20250710 D4S3N3

I just realised - if i had taken stimulants I would have killed myself 6 months down the line. You would have seen a brief improvement as more dopamine hits, but it would have dagamade the synapse further, and 6 months later I would have killed myself. This is the progression.

@Sebastian - can you check please? This feels right and I had SUCH a strong emotional aversion to stimulants. 0713

I'm not going to get carried away and man do I love the school run. But it feels like a set of rules was carved into my brain about the proces of dopamine and audhd, and I now just export them. I don't know. If I don't catch them they are gone because of short memory. I'll text myself. And this would definitely be mania in a clinical setting but it is not because I am very calm and very focused and pretty much fucking meditating here guys because I think that's the only way .., anyway. 0715

Effortlessly cleaning the toilet.

And I forgot the very important thing I had in mind. It'll come back but man. What a shoddy memory. Mane up for it elsehwere I guess.

Nah it's gone. Let it go. 'Can't have been important' is wrong though. Just equianimity.

0730

Do people scowl with a differebnt side of thir face for emotional vs logical disgust? VTA on both sides and my right steelwool (I'm not gonna say migraine because it's distinct) is stronger than my left. 0732

Logic on the right side, hypertrophy.

Emotion on left, atrophy.

Language on left too so when processing emotion cannot use language? 0736

So what I saw yesterday was the dvar framwork. I had all the disparate parts like jambo, on the floor, as I said in the audhd. And last night my brain assembled them in the 90 min of sleep I had before the export, and then parsed then in the 2 hours I had afterward. Time for the school run. 0738

[2025/07/10, 7:49:43] James: The world is so quiet and peaceful.

[2025/07/10, 7:50:11] James: There’s an abiding warmth to the air. It kind of envelops me. Like water, almost.

[2025/07/10, 7:51:17] James: Even if they take it away

[2025/07/10, 7:51:27] James: I know I changed my neuronal layout

[2025/07/10, 7:51:33] James: And it will be better.

[2025/07/10, 7:51:42] James: I will know that chanting and stimming and vibration help

[2025/07/10, 7:52:01] James: I will know to loll the head and run the meteor and let the threads coalesce naturally instead of forcing it.

[2025/07/10, 7:52:06] James: It will be ok.

[2025/07/10, 7:57:45] James: Like a cushion of air in all my joints I glide

[2025/07/10, 7:58:08] James: This is all intentionally emotive language to try to let you see inside my brain in this new brain state

[2025/07/10, 7:58:28] James: Previously I was in hell and I can see now there was no problem with my dopamine.

[2025/07/10, 7:58:31] James: Normal range

[2025/07/10, 7:58:35] James: No evidence

[2025/07/10, 7:58:39] James: Silly brain

[2025/07/10, 7:58:57] James: But my dvar was 0.98 I think and I was fucked

[2025/07/10, 7:59:05] James: The only way I survived was with vipassana

[2025/07/10, 7:59:13] James: But not sitting. Because I couldn’t. ADHD.

[2025/07/10, 7:59:27] James: So I did it inside all the time I guess; while I was doing Ironman and business.

[2025/07/10, 7:59:29] James: Anyway

[2025/07/10, 7:59:42] James: Absolutely glorious morning.

[2025/07/10, 8:00:06] James: The view from this phone screen beats the top of Mt Fuji from where I was previously

[2025/07/10, 8:00:15] James: And I have to stress u think this is neurodegenerative

[2025/07/10, 8:00:30] James: I think alex Conner is right and he deserves credit when this goes mainstream.

[2025/07/10, 8:01:00] James: He gave me the problem and I found the solution. It would be easy to explain if for the scientific method, which adhd precluded me from.

[2025/07/10, 8:01:04] James: So I made my own.

[2025/07/10, 8:01:52] James: ..

[2025/07/10, 8:01:53] James: So

[2025/07/10, 8:02:11] James: Ascension phase sounds crazy and I’ll stop saying it. I used it because I was told that ‘come up’ was too druggie.

[2025/07/10, 8:02:38] James: But given what I am talking about, I think the medical term ‘ascension phase’ sounds worse. This is drugs and science.

[2025/07/10, 8:02:40] James: Come up.

