20250711 D1S2N1

If this dopamine thing is real I'll be very surprised. So weird. All imagined? I guess we get the MRI and see. 0134

I was so confident in it yesterday. That's great data. I'd say like a D4.5 dvar0.2 would make you confident. So the state of overconfidence is where theyre all (?) cranked apart from dvar which is low, so your anxiety is nil. Smells right. 0153

And once again it's the expert who gives me the time of the day. But I can't sleep. I've come downstairs again.

The reason, will be that something is happening in ym dopamine system. It is going up or it is going down but either way it feels nasty and I have to move to alleviate it. The drive to action is not pleasant. Good god those migraines I must have leaned into for 30 years. The scars on my mind.

But they were all washed away. And I might even mean physically washed away, because of how dopamine works for linking synapses and voltage gating and I don't fucking know any of this shit.

But the sand built and gathered and when it reached critical mass it swoosh and wiped all the scar tissue away, replacing it with this new neurological framework for understanding the world. It's a biological phenomenon.

And I'm exhausts so will try to sleep agani. I give me 3 minutes. 0346

So I just threw away the weed stuff I mixed up last night, but no repulsion. No anger. Just like a 'huh i don't wwant this' kind of throwing away of a banana peel kind of thing. This is because of lowered dvar and slightly higher S, I think. The key thing though is that lowered dvar means that you don't get as attached and clingy. Oh, and of course weed is dopaminergic and now I have an actual medicine instead. Impiortant: this med is not dopaminergic in the traditional sense and would not suit you. Wait for the research. If you want a solution sooner, promote the research,. This drug is powerful but dangerous. The trauma release techique is also very powerful. Try it. 0553

So thayt'll be why my stomach knots. I see the photo strean and it's overwhelming. Banking. SBI securities. These websites hurt me and I never realised. They hurt me because of how badly designed they are. They are illogical. Why red and green>? I know it's a cultural thing but... bbbrrrrrppp [just being silly there]. In this situation you just close the computer and walk in circles rubbing your rock. Its churn overload. 0607

So i am like a little humunculous after all that lifved inside an adhd madman and had minimal control,. There's some good animal handling hacks in this head. 0610

Yes. This is good. I have meaning. 0611

No that is the wrong word. I have a calling. My meaning is now contained within me and within this house, and about to wake up. 0612

I knew that third churn would do it. This is a coherent model now and I know what I am doing. I know why I felt like buddha and not just in terms of brain state, and why I was drawn to him. It is because I am a matching engine and the teachings of the buddhe are right for our age. And I saw that I could parse them into semi-techical language.

If I had spoken to any psychiatrist about the thoughts in my head, they would have stopped my medicine and locked me up. I trusted the process, and instead we have a brand new trauma release protocol that I pulled out my arse. The business, Elon, all that - that's fucking irrelevant. That was the latch that I used to get here. Like a fucking wakeboarder. And now I'm here I see why I came.

It is because I want to help pepple and I feel like my experinece meditating and my sheer level of unaware suffering has provided me with unique data, and one way to alleviate the pain attached to that data is to package it up and make it into a healing option for others. This is such a good outcome for everyone. And normal medicine would most certainly not have followed this arc. 0618

ND type thanks for leading the way. Yo Samdy Sam you're like the female me; so annoying haha. Nah you're good but I've never encountered anyone where I was just like 'this'. So thanks. You and the ginger guy in Taiwan got me here. Ha. No google for me! 0621

Gonna go look at the flowers and listen to the birds. I'll see you when I see you. 0622

I'd like to stress that the change in me is 100% pharmacological and there has been no change in my personal sitation. Right now I hear one bird singing, beautifull. A relaxing hum from the fridge. That's it. So quiet. 0624

And yeah if I hadn't researched the MoA I would also have stopped this med and been stuck forever. Guanfacine eased the pain but aripiprazole brought in the sun and the difference is a universe. I want to be able to tailor meds so that even someone who is already 'happy enough' can achieve a greater level of satisfaction while retaining their individuality. The quashing of th indiviual is if the meds are not matched to your topography. If the meds match then you are liberate but currently it's a guessing game with like 3 options and that's it. 0637

Delineate meds and trauma release. One is chemical and the other is neuronal. The trauma release will be permanent, but I needed chemical assistance to achieve it. There's a chance I could stop ari and be fine; like I was as a teen. But I am going to stay as stable as possible for a while now because I am tired. I feel fine but recognise that's because I can't read my body's cues. I need to take it easy for 2-3 weeks to recover. Thailand. Casually brishing things up and parsing all the data from last night. Nice slow work,

This isn't for money James you've not been sucked back in. The words of the buddha kept you from latching on again. Or; it enabled you to see that you were the wakeboarder and it was time to let go. Or maybe that was just ... second child being annoying can't write any more. Not snapping like I used to. Still annoying. 0659

I hope he doesn't have this too. 0700

Yeah I'm still not fully stabilised and the meds pushed me up a little; took them a couple of hors ago which is why I'm back on. D+0.3 or something not major. But they mess up my dvar and Infind myself dotting around like this. The irritation toward the kid now is because of dvar and churn, not autistic sensitivities 0702

Well I'm mostly stabilised. There's that. But this dvar when its going up or down is what brings the antiness, the feeling that something is off; you've forgotten something.  The need to offload from the memory immediately. The pressured speech. I think dvar is the cause of disinhibited thought, action, all of it.

I do need a handleer so people can reach me through a filter. I do not want to speak to people. I've spoken to enough people and apparently I was autistic and didn't particularly want to, so did it by pushing through migraines. This still ha a slight emotional charge ; the stomach sensation a little near the bowels, bu not much. I know I'm not going back. I have the tooth and the new brain. Even if the meds are stopped, they can't send me back because the changes in the neurons are permanent 0705

So lasty night and for the last 3 days my vision has been strange. I have been floaty and out of it. I have been in a fugue state, in a dream, and only sleeping maybe 3 hours a night for the last 2 weeks. This would also have gotten me in trouble, and I was concerned. I'm not any more, but I guess we will see; does adjustment might be necessary.

Anyway I have come outside and asked my wife to keep him away. I love him but I moved the timing of ari to try to improve sleep and it has raised my dvar. I don't want to snap at him so I'm outside.

