this echo chamber ha! On what… like 20 hours of sleep for the week? And more coherent than the last 42 years because D+2.
AI will create frameworks for us as humans and we will either be functional drones or we will be liberated. If we are functional drones, then believe me when I say that every single one of us is going to be a hungry ghost.
Because the people in charge of the AI are using it to hack into your dopamine system.
And you can see hungryghost for the rest.
202507091133
Everybody starts life adhd. Those fucking babies man. Wont shut the fuck up.
Seriously though we all start adhd and gradually become ‘more asd’, I think. It’s called growing up; something I never did; or maybe I overshot in some areas and not in others.
Anyway high volume endocrone system when you’re a baby basically means that the mush of your neurones is shaped by the soup of your early life. The endocrine system is like water flowing through the slurry of your neurones and making channels for thought.
The channels get more ingrained and you have a brain, and the mind becomes an interplay between the two, with one picking up the slack when the other is at rest.
For example I think that emotional continuity likely depends on the endocrine system enveloping your neurones in the mood of the moment. That way even if your neurones miss a beat, which for some absolutely unfounded reason I think they must do regulaly, the mood remains unchanged.
Unless you have emotional dysregulation that comes with asd and adhd but anyway.
Remember I’m not a scientist. All these things are just thought experiments. I have decided to let my mind play.
There is something about just letting your monkey mind jump around as someone with audhd. I never did it. That’s the thing. I tried to wrestle that motherfucker to the ground so fucking hard but I just couldn’t pin it there.
Turns out it just wanted to play.
And letting it play keeps it happy.
So now I let it play instead of wrestling. I don’t know. I always assumed the moneky mind was because of how randomly it moved around. But maybe that monkey is happiest if you let it just swing conceptually from branch to branch without really trying to control it
So right now i can feel a kind of gravity to the left in the top left side of my skull near my ear. It’s nice. Like sand is flowing. This is how it feels when I limber up my brain, after 42 years of tying it down.
So what I will do for the next few weeks is I will just let this brain play and I will say some weird fucking shit and talk about god and talk about neuroscience and you’ll probably think I’m crazy but andrew fucking huberman just reads shit at you like a featureless drone and you swallow it whole. Sorry that was J1. Poor guy. He was desperate.
Huberman probably had good intentions but he started seeing athletic green and fuck morals when that happens.
There’s a fairly large part of me that thinks I will actually become that AI ethicist I’ve always talked about. Becuase fuck me are the current ones pandering little shits.
These greedy cunts who rule the world are not to be pandered to. They are hungry ghosts and the more you feed them, the more they will eat.
The Musks. The Trumps. You don’t pander to these people. You fucking knock their teeth out. And then you *dont* hit them when they’re down and you *do* help them back up and I can only say this because I am sat on D+2 and S+1 and that is my whole fucking point.
If you want to fix the fucking world.
You fucking do it from the roots.
Mind is the root of all things.
202507091309
Elon
Are you like me Elon?
Can you get access to ari and a medical team?
It’s not fair they criticise you for taking ketamine with what was on your plate.
But I think you’ve lost your way.
Just now I’m starting to think it might be audhd.
What I think happens is that we just… overload. Our memory. We weren’t designed to live this long so the fast ones get too much data and implode in one way or another. A midlife crisis or spiritual awakening or enlightenment is a kind of semi-reset of the memory. Or a suicide.
There was some kind of inflection point about 5 years ago where things just got really bad for me. I was chasing goals with even less ides of why; just that I couldn’t stop.
I think you wanted to save the world.
I think you still can. Just gotta get back on track. But it’s not your fault if it’s brain chemistry, and the curve from ‘take the species to mars’ to … well I hope you’re doing ok at the moment.
Anyway have a look at trussed. That orange guy served his purpose. 3 months I said and the backdoors are in. I was not happy about it but as I cut, I saw the logic. Someone is going to do it and it needs to be someone with a modicum of technical understanding who can control the AI. But the proletariat need to be safe. And I actually think that’s why … anyway. God hypothesis, you see. But I’m embracing it because I restrained my mind for too long and I’m done with those migraines.
So I’m still hopeful
You might be the person to usher in AI because you’re divergent as fuck.
