20250731

[2025/07/31, 11:42:41] James: There’s a chance I just worked too hard for too long

[2025/07/31, 11:43:05] James: Retiring in 3 years. Ironman world championships. Young family. Covid. Then art.

[2025/07/31, 11:43:16] James: It exhausts me just thinking about it

[2025/07/31, 11:43:32] James: And then I was funnelled into a victim narrative that there was something inherently wrong with me

[2025/07/31, 11:43:43] James: A biological problem beginning with an A

[2025/07/31, 11:43:49] James: Which seems to be gone

[2025/07/31, 11:43:53] James: But the exhaustion remains

[2025/07/31, 11:44:00] James: I am exhausted by this all

[2025/07/31, 11:44:19] James: But that wouldn’t explain my response to aripiprazole

[2025/07/31, 11:44:37] James: The being god thing. Seeing fate. Kundalini electric shock events.

[2025/07/31, 11:44:47] James: It wouldn’t explain the dejavu breakdown

[2025/07/31, 11:44:51] James: So it’s probably both

[2025/07/31, 11:45:00] James: I likely have ASD and get too obsessed with things

[2025/07/31, 11:45:11] James: But then something short circuits when stress gets too high

[2025/07/31, 11:45:19] James: And something goes fucking wrong

[2025/07/31, 11:45:27] James: And I wake up hating everything I’ve done

[2025/07/31, 11:45:38] James: I’m tired

[2025/07/31, 11:45:48] James: This aripiprazole incident nearly killed me

[2025/07/31, 11:45:57] James: It killed large parts of me psychically

[2025/07/31, 11:46:10] James: I struggle to be around my kids at the moment. They are overwhelming

[2025/07/31, 11:46:24] James: I can’t even think about working and have to do my accounts soon

[2025/07/31, 11:46:31] James: I fucking hate that shit

[2025/07/31, 11:46:44] James: Everyone trying to guess whether they are right

[2025/07/31, 11:46:57] James: If the government knows then why the fuck don’t they just send us a bill like in Singapore

[2025/07/31, 11:47:06] James: Anyway it’s … I’ll do that later

[2025/07/31, 11:47:38] James: Right now I need peace and quiet and predictability

[2025/07/31, 11:47:50] James: I need to make knives when I feel like it and play computer games when I don’t

[2025/07/31, 11:48:02] James: Aikido and archery are great but could easily become another latch

[2025/07/31, 11:48:10] James: I can’t go that route again

[2025/07/31, 11:53:09] James: .

[2025/07/31, 11:53:16] James: Kind of a shame my reputation is trashed

[2025/07/31, 11:53:25] James: But I guess I found out who my real friends are

[2025/07/31, 11:53:45] James: Amazing how people drop you

[2025/07/31, 11:53:53] James: No great loss I guess

[2025/07/31, 11:54:07] James: I wouldn’t have dropped them, so the relationship obviously wasn’t equal.

[2025/07/31, 11:56:09] James: I need to treat myself like a sick person

[2025/07/31, 11:56:22] James: Physical sickness would be easy. Rest and recover

[2025/07/31, 11:56:26] James: Mental sickness I ignore

[2025/07/31, 14:36:52] James: Let’s be real though; I ignored physical sickness too until it was unbearable

[2025/07/31, 19:13:50] James: .

[2025/07/31, 19:13:58] James: I am in the low after the high

[2025/07/31, 19:14:31] James: It’s to be expected

[2025/07/31, 19:14:46] James: That medicine was basically MDMA, every minute of every day, for 2 months

[2025/07/31, 19:15:02] James: And I had a total of maybe 100 hours sleep over 10 weeks

[2025/07/31, 19:15:08] James: It would be stranger if I didn’t crash

[2025/07/31, 19:15:12] James: But it’s not so bad

[2025/07/31, 19:15:18] James: The high was worse, if I’m honest

[2025/07/31, 19:15:23] James: A cage you can’t escape

[2025/07/31, 19:15:27] James: Gradually shrinking

[2025/07/31, 19:15:48] James: The nutriments.

[2025/07/31, 19:16:04] James: Food is obvious. You eat shit you feel shit.

[2025/07/31, 19:16:12] James: I guess this drug falls into the food category

[2025/07/31, 19:16:48] James: But there are 4 types yeah

[2025/07/31, 19:17:01] James: Contact / sense impression was fucked on that drug.

