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[2025/08/07, 13:08:49] James: I’ll not bother with the Rispiridone for now

[2025/08/07, 13:09:07] James: I think that guanfacine might be enough

[2025/08/07, 13:09:19] James: Too many drugs for too long fucking me up

[2025/08/07, 13:09:42] James: Daily cannabis has far fewer adverse effects

[2025/08/07, 13:09:57] James: But now I’m not even on caffeine never mind weed

[2025/08/07, 13:10:07] James: So we know any effect is the meds

[2025/08/07, 15:42:53] James: .

[2025/08/07, 15:42:59] James: Fighting with them is what makes you sick

[2025/08/07, 15:43:05] James: That’s a valid insight

[2025/08/07, 15:43:14] James: You don’t want to fight the contagious people

[2025/08/07, 15:43:25] James: The Trumps. The racists. The scammers.

[2025/08/07, 15:43:36] James: They will make you sick with their disease

[2025/08/07, 15:43:42] James: You will become one of them

[2025/08/07, 16:53:57] James: .

[2025/08/07, 16:54:06] James: Before running conversations through your mind

[2025/08/07, 16:54:14] James: Think about why you are doing so

[2025/08/07, 16:54:23] James: Is the topic important?

[2025/08/07, 16:54:32] James: Is it motivated by a good intention?

[2025/08/07, 16:54:49] James: Or is it motivated by a desire to preserve reputation, possession, appearances, etc

[2025/08/07, 16:55:22] James: If the latter, let it fall away

[2025/08/07, 16:55:35] James: Do not rehearse because you are ingraining karma just by doing so

[2025/08/07, 16:55:43] James: Installing bad mods into your sim

[2025/08/07, 16:55:49] James: Only rehearse the good

[2025/08/07, 16:55:56] James: And even then, only as necessary

[2025/08/07, 18:46:12] James: .

[2025/08/07, 18:46:19] James: Today has been so peaceful

[2025/08/07, 18:46:35] James: I’m confident the valproate was making me depressed and limiting my brain's ability to rebuild itself

[2025/08/07, 18:46:42] James: My memories seem a lot easier to access already

[2025/08/07, 18:47:09] James: And all the behavioural things I had instigated (apart from knives) had disappeared from my mind after just a few days on the increased dose

[2025/08/07, 18:47:13] James: Now they are returning

[2025/08/07, 18:47:20] James: Today I have been alone in the new house

[2025/08/07, 18:47:22] James: Rainy day

[2025/08/07, 18:47:25] James: No kids no wife

[2025/08/07, 18:47:31] James: I can’t remember having such peace

[2025/08/07, 18:47:37] James: …

[2025/08/07, 18:47:39] James: Ever?

[2025/08/07, 18:47:55] James: I don’t think I had this peace in Tokyo even before meeting her; I was always craving something

[2025/08/07, 18:48:14] James: Maybe in Thailand when we settled and got our weed supply

[2025/08/07, 18:48:17] James: Those were good days

[2025/08/07, 18:48:26] James: On the balcony in a deserted condo on a golf course

[2025/08/07, 18:48:37] James: Closest human being a couple of kilometers away

[2025/08/07, 18:48:44] James: Today it’s just been me

[2025/08/07, 18:48:47] James: Woke up

[2025/08/07, 18:48:51] James: Wrote

[2025/08/07, 18:49:01] James: Spinach smoothie and plenty of decaf

[2025/08/07, 18:49:04] James: Did a knife for a bit

[2025/08/07, 18:49:11] James: Oiled some others

[2025/08/07, 18:49:18] James: Played an RPG

[2025/08/07, 18:49:21] James: More knife

[2025/08/07, 18:49:28] James: Walk to the shop for ice cream and lunch

[2025/08/07, 18:49:34] James: More games and knife

[2025/08/07, 18:49:47] James: Casually photographing some to put online for sale

[2025/08/07, 18:49:59] James: A little art; nothing intense

[2025/08/07, 18:50:07] James: Put the knives online

[2025/08/07, 18:50:09] James: That’s about it

[2025/08/07, 18:50:15] James: It’s all been pretty effortless

[2025/08/07, 18:50:22] James: How I have rushed around all these years

[2025/08/07, 18:50:25] James: Never resting

[2025/08/07, 18:50:31] James: Even when I burned out over and over

[2025/08/07, 18:50:40] James: I would just consume something

[2025/08/07, 18:50:45] James: Weed. Booze. Food.

[2025/08/07, 18:51:03] James: Violent games. Violent movies.

[2025/08/07, 18:51:19] James: Not the best of nutriments when your brain has caved and needs to rebuild

[2025/08/07, 18:51:26] James: I guess that’s why it got worse over the years

[2025/08/07, 18:51:32] James: I never actually allowed myself to rest

[2025/08/07, 18:51:41] James: I just filled those periods with self hate and abuse

[2025/08/07, 18:51:53] James: And came out even angrier and emptier

[2025/08/07, 18:51:59] James: Anything for that dopamine hit

[2025/08/07, 18:52:03] James: Get it higher!

[2025/08/07, 18:52:14] James: Then back on the horse and back into the cycle of rebirth

[2025/08/07, 18:52:18] James: No more

[2025/08/07, 18:52:21] James: Now I rest