20250808

[2025/08/08, 17:43:58] James: There is beauty in the world again

[2025/08/08, 17:44:06] James: After 2 days of lower valproate and rest

[2025/08/08, 17:44:36] James: I’m going to stop texting and enjoy the walk

[2025/08/08, 19:23:01] James: .

[2025/08/08, 19:23:02] James: Hmmm

[2025/08/08, 19:23:22] James: Interacting with those people on reddit seems to have increased phasic dopamine

[2025/08/08, 19:23:29] James: I suppose that makes sense

[2025/08/08, 19:24:01] James: I don’t care about their opinions

[2025/08/08, 19:24:04] James: Or my reputation

[2025/08/08, 19:24:11] James: But I guess I do care whether they listen

[2025/08/08, 19:24:25] James: At least they’ve allowed the conversation to proceed

[2025/08/08, 19:24:31] James: Because it’s an important conversation

[2025/08/08, 19:24:50] James: 3 years down the line after even more bans, innocent stoners are going to be hooked on crack

[2025/08/08, 19:24:53] James: Or something else

[2025/08/08, 19:25:03] James: Whatever it is, it’s not going to be good

[2025/08/08, 19:25:09] James: At least I’m out of that now

[2025/08/08, 19:25:23] James: I guess it’s their choice to make

[2025/08/08, 19:25:30] James: And I was getting a bit attached to the outcome

[2025/08/08, 19:25:35] James: The idea that I could help some people

[2025/08/08, 19:25:38] James: Well maybe it will

[2025/08/08, 19:25:49] James: Maybe someone will read it and think ‘wait a minute’

[2025/08/08, 19:25:52] James: Many of them won’t

[2025/08/08, 19:25:56] James: But I wouldn’t have either

[2025/08/08, 19:25:59] James: So that’s fine

[2025/08/08, 19:26:03] James: That’s the nature of addiction

[2025/08/08, 19:26:11] James: I hope that mod is ok

[2025/08/08, 19:26:28] James: I’ve been there

[2025/08/08, 19:26:38] James: But it’s not as bad as aripiprazole by a long shot

[2025/08/08, 19:26:48] James: Fuck me that was every addiction rolled into one

[2025/08/08, 19:27:09] James: But 3 years down the line

[2025/08/08, 19:27:15] James: You don’t want to be in the pocket of the yaks

[2025/08/08, 19:27:26] James: I think I said something rude though so will log on quickly to fix it

[2025/08/08, 19:40:09] James: .

[2025/08/08, 19:40:10] James: Haha

[2025/08/08, 19:40:15] James: Tried to and they’ve blocked me again

[2025/08/08, 19:40:18] James: Haha

[2025/08/08, 19:40:19] James: Oh well

[2025/08/08, 19:40:27] James: Can’t talk to an addict I guess

[2025/08/08, 19:40:57] James: At least it seems like the people on H4CBH are still able to take breaks

[2025/08/08, 19:41:02] James: So the concern is more for the future

[2025/08/08, 19:41:06] James: Their problem, I guess

[2025/08/08, 19:41:14] James: I won’t be touchig those synthetics again

[2025/08/08, 19:41:24] James: But nor will I bother trying to talk to them about it

[2025/08/08, 19:41:33] James: Waste of time and I can do without the dopamine

[2025/08/08, 19:41:35] James: Sigh

[2025/08/08, 19:41:42] James: Step back from the world James

[2025/08/08, 19:41:44] James: Recover

[2025/08/08, 19:41:57] James: You’ll never win against chemicals

[2025/08/08, 19:42:05] James: Don't even try

[2025/08/08, 19:50:32] James: .

