20250810

[2025/08/10, 9:00:14] James: You have to use their greed

[2025/08/10, 9:00:24] James: Another truth

[2025/08/10, 9:00:32] James: You have to use their dopamine latch to instigate change

[2025/08/10, 9:00:41] James: Most recently it was that guy’s reputation

[2025/08/10, 9:00:46] James: Most obviously it is money

[2025/08/10, 9:00:57] James: But the desire to be respected is probably bigger than money for most

[2025/08/10, 9:01:06] James: And you have to go to the top

[2025/08/10, 9:01:09] James: And give them a slap

[2025/08/10, 9:01:10] James: Ha!

[2025/08/10, 9:01:15] James: Bike ride time

[2025/08/10, 9:37:23] James: .

[2025/08/10, 9:37:37] James: At the viewpoint and listening to the heart of the Buddha’s teaching audiobook

[2025/08/10, 9:37:49] James: I’m really enjoying learning the further branches of what the Buddha taught

[2025/08/10, 9:37:58] James: My focus previously was very modern

[2025/08/10, 9:38:05] James: Just trying to get the tldr version

[2025/08/10, 9:38:13] James: And I think I nailed that when high

[2025/08/10, 9:38:29] James: But a lot of his further teachings were unknown to me

[2025/08/10, 9:38:33] James: Just how practical they are

[2025/08/10, 9:38:50] James: Compassion and right speech I know, on a surface level, but he goes into so much depth.

[2025/08/10, 9:39:07] James: This feels like exactly what I need

[2025/08/10, 9:39:13] James: I am a trunk without branches at the moment

[2025/08/10, 9:39:30] James: And if I don’t actively cultivate the growth, the way I cultivated the pruning

[2025/08/10, 9:39:41] James: Then society will take over and plug me back into the machine

[2025/08/10, 9:39:56] James: And those old branches are still there somewhere so would be easily re-established

[2025/08/10, 9:40:17] James: To think that you can get such a deep level reset on your brain at this age

[2025/08/10, 9:40:22] James: Just blows the mind

[2025/08/10, 9:40:31] James: I’m going to make the most of it

[2025/08/10, 9:40:33] James: Enjoy life

[2025/08/10, 9:40:36] James: Be with my family

[2025/08/10, 9:40:40] James: Keep things minimal

[2025/08/10, 9:40:50] James: Call people when they are harming others

[2025/08/10, 9:40:54] James: But without the anger

[2025/08/10, 9:41:03] James: Because that only hurts people

[2025/08/10, 9:41:06] James: Me most of all

[2025/08/10, 9:41:09] James: And my family second

[2025/08/10, 9:41:13] James: Like the dogman

[2025/08/10, 9:41:18] James: His family are terrified of him

[2025/08/10, 9:41:36] James: I don’t want to become a dogman

[2025/08/10, 9:41:44] James: Or an orangeman

[2025/08/10, 9:41:52] James: Two terrible modes of existence

[2025/08/10, 9:42:02] James: So I’m gonna water this buddhaseed

[2025/08/10, 9:42:06] James: And see how it grows

[2025/08/10, 9:42:34] James: Because from what I’m hearing, my current level of peace is pretty early days for the path to enlightenment

[2025/08/10, 9:42:39] James: Because that’s what it is - a path

[2025/08/10, 9:43:00] James: And I’m not at the end, mr psychiatrist with your bullshit words for things you don’t understand

[2025/08/10, 9:43:15] James: I just finally have a comprehensive spiritual framework of my own

[2025/08/10, 9:43:23] James: And the Buddha plays a big part in it

[2025/08/10, 9:43:52] James: But so does neuroscience and agency/fate and - most of all - personal experience