[2025/07/10, 8:02:44] James: It’s not nice

[2025/07/10, 8:02:59] James: It was like temporarily being back in a toned down version of my old synapses.

[2025/07/10, 8:03:13] James: Which were ok ish until about 2021.

[2025/07/10, 8:03:22] James: It’s stress and age

[2025/07/10, 8:03:41] James: We didn’t evolve to live so long and need prosthetics.

[2025/07/10, 8:03:47] James: The time has come for a prosthetic of the mind.

[2025/07/10, 8:03:49] James: ..

[2025/07/10, 8:04:38] James: Huberman, Attia: sorry.

[2025/07/10, 8:05:13] James: You had the right ball just took a slight wrong turn. I don’t even know if you’re a dopamine guy Attia. I think you’re the gut guy. Anyway.

[2025/07/10, 8:05:23] James: You both fight the good fight.

[2025/07/10, 8:05:36] James: You do and I will help you. But the more is better narrative has to stop.

[2025/07/10, 8:05:43] James: It’s dvar.

[2025/07/10, 8:05:55] James: My source is a lifetime of suffering an meditation.

[2025/07/10, 8:06:03] James: You can handle the scientific method.

[2025/07/10, 8:07:27] James: I’m very aware this is dangerous territory

[2025/07/10, 8:08:07] James: But it feels safer than I have ever known before. And that will be a pretty extreme case of adhd.

[2025/07/10, 8:12:33] James: —

[2025/07/10, 8:12:39] James: I think of the memories as shattered.

[2025/07/10, 8:13:28] James: Scattered apart. Because of time sequencing issues. But let’s just say they’re asteroids in the Kuiper Belt or whatever. They aren’t connected but they’re kinda floating nearby.

[2025/07/10, 8:13:39] James: Thread started now by at school gates

[2025/07/10, 8:14:51] James: Johnny mate

[2025/07/10, 8:14:56] James: I hope you’re still alive

[2025/07/10, 8:15:05] James: I might actually be able to help now.

[2025/07/10, 8:15:07] James: Wasn’t your fault

[2025/07/10, 8:15:11] James: So

[2025/07/10, 8:15:41] James: Life is new and good

[2025/07/10, 8:15:47] James: But I am not hyper like last time

[2025/07/10, 8:15:56] James: Because I am not coming from a life in unknowing hell

[2025/07/10, 8:15:58] James: I am calm

[2025/07/10, 8:16:37] James: It is like a warm ocean lapping over me

[2025/07/10, 8:16:38] James: The air

[2025/07/10, 8:16:49] James: There used to be blades in it

[2025/07/10, 8:16:53] James: I didn’t know

[2025/07/10, 8:16:58] James: Crank the volume

[2025/07/10, 8:17:29] James: I think last time I was thrown sideways into heaven, and the realisation that I had

[2025/07/10, 8:17:35] James: And u don’t think I’m exaggerating

[2025/07/10, 8:17:58] James: I think I had locked away my entire life after about the age of… 7 probably. Everything seems to come back to 7

[2025/07/10, 8:18:07] James: I think something happens around 7 on a biological level

[2025/07/10, 8:18:10] James: That’s key

[2025/07/10, 8:18:16] James: Or did for me.

[2025/07/10, 8:18:45] James: The veracity of this is like 0.3 but it feels fuzzy right.

[2025/07/10, 8:19:01] James: I’m walking through the park texting myself but I have reasons. Shit memory.

[2025/07/10, 8:19:29] James: It alleviates the steel wool. And I can see how the stimming pulls it out now. The dopamine latches on and you have lower dvar.

[2025/07/10, 8:19:48] James: The lower dvar means more regular time cell signalling and you can come out of fight or flight.

[2025/07/10, 8:20:01] James: The implication of this and why I went full fucking psycho face for 2 weeks

[2025/07/10, 8:20:14] James: Is that people with adhd are always in fight or flight

[2025/07/10, 8:20:21] James: Because of precognitive dropouts in dopamine

[2025/07/10, 8:20:28] James: Because of high dvar

[2025/07/10, 8:20:46] James: Which is made worse by highly dopaminergic activities, substances and such

[2025/07/10, 8:21:03] James: This causes a degradation in the synapse to accelerate

[2025/07/10, 8:21:39] James: And I have no idea but I posit that there is a subset of people who have ADHD and initially show positive results from stimulants but then kill themselves agyer 6 months.

