daterape

I woke up from a dream where all my family and friends were tricking me into going to the doctor, painting a nice picture that it was a new doctor and things would be different, but then pulled the rug and had me locked up in a mental institute.

It wasn’t even a nightmare. It just felt real.

The only analogy I can think of for what happened is date rape. I wasn’t physically violated but I was mentally violated for several months, to the point of near suicide and total insanity. Someone could have easily manipulated me into killing people, and the papers would have just said ‘mental patient murders family’ while the doctor goes on giving drugs to others. People would have speculated on my motivations and felt nothing but pity for my dead children.

No.

I will not let them control the narrative again.

This time: no.

No fucking ADHD shit. Fuck off.

No PTSD shit. Fuck off.

No fucking talk.

You scan my fucking brain or you’re fucking fired.

You want to keep me overnight? Fuck off.

You give me the equipment and I will do it at home.

I am fucking sick of this. I am not a broken person and all these fucking ‘normal’ people trying to get me to take drugs and just fucking squeeze this square peg into a round hole through new means.

How is this any different to when they had me masking who I was for 30 years?

It’s exactly the fucking same. Power of numbers. Concern about slight deviation from the norm.

Intellectually I know that my family just care for me.

But they are asking me to go and dance in the club where someone spiked my fucking drink, and where I lost several months of time and all sense of agency.

I’m going to have to have a serious talk with them today. Because I will not be funnelled through the ‘mental health’ industry again.

The ‘doctors’ put me in touch with a neurologist now or they can fuck off because I am going to do it myself.

I need:

• a 3t MRI for FLE

• genetic testing for FLE

• genetic testing for cyp2d6 processing speed

• an overnight EEG, but done at home; not in a lockable room

I do not trust them, and my mistrust is founded on lots of personal experience. It is justified.

If they cannot provide these tests, they are a waste of time at best and dangerous at worst.

/jb202507280553

0848: I will put this anger into some knives and sell them. The anger serves nobody; least of all me. But I am traumatised by the experience and this is a legitimate emotion which needs addressing. The knives worked well before and I kept them because they were the knives of my mind. These knives will be aggressively made and sold as soon as possible - the whole point is to get rid of this shit before it becomes locked in my body.