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[2025/07/21, 14:14:48] James: I am coming to terms with the fact that it was all an illusion.

[2025/07/21, 14:14:57] James: Parts of it were.

[2025/07/21, 14:15:02] James: They were metaphor made real.

[2025/07/21, 14:15:25] James: Whether that is an illusion is up to you, since I think our minds only ever work in metaphor.

[2025/07/21, 14:15:37] James: So everything in these trips always has meaning

[2025/07/21, 14:15:53] James: And it’s so real to the individual. Ask anyone who had done shrooms.

[2025/07/21, 14:16:36] James: So I’m going to have to divide it into parts that I still believe and parts that were metaphor

[2025/07/21, 14:17:10] James: For example I still believe we are probably in a simulation at our new world. That is unchanged. Though it’s more like a diffused belief; the way some people believe in rebirth or an afterlife

[2025/07/21, 14:17:17] James: It is comforting

[2025/07/21, 14:17:51] James: Then I believe I assembled realistic overarching narratives of how we ashieved this. These are most likely new ideas because of high neuroplasticity.

[2025/07/21, 14:17:57] James: This is the state where your best ideas are born

[2025/07/21, 14:18:10] James: All the shit about devs being priests and autistic people being pilots

[2025/07/21, 14:18:40] James: I think that was to say that the devs need to have a moral compass because they now control the systems that control the world. You can’t just do this for money any more or you are a bad person.

[2025/07/21, 14:19:15] James: And autistic people are unfairly marginalised for having brains that are exceptional in one thing and bad at others; for being logical beings.

[2025/07/21, 14:19:34] James: The empathy stuff is all valid. The system is crazy complex and I have an idea but can’t hope to make it

[2025/07/21, 14:19:42] James: The med matching system I will start making hopefully.

[2025/07/21, 14:20:03] James: And the meditation being my suicide vaccine was definitely true

[2025/07/21, 14:20:15] James: Oof. Still got the heavy frontal lobe.

[2025/07/21, 15:09:46] James: Yeah I’m pretty down about this right now, which is a sign the ari has mostly left

[2025/07/21, 15:10:25] James: It seems that CBD suppresses the seizures, but it also kills my divine spark. The joy I feel in the world is gone. It’s dull and lacking meaning.

[2025/07/21, 15:10:50] James: So THC is my antidepressant and it usually comes full-spectrum in this natural plant that we evolved with

[2025/07/21, 15:11:02] James: Why I can’t access this as a medical option I do not know

[2025/07/21, 15:11:14] James: I almost built a cult. And I hate religion.

[2025/07/21, 15:11:34] James: I honestly think this is why the psych records of the guy who built the aum cult are under lock and key

[2025/07/21, 15:12:08] James: I think he may have been in psych care and have been given bad drugs, and lost it. Even if not, he used drugs to brainwash people, which is what my psychiatrist did to me

[2025/07/21, 15:12:21] James: This is morally unacceptable, I have come to believe

[2025/07/21, 15:13:06] James: Changing someone’s personality chemically and then asking their opinion. It’s… how do you know what is the drug and what is ‘unmasked’?

[2025/07/21, 15:13:07] James: You don’t

[2025/07/21, 15:13:10] James: You are guessing

[2025/07/21, 15:13:24] James: You are just making people high as fuck on MDMA

[2025/07/21, 15:13:30] James: And then saying they’re more autistic

[2025/07/21, 15:13:47] James: Fucking hell.

[2025/07/21, 15:13:52] James: Give us a softer option.

[2025/07/21, 15:13:57] James: My brain can’t handle your hard drugs.

[2025/07/21, 15:14:03] James: It needs a soft one like cannabis

[2025/07/21, 15:14:21] James: But not a bastardisation because that’s not how these things work. It’s a complex plant.

[2025/07/21, 15:14:45] James: Probably useless to talk about here in Japan.

[2025/07/21, 15:15:06] James: Medicinal marijuana. What’s the big deal.

[2025/07/21, 15:15:09] James: It’s medicine

[2025/07/21, 15:17:42] James: I’ve probably slept for 4 hours today

[2025/07/21, 15:17:45] James: So exhausted.

