20250805

[2025/08/05, 7:04:58] James: You are a tiger in a cage

[2025/08/05, 7:05:01] James: Curate the cage

[2025/08/05, 7:05:11] James: Best brain chemistry for the largest number of people

[2025/08/05, 9:01:04] James: Reputation is one of the more insidious ways we give away our souls

[2025/08/05, 10:41:40] James: .

[2025/08/05, 10:41:51] James: Just went back to my old house to talk with a neughbour about him feeding strays

[2025/08/05, 10:41:55] James: He came into my living room

[2025/08/05, 10:41:59] James: And I asked him to be nice

[2025/08/05, 10:42:05] James: And he just laid in with racist language

[2025/08/05, 10:42:09] James: Rudeness after rudeness

[2025/08/05, 10:42:17] James: This house..

[2025/08/05, 10:42:21] James: I can’t be here any more

[2025/08/05, 10:42:23] James: Never

[2025/08/05, 10:42:25] James: I hate it

[2025/08/05, 10:42:30] James: It has so many bad memories

[2025/08/05, 10:42:39] James: And every time I come back it pushes me closer to suicide

[2025/08/05, 10:42:48] James: I ended up driving to the place where I found that corpse

[2025/08/05, 10:42:52] James: It seemed very peaceful

[2025/08/05, 10:43:05] James: I just want peace

[2025/08/05, 10:43:13] James: But that’s not the way

[2025/08/05, 10:43:18] James: The way is to sell the old house

[2025/08/05, 10:43:21] James: Cut ties with the past

[2025/08/05, 10:43:25] James: Get rid of that old self

[2025/08/05, 10:43:33] James: And the old shit that he was surrounded with

[2025/08/05, 10:43:48] James: I see no other way

[2025/08/05, 11:48:35] James: .

[2025/08/05, 11:48:41] James: Still fragile I guess

[2025/08/05, 11:49:26] James: These things hurt me far more than they used to

[2025/08/05, 11:49:44] James: I maybe don’t have RSD but neither do I have any defence mechanisms

[2025/08/05, 11:50:24] James: Things cut right to the bone

[2025/08/05, 11:50:33] James: The guy was a rude racist fuck in my house

[2025/08/05, 11:50:41] James: But I would not usually have gotten that angry

[2025/08/05, 11:50:54] James: I’m … 3.5 weeks away from aripiprazole

[2025/08/05, 11:51:04] James: And the recovery arc is 6 months

[2025/08/05, 11:51:09] James: With the first 3 being acute

[2025/08/05, 11:51:26] James: Plus it was probably worse for me because of the likely epilepsy

[2025/08/05, 11:51:41] James: Whatever I experienced wasn’t usual, even for an extrapyramidal response

[2025/08/05, 11:51:48] James: This was like 3 bad things rolled into one

[2025/08/05, 11:52:08] James: Total addiction and a total destruction of person

[2025/08/05, 11:52:21] James: I guess only part of me survived

[2025/08/05, 11:52:24] James: I am missing memories

[2025/08/05, 11:52:30] James: Which is bad

[2025/08/05, 11:52:39] James: But I’m missing some learned behaviours

[2025/08/05, 11:52:41] James: Which is good

[2025/08/05, 11:53:11] James: But the anger is probably worse than before

[2025/08/05, 11:53:18] James: Temporarily

[2025/08/05, 11:53:20] James: Not worse

[2025/08/05, 11:53:27] James: More explosive, less restrained

[2025/08/05, 11:53:34] James: Because I lost the learner behaviours

[2025/08/05, 11:55:31] James: So there are learned behaviours which are good to be gone

[2025/08/05, 11:55:48] James: The greed and compulsion

[2025/08/05, 11:56:05] James: But there are other learned behaviours which I somehow need to get back

[2025/08/05, 11:56:09] James: The self restraint

[2025/08/05, 11:56:15] James: Then again I’m on valproate only.

[2025/08/05, 11:56:24] James: That increases gaba which makes you less inhibited

[2025/08/05, 12:43:59] James: .

[2025/08/05, 12:44:12] James: So sitting by the river my anger melted away immediately

[2025/08/05, 12:45:33] James: I seem to be only able to live in the moment

[2025/08/05, 13:33:51] James: .

[2025/08/05, 13:34:04] James: So yeah I guess this medicine completely wiped my volitional action

[2025/08/05, 13:34:16] James: I’ve forgotten many of my learned behaviours regarding how to interact

[2025/08/05, 13:34:24] James: My defence mechanisms are gone

[2025/08/05, 13:34:29] James: This means I’m like a raw nerve

[2025/08/05, 13:34:38] James: The joy is joyous and the pain is agony

[2025/08/05, 13:34:51] James: Previously the pain was agony and I had no joy so that’s a step up

[2025/08/05, 13:34:56] James: But it’s volatile

[2025/08/05, 13:35:07] James: I can flip up or down in an instant

[2025/08/05, 13:35:39] James: Still early days for recovery though

[2025/08/05, 13:35:50] James: And I can’t be bothered apologising to anyone for who I am any more

[2025/08/05, 13:36:04] James: I asked him not to be a dick and he was a racist cunt in my living room

[2025/08/05, 13:37:54] James: What the fuck though

[2025/08/05, 13:38:03] James: My brain is like scrambled eggs

[2025/08/05, 13:38:09] James: Like a fucking omelette

[2025/08/05, 13:38:13] James: It can’t be unscrambled

[2025/08/05, 13:38:19] James: In a way it’s clearer than ever

[2025/08/05, 13:38:26] James: The highways of thought have been laid

[2025/08/05, 13:38:40] James: But all the smaller major roads are yet to be built

[2025/08/05, 13:38:46] James: Never mind the minor roads and suburbs

[2025/08/05, 13:39:00] James: The core is there but it needs to connect with the discombobulated behaviours

[2025/08/05, 13:39:12] James: They should still be in the soup somewhere, floating around

[2025/08/05, 13:39:32] James: But I can’t access or use them yet

[2025/08/05, 13:39:39] James: I only have the highways

[2025/08/05, 13:39:52] James: That’s a fairly good analogy I think

[2025/08/05, 13:40:05] James: I need quiet and peace so that I can let these roads be laid

[2025/08/05, 13:40:21] James: I need to avoid conflict and practice mindfulness

[2025/08/05, 13:40:36] James: The brain is strong but it’s jelly

[2025/08/05, 13:40:47] James: It needs moulding into a new shape