[2025/08/08, 19:50:36] James: This is interesting

[2025/08/08, 19:50:51] James: They have banned me from reddit; I can’t do anything for 7 days

[2025/08/08, 19:50:58] James: Yet the conversation is ongoing

[2025/08/08, 19:51:04] James: And I keep getting notifications

[2025/08/08, 19:51:11] James: Some people are saying batshit insane

[2025/08/08, 19:51:25] James: But the post is still in the green; still more upvotes than downvotes

[2025/08/08, 19:51:31] James: I don’t actually care

[2025/08/08, 19:51:36] James: That’s the most interesting thing

[2025/08/08, 19:51:47] James: Previously it would have eaten me up inside

[2025/08/08, 19:51:58] James: Being unable to talk back while people talk about me

[2025/08/08, 19:52:00] James: Now…

[2025/08/08, 19:52:04] James: I just view them as children

[2025/08/08, 19:52:16] James: I hurt their feelings I guess

[2025/08/08, 19:52:21] James: Spoiled their party

[2025/08/08, 19:52:27] James: Told them they might be killing people

[2025/08/08, 19:52:32] James: Because that’s how I would feel

[2025/08/08, 19:52:38] James: If I was recommending mystery drugs

[2025/08/08, 19:52:52] James: Back in the THCO days I so nearly built a company importing these things

[2025/08/08, 19:52:59] James: Saw it was a great way to make fast cash

[2025/08/08, 19:53:04] James: And I think cannabis is awesome

[2025/08/08, 19:53:15] James: But I didn’t

[2025/08/08, 19:53:21] James: I had just quit alcohol permanently

[2025/08/08, 19:53:35] James: And didn’t want to be a force for creating addiction

[2025/08/08, 19:53:42] James: The legality wasn’t an issue

[2025/08/08, 19:53:57] James: It was not wanting to cause other people harm in the way that I earned a living

[2025/08/08, 19:54:10] James: So if I was them

[2025/08/08, 19:54:17] James: I’d be worried that I was hurting people

[2025/08/08, 19:54:31] James: Encouraging unknowing kids to ingest mystery substances

[2025/08/08, 19:54:51] James: But most people don’t want to look themselves in the mirror, really

[2025/08/08, 19:55:08] James: They would rather block someone and pretend it’s not an issue

[2025/08/08, 19:55:14] James: But somewhere they know, deep down

[2025/08/08, 19:55:21] James: That what they’re doing probably isn’t ‘good’

[2025/08/08, 19:55:30] James: I don’t know

[2025/08/08, 19:55:34] James: Maybe I’m overthinking it

[2025/08/08, 19:55:42] James: But that forum feels more and more like a crack den

[2025/08/08, 19:55:49] James: It never felt like that at the start

[2025/08/08, 19:56:01] James: And I can only assume it’s because of worsening addiction to unknown substances

[2025/08/08, 19:56:16] James: And they’re all like ‘you’re cray cray’ thinking it’s weed

[2025/08/08, 19:56:17] James: Ha

[2025/08/08, 19:56:34] James: It’s fucking shit the doctor prescribed which had a totally unexpected effect

[2025/08/08, 19:56:42] James: Like - unrecorded level unexpected

[2025/08/08, 19:56:51] James: Probably left me a little crazy to be honest

[2025/08/08, 19:56:54] James: But fuck it

[2025/08/08, 19:56:57] James: Better than being dead

[2025/08/08, 19:57:02] James: Which was the other option

[2025/08/08, 19:57:08] James: That fucking doctor man

[2025/08/08, 19:57:15] James: I’m going to have to do something about him

[2025/08/08, 19:57:25] James: Trying to turn me and my wife against each other. And he’s done it before

[2025/08/08, 19:57:27] James: But not yet

[2025/08/08, 19:57:36] James: I’m obviously still spikey on the dopamine front

[2025/08/08, 19:57:39] James: More tonic dopamine

[2025/08/08, 19:57:43] James: Less phasic dopamine

[2025/08/08, 19:58:01] James: The reddit thing was a good experiment

[2025/08/08, 19:58:23] James: Showed me that I just need to take it easy a bit longer

[2025/08/08, 19:58:28] James: Ha

[2025/08/08, 19:58:49] James: What, you mean a month isn’t enough to recover from 2 months insanity?

[2025/08/08, 19:59:00] James: 3 years internal experience?