[2025/07/21, 15:17:54] James: So there will be that; and withdrawal playing into it

[2025/07/21, 15:18:08] James: But I need an antidepressant if you are going to kill my god

[2025/07/21, 15:18:38] James: And it comes part and parcel with the medicine. CBD stops the seizures and THC keeps me in tune with the divine

[2025/07/21, 15:18:51] James: This makes me a nicer, happier, better human being who can help the species.

[2025/07/21, 15:19:07] James: Otherwise I’ll just be crawling along to the grave, maybe

[2025/07/21, 15:39:10] James: The empathy interface is obviously showing that we autistic people need to receive empathy instead of just be told to ‘give’ it to some imagined social norm

[2025/07/21, 15:39:26] James: I still am autistic. It is badly defined. I still have ADHD. It is also badly defined.

[2025/07/21, 15:39:40] James: Both of them are directly caused by fucking epilepsy in my case.

[2025/07/21, 15:39:50] James: Treat the cause and not the fucking symptom you idiots.

[2025/07/21, 15:40:09] James: But don’t kill my god. Or I’ll have no purpose to live.

[2025/07/21, 6:42:46] James: Well the dog seems ok now. Constantly panting, still. Not got long left. I am going to take the kids to the other house this morning so akane can look after her quietly.

[2025/07/21, 8:46:59] James: Sleeping like a log here at the new house

[2025/07/21, 8:47:17] James: Kids went outside on their own and I woke up with them gone. Our family is too trusting of this world.

[2025/07/21, 8:47:52] James: Maybe I’m just coming down to earth but I am snappier. My head hurts less and has less noise

[2025/07/21, 8:48:33] James: But I’m also a bit bleh. Life is good but what was that ship stuff all about? I still believe it but maybe the ship can take over different people for different tasks and my part in things is over.

[2025/07/21, 8:48:55] James: If I can have my dharma with my kids and keep feeding positive stuff into the sim in my mind; that will do.

[2025/07/21, 8:49:39] James: You never have evidence of god. But it’s such a common recurring theme. The idea of the ship temporarily taking over someone to inject some good code seems pretty valid

[2025/07/21, 8:50:05] James: And maybe nowadays it’s done through business plans instead of religion, is all.

[2025/07/21, 8:50:22] James: That drug certainly fucked up my mind permanently though.

[2025/07/21, 8:50:36] James: And I asked him for MRIs and proper diagnostic tools from the outset.

[2025/07/21, 8:51:19] James: The conversation didn’t touch on a formal ADHD diagnosis; just a chat and then drugs

[2025/07/21, 8:51:26] James: And then more drugs.

[2025/07/21, 8:51:40] James: And repeated refusals for referral to a neurologist and

[2025/07/21, 8:51:57] James: Refusals to write diagnosis letters multiple times

[2025/07/21, 8:52:14] James: And arguing with the police. Telling my wife I might have killed myself and it’s her fault

[2025/07/21, 8:52:34] James: Wife as the receptionist so nobody can question things…

[2025/07/21, 8:52:44] James: This doesn’t seem like a good setup for accountable doctoring.

[2025/07/21, 8:52:57] James: And I honestly think the body I found might have been one of his.

[2025/07/21, 8:53:02] James: Anyway whatever

[2025/07/21, 8:53:20] James: I don’t want to think like that. But something has to change

[2025/07/21, 8:53:25] James: So I don’t care about money any more

[2025/07/21, 8:53:30] James: But I do care about people

[2025/07/21, 8:54:03] James: and what I went through I wouldn’t wish on anyone (maybe the Orangeman; he needs purifying)

[2025/07/21, 8:54:29] James: But maybe the way I influence change is through business, even though I hate it.

[2025/07/21, 8:54:45] James: Maybe I just… help match people to build their own businesses which could save the world? I

[2025/07/21, 8:54:57] James: I dunno I think I’ll sleep for a fortnight first and sort myself out.

[2025/07/21, 8:56:07] James: The monk

[2025/07/21, 8:56:52] James: ‘Good is restraint over the eye; good is restraint over the ear; good is restraint over the nose; good is restraint over the tongue.

[2025/07/21, 8:57:55] James: Good is restraint in the body; good is restraint in speech; good is restraint it thought. Restraint everywhere is good. The monk restrained in every way is freed from all suffering’

[2025/07/21, 8:58:21] James: I need to ensure that I don’t let my dopamine system develop any major latches going forward. Money. Popularity. People.

