20250726

[2025/07/26, 12:08:11] James: Just passed out for almost an hour

[2025/07/26, 12:08:14] James: This isn’t normal sleep

[2025/07/26, 12:08:35] James: This is like a deep re-wiring of my personality

[2025/07/26, 12:09:23] James: It’s all quite new to me

[2025/07/26, 12:09:38] James: Like I have 40 years of life to slot back into place

[2025/07/26, 12:09:49] James: Lego blocks that have been exploded out

[2025/07/26, 12:09:57] James: Now being put back in a new place

[2025/07/26, 12:10:23] James: All the Ironman, business, self improvement. Even the meditation and the forcing myself into a new shape I wasn’t born to be

[2025/07/26, 12:10:35] James: All this is being reframed and reordered

[2025/07/26, 12:10:47] James: These things brought no satisfaction. No lasting joy

[2025/07/26, 12:10:54] James: And that is as plain as day to me now

[2025/07/26, 12:11:08] James: And no one thing ever will. You can’t just change your personality

[2025/07/26, 12:11:16] James: Or rather, your chemical makeup

[2025/07/26, 12:11:25] James: This experience had changed my personality a lot

[2025/07/26, 12:11:40] James: But the foundational system of James is the same

[2025/07/26, 12:11:49] James: Just everything else - all the Lego blocks of experience

[2025/07/26, 12:12:06] James: They’re all coming down in new places with new meaning. Or rather: cleaned of delusion

[2025/07/26, 12:12:17] James: I always knew they didn’t satisfy yet had to pursue them anyway.

[2025/07/26, 12:12:26] James: I was told it was adhd

[2025/07/26, 12:12:32] James: But I barely remember that

[2025/07/26, 12:12:35] James: It feels so long ago

[2025/07/26, 12:12:50] James: 6 months ago I was diagnosed and 2 months ago aripiprazole

[2025/07/26, 12:12:58] James: It feels like a decade ago and feels like a lie

[2025/07/26, 12:13:10] James: It feels like I never had this adhd thing. Like it doesn’t exists

[2025/07/26, 12:13:24] James: I have slightly more volatile emotions than most. What’s wrong with that?

[2025/07/26, 12:13:29] James: I get shit done and most do not

[2025/07/26, 12:13:34] James: Fuck off pathologising me

[2025/07/26, 12:13:43] James: All the best people I know share similar traits

[2025/07/26, 12:13:52] James: Fuck you with your imagined social norm.

[2025/07/26, 12:14:06] James: Fucking masking? No fucking wonder.

[2025/07/26, 12:14:11] James: Empathy much you cunts?

[2025/07/26, 12:14:12] James: .

[2025/07/26, 12:37:55] James: I’m not going to go to Phuket

[2025/07/26, 12:38:01] James: That was J1

[2025/07/26, 12:38:06] James: He lived for substances.

[2025/07/26, 12:38:17] James: When he went back to the uk it was just for drugs

[2025/07/26, 12:38:22] James: To change his chemistry

[2025/07/26, 12:38:36] James: J2 isn’t like that

[2025/07/26, 12:38:40] James: This is a different brain

[2025/07/26, 12:38:49] James: I don’t live for substances any more.

[2025/07/26, 12:38:52] James: I live for peace

[2025/07/26, 12:38:58] James: I know the tiger is too powerful

[2025/07/26, 12:39:07] James: Most people have a pussycat

[2025/07/26, 12:39:08] James: Not me

[2025/07/26, 12:39:14] James: But you need to keep it entertained

[2025/07/26, 12:39:24] James: If you put a tiger in a cage then it will die

[2025/07/26, 12:39:29] James: A cage of medicine

[2025/07/26, 12:41:07] James: A cage of routine

[2025/07/26, 12:41:21] James: This narrative of being unable to control your fixations is fucking bullshit

[2025/07/26, 12:41:25] James: That’s just a fucking excuse

[2025/07/26, 12:41:40] James: Just fucking do it. Stop whining. Do it enough and your reward system clicks to it

[2025/07/26, 12:42:01] James: Quantify it. Measure your progress. Use one addiction to go to the other, like I did

[2025/07/26, 12:42:05] James: But it won’t make you happy

[2025/07/26, 12:42:08] James: You’ll get shit done

[2025/07/26, 12:42:10] James: For them

[2025/07/26, 12:42:15] James: But you won’t be happy

[2025/07/26, 12:42:19] James: Don’t make that mistake

[2025/07/26, 12:42:29] James: The way you will be happy is by letting your tiger play

[2025/07/26, 12:42:49] James: And surrounding it with toys which encourage self acceptance instead of self improvement

[2025/07/26, 12:42:56] James: This fucking self improvement narrative

[2025/07/26, 12:43:03] James: Just who is good enough?

[2025/07/26, 12:43:16] James: What’s this imagined ideal you’re fucking aiming for?

[2025/07/26, 12:43:31] James: The paddling of the boat on the way to the shore, unaware of anything apart from progress

[2025/07/26, 12:43:36] James: No enjoyment of the moment

[2025/07/26, 12:43:40] James: No allowing the self to be

[2025/07/26, 12:43:49] James: And then when you crumble what’s the fucking solution?