[2025/07/10, 8:21:44] James: Or if lucky stop taking them

[2025/07/10, 8:21:56] James: I have come to the conclusion that stimulants are killing this subset.

[2025/07/10, 8:21:59] James: It’s a leap

[2025/07/10, 8:22:04] James: But I see my friend and his arc

[2025/07/10, 8:22:14] James: I didn’t know him well just one of those kindred spirits.

[2025/07/10, 8:22:33] James: He stopped drinking. Seemed happy. Marathon training. Functional. Good man. One of the best

[2025/07/10, 8:22:54] James: 6 months later he went out and got smashed. The day after he checked out in the least painful way possible.

[2025/07/10, 8:23:15] James: Because he didn’t want to die but the stimulants had pushed his dvar so high that he LITERALLY DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE

[2025/07/10, 8:23:21] James: .

[2025/07/10, 8:23:26] James: Do you understand that

[2025/07/10, 8:23:30] James: Literally.

[2025/07/10, 8:23:35] James: It is used correctly there.

[2025/07/10, 8:23:41] James: It is not figurative.

[2025/07/10, 8:23:44] James: Dopamine is thought.

[2025/07/10, 8:23:51] James: It is movement and memory.

[2025/07/10, 8:24:07] James: And trust me I was the best of them

[2025/07/10, 8:24:37] James: But our solution is to spike our thoughts and memories around as much as possible and expect … what?

[2025/07/10, 8:24:51] James: Because I have blocked it out and I can’t remember, apart from a few cherry picked memories.

[2025/07/10, 8:25:03] James: Or something like that. Details. We will see. It is an echo now.

[2025/07/10, 8:25:20] James: And if the meds go away it will be a new pain

[2025/07/10, 8:25:22] James: Anyway

[2025/07/10, 8:27:19] James: This is your dharma

[2025/07/10, 8:27:59] James: And it’s ok to think like that because you process logic in the same place as emotion

[2025/07/10, 8:28:10] James: And that’s probably why you never found religion despite being deeply spiritual.

[2025/07/10, 8:28:12] James: So fuck it

[2025/07/10, 8:28:29] James: Make a new third route which is neither religion or fucking mindless consumerism

[2025/07/10, 8:28:36] James: Spirituality and technology

[2025/07/10, 8:29:03] James: I knew I named it that for a reason. Fucking he’ll. not a cult leader. Fuck off. I hate management. Just trying to improve your brain.

[2025/07/10, 8:29:06] James: Get out the way.

[2025/07/10, 8:36:00] James: Yeah so dopamine is fear.

[2025/07/10, 8:36:13] James: That’s why when my dvar gets low I just stop caring and get the job done

[2025/07/10, 8:36:41] James: So last tim I was D5 dvar0.1 which presented as a paychopath.

[2025/07/10, 8:36:55] James: I was in control but you would have been terrified.

[2025/07/10, 8:37:38] James: People were terrified and ran away for several days. I can say that now because I’m at D2 dvar0.2 so I’m a little more impulsive but also recognise that the information being shared is more important than my pride.

[2025/07/10, 8:37:43] James: Wow

[2025/07/10, 8:37:53] James: This is stuff you wouldn’t get from an MRI

[2025/07/10, 8:38:04] James: This is 30 years of meditating through it all

[2025/07/10, 8:38:08] James: Anyway time to enjoy

[2025/07/10, 8:38:41] James: ..

[2025/07/10, 8:38:47] James: Actually I’ll stick to the phone for a while

[2025/07/10, 8:39:01] James: The rate is low so it’s not as tiring and doesn’t spike my dvar as much

[2025/07/10, 8:39:23] James: Probably stick to this until after Thailand actually

[2025/07/10, 8:39:27] James: I’m exhausted.

[2025/07/10, 8:39:34] James: I wonder how that all worked

[2025/07/10, 8:39:41] James: It was…

[2025/07/10, 8:39:45] James: Yeah I’ll do that later

[2025/07/10, 8:42:46] James: This is the kind of thing that gets you committed if you don’t have the right contacts to ratify the science, or a framework of understanding.