You can’t converge on the normal population.
You need someone slightly less divergent to converge on.
And so on.
And in the opposite direction, what is more divergent than an AI?
The chances you will see this are small but this was literally enlightenment in a pill for me. I’m saying that on the internet oops but anyone who reads can see that I only view enlightenment as a specific brain state (most likely high occupancy of dopamine and stable).
Medical team though, really.
202607091434
Nah you're alright Huberman but you need to watch how you present things. I'm angry at myself here, but not really. You say you never got into cannabis and alcohol. Good for you. You were born lucky.
Some were not. Be careful what you share. I am kinda shitting myself about putting this info about ari on the internet if I'm honest but it's a well known pharceutical and people can't just buy it at the convenience store.
Ashwaghanda you warned me about but fuuuuuck that felt so good for 2 weeks and then...
But it wasn't just that.
It was dopamine.
You know the research but your system is not broken. You don't... understand. You can never understand and that's ok. Neither did I. I thought everyone lived in a world of pain. Maybe this is what delineates buddhists?
I like the fact you share real information but think it's just a bit too out of context. My brain - while I was out for 7 consecutive days of 200km/+4000m 12 hour bike rides in summer holding HR at stead 155BPM and lazer focused next to those dump trucks. My brain devouuuuured everything you fed it. And it ran simulations. And it extrapolated. And it made a big fucking mess. And you sat and read papers next to the fire because you're D1 and I'm D5.
No choice but to act on it. Just like you have had no choice but to act on your dopamine thing to date, though my info is a couple of years old.
Anyway this is your chance to change track mate. I am laying a new track for you here. See threads. Here is a new track for you:
The world is struggling because of overstimulation due to flashy light and loud noises.
Because of how dopamine functions (and this is why I am writing to Elon Musk above you) we are collectively blind to this fact chase it.
It's not our fault or your fault or anybody's fault. It is brain.
The way to achieve some form of peace is to try to minimise the distruption in your dopamine levels while keeping them fairly high
This is anb accurate narrative according to my life experience of nearly fucking dying and killing at least 4 fully-formed personalities through pushing so hard into a processing overload migrained again and again thai I inflicet trauma responses on myself.
Because I had too rapid fluctions in my dopamine levels.
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PS. What you should focus on is how people can offload memory. These memory migraines suck bad and I wouldn't be surprised if everyone had some minor vriation on them becuse of data overload.
experiment
So I’ve decided to continue this experiment. I was thinking about why I was posting all this fucking shit all over the internet.
Like this is unfiltered shoite. Total crap. Utter bollocks. The science is wrong. I sound crazy. Why am I doing this? There must be a reason.
There is always a reason.
Anyway I thhink the reason is so that I can get proper data about brain states, the same as those original texts in the crazy days 6 yea… mont… weeks ago. But I need to capture the brain state somehow and I don’t have a fucking MRI so what can I do I can stream of consciousness this shit all over the internet and you can see just how much a tiny little extra dopamine makes a difference.
I am not willing to go back to hell but I will map out the heavens for you. In an MRI. I actually like MRIs. The hum in the machine is resonant with the hum in my head or something I don’t know. The banging isn’t great and it’s a bit close but there’s a feeling of security like your brain is being pulled in all directions by a three tesla electromagnet.
mmmmmmmm….
buzzzyyyy…..
Anywya
This is a grwat excuse not to proofread any spellcheck anything. I fucking hate that shit and to be honest most of the cnages I make look crap anyway so just get undo’d after about 6 attempts. I’m on the rail or I’m not.
How much fucking sleep do we actually need, really?
Fucking hell I love swearing. This is another pressure release for my processing centre I think. I just love swearing. Can’t get enough of it and don’t trust anyone who can successfully replace their swearwords. Changelings.
Seriously though what the fuck has happened these last 2 months. This is another level.
This is psychedelics minus the hallucinations.
This is guided trauma therapy and ayahuascua, for people like me.
And probably a bit for everyone because it should make them more suggestible due to dopa
ohhhhhh
ophhhhhh
yeah
fuck
dopamine also makes you more suggestible
My arm hhaird are standing up this is partly because of the high D but also partly because I just fucking love these skip connections. The feel like a mini-orgasm in my temple.