[2025/07/26, 12:43:58] James: Drugs to change who you are, forever

[2025/07/26, 12:44:00] James: Fuck that shit

[2025/07/26, 12:44:08] James: Fuck them

[2025/07/26, 12:44:16] James: And fuck you if you’re into the victim narrative

[2025/07/26, 12:44:27] James: You’re making yourself into the fucking victim

[2025/07/26, 12:44:35] James: Tell them to eat a fucking dick and try empathising for once

[2025/07/26, 12:44:53] James: And I’m not even angry

[2025/07/26, 12:44:56] James: This is just how I talk

[2025/07/26, 12:45:08] James: If you have a pussycat then be a fucking pussy

[2025/07/26, 12:45:21] James: But if you have a tiger you have to be a tiger

[2025/07/26, 12:45:35] James: Any tiger will die if their cage is small and uninspiring

[2025/07/26, 12:45:55] James: You’re not alone

[2025/07/26, 12:45:58] James: Change the fucking cage

[2025/07/26, 12:46:06] James: Change the people you are with

[2025/07/26, 12:46:14] James: Change those chemical fucking restraints they have put on you

[2025/07/26, 12:46:18] James: Be a fucking tiger

[2025/07/26, 12:46:20] James: Fuck them

[2025/07/26, 12:46:49] James: Let them sit there watching fucking coronation street and bemoaning the fact that 5% of the population don’t agree with their idealised self

[2025/07/26, 12:47:52] James: You go be a fucking tiger

[2025/07/26, 12:48:00] James: Let them play with their baubles

[2025/07/26, 12:49:32] James: .

[2025/07/26, 12:49:45] James: Why did I feel such a need for cannabis?

[2025/07/26, 12:49:52] James: I am sure I’ll still enjoy it.

[2025/07/26, 12:50:05] James: But I needed it previously, or I thought I needed it

[2025/07/26, 12:50:10] James: I thought I needed alcohol before that

[2025/07/26, 12:50:14] James: And certain ‘friends’

[2025/07/26, 12:50:19] James: I need none of those

[2025/07/26, 12:50:28] James: They are all limiting factors

[2025/07/26, 12:50:33] James: They all make the cage smaller.

[2025/07/26, 12:50:51] James: Through chemistry; affecting it directly or as a contagion of cmem

[2025/07/26, 12:51:06] James: All these thing were making my cage small.

[2025/07/26, 12:51:12] James: I never got into coronation street

[2025/07/26, 12:51:18] James: But I always envied the people who did

[2025/07/26, 12:51:23] James: Oh to be so dumb

[2025/07/26, 12:51:30] James: So unaware of your own mortality

[2025/07/26, 12:51:40] James: So happy to go through life on rails and have a cup of tea then die

[2025/07/26, 12:51:45] James: What a pathetic existence

[2025/07/26, 12:51:56] James: Why did I ever envy them?

[2025/07/26, 12:52:38] James: But because they have the numbers they set the rules

[2025/07/26, 12:52:43] James: What happened to Einstein

[2025/07/26, 12:53:09] James: Da Vinci

[2025/07/26, 12:53:14] James: All those fuckers

[2025/07/26, 12:53:21] James: You think they watched coronation street

[2025/07/26, 12:53:31] James: Or drugged away their intellect with pharmaceuticals?

[2025/07/26, 12:53:49] James: They probably fed creativity with recreational drugs, which are now illegal

[2025/07/26, 12:54:20] James: And these recreational drugs have been replaced with the equivalent of pouring concrete into your synapses

[2025/07/26, 12:54:37] James: They need me to slow down?

[2025/07/26, 12:54:56] James: No they need to find some new fucking friends who are close to them on the empathy spectrum for fucks sake

[2025/07/26, 12:55:18] James: This is the imaginary them

[2025/07/26, 12:55:22] James: My family are good

[2025/07/26, 12:55:28] James: Society though… not good

[2025/07/26, 12:55:43] James: Society says that if you are a little away from mediocre, you are broken

[2025/07/26, 12:55:56] James: All great people are volatile

[2025/07/26, 12:56:04] James: Even the religious leaders. Volatile.

[2025/07/26, 12:56:20] James: The world if fucking volatile

[2025/07/26, 12:56:33] James: We are the ones that keep the fucking wheels on half the time

[2025/07/26, 12:56:36] James: Or I am; anyway

[2025/07/26, 12:56:57] James: I’m done beating myself up about not being able to ‘act normal’ while I achieve things that normal people only dream of

[2025/07/26, 12:57:07] James: So fucking ridiculous when you put it like that

[2025/07/26, 12:57:19] James: One’s a runner and one’s a cyclist

[2025/07/26, 12:57:27] James: Just let each other fucking be.

[2025/07/26, 12:57:32] James: And stop with the dopamine hacking

[2025/07/26, 12:58:30] James: Prime culprits are this phone: set it black and white and all notifications off

[2025/07/26, 12:58:38] James: Then social media and mobile gaming.

[2025/07/26, 12:58:43] James: Just fucking delete those

[2025/07/26, 12:58:50] James: You’ll never win

[2025/07/26, 12:59:37] James: Social media in particular; it’s a fucking pile-on where weak individuals can get behind the cause of the day and target their venom against whoever happens to say the wrong thing

[2025/07/26, 12:59:41] James: Fuck that

[2025/07/26, 12:59:45] James: Go back to real life

[2025/07/26, 12:59:49] James: And let your tiger play

[2025/07/26, 13:00:11] James: Or face eventual implosion like I did

[2025/07/26, 13:00:19] James: .

[2025/07/26, 13:11:02] James: So despite talking like this I’m really engaged and enjoying looking at the kabuto beetle my kids found

[2025/07/26, 13:11:12] James: I’m more relaxed and engaged than I have ever been

[2025/07/26, 13:11:24] James: Because I am allowing the tiger to play

[2025/07/26, 13:11:30] James: It has claws. It will bite.

[2025/07/26, 13:11:48] James: But it can also play, if give freedom

[2025/07/26, 13:12:04] James: Restrain one you restrain them both.

[2025/07/26, 13:12:16] James: Like the booze: it kills the pain but kills the joy

[2025/07/26, 13:12:27] James: And over time the pain comes back but the joy stays gone