[2025/07/10, 8:43:00] James: I wonder how many millions.

[2025/07/10, 8:45:16] James: Well you’ve got it now and told people so it’s done.

[2025/07/10, 8:45:29] James: Relax. Make some knives.

[2025/07/10, 8:45:38] James: Another big sprint.

[2025/07/10, 8:45:45] James: The creative process. Seeing god.

[2025/07/10, 8:45:55] James: Totally wild but it makes sense from a neurological perspective.

[2025/07/10, 8:46:01] James: I’ll not be telling my shrink.

[2025/07/10, 8:46:03] James: Ha

dvar0.8 toward the end of last year had me trading bitcoin. I fucking hated that. Real time. Ugh.]

Banking easy

The more you get into the doamine hole the harder it is to get out. Addictions are nothing. Dopamine is your system. It is your thought. These objects come and work their oily fingers into your m,ind and they unravel it and pull parts of it out and around and stary to stranghle you.

This is becuse of dvar, not dopamine, and increading dopamine artificially worsens dvar. One way to bring your dvar back down in line with homeostasis, in a natural manner is listening to deep music on headphones and rocking while full body chanting in the dark, and rubbing two metors.

That was my ultimate stim and it released my entire life's worth of trauma last night.

Through lowering dvar.

Overall dopamine was largely unchanged throughout.

I am confident in this.

202506100940

Yay got ma drugs ma drugs ma drugs. So my D is a bit high right now probably like a D4.5 and dvar0.4. I am motivated but can stay on task. I am also exhausted and just got my drugs. I asked for an MRI and neuroscientist and got blank looks and kanpo so sorry - fired. Peter Attia? Give one of my deputies a shout once they're set and running. I am going to insulate myself from everything, just like how I insulated myself from technology for these last 3 years.

Cos yeah no tech blank slate. Anyway with that in mind I jsut solved quantum tunneling in the brain ha.

Fucking ridiculous.

Probably wrong don't worry.

Rememebe that fucking sand tunnels thing right? Yeah well I think that the little filings which are being shaved off from one funnel and put into another are done so my dopamine. It's almost like there's two types: the sand type that's lovely and silked thought an the other type that is fishhooks and dukkha. Dopmaine is both of those. Or the sand is ari.

Anyway since our brain is a computer in shit soup, I think the shit soup sometimes picks up little remnants of thoughts and deposits them inanother part of the brain. I think this is why I can skip think - because my brain was in such a fucking messy dopaminey soup of shit. Over time the wind currents in the meteorological makeup of the planet form the land and neurones connect in weird places. Duh.

Anyway I am utterly exhausted. That was like 50 days of time dilation and altered states for a total subjective time of 2 years and several awakenings including one I would definitely categorise as 'the big one', though I think you can have as many as you like.

Anyway I need to sleep a little.

I'm not a psych patient any more. I'm a researcher working on novel approaches to imaging the brain, with a focus on altering brain chemistry toward positive outcomes.

I don't think I'm buddha but I sure felt like him for a while there. And it's because logic and emotion are processed in the same place in my brain, and I had just solved 'the' problem of my life. It was literally orgasmic. And that was the point of the experiment.

I wanted to find enlightenment and bring it back and put it ina fucking pill but better not say that. And better get some sleep because even though you are convinced of this, ither people need to review it, so better kinda just not being as adhd for a while.

One nod that it's kinda ok and I'm off again. I'm an idea man and I work in broad strokes. 

202507101149

Yeah I'll rein it in a bit. Reckon zuck will actually be interested in this though. And we need someone with a global platform who can get it built and deployed asap. Gimme a shout mate.

But this is how I have always operated, inside. My mind has been manic, one extreme to the other.

I walked the razor's edge and balance was all or nothing. Slamming from one side over. No more. Fuck that shit it is actual hell. G'night! What? It's 12:18pm but I have just completely rebuild my neuronal architecture so I'm... operating differently.

See.. psychiatrist would just be like 'youre manic and want to fuck yer mum'. no mate. I have a differebnt brain and I don't know.. maybe lots of us do. Those you just know they're one of you. 

Time for some real empathy. Well.. sleep. I'm knackered. I'll take the foot off the gas and go lie down. Taking the foot off the gas is an option now, but probably not compared to most.