[2025/08/10, 9:44:00] James: It’s good shit

[2025/08/10, 9:44:22] James: In a world full of questionable shit

[2025/08/10, 9:44:39] James: The world is the same but different

[2025/08/10, 9:44:50] James: I care infinitely more but care infinitely less

[2025/08/10, 9:45:10] James: I wonder if I have an ego yet

[2025/08/10, 9:45:23] James: It feels like it’s coalescing but … softly

[2025/08/10, 9:45:31] James: Like I am aware it will never be stationary

[2025/08/10, 9:45:37] James: That I’m aware there is no constant self

[2025/08/10, 9:45:49] James: And as such the clinging ego that I had previously is … dissolved

[2025/08/10, 9:46:03] James: And this is why I care less, about ‘me’

[2025/08/10, 9:46:19] James: But care infinitely more, about reality

[2025/08/10, 9:46:27] James: Anyway time for the downhill

[2025/08/10, 9:46:30] James: These rides are nice

[2025/08/10, 9:46:38] James: Definitely a meditation

[2025/08/10, 12:54:40] James: .

[2025/08/10, 12:54:45] James: Fuck me I love spinach

[2025/08/10, 12:55:01] James: Since dropping the valproate my sugar consumption has dropped back to normal

[2025/08/10, 12:55:12] James: When on the higher dose all I could do was binge

[2025/08/10, 12:55:15] James: Obvious causality

[2025/08/10, 13:09:11] James: .

[2025/08/10, 13:09:21] James: I feel able to talk with my children properly for the first time ever

[2025/08/10, 13:09:34] James: I never realised that my cranked dopamine system meant I couldn’t

[2025/08/10, 13:09:47] James: But all conversations were perfunctory; had a clear goal

[2025/08/10, 13:10:05] James: Now I am happy to ask them to speak, and to listen, and to follow their thought instead of imposing my own

[2025/08/10, 13:10:23] James: I guess I have moved significantly down on the greed plane and am able to empathise

[2025/08/10, 13:10:36] James: It’s so strange

[2025/08/10, 13:10:42] James: Everything is the same yet totally different

[2025/08/10, 13:10:51] James: I honestly think that med could be a cure for adhd

[2025/08/10, 13:10:58] James: But the narrative. Nobody will listen

[2025/08/10, 13:11:03] James: Not yet at least

[2025/08/10, 13:11:08] James: Need empirical evidence

[2025/08/10, 13:11:17] James: And need to ensure it really is lasting

[2025/08/10, 13:11:59] James: But each day it seems to be getting stronger

[2025/08/10, 13:12:02] James: More embedded

[2025/08/10, 13:12:04] James: Not less

[2025/08/10, 13:45:00] James: .

[2025/08/10, 13:45:08] James: And what’s happened to these autistic sensitivities

[2025/08/10, 13:45:17] James: Also the drugs

[2025/08/10, 13:45:30] James: Shopping malls not pleasant but no longer overwhelming

[2025/08/10, 14:35:21] James: .

[2025/08/10, 14:35:23] James: So

[2025/08/10, 14:35:25] James: PTSD

[2025/08/10, 14:35:29] James: I still get the suicidal images

[2025/08/10, 14:35:34] James: They are but a habit of thought now

[2025/08/10, 14:35:44] James: But rather than fighting them away, I have defused them

[2025/08/10, 14:35:52] James: They are there on occasion when it gets dark

[2025/08/10, 14:35:58] James: But they’re more like a shadow of a memory

[2025/08/10, 14:36:02] James: Like the old cravings

[2025/08/10, 14:36:30] James: I think what happened is my dopamine system has reconfigured and because I have less phasic dopamine I have less motivation to do things like self harm

[2025/08/10, 14:36:46] James: I already know that the ‘positive’ things you achieve through that kind of motivation leave you emptier than before

[2025/08/10, 14:37:00] James: And this means… well… there is zero upside to increasing phasic dopamine

[2025/08/10, 14:37:05] James: Absolutely zero

[2025/08/10, 14:37:13] James: You need some fluctuation to get you out of bed

[2025/08/10, 14:37:28] James: But the more = better narrative is so terribly wrong when it comes to dopamine

[2025/08/10, 14:37:36] James: Again. What the Buddha taught

[2025/08/10, 14:37:41] James: Just in modern terms

[2025/08/10, 14:37:50] James: So how to get evidence of this, prove it, and replicate it

[2025/08/10, 14:38:02] James: How do we bring higher levels of wellbeing to anyone who wants them?

