[2025/07/25, 9:09:39] James: Thinking about it, this is all part of the process

[2025/07/25, 9:09:49] James: I set a 5 year goal to address my mental health

[2025/07/25, 9:10:01] James: This was testing the ‘medication’ hypothesis and it was a dud

[2025/07/25, 9:10:09] James: Now it’s time to test the meditation hypothesis instead

[2025/07/25, 11:04:19] James: I am in a supermarket surrounded by noise.

[2025/07/25, 11:04:35] James: When medicated this would have been impossible

[2025/07/25, 11:04:56] James: Now… my brain chemistry feels the same as when I was medicated, or better, and the overload is less (but still a little there)

[2025/07/25, 11:13:06] James: So my baseline chemistry in terms of dopamine, serotonin seems very similar to when I was drugged up, but with far more control or variance.

[2025/07/25, 11:13:17] James: I can snap to action a bit better; because NE is higher

[2025/07/25, 11:13:27] James: But the supermarket isn’t overwhelming like before.

[2025/07/25, 11:13:42] James: That was literally the drugs. I do have some sensitivities but they’re nothing like I was led to believe.

[2025/07/25, 11:13:56] James: The transformer noise is a problem. But the new house doesn’t have that.

[2025/07/25, 11:14:14] James: Not moved yet, but I’ll move once my parents vacate it.

[2025/07/25, 11:14:19] James: It’s a new start. A new James.

[2025/07/25, 11:14:23] James: No more anger at the world

[2025/07/25, 11:14:29] James: I can’t even remember why I was angry

[2025/07/25, 11:14:38] James: Probably because I surrounded myself with angry people

[2025/07/25, 11:14:42] James: That’s what will happen

[2025/07/25, 11:14:56] James: You won’t make them less angry; they’ll just burrow into your mind.

[2025/07/25, 11:15:14] James: Getting rid of those people will improve your brain chemistry no end

[2025/07/25, 11:15:35] James: And the humming in the water to vibrate the brain… mmmm that feels so nice. It’s like you vibrate away all the stress of the day

[2025/07/25, 15:40:46] James: Did it again James

[2025/07/25, 15:40:54] James: Went and got attached and did an impulsive buy

[2025/07/25, 15:41:06] James: A FOMO thing. What the b-man would have called a craving

[2025/07/25, 15:41:12] James: About the knives!

[2025/07/25, 15:41:14] James: Ha!

[2025/07/25, 15:41:27] James: He warned you of the same: not to get attached to anything including he meditative states

[2025/07/25, 15:41:35] James: Attachment is attachment and it brings suffering.

[2025/07/25, 15:41:44] James: You don’t need 100 knives in stock.

[2025/07/25, 15:41:54] James: Lesson learned. Maybe. Until next time. Ha

[2025/07/25, 17:16:57] James: I need to stop beating myself up about these mistakes

[2025/07/25, 17:17:19] James: I’m just human and have fucked up chemistry at the moment because of that doctor

[2025/07/25, 17:17:35] James: My decisions might be off. I’m lucky to have gotten away with something so small

[2025/07/25, 17:17:56] James: But I beat myself up like nothing on earth for fairly small mistakes that I would never criticise someone else for

[2025/07/25, 17:18:06] James: It’s not really fair, morality 101.

[2025/07/25, 17:18:31] James: Take care of yourself. Treat yourself well, first; so you can treat others well second

[2025/07/25, 17:18:37] James: Stop beating yourself up James

[2025/07/25, 17:18:57] James: It’s not a big deal. The money is small, you can recoup most of it

[2025/07/25, 17:19:06] James: And more than anything it’s just not going to achieve anything

[2025/07/25, 17:19:31] James: Just take it as a lesson and only buy the good blades going forward

[2025/07/25, 17:19:50] James: You like scrubbing off the stains of the past but you do not like cleaning up a mess someone else made

[2025/07/25, 17:20:15] James: I’m spent, I think, because of the shopping mall

[2025/07/25, 17:52:57] James: I realised it was anger at the doctor for fucking raping my brain

[2025/07/25, 17:53:10] James: 3 years in physical agony. Nearly killing myself and maybe others.

[2025/07/25, 17:53:21] James: It’s only just starting to hit, I guess.

[2025/07/25, 17:53:25] James: And I’m not happy.

[2025/07/25, 17:53:44] James: I wrote a letter to him today. It will scare him.

[2025/07/25, 17:54:04] James: I don’t know if I will sue him. I might get him in the papers. People say this isn’t the first time. He has a reputation.

[2025/07/25, 17:54:20] James: Why the fuck did I have to end up with that cunt instead of someone who would actually look at the PTSD.

[2025/07/25, 17:57:36] James: It was just bad luck and ignorance

[2025/07/25, 17:57:39] James: Ignorance

[2025/07/25, 17:57:42] James: The root of all evil

[2025/07/25, 17:57:54] James: An ignorant doctor and a drugged, suggestible patient

[2025/07/25, 17:58:10] James: PTSD written all over it.

[2025/07/25, 17:58:14] James: What a fucking idiot

[2025/07/25, 17:59:07] James: Making me stress about my knives

[2025/07/25, 17:59:16] James: The knives are for me

[2025/07/25, 17:59:24] James: They are the antidote to that cunt

[2025/07/25, 17:59:29] James: I can’t have too many knives

[2025/07/25, 17:59:38] James: Just sell the junk. Keep the ones that matter

[2025/07/25, 17:59:47] James: Sell the shit. Make some shit for that cunt doctor and sell it.

[2025/07/25, 17:59:50] James: Get rid of it.

[2025/07/25, 18:00:04] James: Just like that friend

[2025/07/25, 18:00:10] James: I don’t want him living in my head any more

[2025/07/25, 18:00:18] James: But this is not the first time and will not be the last

[2025/07/25, 18:00:23] James: So I might need to take him down

[2025/07/25, 20:05:32] James: ce cream is my staple food.

[2025/07/25, 20:05:40] James: First aikido session done.

[2025/07/25, 20:05:50] James: Second will be tomorrow

[2025/07/25, 20:22:30] James: I wasn’t that angry earlier btw

[2025/07/25, 20:22:40] James: Pretty pissed but mostly at the situation.

[2025/07/25, 20:22:59] James: I managed to bleed some of my anger onto my wife but she isn’t totally immune so I steered the rest of it here

[2025/07/25, 20:23:13] James: This is the way, though. A problem shared.

[2025/07/25, 20:23:28] James: With someone who has more tolerance to what the problem makes you feel

[2025/07/25, 20:23:40] James: Otherwise I just hold it inside and eat myself up

[2025/07/25, 20:23:49] James: And I’ve been a very angry man for all my life

[2025/07/25, 20:23:51] James: Now…

[2025/07/25, 20:23:54] James: Not so much.

[2025/07/25, 20:24:01] James: Just happy to be here, I guess.

[2025/07/25, 20:24:33] James: It’s still ups and downs, but I think with the yoga and the knives and the aikido and the head buzz (man that head buzz in the bath is so nice)

[2025/07/25, 20:24:43] James: I think I can wrangle this brain chemistry and make it better

[2025/07/25, 20:24:47] James: That head buzz. So nice