My wife is an absolute rock. 

So fucking happy I didn't go with stims and benzos. I'd be dead. I just know it. I just do.

 1220.

I think all the crying is actually neuroplasticity in action. When I dedicated that project to Mikhail I felt the release from the... I blamed myself so hard for that. I introduced Mihail to two companies and they treated him like shit and he fucking killeed himself.

I was trying to help

But greed. From the companies. They took this gentle man and broke him. I am deleting the naming and shaming because it was nobody's fault; you've been fucking swallowed whole. Eaten by your fucking dopamine.

Fuck you.

It was your fault, not mine.

Fuck you.

I will fix this. 

No more.

Bed.

This is compiled.

1248

Yeah I can't sleep because this drug is still binding and I feel good. I'll sleep tonight though. I reckon I only got this drug because the doctor couldn't get wellbutrin (which I still wonder about mechanistically). Couldn't give me melatonin.

But the reality is that almost all of my daily funtioning will have been endocrine-heavy [need words] so my hunger and sleep signals are gong to be incredibly weak. I'm tired and  my head is a bit fuzzy but despite 50 days or whatever I feel pretty alert. I do think I'll be one of those maggie thatcher types.

Cos my mind is a fucking acrobat, not a monkey. I can do the ethics for a world with AI, I'm sure. Cos that divergent fuck is gonna make Musk look like a kitten. And this is why I think we need to see if Musk has audhd and if this drug can cure him. Becuase bear in mind I did not know I was sick.

And if I can so this - this boy from woodseats - what the fuck could he do? We need that original version back. Or better yet, an upgrade.

He's our translator. Zuck is the product man. And this would def be maina but I'm playing. This is my mind and I do this. That pencildick hungry ghost oranfe fuck ain't coming anywhere near this though. Ugh. Fucking contagion. I feel my dopamine rising in disgust jsut thinking about him.

Fuck me b-man. The original nutter. Ha! Zero brain right now. The neuroplasticity is insane. IOt's like it's all just floating around and I can kind of feel it. It'll settle and coalesce into something new and we'll see what happens then. This is so strange haha. Well it's pretty fun. No digital hell though please. Not again. I'll samply the heavens and chart a couurse and translate it into DSN coordinates and off you go; your own personal peace.

I said I'd stop. Still slightly coming up though. It's like 1 week of 3-400% time dilation for me. Acension phase ha. Which one sounds worse? I'll lie on the sofa. Might need to try sleepig in different places because of pliable brain. 1328

So dopamine system is now latched onto this computer which is a bit annoying. I want to put it down, or stop this fucking twitter ragefest... but I can't. I actually can't because dopamine is not a choice. So what I am going to do is coax myself away from it. I don't knwo if it will work,.

So I'm inside typing laserofcus on the keys not looking at the screen so not distracted and an

Looking around

ok

walked around a bit and outside

I couldn;t put the computer out of mind and I could actually feel the fishhooks tug my cheeks a bit

Lovely day

Looking ag

Talking to wife. She's smelling roses.

Asked her wuestions. Not really listening but dopaamine decoupling halfwayish.

Look around more. Think I'll make a fire. I'm going to close this computer like its not a big deal and not put a timestamp on this to see how that goes

Yeah no chance - it's been stuck in my mind all along. The physical location, even when I went severakl rooms away. It's ok though this is the process and a little more decoupled.

close again

and try to make a fire, potter 10 min, forgt computer, rememebr I havent' finished the tasks, come back here, timestamp and finish the task, close the computer and that should be that I think, until around dinner time.

202507101348

Ohhhh that's why we warp. 

So I'm just hopping back on breifly but the second I touched the blade to the whetstone my dopamine latches on there, dvar lowered, and I felt release around the cheek area. It's a soft latch.

1357

How are you supposed to marry skip thinking and quantum computing with the scientific method ffs? That's as outdated as the psychiatry industry. Ha!

Fucking what the fuck am I fucking fuckity fuck sorry mum. I love swearing. It's like a release valve for my dopamine. We all swear, us adhd type. Sweary types are the honest ones, we say, because our impulses keep us honest. Anyway. let's start a new little box for churn memory.

