20250801

[2025/08/01, 3:51:57] James: I can feel some kind of spiritual understanding of the world settling into my bones and flesh as I sleep.

[2025/08/01, 3:52:05] James: Really deep rooted.

[2025/08/01, 7:39:17] James: .

[2025/08/01, 7:40:26] James: Morning

[2025/08/01, 7:40:35] James: I think the integration of the experience has begun

[2025/08/01, 7:40:46] James: I’m happy I recognised my need for recovery, finally

[2025/08/01, 7:41:06] James: And rather than running away to Phuket or for a cycling trip, I do it close to home

[2025/08/01, 7:41:28] James: On the chemical front I’m pretty down at the moment

[2025/08/01, 7:41:38] James: I’m suffering, but I know why

[2025/08/01, 7:41:55] James: Previously I don’t think I knew

[2025/08/01, 7:42:04] James: And it feels like the spiritual side is being integrated

[2025/08/01, 7:42:17] James: the idea of the ship

[2025/08/01, 7:42:42] James: That can be integrated as an idea of god

[2025/08/01, 7:42:44] James: Or fate

[2025/08/01, 7:43:05] James: It already is, in a way. But part of me is pushing it away. The pragmatist

[2025/08/01, 7:43:22] James: But keeping hold of that spiritual framework will be more pragmatic than throwing it out

[2025/08/01, 7:43:33] James: I’ve always needed more purpose than just ‘consume’

[2025/08/01, 7:43:49] James: So I’m in a recovery phase after… whatever the fuck happened

[2025/08/01, 7:43:55] James: 2 months without sleep

[2025/08/01, 19:42:00] James: .

[2025/08/01, 19:42:11] James: Tempted to try cannabis again but I’ll hold off

[2025/08/01, 19:42:22] James: I always revert to cannabis to pull me up when I’m in a low period

[2025/08/01, 19:42:30] James: This time I guess I’ll just ride it out and see

[2025/08/01, 19:42:37] James: I don’t think it’s inherently bad

[2025/08/01, 19:42:49] James: But using it to make the high periods higher could well exasperate things

[2025/08/01, 19:43:07] James: I don’t know if this doctor will have anything to improve my mood

[2025/08/01, 19:43:15] James: It didn’t go well last time

[2025/08/01, 19:43:27] James: I think my behavioural interventions are the best option

[2025/08/01, 19:43:28] James: Sleep

[2025/08/01, 19:43:31] James: Computer games

[2025/08/01, 19:43:37] James: Knife making

[2025/08/01, 19:43:40] James: That’s about it

[2025/08/01, 19:43:49] James: Some easy art. Nothing challenging.

[2025/08/01, 19:44:05] James: I think I’ll make this experience into a book, eventually

[2025/08/01, 19:44:13] James: But not yet. Not for a long while yet.

[2025/08/01, 19:44:18] James: Who was I

[2025/08/01, 19:44:32] James: I look at the photo on the chat and again it looks like a stranger

[2025/08/01, 19:44:38] James: My life has always been like this

[2025/08/01, 19:44:44] James: And this is on another level

[2025/08/01, 19:44:52] James: It’s good though

[2025/08/01, 19:45:01] James: I need to recover. My brain chemistry is low

[2025/08/01, 19:45:13] James: But I am still more engaged than before

[2025/08/01, 19:45:24] James: I’m snappy because of sheer exhaustion

[2025/08/01, 19:45:29] James: But I love my kids and wife more

[2025/08/01, 19:45:35] James: And I don’t hate myself so much

[2025/08/01, 19:45:50] James: Although I am rather confused on the ‘self’ front.

[2025/08/01, 19:45:54] James: Not sure what the fuck it is

[2025/08/01, 19:46:04] James: It probably doesn’t exist

[2025/08/01, 19:46:13] James: I see no evidence for a lasting self

[2025/08/01, 19:46:31] James: I have a body and the container is still the container but all the walls are different and the person in charge is new

[2025/08/01, 19:46:41] James: There is no self

[2025/08/01, 19:46:57] James: And there’s no self in my kids either, I guess

[2025/08/01, 19:47:00] James: Just a dance

[2025/08/01, 19:47:03] James: Of parts

[2025/08/01, 19:47:22] James: And volition and consciousness are all we have a modicum of control over

[2025/08/01, 19:47:31] James: So I guess try to give my kids some good volition

[2025/08/01, 19:47:42] James: I don’t know where I went wrong

[2025/08/01, 19:48:01] James: But I can see my 7 year old getting hooked on buying things and ‘just consuming’ already

[2025/08/01, 19:48:32] James: And I remember that 3 year old on the airplane flipping through TikTok like a pro while her mother got a wine

[2025/08/01, 19:48:42] James: She’s going to be fucked up for life

[2025/08/01, 19:48:45] James: Poor girl

[2025/08/01, 19:48:50] James: It’s like childhood obesity.