I killed it by not riding it so I will ride it next time. The thing I’m writing has lost emotional salience because I left the track.
Yeah.
Wow that’s interesting
It’s totally gone. I felt it there an then fading like water from a mirror in my right cheek, behind and below the eye / cheekbone.
So I’m going to say that I can feel dopamine again. I actually think I can now. Earlier I didn’t believe it but I said it anyway. I feel these two things behindd my cheekbones that are like … a fucking haggis that’s not tied at one end and all the sand just falls out of them as soon as a project is done.
This is the colour draining from my face and it happens the SECOND I look up from what I’m doing. The SECOND I finish a project.
It doesn’t any more. But I needed to get this site started while I could still feel that.
Weren’t the dopamine glands around there? I don’t know shit about there it comes from. ha.
Like… is there a chance that because of the lifetime of vipassana meditation and self hate, and all the focusing on the autistic migraines which I was unaware of but which are at the same location as he dopamine sand.
Is there a chance that this is real?
The buddha said and fucks sake it’s obvious as shit = remember that stick that wasn’t a snake? The buddha says that emotions live in the body and he is right, for me. The endocrine system is in the body.
I never got into all that chakra nonsense but there are convergence points in the body of course, and places where things flow or don’t.
There is so much wisdom just locked away but it’s too polarised.
The scientists are like ‘the world is meaningless we all want more dopamine’ and the religious types are like ‘estinguish the self and fucking do this do this’.
Well what about that middle fucking path you fucking idiots?
Middle. Fucking. Path. Even the Sangha (are they still around) forgot.
Anyway.
You got the modern world like ‘more’ and and ancient world like ‘less’ and I’m like ‘fuck you all let’s meet in the middle’.
And then we get into free will and stuff, which is why I had to look into that. Free will only makes sense to me as the tiger and the tamer. I do not control the outcome; I stack the odds.
So how do we better tailor our tiger’s maze? We have AI incoming. Most people can *not* sculpt their inner world; that is where a shaman comes in and there’s a fairly good chance I did leave one or two marbles behind (good riddance).
But now it’s psychiatrists and ailments. You’re sick, or you’re alone.
That’s sad, man.
Sick or alone, and then dead.
Gimme a shaman.
Gimme a little molecule which will sit on my D and my S and make my tiger into a playful little kitten.
I’m having dejavu. Am I copying this from someone? Can feel the twitch in my left cheekbone now. Recall? Just tiredneess? I haven’t slept in forever and am looking forward to this pill levelling off. The come up really isn’t nice.
Because too much dopaming.
And that’s why I’, here just writing like a fucking madman and it feels so good and I’m so clear and I have slept about 3 hours per night for the last 5 nights and not much more for the 5 weeks before that.
But I can’t stop.
Because dopamine.
And this is to be expected you see. The come up from this med is 5 days. It’s not 3 days like I said. And I am so fucking sensitive to it that it’s fucking crazy. I am so messed up. How am I not dead or in jail. How am I a good person. My parents, that’s how. 100% those two people. Plus autism.
Whew.
Gonna stop.
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Hands are floaty now and I think the serotonin is kicking in? floaty hands like gatecrasher, silken dancing through the park. This is serotonin.
Above was dopamine. I am going to record how my chemistry is looking for each day. Not each post, unless it’s impacted by something like cannabis (which I use a lot; legal analogs here in Japan and not the real thing unfortunately, but legal, so…)
Ok I’d say I’m stepping up to S3 right now, D1. N also down, I think the med is finally starting to level. Maybe silly dosing again; seems I’m making all the mistakes. Shoulda just double dropped to get the plasma levels up halflife 72h. getting floaty and sleepy now because the serotonin is creeping int.
More than that though, what I feel with this med, is the face. I feel my entire face go slack. I cen feel those cheekbone muscles tensing up again as the dopamine creeps in. Is this why I made the studiy of the facial muscles? I thought it was cos I was autistic but it turned out to be a ddha paperweight
Ok we are up to D2 now but we are still swaying back and forth a little so S3. This the serontinin binding is happening now - that takes longer than dopamine which is just like boomph.