[2025/08/10, 14:38:11] James: That’s the next question for when I am recovered

[2025/08/10, 14:38:20] James: Because that is the kind of company I would enjoy building

[2025/08/10, 14:38:34] James: And only a company because you can’t achieve SHIT with any other structure nowadays

[2025/08/10, 14:38:44] James: NPOs have all the downside and none of the upside

[2025/08/10, 14:38:52] James: People will pay for wellbeing

[2025/08/10, 14:38:57] James: It’s what they think they are doing already

[2025/08/10, 14:39:04] James: But they are being conned; fooled

[2025/08/10, 14:39:13] James: The baubles and trinkets will leave them empty

[2025/08/10, 14:39:27] James: And the phasic dopamine will leave them prone to fighting and suicide

[2025/08/10, 14:39:30] James: War, even

[2025/08/10, 14:39:37] James: Look at orangeman

[2025/08/10, 14:39:43] James: Such a horribly broken human being

[2025/08/10, 14:39:51] James: He must be in so much pain

[2025/08/10, 14:40:00] James: But he is causing even more, to everyone

[2025/08/10, 14:40:06] James: A superspreader event of bad karma

[2025/08/10, 14:40:21] James: Anyway time to build this fence

[2025/08/10, 14:40:22] James: Yay

[2025/08/10, 14:40:23] James: .

[2025/08/10, 14:43:43] James: One of the best ways to fuck up your phasic dopamine

[2025/08/10, 14:43:54] James: Is to obsess over perceived slights and things that make you angry

[2025/08/10, 14:44:03] James: Over time that will cause addiction, rage, even suicide

[2025/08/10, 14:44:10] James: And you can control that one

[2025/08/10, 14:44:19] James: So if you’re doing it, don’t

[2025/08/10, 14:44:51] James: Your imagined opinion of a person who has their imagined opinion of you

[2025/08/10, 14:45:03] James: You are just a construct in their mind, as they are in yours

[2025/08/10, 14:45:08] James: There is nothing to brood over

[2025/08/10, 14:45:15] James: Just imagination of imagination

[2025/08/10, 14:45:34] James: .

[2025/08/10, 16:55:57] James: Well that was new

[2025/08/10, 16:56:05] James: I just spent 2 hours in the park

[2025/08/10, 16:56:11] James: Watching the kids trade insects

[2025/08/10, 16:56:19] James: Completely engaged, no forcing it

[2025/08/10, 16:56:32] James: Looking around at the trees, at the kids, experiencing life

[2025/08/10, 16:56:38] James: Speaking with the other parents a bit

[2025/08/10, 16:56:51] James: Being asked about my life and being honest but with no ego or bravado

[2025/08/10, 16:57:04] James: Just totally engaged

[2025/08/10, 16:57:17] James: If still a little socially awkward

[2025/08/10, 16:57:30] James: And now the kids have gone back, and I will take it easy this evening

[2025/08/10, 16:57:42] James: Instead of rushing along to try to go to a mini-festival near our old place

[2025/08/10, 16:57:48] James: Because it would make me too tired

[2025/08/10, 16:58:11] James: And I just know this is the right choice and there’s no conflict or fomo about missing a part of my kids life

[2025/08/10, 16:58:27] James: Because I was more engaged today than I probably was in the last 7 years combined

[2025/08/10, 16:58:43] James: (But I had no idea)

[2025/08/10, 16:58:53] James: What was my life to this point

[2025/08/10, 16:59:02] James: All the chasing and attaining and chasing and attaining

[2025/08/10, 16:59:09] James: And everything making me emptier inside

[2025/08/10, 16:59:26] James: But I could never have just ‘decided’ to change like this