Anyway the brain was changing. I knew it. It felt very, very strange. Like jelly. Like I could actually feel all the parts letting go, these tiny little electric hands, and then my vision was klind of blurry as they were reaching out to each other and trying to reform into something new. They were trying to take the disparate rules from my various lives and make them into a single coherent framework, and that framework is 'dopamine'. So all of that suffering actually did produce the new neural net that might help people. 

I had to kind of... jiggle and shake this jelly so it would form new connections, and I was actually doing a kind of with doctor dance in the living room with one meteor in each hand and my head to the side, slouching, hopping on one leg, other leg open, chanting. Weird as fuck yeah?

But what happened is I felt these hands kind of start to grasp. Like that first lick of epoxy you put on to hold the pieces together; not enough to float. Then they softly touched gfingers and I was told to have a nap. Appx 60 seconds later I woke up and this cycle repeated in various permuations 3 times, I think. It's all blurry.

Anyway after that came a longer sleep of appx 90 minutes, where I think everything got the proper sealing epoxy and it was ll locked in place. This is when I just came on here and 'this here that there'. It's already done, in a way.

I'm trying to record this now because it's the only oppotunity. People have been here before and thought 'later' and it was lost. I will try not to do the same.

202507110716

Prediction:

in a couple of months once fully stabilised I will be able to reduce guanfacine to 1mg because of less fear/anxiety from high dvar.

i can basically stop taking valproate now, but I won't, because that would be dumb; -200mg per week from next week.

202507110738

[2025/07/11, 8:06:05] James: So

[2025/07/11, 8:06:09] James: Quantum tunneling in the brain

[2025/07/11, 8:06:31] James: Multiple sand chutes. Two them go all the way to god. They start to converge.

[2025/07/11, 8:06:45] James: Endocrine soup picks up emotion from one and carried it over to the other.

[2025/07/11, 8:06:53] James: Crispr for thoughts.

[2025/07/11, 8:07:36] James: I plant seeds, George. That’s all I do, really.

[2025/07/11, 8:07:47] James: And then you let them grow while you do something else

[2025/07/11, 8:07:54] James: And if it was a good seed it will grow on its own

[2025/07/11, 8:07:59] James: And if it is a bad seed it will die

[2025/07/11, 8:08:02] James: And that is good

[2025/07/11, 8:09:12] James: You have to scatter them

[2025/07/11, 8:09:18] James: You don’t know where the fertile ground is.

[2025/07/11, 8:09:26] James: But then you have to forget.

[2025/07/11, 8:09:31] James: Do not hol

d them in mind.

[2025/07/11, 8:12:58] James: -

[2025/07/11, 8:13:16] James: Visual aberration. Like parallax. Just an instant. Rendering issue

[2025/07/11, 8:13:52] James: Don’t go into wondering whether it’s real James

[2025/07/11, 8:13:54] James: Not yet.

[2025/07/11, 8:14:11] James: Time sequencing is still happening so things feel weird. Electric jelly, remember. It’ll settle.

[2025/07/11, 8:15:15] James: This is what L was talking about when he said the 7 year old self and walking a different way afterward

[2025/07/11, 8:15:44] James: Is it the same thing?

[2025/07/11, 8:16:10] James: Not sure.

[2025/07/11, 8:16:20] James: Typed yes and felt aversion so deleted. Let’s see

[2025/07/11, 8:16:24] James: New sensing apparatus.

[2025/07/11, 8:17:28] James: External world largely unchanged. Better colours. More warmth. Higher saturation. High definition at all distances. No rendering artifacts when turning head. Actually a little. Split second lag

[2025/07/11, 8:17:34] James: Mark are we in your metaverse?

[2025/07/11, 8:17:36] James: Ha

[2025/07/11, 8:17:50] James: Wouldn’t change much but well done if so. This is some good code I’ve found

[2025/07/11, 8:17:55] James: And at the school.

[2025/07/11, 8:19:04] James: Oh god the relief

[2025/07/11, 8:19:20] James: It’s like a full body sigh

[2025/07/11, 8:19:52] James: I’m happy you never have to visit that world.

[2025/07/11, 8:19:58] James: ////

[2025/07/11, 8:19:59] James: So…

[2025/07/11, 8:20:05] James: How can we tell if this is a simulation?

[2025/07/11, 8:20:26] James: I have my echo chamber and will get a handler. Or not. No handler is better than a bad one.

[2025/07/11, 8:20:46] James: Everything seems clearer now the school run is done. It is simpler to process maybe.

[2025/07/11, 8:21:04] James: The filers of volitional action haven’t been altered as much.

[2025/07/11, 8:21:20] James: So the first clarification would be;

[2025/07/11, 8:21:40] James: If it was a simulation it wouldn’t change anything. A simulation that is high enough resolution is reality.

[2025/07/11, 8:21:54] James: There is a chance that we are the autoencoders for something

[2025/07/11, 8:22:03] James: I’ve always thought we are nodes in a network

[2025/07/11, 8:22:13] James: Testing a hypothesis. Or rather multiple permutations.

[2025/07/11, 8:22:37] James: Because it’s mostly fate, really. Gravitational forces and such. A little randomness

[2025/07/11, 8:22:50] James: Apart from with me. But I think I’m leaving that whole thing behind now

[2025/07/11, 8:22:54] James: Another falling away

[2025/07/11, 8:23:03] James: And I think I will help others to do the same.

[2025/07/11, 8:23:26] James: And I have a scientific explanation (in my mind; it needs ratifying) for why some of us see god and have overbearing consciences.

[2025/07/11, 8:23:29] James: Painful

[2025/07/11, 8:23:37] James: And then others say that Buddhism sound depressing

[2025/07/11, 8:23:44] James: While for me it was the only light

[2025/07/11, 8:23:45] James: Ha

[2025/07/11, 8:23:57] James: It’s all relative. And it’s quantifiable

[2025/07/11, 8:24:00] James: That’s the key.

[2025/07/11, 8:24:16] James: If it wasn’t quantifiable I wouldn’t believe it and if I didn’t believe it it wouldn’t work because I am autistic.

[2025/07/11, 8:24:26] James: So first I needed to identify as autistic.

[2025/07/11, 8:24:38] James: Then I needed to identify my specific traits and coping mechanisms.