[2025/07/21, 8:58:41] James: I need to stay restrained. I got a blank slate, whatever else came with it, and I’m not going to make the same mistakes again

[2025/07/21, 8:59:00] James: I will not manage businesses, but I will be an advisor if they are good and will have me.

[2025/07/21, 8:59:02] James: .

[2025/07/21, 11:58:57] James: He fed some bad shit into this sim and I have worken up shouting at my kids.

[2025/07/21, 11:59:01] James: Chain of events:

[2025/07/21, 11:59:20] James: Other dog sitter dumps dog on us 2 weeks early. Other things to do. Says she seems tired.

[2025/07/21, 11:59:27] James: Wife saves dogs life.

[2025/07/21, 11:59:39] James: I take to vet

[2025/07/21, 11:59:50] James: I save life twice more and get them to come back early

[2025/07/21, 12:00:02] James: He shouts that he’ll fucking kill me if I kill his dog.

[2025/07/21, 12:00:06] James: I am not happy about this

[2025/07/21, 12:00:10] James: I need to meditate.

[2025/07/20, 9:12:25] James: Yeah I definitely have some of that shit still in my system.

[2025/07/20, 9:12:28] James: It’s making me slugging

[2025/07/20, 9:12:31] James: Sluggish

[2025/07/20, 9:12:34] James: Heavy head.

[2025/07/20, 9:12:41] James: Not thinking quite straight. Nearly. Not quite.

[2025/07/20, 9:25:25] James: Forgot valproate. Taken it now. Mood stabiliser. Might explain.

[2025/07/20, 9:38:24] James: So it took me about 2 years to remove that karma

[2025/07/20, 9:38:32] James: 2 real years. Then the drugs.

[2025/07/20, 9:38:39] James: Art and writing and meditation.

[2025/07/20, 10:29:34] James: Yeah I can still feel this fucking drug in me.

[2025/07/20, 12:36:06] James: Fucking anxiety

[2025/07/20, 12:36:08] James: Fucking drug

[2025/07/20, 12:36:10] James: Fucking doctor

[2025/07/20, 12:36:13] James: Fucking narrative

[2025/07/20, 12:36:16] James: Fucking paranoid

[2025/07/20, 12:36:27] James: Fucking cunts putting this in my brain.

[2025/07/20, 12:36:38] James: Well… no James it wasn’t intentional

[2025/07/20, 12:36:51] James: But fuck me they are ignorant and the system needs to change.

[2025/07/20, 12:36:56] James: How many people does this happen to?

[2025/07/20, 12:37:18] James: It can’t just be me. FLE ‘presents’ as all kinds of other things.

[2025/07/20, 18:46:48] James: So took CBD about 5 hours ago and been fairly normal since but honestly I might just be fudging the data.

[2025/07/20, 18:46:56] James: I’m tired though and I need to sleep so this is the way.

[2025/07/20, 18:47:07] James: We can get other subjects. Enough n=1

[2025/07/20, 18:47:33] James: My plan now is to come back to complete baseline and see how I feel. I will then start looking into options.

[2025/07/20, 18:47:44] James: I will get an MRI in Phuket if I can’t get a 3t scan here.

[2025/07/20, 21:16:55] James: Zap [wake the dog which wasn't breathing]

[2025/07/20, 22:05:25] James: Offload memory here without going into new drugs.

[2025/07/20, 22:05:29] James: Go to zero

[2025/07/20, 22:05:41] James: Feeling good. Less vibrational and unstable.

[2025/07/20, 22:05:49] James: It was all the drugs.

[2025/07/20, 22:11:30] James: Yes. [wake the dog which wasn't breathing]

[2025/07/20, 22:11:50] James: This is clarification of that and that people are still a bit worried but feeling better

[2025/07/20, 22:12:22] James: Guys morality 101 I’m sorry but had to give myself the 1 weighting and shout for help. Thank you to the people who heard it and could step up.

[2025/07/20, 22:12:28] James: Will try for sleep.

[2025/07/21, 0:05:53] James: So the export is ongoing but I am avoiding words this time because that’s a filter [wake dog again]

[2025/07/21, 0:06:00] James: I will draw it up, maybe

[2025/07/21, 0:06:26] James: The key is that the writing style and time stamps show the changes in mental state as I near equilibrium

[2025/07/21, 0:34:03] James: This is just like doobie [the dog]

[2025/07/21, 0:34:17] James: Who just had a dream and had to make some noise during it to offload the memory

[2025/07/21, 0:34:26] James: That’s what this thought process is.