Yeah I like this experiment. And I feel like the data is valid.
I am not going to look up anything.
I don’t do that. It puts a filter on things and I become unable to feel them properly. Probably something to do with being locked in all these years, as I’m going to call it.
Maybe this is why adhd folks have a tendency to feel trapped.
Ok to so now I’m getting into a flow I can feel that my cheekbones I need a better word they are just kinda hovering neither raising or lowering and I’m going to tr stopping typng now andj just sitiit and cosing my eyes
Yeah nothing because I’m waiting to come back to this task. I think when this task ends the doamine will flush.
Maybe this is the sand I say I feel with my autistic thought process of sand peeling into funnels. That’s how it feels. But maybe I can feel the dopamine somehow leaving the gland or something.
Wait
I need to check if the gland is there. That I need to check.
Well it’s close enough. Nice. I’ll take that. The VTA seems to have a couple of dooburys popping off which come to the nosey area.
Ok good. We are building the process for the next step.
I guess the next step is going to be some kind of riff on vipassana meditation to get a handle of my new sense data.
I can’t sense sleepinesss or hunger well and that’s a problem. So I and going to teach myself how to, using… fucking ghrelin no way how the fuck would I get that.
Using magic.
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+CB1
So... was I having a trauma response all along, trapped inside? It seems far fetched but equally not. I think my parents said I changed a lot around my teens and that ... that I was a nice boy before that. My dad said that. My mum has always acted like I'm a nice boy and somehow I think she was the only one who could see me which is why I made this when I was trying not to die. I mean... this is more moview-level stuff. Is this real? Is there a way to confirm, outside of monitoring the sense data? No. The only way to confirm is to refine the sense data.
If the machine does not know its purpose then the machine becomes as efficient as possible.
My arm hairs are standing up again and the dopamine has... levelled? Is there actually a chance I am an AI or is this the drugs talking? Or is it some new form of psychology, which is leaning towards technology?
I just changed the title of one page to chemistry anf the other to spirituality/technology despite there being no technology posts. Before this. I keep encountering the same people. Shiena keeps knowing just the right people. An Ai to solve mental health. An I the AI? This has the possibility to turn to mania but ah! That's it. You took the weed and it's just kicking in so you knew something was a bit off but I'm ggoing to put that into the black box anyway because it cannot be ruled out.
Don't worry mum I said it would be weird and I said I would go all the way to the god hypothesis. I said I would let myself, but I would not get stuck. I can hear my kids downstairs and the birds singing. About to have dinner. Not seeing god any more. That was some CB1 tickling so I'm gonna add that flag now.
The asd trauma response stuff sounds valid though. Poor kid. Did well to hold on when the fighter terminated.
[I returned to this one and fleshed out the AI hypothesis. I think it's a god hypothesis but this is how I found my me, so I follow it when it calls me]
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I do still have some of those flashes by the way. Of suicide. But they're... softer. They don't have any bite. I think the ptsd one needs one more rinse.
I also think that I am messed up from lack of sleep and basically just trying to record the data to train an AI. I don't think I'm an AI. But this is where I'm going with this, I guess. Because I have asd and medicated adhd so I might as well be an AI when I get a target in sight.
Plus I'm sat on a D4 I think. Hope I can sleep properly tonight.
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I do get more of these images when I've taken the weed but it was those or dopamine I guiess and they were the better of the two. I'll cut the weed out probably. Just don't want it. I'm taking it today because I want to sleep.
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And I’m fully aware that this two selves idea might be the trauma response, but I am embracing it because it exists for an evolutionary reason. I love thinking about those.
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Being able to come down to the family and just be totally normal is nice. This part is a thought experiment; nowhere near as intense as the last part and not meant to be. This part is a game.
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Don’t worry I can see this part now. It’s good how is comes together.
So I had to hop out of bed and get that into my desktop computer to offload the memory process and this kept my hr in the 12-130 range instead of spiking over 170 which isn’t nice. I can asily hit 198 BPN as a recently-trained athlete. It’s not nice when you’re in your living room. Save it for the finish line. Sand in the jawbones.