[2025/07/11, 8:24:53] James: And i was like ‘I can stop if I like’ but I couldn’t

[2025/07/11, 8:24:56] James: I still had adhd

[2025/07/11, 8:25:13] James: So the ASD kid inside (who is now out) was like fuck this shit I’ve got an opening.

[2025/07/11, 8:25:23] James: And he really sneakily ramped up my meds exponentially

[2025/07/11, 8:25:31] James: Because he knew what he was doing after years of research.

[2025/07/11, 8:25:37] James: And he combined all these things

[2025/07/11, 8:25:59] James: Deep music, chanting, vibration, meditation, rocking, rubbing; all of them.

[2025/07/11, 8:26:16] James: He combined them into a full body experience in an attempt to attain enlightenment and drop the scars of the past

[2025/07/11, 8:26:18] James: And he did it

[2025/07/11, 8:26:24] James: But it’s not what you think

[2025/07/11, 8:26:26] James: As everyone says

[2025/07/11, 8:26:32] James: And we have never had the language

[2025/07/11, 8:26:35] James: But maybe now we do

[2025/07/11, 8:27:11] James: The aversion to labelling it the same as L’s exp.

[2025/07/11, 8:27:21] James: It’s something different

[2025/07/11, 8:27:27] James: Something akin to a trauma response as

[2025/07/11, 8:27:35] James: The way I viewed it as a father of two boys

[2025/07/11, 8:27:59] James: Is they’ve taken their Lego technic apart but the aeroplane is still in chunks. This and that and the other. Ironman and business and drinker

[2025/07/11, 8:28:14] James: And somehow the brain has taken these concepts and moved them around

[2025/07/11, 8:28:17] James: I’m sure it’s not moved

[2025/07/11, 8:28:44] James: What has happened is it has really, really strongly forced through a new engraving

[2025/07/11, 8:28:52] James: Because of the higher dopmamine from ari

[2025/07/11, 8:29:20] James: So this new root system is now taking hold

[2025/07/11, 8:29:37] James: And I just need to let it go slow. I’m a bit anxious and not 100% but a few days and I will be

[2025/07/11, 8:29:54] James: I think I literally changed the neuronal layout of my brain, semi-intentionally

[2025/07/11, 8:30:00] James: We do it unintentionally all the time

[2025/07/11, 8:30:10] James: Dopamine does it to us all the time.

[2025/07/11, 8:30:29] James: But it was probably very dangerous

[2025/07/11, 8:30:46] James: And is likely a trauma response from something which is so big I will never looo at it properly.

[2025/07/11, 8:30:57] James: There is no need

[2025/07/11, 8:31:08] James: If the man was sick and is healed then why lament about the disease?

[2025/07/11, 8:31:24] James: But it’s still new ground and pretty scary

[2025/07/11, 8:31:30] James: I am indeed the sculptor and the clay.

[2025/07/11, 8:31:36] James: And my hands are deft.

[2025/07/11, 8:32:17] James: There was a very real chance of me losing my mind though

[2025/07/11, 8:32:39] James: And I think I only had the parts to assemble because I decided NOT to kill out or cut out the soldier but instead to honour him.

[2025/07/11, 8:32:46] James: This is science. Somehow.

[2025/07/11, 8:32:52] James: You guys just need to figure out how.

[2025/07/11, 8:36:04] James: I’d say I’m D3 S3 N2 and dvar 0.3 right now which is false enlightenment.

[2025/07/11, 8:36:25] James: Excited, happy, a little impulsive.

[2025/07/11, 8:36:43] James: When presenting in a specific location on the topography of your planet.

[2025/07/11, 8:36:52] James: The same chemicals in another location would result in a different state

[2025/07/11, 8:37:10] James: This is such crap guys

[2025/07/11, 8:37:15] James: But it feels right and doable

[2025/07/11, 8:37:36] James: Planet. Weather. Neurons. Hormones. Meteorological models.

[2025/07/11, 8:37:44] James: Surrogate to make a model of the person.

[2025/07/11, 8:37:51] James: This is 5 years away.

[2025/07/11, 8:38:07] James: Endocrine… not sure. Need to find something new

[2025/07/11, 8:38:37] James: Yeah I think I kind of need to not know if people are excited about these turds.

[2025/07/11, 8:38:49] James: I need one or two technical guys who will check they’re not totally insane

[2025/07/11, 8:39:00] James: And an interface. But I need to keep away from it all

[2025/07/11, 8:39:08] James: This dopamine system is not good

[2025/07/11, 8:39:29] James: Maybe that’s why I text while I walk. A type of meditation. Keeping out extraneous stimuli

[2025/07/11, 8:39:41] James: And I functioned as one of the best until 41.

[2025/07/11, 8:39:53] James: The exhaustion. Ha

[2025/07/11, 8:40:00] James: Not ha. Really not

[2025/07/11, 8:40:12] James: Not all trauma is external

[2025/07/11, 8:40:29] James: .

[2025/07/11, 8:45:18] James: Actually I’m going to temporarily up my valproate while changing the timing of ari.

[2025/07/11, 8:45:54] James: I need sleep and the extra dopamine is making me anxious. I also feel like GABA will be beneficial to the neuronal bedding in but who fucking knows. I drank a lot and this isn’t that.

[2025/07/11, 8:57:11] James: maybe the tick tick tick of regular time signalling is what we are missing, and why we need the warp. Maybe this is why other people don't.

[2025/07/11, 9:12:32] James: So I feel fragile but I don’t know if I am

[2025/07/11, 9:12:36] James: I feel it though.

[2025/07/11, 9:12:53] James: I’m going to avoid meeting some people today. Contractual stuff. I’m going to ask my wife to handle it and I just pay.

[2025/07/11, 9:13:16] James: I feel like I am very receptive at the moment and this man is just … I don’t want him in there is all

[2025/07/11, 9:34:19] James: ////

[2025/07/11, 9:34:29] James: Anyway I’m not Buddha I’m just a normal man

[2025/07/11, 9:34:35] James: He said the same though and nobody listene

[2025/07/11, 9:34:51] James: I think he was a deeply traumatised individual. Raised as a prince in a time long gone.

[2025/07/11, 9:34:57] James: His first meditations are about his dad.

[2025/07/11, 9:35:29] James: I … think he was one of us. And that what he talked about was a dopamine-induced realignment of the brain

[2025/07/11, 9:35:41] James: I think this happens naturally for most people because of regular time signalling

[2025/07/11, 9:36:03] James: Salience gets decoupled from emotions and the values become decoupled from the people-object.