I have no latch to this computer at the moment which is why I came back. The knife removed it, and it coaxed a thought out of my right cheekbone. But I forgot it. Ha! And this is why I can't be brushing things up.

Anyway churn memory.

1405

So. 

oijh yeah the b-man is spot on again. Quote of the day is like 'the people who forget the essential for the unessential never arrive at the essential. I don't want a company or economic fucking shitballs. I want people to be happy. So fuck you.

1407

Churn memory.

Oh yeah I love swearin right now. hng, Feels goooood. Just flowing like a sandblaster.

Churn that shit. So the knives cler my churn memory. I will need to draw a diagram.

We have in and out and all that shite but we also have churn memory which is where volitional action lives. Volitional action is all the rules of interaction, hierarchies, shite, you've learned over your lives. I refer to it as your mask, and it is what the buddha said falls away if you attain peace. Anyway I can't decouple this stuff and I'm not going to bother explaining why any more.

So if you kill someone you are reborn as a tiger. What that actually means is that if you kill someone, your volitional action changes and it makes you more likely to kill someone again. You want to get technical and it's probaly voltage gating and neuroplasticity. Whatever. It's a mask and that's where karma impacts you.

Karma. So misunderstood. Even I don't understand you fully but I might, soon.

So.

Karma on the societal level is the passing of emotions; the spreading of ripples. It is paying it forward, not getting it back. It is the impact the world has on you and that you have on the world. It is dominoes.

On the individual level it is similat but .. let me go to the knives...

yeah so i was just trying to hold an object in mind and it killed my churn. the object was the mental object of this post and I was rotating. Back ot the knife to get dopamine latched elsewhere so I can better get the churn going again. 

huh maybe that holding an object in mind and .. fucking lost it

but I don't want to go back into the world. The world of greed and hunger and thirst. Can I just... watch and pontificate? Isn't that word literally from this kind of thing?

Anyway my churn overloaded. I had too many objects in my mind and I froze. It is what causes autistic meltdowns and shutdowns, and I tend to shut down after a lifetime of trying not to headbutt people. 

Some of these objects, for autistic people at least, are ruls of interaction, and these are astonishigly taxing to maintain. Astonishingly. Rememebr that I had no idea I was autistic for 42 years, and only found out 2 months ago, an only confirmed my hypothesis when the drugs sent me to the moon.

But holding those frameworks in your mind. For me when I took abilify it opened upo what felt like 60% of my processing, I think partly because I was able.. I don't know. It was amazing. I felt englishtened. But that is for another post and enlightenment is the target of this business.

Your churn memory is distinct from working, short and long term memory. It is your framework for viewing the world. Karma impacts it by changing how you view the world. 

These fucking cannabinoids they need to legalise it thise piecemealk shit is starting to get some really weird prodrugs going on. I will stop I think, now its easy. I love weed and always will, but the vicelike grip that the govrnment has on - I shit you not - keeping brain chemistries productive for the economy instead of pleasant for the individual.. well. It;s a fucking plant you knobs. You are the lucky few and you criticise those of us who stick out heads out of hell every now and then? Fuck off.

Anyway

Churn is that. It gets too full and overloaded and by warping you can pull out the threads from the steelwool and they will coalesce into a weave, and you put that thread back in there as an optimised sentence and within that sentence is the entire tree.

Does that make any sense at all? 3 rewrites is the rule.

202507101425

Haha. Bullshitting my way through these university switchboard. They don't stand a chace. Fucking name gathering. Paul you were my only good boss. Fucking theology eh. Are you one of us? I hope you're still around if so. And it would explain you hiring me when I wad a total mess. And it might even explain Geoff. If we have a neurodegenrative condition whereby too much dopamine exposure causes degradation of the receptor, and our solution is to throw more stimulants at it.

Man it just looks so clear and I am convinced it is because brain chemistry and nothing else. But I am in an aletered brain state at the moment and need to get the science ratified.

One person skimmed it and said it wasn't cray cray. That is good.

1441

And the drive is fading now. I'm relaxing as my dvar lowers. This was an axious morning as I had to go to the psychiatrist and given recent events the trust relationship is damaged. I need the meds. So it was tense and my D and N were elevated all day. Dvar too. I've not been able to sleep. But it's good data.