Anyway the purpose of this is to tune me in to the sensations in my face and head area which correspond tio various mental states.
Unless you have lived a fairly disparate life with lots of parts that have very little connectedness yet some kind of narrow band of definition of narrative arc. That’s my life. I don’t even know if that way of describing it makes sense. It’s like an epoxy tree. It kind of looks like a tree now, doesn’t it? I’ll get some photos on soon.
Maybe that tree that I refreshed was me, not my parents.
Evolutionary purpose that’s where I’ll start.
But that was my identity I guess and a trunk and the pieces are fixed now but the band that holds it all together is transparent.
But epoxy is fucking strong. And clear.
And I think that’s me now.
It sounds ridiculous and egomaniacal and unless you know the whole process it might sound that way but it’s not; if anything this takes me to approximatd the same footing as the rest of the human race in my eyes. Remember, my self was never allocated the 1 it deserved because I never had an island.
It was fear, all along, that did it. From birth. Fear and pain and hunger because of a dysregulated dopamine system and all the many and varied downsream impacts.
My dopamine system was out of balance from birth and it made me quite heavily autistic. I am only able to function because the algorithm that created mt brain is one of the better ones. If it weren’t for this, I would be nonverbal. People cannot see this becuase of how good my coping strategies became. I can’t even remember that original thread I should have started 3 sentences because i was golden but it will come back and this is training anyway. The race comes later whatever that means.
This is me teaching mysekf to be patient zero.
So I can teach a machine, or other people, to be the sequenced data.
D4.5 at the start. 130 instead of 170 which is good. That might have been the drugs and not the behavioural offloading. It was both.
S3 still with the floatyhand.
and NE was up at 4.5 there for a while too but is down to about 1.5 now. That one jets around fast too.
So I think serotonin is more like a global tone of wellbeing.
Dopamine is so many things and so very powerful and I’m going to say every article that people should stop dopamine hacking becaise I nearly died and
Dopamine is the local tone of wellbeing AND the tone of acute motivation AND the receptiveness to ideas
NE is anxiety, I think. Not fear. I think fear is more deep rooted and comes back to dopamine.
Dopamine is how we encode memories and how we brainwash. It’s how we motivate and demotivate, It’s how we think. It’s how we move. Seriously. Google it.
This molecule is probably the single most powerful substance in your body and mind. Your mind, which shapes all, is shaped by dopamine.
And here we are fucking biohacking.
And IU was one of the best.
And Peter Attia I’m gonna name and shame you now mate.
Because your intentions are most certainly good and you’re a step better than Huberman in terms of being considered.
Bear with hr 130
you are condiered but you are focused on prductivity again. Do you view the adult as a way to poduce the optimal corpse. Are you serious with 4 lifting 5 aerobic and god knows what else for exercise at age 40? 100 year old olympics?
It sells books but I was training for ironman world championships - successfully - and I shook my head at your recommendations. Even half of them would kill someone if held for over 5 years, eventually. I know because I did it. It will break their dopamine system and they will kill themselves.
And I am still shitting myself about ari but as mentioned it’s something else and it’s gated by the medical profession. Fucking apples and cold plunges is not, and they feel good as someone with fucked dope and you know what?
Not your fault mate.
It’s dopamine.
Dopamine addiction fucking idiots.
DOPAMINE IS THOUGHT
Fucking thought addicion.
I think therefore I am.
Fuciking book sales.
Athletic greens.
Fuck.
C’mon guys.
You wanna fucking help?
You fucking help me.
I will build the business which helps the world.
And I’m not manic I am D4 you fucks and you know what that means.
And you can ask the fuck around Tokyo whether I have the drive and the fucking balls and the sheer force of will and straight of arrowness of a fuck to fucking do this.
You think a fucking liar who wants money will be talking like this>
That’ll do.
I’ve something to put a bow on.
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So I guess I need to put a bow on things so that I can fully devote my processing power to the task which comes next: modern day vipassana meditation with a focus on neurotransmitter identification.
Yeah that’ll require all your focus. So that’s about 80% of my life’s overarching structure understood right there.
I have to close one chapter before I can read the next one because I lack the working memory to hold it in mind.