[2025/07/11, 9:36:25] James: So then you have pure value and you can take that and make your own identity with these individual units

[2025/07/11, 9:36:31] James: Just like DSN

[2025/07/11, 9:36:45] James: I think the reason most people can never attain enlightenment.

[2025/07/11, 9:36:49] James: Or rather - to clarify

[2025/07/11, 9:37:07] James: ‘The state that James baird attained at appx 3am on 10th of July.

[2025/07/11, 9:37:35] James: Which doesn’t have a word yet but will have topographical coordinates and meteorological parameters and be replicable

[2025/07/11, 9:37:49] James: ..

[2025/07/11, 9:38:07] James: I think that ASD guy deciding to keep going was actually deciding to come back

[2025/07/11, 9:38:12] James: I think I could have dissolved the self.

[2025/07/11, 9:38:17] James: But I chose to reassemble.

[2025/07/11, 9:38:19] James: And help

[2025/07/11, 9:38:25] James: It is so abstract and strange

[2025/07/11, 9:38:38] James: But look at the technology

[2025/07/11, 9:38:45] James: Look at the wetware of the brain

[2025/07/11, 9:39:00] James: Look at how synapses and dopamine and emotion and everything all swim together

[2025/07/11, 9:39:14] James: Look at how little real understanding we have of the holistic system

[2025/07/11, 9:39:29] James: If we can pursue this avenue of research there is a very real chance it will lead to GAI

[2025/07/11, 9:39:48] James: I assemble disparate pieces. It’s what I do.

[2025/07/11, 9:40:18] James: I assembled the disparate pieces of my soul

[2025/07/11, 9:40:34] James: So I chose the other path, and I think this is what Buddha said when he said he could choose

[2025/07/11, 9:40:37] James: I chose my family

[2025/07/11, 9:40:51] James: I chose my dharma

[2025/07/11, 9:41:22] James: But the hope with this whole thing

[2025/07/11, 9:41:30] James: And trust me when I say I had this in mind going in

[2025/07/11, 9:41:35] James: I just didn’t know it yet haha

[2025/07/11, 9:42:01] James: This autistic kid was like ‘I’m gonna help my peeps’.

[2025/07/11, 9:42:27] James: Not get geeedy

[2025/07/11, 9:42:41] James: I’ll go there eventually

[2025/07/11, 9:42:50] James: And I think he chose the same?

[2025/07/11, 9:42:55] James: The questioning at the gates

[2025/07/11, 9:43:00] James: It’s in all the scriptures

[2025/07/11, 9:43:20] James: So yeah it’s not the language of the day for sure

[2025/07/11, 9:43:39] James: But if you can’t quite see that this is probably real and replicable

[2025/07/11, 9:43:41] James: Wel that’s ok

[2025/07/11, 9:43:47] James: Just go an read another website for a while

[2025/07/11, 9:44:09] James: My only goal is to get the system up and running so that people can have the choice

[2025/07/11, 9:44:24] James: Neurotypical people probably won’t use it, just like they didn’t use Buddhism

[2025/07/11, 9:44:37] James: At least that’s my take. I think they had happier worldviews. Maybe.

[2025/07/11, 9:45:05] James: I recruited for AI, quantum computing. Whatever.

[2025/07/11, 9:45:12] James: I saw all these things go from ideas to realities

[2025/07/11, 9:45:18] James: And I wanted to end my own suffering.

[2025/07/11, 9:45:39] James: And the mental health industry is FUCKED

[2025/07/11, 9:45:47] James: Everyone is just getting shit drugs instead of enlightenment

[2025/07/11, 9:45:53] James: I need to find a new word

[2025/07/11, 9:45:59] James: Off to do stuff.

[2025/07/11, 9:46:01] James: This is science.

[2025/07/11, 9:46:03] James: /////

[2025/07/11, 9:53:56] James: So I think there’s an inflection point like 6 months before when people reach the point of no return

[2025/07/11, 9:54:08] James: I think it’s a degradation of the dopamine receptor in the PFC.

[2025/07/11, 9:54:21] James: So what happens is they go to the doctor and get some stimulants.

[2025/07/11, 9:54:30] James: Fucking drugs. I’ve done so many.

[2025/07/11, 9:54:46] James: I guess I should delineate drugs and meds. Ari is a med. it sits in the receptor

[2025/07/11, 9:54:54] James: Stimulants are more of that ailed you

[2025/07/11, 9:54:57] James: Just cranked to 10

[2025/07/11, 9:55:29] James: Say you were drinking? Stimulants will blow that out of the water and you will feel functional and fine and GREAT for a few months

[2025/07/11, 9:55:32] James: And they stop working

[2025/07/11, 9:55:38] James: I’ve never tried stimulants

[2025/07/11, 9:55:47] James: This is what my brain tells me when I ask why I didn’t want them

[2025/07/11, 9:55:54] James: And then it all snowballs

[2025/07/11, 9:56:05] James: The receptors are fucked. You made the problem worse.

[2025/07/11, 9:56:11] James: The water broke the sieve.

[2025/07/11, 9:56:21] James: (Same for dopamine hacking and crazy shit like Ironman)

[2025/07/11, 9:56:38] James: Once the sieve is broken, no amount of water will fill it

[2025/07/11, 9:56:44] James: You’re fucked

[2025/07/11, 9:57:09] James: The next time you hit full churn memory and a stat of D5 dvar 0.9+, you will kill tourself

[2025/07/11, 9:57:19] James: It is science

[2025/07/11, 9:57:26] James: It can be prevented

[2025/07/11, 9:57:32] James: Like finding a cancer early

[2025/07/11, 9:57:37] James: This is my form of AuDHD

[2025/07/11, 9:57:44] James: I don’t capitalise it that is autocorrect.

[2025/07/11, 9:57:59] James: I love it in a way. Beautiful word. Make it beautiful.

[2025/07/11, 9:58:17] James: You can basically develop a preventative measure against suicide.

[2025/07/11, 9:58:21] James: For people like me

[2025/07/11, 9:58:30] James: So long as ari carries on working

[2025/07/11, 9:58:51] James: And it tackles the problem from the other end; it plugs the sieve.