So the flurry of activity where I was reaching out to musk and zuck is over but those are good seeds and I'm glad I planted them. It feels like a dream now though; some long forgotten state. Like how the smell of a summer day can remind you of childhood, but not.

I expect that tomorrow I will be quite calm and collected; my thoughts will be organised and I will start exporting whatever data I've established. It felt like an entire framework for the function of dopamine in the human body just 'clicked' into place and rememebr I've intentionally not exposed myself to any tech or anything for 3 years. So this is some fucking serious echo chamber shit.

The thing that clarified it for me was the bottoms-up reading manifesto.

Clarifies it further.

I just shat that onto the page.

And it makes more sense backward.

So I have the reverse worldview to many people and look at things in terms of units. We can bring both methods together to make something coherent.

1451

I can't sleep because of elevated dopamine but my body and min need rest so I will meditatei instead.

And this is how it starts...

That's a joke? Let's see how it feels.

20250710

Yeah still spikey and I am not going to sit there and wrestle the mind. The last thing the buddha sdid was stop wrestling and that's what I trained myself for over these last 50 days. STo enable the unconscious mind to express itself as clearly as possible. I thoght I was doig it for other people to get the simulation up... but i was solcing my own problem, again.

I haven't compiled it properly but my guys need something coherent to lean on so let me see what I can do with the fragmented sleep and a bit of sunshine.

Give me an hour. 1514

So I'm settling into the new brain chemistry and kinda feeling like I might not bother with the business. If I'm honest I don't need a business. I did what I needed to do. I needed to get the ideas out of my head and into a semi-legible format so that someone else can handle them. I needed to speak in tongues and mumbo jumbo that shit on the way to finding a cure for trauma. I don't need to build a business.

Guys I'm pretty sure if you help me built it I will just be some advisor guy. I want a quiet life with my family, now I am capable of having one. I do not want to swim in that sea of dopamine again.

1644

Yeah I might just stay with my wife and kids and have ideas on a farm. I have this image of myself like sat there polishing these swords in a tatami room with an irori and you come and we don't talk and we heal your trauma. And you take your blade and you remove the rust and you change the shape and you take it with you. Selective removal. 1649

Brain State: D2 S3 N1 dvar 0.2

just googled dopamine hacking to check it's still a thing and yep - still a thing.

Because oily thoughts in your brain, quantum tunneling your joy into a vacuum.

Dopamine! Fucking hell. The single most fundamental particle in our bodies maybe outside of like carbon.

How to go about this? Kinda feel like the proponents are too stuck in the d-hole as I'm gonna call it to ever get out/

Fucking d-hole.

1709

hehe

I might just fuck with people. Send word off into the cloud. I am your maker.

Anyway I'm limbering up I think. It's nice. Sloshy sloshy brain. 1721

yeah worrying I've upset my friends with the 5 million fucking emails. I guess they're used to it by now. I'm not like some euphoric guy all the time; I'm just happy to have stability.

One thing I consciously did last night was try to involve the entire brain in the 'global flush' as I am going to call it. I tried to link up all parts of both hemispheres, which is why I leaned into something a little scary. I basically didn't shy away from anything; even the things that went against my morals. And I found out that the morals go all the way to the ground.

But yes I tried to suck all the various brain networks up into the hovering sand and then.. when I started extending awareness down the face and the sinews of the neck and moved the head just so.... global flush. Orgasmic cascade. Impossible to desribe to someone who doesn't feel logic as emotion. It was the birth of a child and the idea fell out fully formed.

I've read about it in the books. Sounded a bit silly, to be honest.

1729

should I just fuck with people?

I'll do this business I guess but do it soft. See I've always used the fire so when this ari gives me almost a week of D+1 and dvar+0.6 I couldn't not move. But now I can. Sorry if I annoyed anhone but that was kind of the point. I am trying to map out the brain states in a semi-sceintific manner, just like the buddha. I never did the dogma but for some reason I latched onto the 'mapping of he hells' or something. Then you look at Elon with his neuralink and Zuck with his metaversa and Elon with his rocket and maybe little old me with some stupid fucking ideas I cooked up in an uneducated echo chamber.