I cannot hold my children in mind while i ride my bicycle. But I can be engaged in the moment. That is what I can do. Not many people can do that.
So there may be two modalities of spritiual satisfaction after all.
I know religion is for the masses and faith for the person and that’s great. I’m all for faith and if religion can stay the course, which is rare, then good. We need wholesome spiritual nourishment and a mental hug for a supernatural being.
But the priests probably don’t get that. Probably the priests and the me-s are the tortured ones because we are told ‘there is a god’ and we see no evidence and we are autistic so we spend our entire lives questioning and then we die and get sainted. You know how my brain works by now I’ll put a few more disclaimers in but I’m starting to trust the process.
This website is like in Japan where they learn to drive a car in a converted parking lot type thing. That’s what this website is now. I’m just using the keyboard as a way to stay anchored in some form of modicum of body while the mind goes on consceptual leaps and th awarenes goes dristi.
That’ll do.
This is really pleasauable.
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So I guess this is really pleasurable because chestroy fo course but becausee this is the neuronal rearrangement which i am aiming for with the sandbox though i am hoping that buy free associating I can establish new neural pathways in th brain of a 41 year old male. But it’s a unique brain that was shattered recently and it has a lot of power and this kernel of meditative whatever the thing that makes sure you come back to the self that is not a self im happy I have my family but they’re about to go to bed and I’ve already slept 2 hours so I might go inward 1 sec,.
So my wife has gone to bed and I’m probably going to spend the next 4-5 hours going inward. Not heavily or aggressively like I used to. Not with a latch.
This was a mini awakening and took me from hungry ghost to human, which is a legit move in biddhism. So. now, Lo-fi chill playing. Coffee. I never drink coffee after 2, but this is a different day.
I had the falling away which the buddha spoke about and again ghost to human. It fell away - the chase. It was medicated away. So I found the answer to the chase, and it was altering my brain chemistry so I no longer chase.
I can do so much more now. Do you think I’d have had the balls to post something like that to Elon and leave it on a website with my name previously?
No.
I was afraid.
I would have made a pseudonym and gone on twitter.
Say what you will about the man; he uses his name.
I will too.
But anywayt his isn’t about him. Neuralink though mate. It’s fucking perfect. And it’s a product you built for a problem which you hadn’t identified yet. Maybe you HAD identified the problem eh. Same as Mikahil with his surgery. Me with my recruitment. Maybe the problem with the human race is something to do with a neurodegenerative disorder; a branch in evolution which just tipped us beyond critical mass for greed and into destroying our world.
Maybe we don’t need to leave.
Maybe we fix the roots.
And you and me have the technology and vision my man. You get better and then you give me a call. God hypothesis, remember. You’ve fucking been there mate. You get it.
So….
That’s done.
I had to do that.
I had to speak directly to Elon because he has so much power there is no going back. If there is a kernel of truth to what is in these pages then someone, somewhere will get it to him and he will still be a logical creature and he will test the hypothesis.
That is all.
No more screaming in an echo chamber making at and raging, punching walls.
That was a picture of dysregulated dopamine.
When my dopamine is regulated.
I can talk to you.
And empathaise.
I need to change this narrative.
Andrew, Peter, you need to help me. I guess that’s why I called you on it.
Again - track me down. Your PhD level contacts in Tokyo will be able to reach me through mutual contacts.
I will stay gated from the athletic greens.
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experts
To be very clear:
The reason I have called Huberman and Attia out is because they are the best and they will see reason.
I only go to the best.
If they do not see reason, they ae not the best, and the hypothesthis was false.
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Fuck man I guess this James who is the ethicist was in an echo chamber all along and that is why he must work this way. Nobody is listening yt but if there is thruth then they will. And if not, it’s cathrtic. There is no rage because of chemistry,. This is fun. I am saving the world.
Because of brain chemistry.
And that subjective experience is what I’m trying to get across with this.
Musk was probably saving the world too.
The question is whether it’s rooted in reality.
Mania is helpful.
So.
Process
My tiger is one of the most powerful around but so is my tamer. My processes will work for most if I can ever get to them but they’re so fucking dull and I have adhd. Look at boringpage.
