20250729

[2025/07/29, 10:46:10] James: Fuck man

[2025/07/29, 10:46:13] James: Really though

[2025/07/29, 10:46:18] James: How the fuck did I survive that

[2025/07/29, 10:46:25] James: How did I manage to stop that drug?

[2025/07/29, 10:46:32] James: It was more addictive than life itself.

[2025/07/29, 10:46:43] James: It was the meaning of life

[2025/07/29, 10:46:57] James: And I managed to stop because of the love for my family

[2025/07/29, 10:47:04] James: Fuck hard cunt, James

[2025/07/29, 10:47:42] James: It’s like all the training in self discipline led to that one moment where I stopped the drug

[2025/07/29, 10:48:40] James: It’s so powerful. There must be valid uses for it

[2025/07/29, 10:48:45] James: But how it’s prescribed now…

[2025/07/29, 10:49:02] James: It’s causing suicides in children because of its nature

[2025/07/29, 10:49:07] James: It’s not a side effect

[2025/07/29, 10:49:35] James: It’s a powerful narcotic which you develop a tolerance to, but which can never satisfy that tolerance because of the activation curve

[2025/07/29, 10:50:11] James: You can never get back those few days of sheer joy when you first start the drug, because higher doses bring lessened effect

[2025/07/29, 10:50:30] James: Incredibly dangerous and just some basic logical thought can see where things head

[2025/07/29, 10:50:36] James: But the scientific method is not logical

[2025/07/29, 10:50:49] James: It just looks at granular things, in isolation

[2025/07/29, 10:50:55] James: Like Huberman and his fucking papers.

[2025/07/29, 10:51:08] James: Causing incredible harm because of lack of understanding of the total system

[2025/07/29, 10:51:32] James: Fucking idiots, killing our children because of some 50 year old ‘validated research’

[2025/07/29, 10:51:34] James: Fuck off

[2025/07/29, 10:51:57] James: All those side effects are just MDMA. They are expected effects of the narcotic making you high you fucking idiots

[2025/07/29, 10:53:00] James: So stupid

[2025/07/29, 12:29:31] James: What a fucking loser that guy is with his dog

[2025/07/29, 12:29:47] James: So unable to look at the fact he nearly killed it with loneliness that he attacks everyone around him

[2025/07/29, 12:29:50] James: Poor guy

[2025/07/29, 12:29:55] James: Trapped in his own ego

[2025/07/29, 12:30:04] James: Been there. But not that bad…

[2025/07/29, 17:18:03] James: So today was going great until I had a nap

[2025/07/29, 17:18:06] James: Fucking hell man

[2025/07/29, 17:18:10] James: I probably have FLE

[2025/07/29, 17:18:17] James: I woke up in a rage. No reason.

[2025/07/29, 17:18:25] James: Suicidal, almost walking into traffic

[2025/07/29, 17:18:48] James: My head still aches around the … middle-front-right, deep in there

[2025/07/29, 17:18:58] James: Like a knot in a muscle, but in the brain

[2025/07/29, 17:19:12] James: This is so incredibly frustrating and embarrassing

[2025/07/29, 17:19:21] James: I am the most disciplined person I know.

[2025/07/29, 17:19:38] James: And I have a nap and - I guess - a seizure.

[2025/07/29, 17:19:58] James: And I wake up and it’s all gone in a heartbeat. All the work, destroyed

[2025/07/29, 17:20:20] James: It’s embarrassing how angry I was and how much I wanted to kill myself

[2025/07/29, 17:20:25] James: I do not want to kill myself

[2025/07/29, 17:20:38] James: Yet I found myself drifting into traffic

[2025/07/29, 17:20:58] James: Even while all this is happening, I know I don’t want to kill myself

[2025/07/29, 17:21:09] James: I know how unreasonable I am being

[2025/07/29, 17:21:17] James: I can see this animal. The meditator is still there

[2025/07/29, 17:21:39] James: But he’s powerless. Just observing as this animal takes over

[2025/07/29, 17:22:58] James: And then I’m left with

[2025/07/29, 17:23:00] James: Shame

[2025/07/29, 17:23:07] James: Just unbearable amounts of shame

[2025/07/29, 17:23:25] James: I have the strongest conscience of anyone I know. My wife is the one who says this.

[2025/07/29, 17:23:35] James: She says I’m the most disciplined

[2025/07/29, 17:23:37] James: She knows me

[2025/07/29, 17:23:43] James: And in a second it’s all fucked

[2025/07/29, 17:23:48] James: I’m a rabid creature

[2025/07/29, 17:23:58] James: And then an hour later I am back to normal

[2025/07/29, 17:24:11] James: Left with a headache and self loathing and yet another mess to clean up

[2025/07/29, 17:24:19] James: So I guess it wasn’t all the doctor after all

[2025/07/29, 17:24:30] James: Back into the fucking grinder we go.

[2025/07/29, 18:24:19] James: Trying really hard not to blame myself here

[2025/07/29, 18:24:26] James: Impossible not to cry

[2025/07/29, 18:24:32] James: To think I’ve had this my whole life

[2025/07/29, 18:24:45] James: And spent all this time meditating and trying to improve myself

[2025/07/29, 18:24:57] James: Trying to create an immovable force for good

[2025/07/29, 18:25:28] James: Only to have some fucking errant jolt of electricity make me into a fucking suicidal ball of rage

[2025/07/29, 18:25:30] James: What the fuck man

[2025/07/29, 18:25:54] James: And then an hour later you’re back to normal, trying to fix the mess you made

[2025/07/29, 18:26:02] James: If I’ve had this for my whole life

[2025/07/29, 18:26:13] James: Completely unaware and blaming myself for everything

[2025/07/29, 18:26:19] James: That’s not really fair

[2025/07/29, 18:26:43] James: And then there’s no guarantee this is what it is

[2025/07/29, 18:26:47] James: I might just be a cunt

[2025/07/29, 18:26:49] James: Ha

[2025/07/29, 18:26:52] James: Fuck