backtosquareone

So I went to a new doctor yesterday, one who actually follows diagnostic processes. They didn’t seem to know what frontal lobe epilepsy was but thought that I loosely fit bipolar disorder and that valproate was the best option for both conditions. They have increased the dose for now, taken some bloods, and will refer me to a neurologist. 

I decided not to go to Phuket and take a hit on the airfare. Instead I slept at the new house alone yesterday. I didn’t feel happy about this at first. I still feel very vulnerable after what happened.

But the new doctor made it very clear that if I was working, I should take time off completely; a few months. As the owner of a company I’ve never been able to do this and as the father of children, I’ve never been able to have a break on the personal front either. My only medication was excessive amounts of training. 

I had been telling my wife for a long while that I kept cranking up the volume on one thing to drown out the other and that it was unsustainable. I was right.

So basically, we’re back where we were in January except somehow I don’t seem to have ADHD symptoms anymore. This shouldn’t be possible so I was either misdiagnosed or something about the trauma of the experience has reset my hedonic calibration.

Now all I want to do is sit here in quiet and maybe play a computer game or two and maybe make some knives or read a book. 

I was so sickened by the greed that I saw in my job. All of these developers on their white horses claiming to be a force for good.

But then as a recruiter, you see the truth. It’s all a fucking act. There are some good people out there, sure. But the vast majority have been swallowed whole by this consumerist fear driven narrative that you need to collect everything before you die. DEI was a lie from the start; a way to attract guilty white men to companies that pay them too much fucking money. 

Some of the fucking shit that I saw from these developers. The people who are supposed to be building the technology which probably oversees our future and the fate of our species. But they infected me once and I will not let it happen again.

This house is so quiet. I slept without earplugs and there’s no transformer noise. There’s no constant electric hum and no sound of traffic bouncing up from the valley.

I spent the evening polishing a knife in the dark, by feel. I fell asleep listening to a sutra from the Buddha. I woke up peacefully and used some finger stones to finalise the polish on the knife I did last night and I’m sat here in a rocking chair in a Japanese style room looking out at some flower beds and a children’s play park that’s still empty but won’t be for long.

Maybe I’m just an undefined neurodivergent person who got far too good at what he was taught, and what he was taught was ‘more’. But he always knew it was empty.

Any rock will get worn down by the waves if it’s exposed for long enough. And the amount of greed that you see working with big tech just blows the mind. I used to recruit for investment bankers and even they didn’t compare. At least they were honest about their motivators.

But it’s just like that guy with his dog. They’ve been swallowed whole by fear and ego. They don’t look at their own shortcomings and blame it on others.

Do what you have to do before you do what you want to do. Well, I did what I had to do and I danced with those fuckers. No more.

Now I will recover and nurture myself. I’ll give myself space even from my family because I think I need quiet. Like an injured tiger. Got to stop running for a while and just rest.

I’ll go and sit under the shade of a parasol looking out in the woods and the mountains and start on a new knife and just take my time and not rush because there’s no real finish line apart from death. 

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