[2025/08/01, 19:49:17] James: The only time you can grow fat cells and obese kids end up with double the fat storing ability of non obese

[2025/08/01, 19:49:29] James: They’re fucked for life because of the choices of their parents

[2025/08/01, 19:49:43] James: Social media and TikTok and tv and consumption are all the same

[2025/08/01, 19:50:01] James: Our kids are so much happier since we stopped TV 18 months ago

[2025/08/01, 19:50:16] James: Second child in particular - very personable and outgoing

[2025/08/01, 19:50:29] James: But was glued to paw patrol and still gets sucked into the tv in an instant.

[2025/08/01, 19:51:07] James: My face still feels so slack

[2025/08/01, 19:51:26] James: I wonder if aripiprazole caused some kind of semi-stroke

[2025/08/01, 19:51:45] James: But it’s symmetrical so probably not

[2025/08/01, 19:51:53] James: A lot of the tension I carried is gone though

[2025/08/01, 19:52:06] James: And my adhd symptoms seem to be gone too

[2025/08/01, 19:52:23] James: Maybe aripiprazole sat on the receptors letting them recover

[2025/08/01, 19:52:30] James: Maybe scrubbing junk from the synapse

[2025/08/01, 19:52:35] James: Maybe all the meditation

[2025/08/01, 19:52:43] James: Maybe the fact it was a near death experience

[2025/08/01, 19:52:56] James: But all of those are impossible according to the bullshit narrative

[2025/08/01, 19:53:28] James: You’re not supposed to have lasting change for adhd once you stop your meds

[2025/08/01, 19:53:31] James: But I have it

[2025/08/01, 19:53:35] James: So what happened there?

[2025/08/01, 19:53:49] James: I guess people with my flavour of it might be able to be cured

[2025/08/01, 19:53:54] James: In a very dangerous manner

[2025/08/01, 19:54:00] James: Who fucking knows

[2025/08/01, 19:54:09] James: ADHD is fucking bullshit; that’s all I know

[2025/08/01, 19:54:28] James: It’s not a diagnosis. It’s a fucking sloppy catch all and the drugs used kill some of the people caught

[2025/08/01, 19:54:43] James: Fuck am I glad the aripiprazole ordeal is over though

[2025/08/01, 19:54:53] James: A rapidly shrinking cage

[2025/08/01, 19:55:03] James: Worse than any addiction to date

[2025/08/01, 19:55:17] James: And the new doctor confirmed: no addiction profile

[2025/08/01, 19:55:37] James: Well I told her what I thought, including the 6 months suicide being an expected effect and not a side effect

[2025/08/01, 19:55:52] James: She seemed to listen. Maybe she will look into it. Maybe make some noise

[2025/08/01, 19:56:00] James: Because everyone to date has been fucking useless

[2025/08/01, 19:56:11] James: Utterly, utterly useless

[2025/08/01, 19:56:18] James: They just don’t care

[2025/08/01, 19:56:23] James: Or they’ve given up fighting

[2025/08/01, 19:56:28] James: It’s one or the other

[2025/08/01, 19:56:43] James: Because the narrative is ‘you have it and I dont (and never will)’

[2025/08/01, 19:56:52] James: And ‘I have it and it is untreatable’

[2025/08/01, 19:56:57] James: Well that’s fucking bullshit

[2025/08/01, 19:57:01] James: Fuck you

[2025/08/01, 19:57:10] James: Give us a better narrative

[2025/08/01, 19:57:22] James: Fucks sake

[2025/08/01, 19:57:39] James: Anyway my life is still here and probably better than ever

[2025/08/01, 19:57:53] James: Still no idea what the fuck happened though