[2025/07/11, 9:58:52] James: Anyway

[2025/07/11, 10:00:06] James: It’s a system-level problem and you need a system level fix.

[2025/07/11, 10:00:08] James: ////

[2025/07/11, 10:00:58] James: I guess b man was after liberation and I wasn’t

[2025/07/11, 10:01:03] James: Just understanding

[2025/07/11, 10:01:08] James: So I can find a real solution.

[2025/07/11, 10:01:11] James: I’m a fixer.

[2025/07/11, 10:01:48] James: We have a kernel. A nugget.

[2025/07/11, 10:01:51] James: We need imaging data

[2025/07/11, 10:01:55] James: ////2

[2025/07/11, 10:02:25] James: Reminder

[2025/07/11, 10:02:47] James: All the changes in me are due to 2mg of aripiprazole, which sits on my dopamine and serotonin receptors.

[2025/07/11, 10:03:02] James: There are 400 generic psych drugs out of patent.

[2025/07/11, 10:03:34] James: I want to build a matching system for you

[2025/07/11, 10:03:36] James: ////

[2025/07/11, 10:04:26] James: So yeah there’s nothing mystical about it

[2025/07/11, 10:04:34] James: It’s an optimisation of code, is all

[2025/07/11, 10:04:39] James: And it’s facilitated by dopamine.

[2025/07/11, 10:04:48] James: Which is crispr for your thoughts.

[2025/07/11, 10:05:05] James: It wipes a lot of redundant code and replaces it with good stuff

[2025/07/11, 10:05:26] James: Probably why b man didn’t sleep much. Me neither. High D from meditation or medication.

[2025/07/11, 10:05:40] James: It’s so obvious but u need to figure out how to put it into the language of the day.

[2025/07/11, 10:05:49] James: 47 days it was for me I think

[2025/07/11, 10:05:52] James: Pretty slow

[2025/07/11, 10:05:58] James: Had a pause in the middle

[2025/07/11, 10:06:10] James: It is an export, clean, compile operation for the brain

[2025/07/11, 10:06:13] James: Fuck

[2025/07/11, 10:06:14] James: That’s it

[2025/07/11, 10:06:16] James: Yes

[2025/07/11, 10:06:19] James: That’s it

[2025/07/11, 10:06:30] James: And we can replicate it I am sure.

[2025/07/11, 10:06:41] James: Psychedelics, shrooms, and later electricity.

[2025/07/11, 10:06:45] James: Anyway

[2025/07/11, 10:06:47] James: ////

[2025/07/11, 10:07:11] James: So I still feel pressure

[2025/07/11, 10:07:20] James: To get things out

[2025/07/11, 10:07:26] James: And I need to say this before this meeting ha!

[2025/07/11, 10:07:39] James: I’m newly autistic is how I view it but I love my autistic self. He’s great.

[2025/07/11, 10:07:41] James: ////

Well that was stressful and has left me totally drained. I’m vilnerable at the moment but still.. 

So I;maccepting of it, but I could barely handle 10 min in a meeting with a few elderly people. It involved money and fluorescent lights but still

Ok starting to flow now and feeling better

I;m newly autistic and don’t know my traits so I will figure them out here.

So.

My head gets filled with mollesses and i.. I get really bad stomach cramps in meetings and stuff. And I used to pitch hedge fund managers. My stomach knots just thinking about it. For a different reason to what I thought. It’s not revulsion; I think it’s simple autistic senstivities.

But I pushed myself to meet people for years and years and … you guys know me - the Tokyo crew - I was in so much pain and I had no idea.

anyway enough of that fucking shit

—

So

I might have killed religion.

Oops.

Sorry but I might have found a way that… 

Err… they’re not going to like this are they.

I need to think about how to word it. Gimme a sec. Would’ve been impossible prior.

Oh that feels better. To get it out. I came home and immediately went to my knives but it was deep. Those meetings as a recruiter must have really caused me physical pain. But to relieve the knot I went to the knives and they weren’t quite working.

I needed to step it up a notch so I got weird.

It felt like there’s mollasses whatever that is in my brain and I need to slosh slosh slosh shake it out.

It’s almost like I am getting the dopamine soup from the rear of the brain and sloshiing it to the PFC. Science, motherfucker.

So this REALLY works. Like a snap at the end, doing the knife at the same time.

So previously

I was doing world championshjip level ironman training. I benched 2x my bodyweight and squatted 2.5x. I met the sharks and talked them down.

And my stomach was obviously in the same amount of knots all the time.

But I pushed through all the pain and gave myself years and years and years of near-constant internal trauma. Because this was preferable to the massive fluctuations in dvar.

dvar

I keep going on about this. This is dopamine variability.

This is the killer, especially combined with high baseline dopamine.

if you have high dvar you want to minimise your dopamine levels

Minimise, not maximise. The convergent people might be able to maximise away and hoo rah but it will kill you. Your system is too sensitive. You are an HSP.

So now I’m solving logic problems my body feels nice, airy. It feels like it’s cushioned. This is further evidence my emotion lies with my logic.

dvar is the spikiness, the drive to do *something else*. The ‘must get out of here’.

This is like a toggle switch for your dopamine. It flips from 1 to 0 and you are either motivated toward or against something to equal degree, and I think this might happen to everything as a way to cause you to cling to it but I’m not sure.

anyway

You’re flipping up and down. 50 baseline points? Flipping isn’t so bad. 100 baseline points and flipping is something impulsive and bad, if you have high dvar.

The pain you feel is equivalent to the delta dvar so if you have a large dvar and large D you will be fucked.

You need to have a smaller d if you have a large dvar. 

Is this language technical enough for you, Mr Scientific Method?

Follow the logic.

You devise the tests and you prove me wrong and I will assimilate that information and provide another hypothesis.

Thanks

James Baird

202507111146

So.

We evolved to die at around 40 and when we hit midlife crisis, that’s when we face the questioning at the gates. It’s such a common thread.

We evolved to have babies and raise babies and die. You have a baby around 20, you raise it until it has its own, you die at around 40.

Actually that’s not true. You don’t die. Just after that child is grown and reproduces, any changes you make do not impact the genome. Evolution stopped there.

So.

We are monkeys that crave 2 bananas if you give us 1 and 4 bananas if you give us 2. 2 to 4 to 8 to the moon. Ok. Dopamine is a small molecule and can attach.