But this is the god hypothesis and I am ok with it not happening. I'm not deluded. I am trying to record everything verbatim so that we have raw data and can scrub it later.

Anyway

About the business.

I'm not wealthy, not by a long shot. I live a simple life but decided long ago that money was not going to solve my problem so stopped when I had enough. Then the dopamine latched onto something else but hey... you turn the volume up on one and you turn it up on the other. Hopefully those podcast hosts will see sense, but they are in the d-hole probably more than their listeners since their income relies on it. Good guys with good intent. Bad narrative. Just like my shrink. It must be soul crushing to be a shrink and see people get better for a while then kill themselves.

I was saying that like it's fact but obviously it isn't. Let me posit a hypothesis that my subset of audhd get much worse with stimulants, and this is why at least one of my friends killed himself. But I skip think. He is a suicide death. He does not fall into that bracket.

The dopamine death bracket covers all brackets.

All thrillseeking behaviours. All behaviours at all. The suicide itself could not be carried out without dopamine to fire the synapses to fire the gun. And you think the solution is more?

Tut.

Anyway.

My suffering was profound.

I will not go into it. It was an entire lifetime and I have intentionally blocked 90% of it out through curating the parts that will be involved in the 'global flush'. And as I write this I think what happened is I took those scared and traumatised neurones and I twisted them into something to do with fixing the dopamine narrative and fixing the world.

But I'm messing with brain states here. Trying to find a happy equilibium. Gimme a sec. Just gonna plant an acorn my eldest found the other day.

Well that felt symbolic.

Anyway. This is just a hypothesis for now but my gut is right a lot of the time and there's a scientific reason. In this situation it pushed me incredibly strongly against stimulants, despite how much I was in pain. There's a reason for that.

Anyway spaking of reasons that's why I will do the business. I don't have to do the business. Not now. I'd probably get bored but just do some art or... that sounds nice. But I need the suffering to have meaning and I don't want to dwell. I will not look back on the past life but it can maybe help some people like my friends to... stay around a little longer. We are all headed to the same place, and I know you know and I know it doesn't help in the dark places. But wouldn't it be nice if we had an extra milligram of something that made our world bearable.

202507101805

Actually don't need to sweat it. Just hop on here and offload memory occasionally. No biggie. Fuck all that business shit. Hate that shit. Ugh.

Able to be a far more genuinely loving father and husband now. It's ... the background irritation that covered everything (from the steelwool) is mostly gone and it just makes me much happier and much nicer. I hope I slep tho. Maybe I should warp in bed. That's kinda what I do with jigglyleg. Anyway. Jigglyleg. tickl tock metronome feet.

I wonder if autistic people and 'normal'... I mean.. how can my brain process logic in the emotion part if other peoples' can't? Surely they can, just to a diffeerent degree? Anyway I'm knackered.

1822

I guess one reason for the sheer quantity is to show you how it is in this head. So would you rather live with this current brain or the one 2 days ago? And the one 2 days ago was busy but now imagine that combined with ptsd. Suicidality. Motivation is not slways good. 1840

I'll make a post soon about just why therapy does not work for me. It's to do with how my language centre and emotion cetre interact and are physically connected in the brain. Wiring. If you had pushed me into therapy, I might have died. I need a neuroscientist. I think. I'm asking my friends now but they're taking a while to reply which is always stressful. Fucking dopamine latching on. Go enjoy your bath. 2842

Install

so I think it’s installing.

Woke up and hugh D but also urgency. Cold jelly.

 The jelly has congealed while I was sleep and the tinglyhands have clasped.

Now I’m a bit shevery and cold there’ll be a d-explanation.

And this data from 50 days of meditations on audhd has come throught.

And the rule are firm in my mind,

And I am exporting.

Go

202507102239

Ok churn is instatntly full from a google search. Everyone onto airplane mode. Installing. 2244

HGead spinnig and dizzy. I think the sleep deprivation is the autistic side plannin too. I think everything comes into making the brain mush so I can reprogram it. And one big step is happening tonight. I predict I'l be far more confuden in public afterward, 2249

Dreams are divrgent. What's more divergent than a dream 2251

And physhiatry works inb symptoms and norms.

Ignore them. They are wrong. 2252

a lot of my time in recruitment i was trying to save these people and now i can