[2025/08/08, 19:59:16] James: What was it - 3 months to get dopamine back to about baseline

[2025/08/08, 19:59:23] James: What I said was valid

[2025/08/08, 19:59:40] James: But how I said it might have been spikey. Lots of short messages. Not really caring what people think

[2025/08/08, 19:59:47] James: I need to learn to pretend to care, I guess

[2025/08/08, 19:59:59] James: Most people are weirded out if you don’t do a little fluffing

[2025/08/08, 20:00:11] James: But then again, most people care about their reputation

[2025/08/08, 20:00:18] James: I think I actively want to destroy mine

[2025/08/08, 20:00:22] James: So I can be free from it

[2025/08/08, 20:00:26] James: That fucking reputation

[2025/08/08, 20:00:44] James: Businessboy and Ironman. Soberista and full time father.

[2025/08/08, 20:00:49] James: Fucking hell maintaining it

[2025/08/08, 20:00:56] James: Even thinking about putting those masks on again

[2025/08/08, 20:01:02] James: Father and sober stay though

[2025/08/08, 20:01:05] James: But everything else

[2025/08/08, 20:01:07] James: Fuck that shit

[2025/08/08, 20:01:14] James: Happier without it

[2025/08/08, 20:01:19] James: Happier without weed

[2025/08/08, 20:01:23] James: Happier without booze

[2025/08/08, 20:01:39] James: Happier without the psych meds

[2025/08/08, 20:01:49] James: Just happier in general

[2025/08/08, 20:01:52] James: But still unstable

[2025/08/08, 20:01:56] James: So focus on stability

[2025/08/08, 20:02:13] James: I do hope the government changes something soon though

[2025/08/08, 20:02:18] James: Either legalise cannabis

[2025/08/08, 20:02:30] James: Or make everything psychotropic illegal, like in the UK

[2025/08/08, 20:02:37] James: Because their current approach is going to kill people

[2025/08/08, 20:02:44] James: It’s only a matter of time

[2025/08/08, 20:03:06] James: Even if it’s just through medicine interactions

[2025/08/08, 20:03:55] James: Even grapefruit juice can make some meds lethal

[2025/08/08, 20:03:58] James: Anyway whatever

[2025/08/08, 20:04:24] James: Unable to handle a real conversation I guess

[2025/08/08, 20:04:29] James: So not worth conversing with

[2025/08/08, 20:04:38] James: Time for a bath!

[2025/08/08, 20:04:43] James: And then a bit more computer game

[2025/08/08, 20:04:59] James: And to see if this big fucking knife I’ve made can be sold legally on Mercari, ha

[2025/08/08, 20:05:13] James: Because what would make a better butcher knife than a fucking samurai sword?

[2025/08/08, 20:05:20] James: Heh

[2025/08/08, 20:35:06] James: .

[2025/08/08, 20:35:22] James: It’s pretty cool after all these years as a recruiter to be able to just not give a fuck what people think

[2025/08/08, 20:36:10] James: You want to help them

[2025/08/08, 20:36:16] James: You slap their hand away from a hot stove

[2025/08/08, 20:36:22] James: They won’t like you for it

[2025/08/08, 20:36:27] James: But who gives a fuck

[2025/08/08, 20:36:32] James: I can finally say that and mean it

[2025/08/08, 20:36:37] James: It’s not from a place of …

[2025/08/08, 20:36:50] James: How would you say? Self-denial?

[2025/08/08, 20:36:58] James: What was it before when I said it?

[2025/08/08, 20:37:04] James: It was a defence mechanism

[2025/08/08, 20:37:07] James: That’s what

[2025/08/08, 20:37:11] James: Now I actually don’t care

[2025/08/08, 20:37:18] James: Aripiprazole definitely did something

[2025/08/08, 20:37:22] James: All the fucking meditation

[2025/08/08, 20:37:25] James: Exporting the greed

[2025/08/08, 20:37:29] James: The greed for reputation

[2025/08/08, 20:37:32] James: For being respected

[2025/08/08, 20:37:34] James: That’s

[2025/08/08, 20:37:37] James: Almost gone

[2025/08/08, 20:37:38] James: Not quite

[2025/08/08, 20:37:45] James: Money and stuff is totally gone

[2025/08/08, 20:37:58] James: Reputation - I guess that’s gone too

[2025/08/08, 20:38:14] James: But I get frustrated when people ignore facts because they’re inconvenient