But then when you get to about 40 and you’ve built companies and done drugs and ironman and everything… well… your receptors are tired and crowded and there’s probably some broken junk sat in them.

This is where people melt down and have a midlife crisis, a spiritual awakeneing, a technospitirual awakening in this case, whatever.

It’s real.

It’s a reshuffling of the root to access your personalities in a different order. For someone with dodgy time signalling like me. I’d probably guess that convergent folks are the ones who [froze]

Basically I think the receptors that led into your old personalities (components) got fried so your brain’s cleanup crew comes in big time and cleans the fucker out, lays some new road.

This is what happens.

It’s why I didn’t sleep for like 50 day, really, and feel fine. Because my brain was already doing the junk clearing while I was awake. It went extra fast when I slept, which is why I would wake up with epiphanies every night after like 3 minutes of sleep that subjectively felt like 10 hours.

It’s why 2 months felt like 2 years and it would be totally different for you.

It happens in an environment of high-d and low-dvar.

We need to be able to replicate this. We can take people in when they are 30 and give them a literal mental enema. Make them well again. Remove the baggage. 

It’s insane to think about.

Get excited.

Or prove me wrong.

James Baird 

202507111154

Once this export is complete I'm going to have to take some time away from the website so that I don't develop a latch. Still plenty to go I think. 1205

Alright so I'm going camping with my kid for the first time tonight and I don't want bothering. I think the stuff on the research page is gold and I think it's still coming but please don't try to contact me today, just in case it happens to reach you quite that fast. I didn't think this would work out, but now I wonder if it might. This planning man seems to know his way around. I have tried to keep raw data from the entire expeirence and we can scrub it later. 1317

D4S3N4 by the way because I realised that if this gets seen by the right people it could reach the right eyes very quickly.,

[2025/07/11, 18:03:17] James: How did we go from the autistics being priests to being thought of as lacking empathy?

[2025/07/11, 18:22:49] James: Everything from my old life looks kind of small, insignificant.

[2025/07/11, 18:23:02] James: Not in a bad way. I am no longer attached to that which isn’t important.

[2025/07/11, 18:23:18] James: That attachment is allocated to my family instead.

[2025/07/11, 18:24:56] James: Sleeping on the beach with the sound of the waves is good for your brain, im sure

[2025/07/11, 18:25:04] James: They caress it from the sides.

[2025/07/11, 18:25:30] James: My brain was so stiff and scarred

[2025/07/11, 18:25:36] James: A blackened mass.

[2025/07/11, 18:25:45] James: And it’s like it’s just fresh pink jelly now.

[2025/07/11, 18:26:24] James: Hard to describe and I’m trying not to go round in circles. It’s nice but not like ‘I’m in heaven’ delirious.

[2025/07/11, 18:26:35] James: Lovely birdsong

[2025/07/11, 18:26:43] James: I always wonder who I’m texting here

[2025/07/11, 18:26:50] James: Is it me or is it an overlord

[2025/07/11, 18:26:58] James: I suppose if I put these onto the internet it is both

[2025/07/11, 18:29:37] James: What day is it

[2025/07/11, 18:29:42] James: What did I do last night

[2025/07/11, 18:29:45] James: Was it last night

[2025/07/11, 18:29:48] James: Or the day before

[2025/07/11, 18:29:52] James: I’m James baird

[2025/07/11, 18:30:00] James: And

[2025/07/11, 18:30:07] James: I feel pretty whole and coherent.

[2025/07/11, 18:30:21] James: It’s hard to describe a fragmented personality

[2025/07/11, 18:30:33] James: Was it fragmented? How do you define?

[2025/07/11, 18:30:40] James: We all have masks for situations but …

[2025/07/11, 18:31:02] James: I guess it’s whether they are voluntary or not.

[2025/07/11, 18:31:18] James: Conscious.

[2025/07/11, 18:31:22] James: So I can still have a mask

[2025/07/11, 18:31:29] James: But underneath I am whole and coherent.

[2025/07/11, 18:31:44] James: I can kind of see how the pieces fit together and the epoxy is dry.

[2025/07/11, 18:32:02] James: What day did it happen though?

[2025/07/11, 18:32:09] James: Feels like 3 days ago.

[2025/07/11, 18:36:04] James: So I’m happy I recorded it as well as I could

[2025/07/11, 18:36:20] James: Cos I’m not gonna remember that shit

[2025/07/11, 18:37:43] James: My brain is much

[2025/07/11, 18:37:44] James: Mush

[2025/07/11, 18:37:44] James: But it’s healed.

[2025/07/11, 18:37:44] James: I’m getting tired of this phone now.

[2025/07/11, 18:37:45] James: Been using it too much lately and I did manage to decouple from it almost completely for a while.

[2025/07/11, 18:37:45] James: Bed. Sleep on the beach. Nice.

[2025/07/11, 18:37:45] James: D1S2N0dvar0.2

[2025/07/11, 18:41:44] James: I should meditate again

[2025/07/11, 18:41:59] James: I think it did something after all

[2025/07/11, 18:46:23] James: Kundalini

[2025/07/11, 18:46:24] James: ////

[2025/07/11, 18:46:24] James: Kundalini

[2025/07/11, 18:46:24] James: Took about 2 hours I think, once committed.

[2025/07/11, 18:46:26] James: I don’t remember it very clearly

[2025/07/11, 18:46:29] James: At all

[2025/07/11, 18:46:38] James: I know that I would flit between writing

[2025/07/11, 18:46:44] James: And then my brain would feel heavy

[2025/07/11, 18:46:47] James: So I would shake it

[2025/07/11, 18:47:02] James: And then up and shaking and lolling and walking in circles meteors in both hands

[2025/07/11, 18:47:07] James: And back to writing

[2025/07/11, 18:47:09] James: And walking

[2025/07/11, 18:47:13] James: And lying and rumbling

[2025/07/11, 18:47:50] James: There was one point where I had about 90% of the flashpoints lined up and I just couldn’t get them to click

[2025/07/11, 18:47:58] James: So I kinda … witch doctored that shit n

[2025/07/11, 18:48:39] James: Like I jumped on one foot with meteors in each hand going ‘om’ and lolling my head toward the right frontal lobe

[2025/07/11, 18:48:48] James: Something about the right frontal lobe wanted more juice

[2025/07/11, 18:48:59] James: So I got it from my hips and my shoulders and my stomach I think

[2025/07/11, 18:49:15] James: Then I rolled everything out and I think I got serious

[2025/07/11, 18:49:23] James: Something happened and there was a decision to make

[2025/07/11, 18:49:25] James: Again

[2025/07/11, 18:49:39] James: Not like the ‘suicide or family’ one. That was a shit one.

