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[2025/08/03, 10:21:51] James: My head was getting noisy around the cheekbones so I had a nap

[2025/08/03, 10:23:00] James: I’m not sure if nap is the right word

[2025/08/03, 10:23:27] James: This was an intentional sleep to try to encourage a real-time re-wiring of the brain

[2025/08/03, 10:23:37] James: I have started working on my core personality flaws again

[2025/08/03, 10:23:48] James: And that kind of neuroplasticity necessitates unconsciousness

[2025/08/03, 10:24:05] James: 80 minutes later (no longer 3 minutes!)

[2025/08/03, 10:24:14] James: And the noise is lessened / gone

[2025/08/03, 10:24:35] James: I am planning to take my second child, 5 year old, for blueberry picking, onsen and beach camping today

[2025/08/03, 10:24:45] James: Really looking forward to it despite my exhausted state

[2025/08/03, 10:24:57] James: So this was part of preparing for that

[2025/08/03, 10:25:14] James: I think I need to head back now and do the physical preparation. Should be fun though

[2025/08/03, 10:25:23] James: He’s a great kid but he was born right at the start of Covid

[2025/08/03, 10:25:37] James: I was working my ass off and training to self medicate

[2025/08/03, 10:25:46] James: I ignored him for a large part of his early life

[2025/08/03, 10:25:56] James: Not ignored. I tried to give him the love I wanted to

[2025/08/03, 10:26:06] James: But I was so overwhelmed with the weight of the world

[2025/08/03, 10:26:21] James: These self imposed things that I never knew were self imposed

[2025/08/03, 10:26:40] James: The need to get everything nice and lined up on my way to the grave

[2025/08/03, 10:26:49] James: Things will never be lined up

[2025/08/03, 10:26:56] James: The Dukkha is always there

[2025/08/03, 10:27:22] James: The ‘wobbly wheel’ of life

[2025/08/03, 10:27:48] James: But it’s about learning to love the wobble, I guess. A work in progress for me. But I’m a lot further along than I was

[2025/08/03, 10:28:01] James: So let’s not regress and let’s take this forward

[2025/08/03, 10:28:02] James: Slowly

[2025/08/03, 10:28:05] James: No pressure

[2025/08/03, 10:28:18] James: The personal change will never be finished and lined up either

[2025/08/03, 11:21:24] James: .

[2025/08/03, 11:21:26] James: Huh

[2025/08/03, 11:21:34] James: I actually don’t care about this relationship at all

[2025/08/03, 11:21:45] James: The guy viewed me as a tool to change jobs multiple times.

[2025/08/03, 11:21:59] James: He got what he wanted and that’s it in his mind

[2025/08/03, 11:22:05] James: Transactional

[2025/08/03, 11:22:44] James: What I care about is the fact I acted through anger

[2025/08/03, 11:22:51] James: But I was under the influence of those drugs

[2025/08/03, 11:22:55] James: And mid breakdown

[2025/08/03, 11:23:33] James: And I don’t care for him really

[2025/08/03, 11:23:40] James: He added nothing to my life

[2025/08/03, 11:23:44] James: Didn’t take anything away either

[2025/08/03, 11:23:49] James: Was just a blank

[2025/08/03, 11:23:56] James: But a relic of my old reputation I guess

[2025/08/03, 11:23:58] James: Fuck that shit

[2025/08/03, 12:23:05] James: .

[2025/08/03, 12:23:07] James: Huh.

[2025/08/03, 12:23:08] James: Yeah

[2025/08/03, 12:23:16] James: All these relationships are with the imagined person

[2025/08/03, 12:23:20] James: They are with myself

[2025/08/03, 12:23:40] James: This is a proxy for my dissatisfaction with my anger

[2025/08/03, 12:23:50] James: And the way to fix it is not to try to fix the relationship

[2025/08/03, 12:23:58] James: But to uproot the anger

[2025/08/03, 16:08:49] James: .

[2025/08/03, 16:08:52] James: Hmm maybe that’s why

[2025/08/03, 16:09:13] James: I had a single normal coffee this morning

[2025/08/03, 16:09:21] James: Maybe that’s why I couldn’t settle until 2

[2025/08/03, 16:09:29] James: Made me tired too…?

[2025/08/03, 16:09:30] James: .

[2025/08/03, 16:37:35] James: Ha

[2025/08/03, 16:37:38] James: Just stepped in

[2025/08/03, 16:37:50] James: A guy was riding his jet ski closer and closer to a group of 10 kids

[2025/08/03, 16:37:54] James: Spraying them with the propellor

[2025/08/03, 16:37:58] James: More and more dangerous

[2025/08/03, 16:38:03] James: They were loving it

[2025/08/03, 16:38:09] James: I had to stop him

[2025/08/03, 16:38:13] James: Because it was dangerous

[2025/08/03, 16:38:15] James: He stopped

[2025/08/03, 16:38:24] James: Let’s see if he comes to start something afterward

[2025/08/03, 16:38:36] James: My only concern was that it was physically dangerous

[2025/08/03, 16:38:51] James: He may be good on the machine but it is blades, and water is unpredictable

[2025/08/03, 16:39:05] James: Got a bit of adrenaline ha

[2025/08/03, 16:39:12] James: But this isn’t me starting a fight

[2025/08/03, 16:39:19] James: This is me stopping someone doing dangerous shit

[2025/08/03, 16:39:22] James: So it’s all good

[2025/08/03, 16:40:14] James: Spoiled their fun

[2025/08/03, 16:40:28] James: But maybe stopped one of the little girls getting lacerated