[2025/08/08, 20:38:25] James: Or not facts; possibilities and conversations

[2025/08/08, 20:38:31] James: I’ve been addicted before though

[2025/08/08, 20:38:39] James: It’s just the nature of the beast

[2025/08/08, 20:38:47] James: Thank fuck I’m not there now

[2025/08/08, 20:38:59] James: All those times, the dopamine latch just flipped to another thing

[2025/08/08, 20:39:09] James: Alcohol to work to training to weed to art to …

[2025/08/08, 20:39:12] James: And always growing

[2025/08/08, 20:39:18] James: Because the mechanism is the same

[2025/08/08, 20:39:21] James: Dopamine

[2025/08/08, 20:39:22] James: That’s it

[2025/08/08, 20:39:23] James: Simple

[2025/08/08, 20:39:30] James: So I needed to get that dopamine under control

[2025/08/08, 20:39:36] James: And aripiprazole actually enabled that

[2025/08/08, 20:39:46] James: I’m amazed I survived

[2025/08/08, 20:39:50] James: But I’ve come out better

[2025/08/08, 20:39:58] James: Like a fresh start at age 41

[2025/08/08, 20:40:04] James: Fucking wild really

[2025/08/08, 20:40:28] James: I thought I’d reached the end and when that suicide body planted the seed, my phasic dopamine kept watering it

[2025/08/08, 20:40:36] James: It seems that all you need to do to kill a seed

[2025/08/08, 20:40:40] James: Is to stop watering it

[2025/08/08, 20:40:46] James: Stop seeking thrills of any kind

[2025/08/08, 20:40:52] James: Because they’re all the same

[2025/08/08, 20:41:02] James: And that dopamine latch can flip over to suicide or self harm

[2025/08/08, 20:41:07] James: And then you’re fucked really

[2025/08/08, 20:41:15] James: So let’s polish knives

[2025/08/08, 20:41:19] James: And read books

[2025/08/08, 20:41:29] James: And play nice games where you save the world; but not too much

[2025/08/08, 20:41:34] James: Sleep at the same time

[2025/08/08, 20:41:40] James: Eat plenty of veg

[2025/08/08, 20:41:48] James: Just… be

[2025/08/08, 20:41:58] James: Something I don’t think I’ve ever done before

[2025/08/08, 20:42:12] James: Nothing really matters apart from my family

[2025/08/08, 20:42:17] James: That’s what the whole thing showed me

[2025/08/08, 20:42:27] James: And each of these little discourses just reinforce the fact

[2025/08/08, 20:42:41] James: That my intentions and actions are finally aligned

[2025/08/08, 20:42:54] James: And I genuinely don’t care about reputation any more

[2025/08/08, 20:42:57] James: Or possessions

[2025/08/08, 20:43:02] James: I care about dhamma

[2025/08/08, 20:43:04] James: About truth

[2025/08/08, 20:43:27] James: And regrettably, weed spikes phasic dopamine so causes suffering

[2025/08/08, 20:43:40] James: Because that dopamine flips to other things on occasion

[2025/08/08, 20:43:49] James: So who knows

[2025/08/08, 20:43:55] James: When this whole recovery is over

[2025/08/08, 20:44:01] James: Maybe I won’t even want weed any more

[2025/08/08, 20:44:09] James: It’s pretty fun though to be honest

[2025/08/08, 20:44:13] James: Being a new person at this age

[2025/08/08, 20:44:16] James: Testing the waters

[2025/08/08, 20:44:35] James: I could already speak with CEOs of  blahdeblah like they were old mates

[2025/08/08, 20:44:48] James: In fact they were the easiest to talk to for me; lots of shared traits

[2025/08/08, 20:44:52] James: But now…

[2025/08/08, 20:45:07] James: I just wouldn’t care what they thought

[2025/08/08, 20:45:24] James: It irritates me when someone is too dumb or pigheaded to see the truth

[2025/08/08, 20:45:33] James: Or at least to have a real conversation

[2025/08/08, 20:45:57] James: But I don’t ‘care’

[2025/08/08, 20:45:58] James: No more RSD

[2025/08/08, 20:45:58] James: That’s a fucking memory of a memory and how that happened I have no idea

[2025/08/08, 20:46:03] James: It’s supposed to be a defining feature of adhd

[2025/08/08, 20:46:10] James: But maybe I just had ptsd

[2025/08/08, 20:46:36] James: Still impulsive though. Probably adhd. But it’s like I’ve been reset to a 10 year old and all that violence at school never happened

[2025/08/08, 20:46:57] James: So my fight or flight response kinda fires up like a relic but then realises ‘wait - this isn’t what we do any more’

[2025/08/08, 20:47:18] James: Anyway probably better ways to help people than diving into a drug den and telling them their drugs are bad

[2025/08/08, 20:47:19] James: Hahaha

[2025/08/08, 20:47:32] James: How did you really expect it to go, Jambo my man?