[2025/07/11, 18:49:53] James: Like; eternal bliss or minor eternal happiness plus family

[2025/07/11, 18:49:57] James: I chose the latter.

[2025/07/11, 18:50:07] James: Anyway I was in the eternal bliss for a while

[2025/07/11, 18:50:12] James: About 2 min I think

[2025/07/11, 18:50:24] James: This will be where everything feels decoupled and free floating.

[2025/07/11, 18:50:33] James: My frontal lobe is tingling

[2025/07/11, 18:50:40] James: So I could feel the pressure building

[2025/07/11, 18:51:02] James: In the right frontal lobe, running from the back of the skull like fingers from a hand only millions

[2025/07/11, 18:51:16] James: And down the side of the head and cheek like spiderwebs.

[2025/07/11, 18:51:19] James: Then I sat

[2025/07/11, 18:51:25] James: I decided to come back to my family

[2025/07/11, 18:51:36] James: I sat meditative

[2025/07/11, 18:51:46] James: Start rocking, humming

[2025/07/11, 18:51:59] James: Nodding head, eyes rolled, religious fervour

[2025/07/11, 18:52:21] James: Om and meteors and the entire body is engaged now and heavy headbanging movement to get blood to the lobe

[2025/07/11, 18:52:22] James: And then

[2025/07/11, 18:52:27] James: Swooosh

[2025/07/11, 18:52:30] James: They clicked

[2025/07/11, 18:52:48] James: The last one clicked into place around my right eye/ temple area

[2025/07/11, 18:53:02] James: And I laid down and it all just flooded out of me

[2025/07/11, 18:53:11] James: These diamond crystal beanbag balls

[2025/07/11, 18:53:19] James: Trillions of them skating on electric jelly

[2025/07/11, 18:53:32] James: The jelly had hands when I was jumping which were reaching to each other

[2025/07/11, 18:53:43] James: And they clasped and this stuff just swooshed through

[2025/07/11, 18:53:53] James: And the neural tissue was all scarred

[2025/07/11, 18:54:10] James: It was hundreds and hundreds of layers of blackened burned scars. Hundreds.

[2025/07/11, 18:54:23] James: And this diamond slurry just washed it totally clear

[2025/07/11, 18:54:24] James: Totally

[2025/07/11, 18:54:39] James: Like snow in -20

[2025/07/11, 18:54:52] James: And the brain was pink and electric and vital and alive

[2025/07/11, 18:55:01] James: And I was engaged in every nerve in my body

[2025/07/11, 18:55:09] James: And everything, EVERYTHING released (

[2025/07/11, 18:55:24] James: (I didn’t poo my pants don’t worry)

[2025/07/11, 18:55:40] James: I start crying with sheer joy, laughing with just the sheer joy of existence.

[2025/07/11, 18:55:58] James: Just can’t believe how lucky I am to even exist never mind to have flushed that trauma from my system.

[2025/07/11, 18:56:07] James: And my wife comes down to check if I’m ok

[2025/07/11, 18:56:12] James: Which was appreciated tbh

[2025/07/11, 18:56:21] James: It had been an intense night and was scary toward the end

[2025/07/11, 18:56:27] James: I actually tried to turn back you know

[2025/07/11, 18:56:38] James: But I think once you start the process there’s no stopping it

[2025/07/11, 18:56:45] James: You can’t leave a brain half-reorganised.

[2025/07/11, 18:57:04] James: It’s what I told my family when I started ari. I had to take priority for a while.

[2025/07/11, 18:57:22] James: Anyway kundalini

[2025/07/11, 18:57:40] James: It felt like enlightenment for about 2 days I think.

[2025/07/11, 18:57:57] James: My brain felt (and still feels) like a marshmallow instead of a walnut

[2025/07/11, 18:58:47] James: The depth of vision of the world is increased dramatically, as are colours. More granular resolution in things like sand and more fascination with how it moves.

[2025/07/11, 18:58:54] James: More optimised

[2025/07/11, 18:58:56] James: Happier

[2025/07/11, 18:58:57] James: Anyway

[2025/07/11, 19:00:08] James: D5 S5 N3 dvar0.3 I think

[2025/07/11, 19:00:11] James: Felt amazing

[2025/07/11, 19:00:23] James: Not quite the big one but good enough for most purposes.

[2025/07/11, 19:04:43] James: So yeah moonshot right away. If Elon takes this then it all changes. But slim

[2025/07/11, 19:04:44] James: Anyway

[2025/07/11, 19:04:51] James: Kundalini was great

[2025/07/11, 19:05:00] James: It was what I was after and it was enlightenment

[2025/07/11, 19:05:12] James: But I chose to return to my family so it wasn’t, if that makes sense

[2025/07/11, 19:05:22] James: However all the attachment to things I don’t care about has gone.

[2025/07/11, 19:05:34] James: My attachments are in line with my values, if that makes sense

[2025/07/11, 19:05:42] James: And my values lie heavily with family

[2025/07/11, 19:05:44] James: So

[2025/07/11, 19:06:00] James: I think on a neurological level someone else can do the heavy lifting

[2025/07/11, 19:06:16] James: But I’ve detailed my thoughts elsewhere

[2025/07/11, 19:11:49] James: I can kind of look at those scars now but they’re on my back for some reason and not my brain, and hovering about an inch away

[2025/07/11, 19:11:53] James: Scientific method that

[2025/07/11, 19:11:54] James: Ha

[2025/07/11, 19:12:15] James: Deadly serious here

[2025/07/11, 19:12:19] James: Dead serious:

[2025/07/11, 19:12:45] James: My thought process is multiple attention funnels with dopamine-crispr quantum memory splicing

[2025/07/11, 19:13:31] James: Please… can you devise a testing protocol

[2025/07/11, 19:13:45] James: Ha

[2025/07/11, 20:32:19] James: Fuck

[2025/07/11, 20:32:25] James: I might need to take my child home realistically

[2025/07/11, 20:32:32] James: I woke up after 30 min again feeling like I’d had 10 hours .