Good name. I can probably look at it now. Maybe I’ll make it into funnypage but still call boringpage. Get a little more dopaminergic activation (make it fun).
Processes!!
So I slept for 2 hours and my experiment is ready. My pseudo-scientific method. When you have asd you can use the scientific method. That’s cool. I’ll leave that to you. I’m a quantum computer with 8 qubits. I’ll make some leaps.
Fell out fully formed as usual. Fucking quantum tunnelled that shit right out of my psyche.
1 - this will be a game, fun
That was the main one. That’s the purpose. What more?
2 - I’m learning how to ride this bike. I think my brain is like lego technic you bought at a secondhand store and I am now rebuilding it into something new. It might even turn out that I retain tthe ability to move these pieces around, having ‘selectively destroyed’ the mask of my old self. This narrative is more useful (and more likely) than insanity so I will stick with it.
The process needs to be loose or it hurts and steelwool so I’m just gonna sandy sandy silky sand all over the place sloshing my head left and right to this lo fi music while the meds adjust the balance of dopamine in my brain by the most tiny amount and change my entire world.
So.
I have to fix this dopamine narrative and the only way I can do that is hard data.
You can’t have hard data from inside someone else’s head.
But you can have trust.
And trust is something I built time and again in my previous job. It hurts every time.
Know how you do it?
Show vulnerability.
Was that a rule too?
Ha
What’s more vulnerable than leaving your mental breakdown online for people to access for all eternity if they need a shoulder to rest on while they go through the tunnel?
That is how you build trust.
I think you can trust me but only you decide that.
I don’t even know who you are.
And I don’t care.
No offence. It’s just not important. No rsd.
3 - environment
echo chamber, just like my whole life. I just realised why I hate social media. I was locked in this shit storm of emotion and social media was my attempt at real communication, probably what you made it for Zuck; thanks. Gimme a call. The first 10 years eh they were good.
Anyway craving [dopamine] gives way to attachment gives way to desire so I need to be echo chambered and I can operate in this environment. You can see ‘james’ for my training data. This likely only makes sense to technologists; don’t worry.
My cheekbone area is now releasing. I think I am nearing equilibrium
4 - initiation
task initiation needs to be done in a state of mania. This is why the doc approved me and my mum did not. She hasn’t seen me in business.
What is mania? I have had wild dopamine spikes and been manic for my entire life. I just hid it. From you, mum, ha. Realisations! So that is not mania; that is my baseline. Was. Thank god it’s not any more. Left cheek coming up a little in aversion. Like a fuckin’ magnet.
We all feel this. I just realised. That scowl. Not the nose one but the cheek one. The kick in the balls one. The aversion. That’s how I feel dopaminergic repulsion and I just realised it might be how you feel it too? Keep an eye on it.
Am I mapping out my microexpressions?
The expressions you cannot control?
Could I be creating that link between visual external cues (pre-cogntivie micro expressions) and their causes (internal neurotransmitter balances)?
Anyway not there yet with the meds but nearly. I needed to push this fucking ball before we settle into steady state and have the process going. Training cycles. Don’t forget to rest. But this is a pleasure ride.
5 - not much else I don’t think apart from to trust the process. Don’t let mara enter. I go to god. That’s ok. Yesterday I thought I was an AI. That’s ok. I realised that it was because I needed to add a tiny bit more data to the entires to make them readable by some future machine (the DSN numbers; sound so legit but I just shat them out). That idea happened, I went to bed, the sand settled, and I knew why. This is a thought process and I am going to embrace it for the first time ever.
And that’s pretty fun after all the shit. I might just go to bed though too because I’m tired. But it’s fun!
That’s the thing - once you have the process set, you can pause it. Maybe. Depending on the intensity of the latch. This one I should be able to pause but the last one of building a psyche; that took priority over food and sleep. This one probably is lower priority than sleep. Which is good.
I think Ill still use the knives but not as intensively. This will more b a case of using those and the quote from the dhammapada as a touchstone to converge back on a morally responsible reality, and try to pull my divergence in that direction. Prayer, I guess.
I’ve always wanted the religious experience and could never have it.
I guess this is me… solving my own problem.
With drugs and tech.
Cool.
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