[2025/08/08, 20:47:42] James: Fucking white blood cells only work in their host body

[2025/08/08, 20:47:54] James: Better to work with Fred and the others to build those companies

[2025/08/08, 20:48:04] James: Really try to build the systems. The medication matching

[2025/08/08, 20:48:17] James: Fred already has the MRIs. He has the investment and experience.

[2025/08/08, 20:48:23] James: You have the crazy

[2025/08/08, 20:48:24] James: Ha

[2025/08/08, 20:48:28] James: A little too much right now

[2025/08/08, 20:48:37] James: But he’s a bit crazy too - it’s why he’s done all he’s done

[2025/08/08, 20:48:53] James: Great guy. One of the few who stayed solid when I lost my shit

[2025/08/08, 20:49:08] James: While people closer dropped me

[2025/08/08, 20:49:18] James: I guess they didn’t know what to say

[2025/08/08, 20:49:25] James: But if someone is crying out for help..

[2025/08/08, 20:49:28] James: Say something

[2025/08/08, 20:49:35] James: That’s why they are crying out

[2025/08/08, 20:49:55] James: I suppose everyone has their limits

[2025/08/08, 20:50:00] James: Empathy supersphere stuff

[2025/08/08, 20:50:20] James: And the people who stuck around are pretty close to me on several planes

[2025/08/08, 20:50:36] James: Good stuff

[2025/08/08, 20:50:40] James: Looking forward to the future

[2025/08/08, 20:52:25] James: But instead of painting an ideal

[2025/08/08, 20:52:28] James: And striving toward it

[2025/08/08, 20:52:33] James: Let’s just let it happen this time

[2025/08/08, 20:52:46] James: You already did enough striving. And you achieved all the things.

[2025/08/08, 20:52:50] James: And it left you wanting to die

[2025/08/08, 20:52:57] James: Lucky to still be here

[2025/08/08, 20:52:59] James: So let’s enjoy

[2025/08/08, 20:53:07] James: And make some knives!

[2025/08/08, 21:30:39] James: .

[2025/08/08, 21:30:41] James: Hmm

[2025/08/08, 21:30:48] James: But I still don’t like upsetting people

[2025/08/08, 21:31:28] James: ‘There never was, there never will be, nor is there now, a person who is wholly blamed or wholly praised.’

[2025/08/08, 21:31:31] James: Thanks b-man

[2025/08/08, 21:31:34] James: Always a word

[2025/08/08, 22:19:32] James: You’ve really outdone yourself with these veneers, Dmytro

[2025/08/08, 22:19:41] James: Vavona and mappa

[2025/08/08, 22:19:47] James: And the best I’ve seen

[2025/08/08, 22:19:48] James: Bravo

[2025/08/08, 22:19:54] James: I’ll try to make something nice with them

[2025/08/08, 22:20:00] James: Now all my angst has been exported

[2025/08/08, 22:20:15] James: It’s like everything I did in my life was leading to that aripiprazole incident

[2025/08/08, 22:20:23] James: All the exporting over the last couple of years

[2025/08/08, 22:20:31] James: And all the addiction breaking

[2025/08/08, 22:20:46] James: Or maybe it’s because I was so prone to addiction that it happened in the first place

[2025/08/08, 22:20:52] James: Not really important

[2025/08/08, 22:21:02] James: The important thing is that I seem to be free from craving

[2025/08/08, 22:21:06] James: Apart from ice cream

[2025/08/08, 22:21:13] James: That will be my staple food until the day I die

[2025/08/08, 22:21:22] James: Similar macros to buttered toast

[2025/08/08, 22:21:46] James: A simple trade