[2025/07/31, 19:17:14] James: It was intensified

[2025/07/31, 19:17:24] James: Everything seemed preordained

[2025/07/31, 19:17:30] James: Now nothing seems to matter much

[2025/07/31, 19:17:33] James: To be expected

[2025/07/31, 19:17:56] James: Mental volition and intention was also fucked

[2025/07/31, 19:17:59] James: But it was good

[2025/07/31, 19:18:02] James: The motive was good

[2025/07/31, 19:18:08] James: I wanted to save the world and the species

[2025/07/31, 19:18:30] James: So the method was skewed by the drugs but the motive is a source of …

[2025/07/31, 19:18:47] James: Not pride.

[2025/07/31, 19:18:49] James: Relief

[2025/07/31, 19:19:03] James: I’m a good person; even when fucked on drugs I’m a good person.

[2025/07/31, 19:19:10] James: Consciousness is number 4

[2025/07/31, 19:19:30] James: My consciousness was initially on the drugs and then moved to my family when I saw through them

[2025/07/31, 19:19:41] James: Then it was on getting back and becoming a better person

[2025/07/31, 19:19:46] James: Anyway

[2025/07/31, 19:19:50] James: I…

[2025/07/31, 19:19:56] James: 2 months is a long time for no sleep

[2025/07/31, 19:20:05] James: And I basically wrote two novels worth of shit

[2025/07/31, 19:20:10] James: While living a full life every day

[2025/07/31, 19:20:18] James: I am going to be exhausted

[2025/07/31, 19:20:27] James: I can learn a lot from this

[2025/07/31, 19:20:35] James: Mostly not to take aripiprazole

[2025/07/31, 19:20:36] James: Ha

[2025/07/31, 19:21:22] James: Man these ice creams are tiny now. Shrinkflation

[2025/07/31, 19:21:38] James: But I learned how much I love my family

[2025/07/31, 19:21:44] James: And how much they love me

[2025/07/31, 19:22:05] James: I learned that my consciousness focused on them and on

[2025/07/31, 19:22:09] James: On the world around me

[2025/07/31, 19:22:14] James: The grass and the leaves and the birds

[2025/07/31, 19:22:27] James: I learned those are where my joy lies

[2025/07/31, 19:22:40] James: But I also learned that I need to rest occasionally

[2025/07/31, 19:22:56] James: I need to learn how to rest

[2025/07/31, 19:23:04] James: To let go

[2025/07/31, 19:23:11] James: It’ll never be perfect

[2025/07/31, 19:23:17] James: The whole fucking problem

[2025/07/31, 19:23:27] James: Is because I tried to get to perfect

[2025/07/31, 19:23:37] James: I tried to get someone else to fix my problem

[2025/07/31, 19:23:55] James: I looked outside again, even if the aim was to change the chemistry inside

[2025/07/31, 19:24:08] James: Nobody can liberate you but yourself

[2025/07/31, 19:24:15] James: I was a prisoner to that psychiatrist

[2025/07/31, 19:24:17] James: And that drug

[2025/07/31, 19:24:23] James: I didn’t liberate myself in the slightest

[2025/07/31, 19:24:32] James: I gave myself a fucking straight jacket

[2025/07/31, 19:24:50] James: Valproate gets a pass; it’s just booze without the booze

[2025/07/31, 19:24:59] James: But the others… they are too strong for me

[2025/07/31, 19:25:15] James: Cannabis was ok. I can test that again sooner or later. But I don’t want to rely on anything.

[2025/07/31, 21:11:24] James: I guess those people who were excited when I first went manic are now ashamed or something

[2025/07/31, 21:11:46] James: I can’t help but think they blocked me just for a few emails

[2025/07/31, 21:11:53] James: Those meds really did fuck me up though

[2025/07/31, 21:12:13] James: But I guess people might feel a bit responsible.

[2025/07/31, 21:12:43] James: They aren’t. It was just bad luck. And I’m pretty used to wrangling mania. I think it’s how I’ve lived my life to date

[2025/07/31, 21:12:45] James: Anyway no more

[2025/07/31, 21:12:48] James: I need sleep

[2025/07/31, 21:12:52] James: Night