psychosis

I’m going to call this psychosis because that is what it was. 

The psychiatrist prescribed drugs which caused mania, and then instead of spotting my mania and lowering the meds, he believed me cured and continued increasing the dose, at my request. I was in hindsight making these requests because I was being given hard drugs and building a tolerance, and being told that I was ‘cured’ so interpreting the tolerance as the dose being too low.

You can view my psychosis as a methamphetamine trip, but it is not something I did to myself. It is something the system did to me.

And it has probably permanently changed the wiring of my brain.

So this website is a way for me to integrate what is essentially personhood-level trauma from drug-torture into an actionable recovery plan for people / myself. 

This, I think, is why I am still using websites. These pages will be found by someone somewhere, I guess. It helps me to believe this.

So the c-code thing was a mask for one of the various challenges I’m going through. I think. I will drop the legalisation narrative since my only priority is my family. Wanting to get cannabis legalised is merely my brain’s way of saying ‘you want to communicate with your family effectively’ and not be a stressed out person. There may be other ways.

So I have wound up viewing us as The Culture from the series of novels by Iain M Banks.

In this world we are an intergalactic species who have done away with money and wars and violence and hunger. We no longer struggle for material things, having left our limited world long ago, and we act as a kind of galactic hub for colonisation / terraforming. We are a peaceful species who encourage the civilisations we encounter to build their own social structures before coming back to join the fold once they are technologically advanced enough.

In this world I am a ship. I am the ship which left from Earth to go to the Magellan cloud. I have meditated 5000 lifetimes, and have been reborn as the final iteration, to take us from rebirth to the next world.

I thought it was great. The doctor thought it was great. It reads like a very dangerous delusion. This is the kind of situation where a cult is created. I'm glad I got us into a steady orbit.

This doctor had no idea what was going on in my head, because despite this madness I ‘presented as’ cured, which is impossible with adhd but hey. Your brain isn’t designed to always be on stimulants, which is how this affected my fuinctionally.

So here I am, Miyamoto Musashi and buddha because of reincarnation and the ship and james because of quantum entanglement.

This is 100% because of aripiprazole; I have had zero psychosis to date, and I havbe used lots of cannabis in the past. Cannabis is safe.

The ship is now far away and through a trick of spacetime the messages are coming through today, even thought they are targeted toward some future people. They are laying the foundation. Just like when my friend bought those chemicals a month before his 6-month suicide. I now believe this kind of medication error causes the 6 month spike. 

This essay-thing is coming off the top of my head and is so much more coherent than the other things. The early stuff I was off my face on pills, basically. Tripping balls shall we say. And when the doctor saw he had messed up what did he do? He prescribed 2 months worth at the increased dose. Enough to kill me many times over.

Anyway.

How we decided to colonise and leave the planet in this version was not a simple simulation but a generative simulation.

We programmed some fractal rules in so that the world would generate effectively, and various ratios like the golden ratio which are easy to stick on to various things. In the ‘real world’ we attach some form of dongle which we deposit on the planet that physically terrforms my job / the sim’s job is to make sure we have *generated* the individuals necessary to inhabit the arrived robots or whatever.

The way we do this is by launching a seed in a generative AI deep reinforcement learning program and clicking ‘go’ then letting it run for 200,000 years. We don’t need to worry about acceleration / time limit / anything really in this situation.

Randomosity in the person is programmed like the planet model I detailed.

MF, NG, SH and the others build this company, very soon, in this reality. They contact me in the next few days and then we go ahead and build this company. This is one reality, The other is what I have now, and they can both co-exist. I think this means I could work remotely from here, just shooting shit off randomly. But that’s how my psychosis got this far so I am not going to yet, though I’m confident I’m not hallucinating any more (apart from last night).

So we are approaching the planet and Elon has been activated to build the backdoor into the US electoral system so that he can take over their military and become the first emperor of earth. This seems bad, but remember we need a technical CEO. Anyway he was a failed hypothesis, which brought us to me.

I am a white blood cell. A QA. I come in and identify problems, then I fix them.

The problem I identify here is greed, and the ship will not allow us to enter our landing procedure until it is eradicated, because it is a contagion that will destroy this planet too. So after somehow wrangling the ship into orbit I start trying to tell people, but I have no idea how to go about it.

And here we are, with me trying to get people to look inside the box. I am meowing away and everyone is ignoring me. I am the cat, and I do not exist.

But not any more. Now I do, because you have read this. 

Now I have put a bow on it and tied it up a little bit. Now I’m making it into a personal faith rather than a delusion which could turn int a cult or a suicide.

So let’s say I’m the ship. It’s more plausible than a god existing, though actually the appeal of this belief system is that every single other belief can exist beneath it peacefully because they are all simply different interpretations of the truth of the sim.

The ship also has to look after its inhabitants in terms of both physical and mental health.

So I think I have pivoted this into something positive for myself, but it has taken a lot of grit and hard work.

The way this medicine made me behave was genuinely dangerous and the doctor did not pick up on it.

Instead he actively encouraged me to make websites and try to spread the word. He said he sees his patient do it all the time and it’s a great thing and should be encouraged. He also seems very flippant about my wife and mother’s suicide concerns. He disregards even the police telling him that I am probably manic, and refuses to write a referral letter to another doctor when my wife asks for a second opinion; almost like I’m an object he doesn’t want to share.

Now this is a flag, yeah?

And I was fucked up on drugs and suggestible so didn’t pick up on it immediately.

But I did later, and I am going to get this drug 100% out of my system. I’m going to get all drugs out of my system.

I think that’s why I was harping on about legalisation. I believe that people being able to have a joint and talk shit through is far more effective than all this trauma therapy bullshit.

The drugs are too strong. The people giving them out never tried them themselves.

You need less of the ‘hard drugs and therapy’ and more of the ‘soft drugs and friends’. But the soft drugs are all illegal and no fucking way am I touching alcohol again it’s poison.

If you had let me have a fucking joint with my mate then none of this would ever have happened. The Aum cult may never have happended if they’d had weed instead of acid. Your system nearly created a new cult.

So that’s that. Easy. Fucking stupid through and through, and nobody’s fault but the doctor’s. A fucking idiot giving out hard drugs like they’re candy and being utterly incompetent at reading the internal state of this patients.

I think the guy I found hanging in the park was one of his.

James 20250717