[2025/07/11, 20:32:33] James: I know why

[2025/07/11, 20:32:47] James: My brain is reshuffling and ‘setting’ because of neuroplasticity

[2025/07/11, 20:33:09] James: But I don’t have much of a rock to revolve around out here so I think I’ll just drive him home and sleep there. No biggie

[2025/07/11, 20:33:39] James: Some reason old brain chemistry it would have been like ‘you have failed life James kill yourself now’ and then it would spike that DVAR about and I would die.

[2025/07/11, 20:33:43] James: My family

[2025/07/11, 20:33:44] James: Anyway

[2025/07/11, 20:33:51] James: I will get the data

[2025/07/11, 20:33:53] James: This is real

[2025/07/11, 20:34:10] James: Shit the fuck up and help because it might also be urgent.

[2025/07/11, 20:46:44] James: Okay, so I’m awake and I’ve packed the tents away told me this is fucking urgent

[2025/07/11, 20:52:11] James: The love I am able to feel for this child has grown as of last night

[2025/07/11, 20:52:27] James: My more neurotypical and ash’s child. Probably the one more like me, externally.

[2025/07/11, 21:14:13] James: This were all those years composing emails in my head comes into play ha ha ha ha

[2025/07/11, 21:20:45] James: I have a feeling that you could all fix autistic anxiety if you managed to provide regular beats to the time cells so that your memories were sequence properly. There must be an artificial way to do this.

[2025/07/11, 21:22:23] James: So I am currently focusing on the left hemisphere and pulsating with my thumb against an object to provide a regular beat and I believe this is providing more blood so the language sent from my brain

[2025/07/11, 21:23:10] James: Do the government and it’s being else processing more I can feel tingle around the Beatty area on left-hand side and I probably reckon that what’s happening is dope man is being released from the VTA and floating around. I feel tingly tingly around the hemisphere so obviously my think my brain is composing articles with the website right now and an email to Erik Aquilabrain brain

[2025/07/11, 21:26:10] James: Add a head to the top of my email saying that I’m a bottom of thinker and that any Neurotypical people should try to read the email from the bottom upwards. It doesn’t always work but it’s a new idea that I have.

[2025/07/11, 21:26:48] James: Another thing I know the saying is the emails tend to come out the first email then when I’ve had an epiphany is like oh my God I’m so embarrassed so basically the first email is shit. Second email is shit. First email has the information for the second email information

[2025/07/11, 21:31:46] James: I’ve just got so many amazing ideas for how to deal with autism that I don’t think that ever going to stop coming but it just feels like every problem in the universal most I can just look out and see the exact solution and I know that that’s an exaggeration, but that’s how it feels right nowat the same time. I’m totally normal very strange.

[2025/07/11, 21:32:05] James: I’m gonna call this one ding

[2025/07/11, 21:34:40] James: So changing brain chemistry would be a system of thing that’s the point. It’s not even an OS it’s hard level changes for global

[2025/07/11, 21:35:08] James: I know I would say basically is that it’s a change to the system to optimise it and when you get the wrong medication you’re changing the system and making it worse, which is why it makes all the programs badly

[2025/07/11, 21:35:36] James: So obviously if you get something that changes the system for the better and it makes the system operate better then that’s good and you can still run the same programs on that system. Like I just went camping with my second child and it was a lot nicer than it would’ve been on the system.

[2025/07/11, 21:43:52] James: I don’t know if it’s dopamine that keeps you awake but it does I think I’m sleeping so little because my base has been increased by Harry that means that I think I have a hypertrophy dopamine glance dopamine admits oversized and the receptors are leaking which basically fucking idiot

[2025/07/11, 22:07:00] James: Huge relief in left hemisohere as I decide that the emailing is done

[2025/07/11, 22:07:07] James: That email to E was taxing I guess

[2025/07/11, 22:07:23] James: I could feel the VTA giving more juice for the calc while driving back

[2025/07/11, 22:07:36] James: Kind of leaning into it, encouraging it. Abnd I think a good email came out.

[2025/07/11, 22:07:40] James: But I do swear a lot.

[2025/07/11, 22:07:48] James: If someone cant deal with that though they aren’t ight so fucken

Ok - slight update

Went to sleep on the beach with my kid and had a great time. Woke up with an urgent 'ding' moment and emailed someone pretty senior. I am going to need to get a handler. But who could keep up with me? And S is better than that. She's not that kinda handler; she's the boss.

Anyway don't tell her that. It'll go to her head.

So

I woke up after an hour with a ding and off I go. Fucking DARPA type people. Yeah man this audhd thing can be bad if you're in a place of power. Which is one of the reasons for the urgency.. But i think the main is that I need something and this guy is literally the best in the world.

I hope I didn't piss hjim off but fuck it. 42 years dancing a dance. They can deal with a fuck or two.

So I'm going to go to bed soon. I am not hugely tired despite 50 days on about 4 hours a night. Again this is a concern in a clinical setting. I am starting to think it might not be though, on a mechanistic level.

I think my dopamine glands are hypertrophied because of the shitty synapses. So when they come in at night and power up the cleanup crew, thos fuckers go fast now. There isn't much to clean up compared to their old job. They have extra juice. They're done in 3 minutes and I have my insight.

Is there s physical need for sleep? The only need I'm aware of is mental. Well. Physical changes in the brain but. Maybe this is why maditators don't sleep an they say the buddha only slept an hour or two a night.

So I'll head to bed now and see you when I see you.

2313

Yeah so I still hjave some ding going on and was unable to settle. Dopamine eh. I can feel a block in my left pfc so I'm kinda rolling my head around to knead it out using gravity. It's like... there's a pachinko ball in there in the folds of the brain and it's just gently caressing as I move my head around. I think this is a verbal composition happening and it will pop out as a turd sooner or later. Just need to keep moving the body and head in the way they want. Get the juices flowing to the bits. This is biology, surely, and then physics?

This delineation of science and religion. They were always the same. Because the same brains intuit them both. The brains that process both in the same place.

2329

So I'm just brushing up the site and the structure is very clear: art, science, philosophy. 

But it certainly didn't come out that way.

Fucking scientific method. You lost so many ideas you fools.

2345