[2025/07/21, 0:41:12] James: I pretty sure I’ve brought doobie back from the edge twice today because of the timing of these wakings

[2025/07/21, 0:41:26] James: I think I need to get up and do a partial export.

[2025/07/21, 0:41:53] James: I have had 5 hours sleep which is more than I’ve had for ages.

[2025/07/21, 0:58:40] James: The process.

[2025/07/21, 0:59:37] James: What I’m doing now is trying to track back where I was in terms of mental state, using natural language processing. Then you use AI to extrapolate their mental state.

[2025/07/21, 0:59:44] James: Let’s do some knives. I’ve lost it.

[2025/07/21, 1:42:07] James: This dog had better fucking survive

[2025/07/21, 4:04:38] James: I was testing a highpothesis in each. [observation after taking CBD alone, no THC]

[2025/07/21, 4:23:29] James: So the clarity is there but I just can’t extract it as well. It comes out fragmented and not as a single chunk.

[2025/07/21, 4:25:43] James: I have a feeling that anyone near me might have this process happen diffusely, but I’m not sure.

[2025/07/21, 4:43:45] James: Something pulled me out of sleep to save this dog twice last night though

[2025/07/21, 4:43:56] James: And it’s the same thing that pulled me to take her to the vet yesterday

[2025/07/21, 4:44:06] James: The thing that CBD makes harder to parse.

[2025/07/21, 5:27:48] James: Ok so that was a very strange night of broken sleep but of a different variety. Time to check on this dog.

[2025/07/21, 5:48:09] James: So we have been lumped with a dog who is going to die today.

[2025/07/21, 5:48:28] James: My friend will hopefully be back around lunchtime but it’s going to be close whether they see her again

[2025/07/21, 5:49:11] James: I am certain that I woke up and saved her life twice last night. And that my wife saved her life the day before that, when we took her to the vets (my call; the owner said it was heat and not to go but thankfully we were already there)

[2025/07/21, 5:49:23] James: Her heart is failing and she would be dead already if not for these beta blockers.

[2025/07/21, 5:50:35] James: I’ve been a fucking mess because of ari for so long that my friend actually thought I might be trying to intentionally kill her when I sped up the dose of the beta blockers the vet has prescribed to give her a little extra time (in reality they will do nothing)

[2025/07/21, 5:51:09] James: This is one of the 4 or 5 friends I still have after this ordeal; all the others have disowned me because of the psychosis.

[2025/07/21, 5:51:45] James: I let him know too much information though because I assumed my wife had shared the severity of the situation.

[2025/07/21, 5:52:19] James: Empathy spectrum; he is on the logic end and she is emotion so she had hidden it. He may have come back a day earlier if he had known. And he certainly wouldn’t have flipped out about the meds

[2025/07/21, 5:52:28] James: So this is a prime example of ignorance being a bitch.

[2025/07/21, 5:52:37] James: The b-man yeah. He didn’t like ignorance.

[2025/07/21, 5:53:02] James: We are all ignorant of the situation because everyone has been focused on dealing with emotions first

[2025/07/21, 5:53:12] James: When a dog is dying, you deal with logic first

[2025/07/21, 5:53:22] James: You get the family together with her and then you deal with emotion

[2025/07/21, 5:53:35] James: If you don’t face the problem directly, you fuck it up. Just like with everything else.

[2025/07/21, 5:54:38] James: So hopefully they will make it. I sped up the med schedule a little. But I’ve checked with my mum (a human doctor but good enough proxy) and she’s like ‘the medicine won’t do anything positive or negative’ so it was the right decision. She got all the way to the gates twice last night and if not for that meal, she’d be gone.

[2025/07/21, 5:55:07] James: Anyway now I need to hand it back over. Me: I would give one more dose and a meal and hope. But I’ve been told not to, so I won’t.

[2025/07/21, 5:55:18] James: Let’s see. Not a fun situation.

[2025/07/21, 6:01:46] James: For the record: the owner and my wife both said not to take her to the vet; I pushed through on that front and she would likely have been dead otherwise.

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