controlthenarrative

That’s enough of that now. Time to take control.

This whole thing happened because I relinquished control over the narrative. I have always consciously controlled my narrative and now I have a little space and my mind is my own again, that’s what I’ll do.

This time I will avoid pivoting things into anger and motivation. This is what I have always done and it made me very productive, but also fed into the bone deep misery and self-loathing.

This time I have a unique opportunity to program myself into a more compassionate and caring individual. I will always be a fighter, but I no longer want to fight without a cause.

ADHD was a false narrative; the doctor refused to give me a formal diagnosis letter or referral 4 times because he knew he was wrong. I had PTSD from finding a corpse, along with lifetime FLE which explains my various breakdowns and personality changes over the years.

ADHD itself smells like a lie, to be honest. A way to drug up the less easily controlled. Sure some might end up in jail but others end up in office. We motivated few scare people. But there will be other legitimate problems which 'present as' ADHD and can be treated.

RSD and whatnot: they seem to be totally gone. That shouldn’t be possible, but remember that ADHD is just a catch-all for unknown causes. This was just FLE ‘presenting as’ something else, which is why I might have a crack for a Zuckerberg moment and destroying the mental health industry; but only if I can be arsed.

I’ll take down that doctor, because he is harming people. I think the corpse was his but will never know. All I know is he is a bad doctor and has a reputation for harming families, so he needs to be dealt with.

For me - well.

This is fucking great.

I hated myself and my greed. It wasn’t my own greed; it was from all the people I worked with over the years. ‘Oh 30 million yen isn’t enough for me and I refuse to do a code test’. Poor baby what a pussy. Grow up. That’s more money than most people earn in a decade and you obviously don’t have the skills or motivation you entitled little shit.

I had to pander to these twats but no more. The orangemen. Fucking orangemen; I’ll adopt that. Somewhere near a hungryghost. Poor fools keep ramming cash into the void and making it bigger.

Not my problem any more.

I have stepped back from the world. I am done with that. If I do go back to the world, it will be as an ethicist. I will never pander to the greed again.

But more than that, I’ve lost many of my neuroses. I manage to cram 3 years of dopamine-cranked meditation into 2 months and I am going to ride that wave and become a fucking modern day monk.

Fuck all that greed. Fuck the orangemen.

I will be with my family collecting these insects and smelling these flowers. I will practice aikido and yoga with a loving and accepting mind and really come into who I am instead of trying for some kind of enlightenment. I had a chance at enlightenment - of a sort - and decided my family were better. So now I know - with utmost clarity - that I want to hang around until my final days to be with these people I love.

Now I love myself. I have respect for myself. I’ve done a lot of shit over the years, sure, but anyone can do that. The big thing was that I survived a total dissolution of ego.

Even if this construct I have built over the years is shattered to the wind, somehow the pieces are able to come back together. Jambo.

I know that all I control is that first drink. I have killed all the addictions over the years. Maybe not all; I nipped most class-a’s in the bud pretty early. The real addiction was addiction itself; productivity. But all of these were nothing compared to a molecule that bound to my receptors for 100-odd hours per dose and made me see god.

I killed that too.

Modern day Musashi.

And it’s time to spend a year or two just honing my edge, tempering my soul, before I decide exactly what I want to do going forward.

This is a unique blank slate. I can take these pieces and these victories and struggles and put them together in a new order; an order that better serves my family, my self, and the world.

This will take time, and that is fucking great. It means I can share my imperfections and improvement here and maybe help someone else who doesn’t want concrete pouring into their brain.

So I held your hand through the hells. Maybe I can find some solid behavioural apporaches to managing whatever-it-is they try to paint away with drugs.

Maybe I can revive some old spiritual practices for a world that desperately needs them.

And I’ll never turn on analytics for this site because I don’t give a fuck really. That’s yet another fucking drink where I only control the first sip. Fuck ‘making content’. The world has too much fucking content.

I’ll be with my family picking blueberries.

Laterrrr

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