[2025/08/10, 16:59:30] James: Never

[2025/08/10, 16:59:40] James: I tried, always

[2025/08/10, 16:59:56] James: All the meditation and mindfulness, journaling and gratitude diaries

[2025/08/10, 17:00:06] James: They did very little

[2025/08/10, 17:00:10] James: Maybe slowed the descent

[2025/08/10, 17:00:14] James: But dopamine is gravity

[2025/08/10, 17:00:23] James: And I had too much gravity pulling me away from my family

[2025/08/10, 17:00:26] James: Away from life

[2025/08/10, 17:00:37] James: And onto things and reputation and success

[2025/08/10, 17:00:51] James: And everything always says ‘things will not bring you happiness’

[2025/08/10, 17:01:01] James: But they don’t really provide another alternative

[2025/08/10, 17:01:27] James: All I can assume is that something major has happened in my wiring

[2025/08/10, 17:01:39] James: Likely because of all the meditation while on drugs

[2025/08/10, 17:01:50] James: So I think there’s something to this

[2025/08/10, 17:02:00] James: Aripiprazole and guided trauma therapy as a cure for ADHD

[2025/08/10, 17:02:04] James: Because I feel cured

[2025/08/10, 17:02:06] James: I feel engaged

[2025/08/10, 17:02:12] James: I feel softly and gently alive

[2025/08/10, 17:02:24] James: And I’ve never felt this way

[2025/08/10, 17:02:37] James: More time to bed in

[2025/08/10, 17:02:41] James: That’s the right choice

[2025/08/10, 17:02:48] James: Keep documenting everything, with time stamps

[2025/08/10, 17:02:55] James: This is an experiment of n=1

[2025/08/10, 17:03:14] James: And the only way I get mr scientific fucking method to get his big boy pants on is with proper documentation

[2025/08/10, 17:03:23] James: Because they’re fucking useless those scientists

[2025/08/10, 17:03:39] James: They don’t want to test any hypothesis that might be false

[2025/08/10, 17:03:41] James: And oooh

[2025/08/10, 17:03:44] James: A cure for adhd

[2025/08/10, 17:03:50] James: You mean the thing that is not a thing?

[2025/08/10, 17:04:14] James: Well maybe this is a cure for one of the many things that makes up your catch-all

[2025/08/10, 17:04:21] James: Either way the implications if this works for others

[2025/08/10, 17:04:48] James: In a world where almost a billion people fit the diagnostic criteria (haha) for adhd

[2025/08/10, 17:04:59] James: But hey

[2025/08/10, 17:05:03] James: Don’t get attached to that

[2025/08/10, 17:05:07] James: Just enjoy your life

[2025/08/10, 17:05:09] James: My man

[2025/08/10, 17:05:13] James: You have earned it

[2025/08/10, 17:05:16] James: Fuck did you work hard

[2025/08/10, 17:05:21] James: Harder than them all

[2025/08/10, 17:05:35] James: And it broke you

[2025/08/10, 17:05:42] James: But somehow you came back

[2025/08/10, 17:05:49] James: Ship brought you back

[2025/08/10, 17:06:01] James: Drugs or not, that seizure / enlightenment event was real

[2025/08/10, 17:06:15] James: It was a real realignment and consolidation of front to back processing within your brain

[2025/08/10, 17:06:35] James: And something changed in such a profound way that it can only really be called a minor enlightenment

[2025/08/10, 17:06:39] James: It’s not the big one

[2025/08/10, 17:06:50] James: But …

[2025/08/10, 17:07:23] James: I cant describe how much softer and more beautiful and quiet the world is now

[2025/08/10, 17:07:37] James: And I’m not rushing. I’m not immortal. I’m not Jesus. I’m not Buddha.

[2025/08/10, 17:07:47] James: I am sleeping. I am eating. I am relaxed.

[2025/08/10, 17:07:58] James: I don’t fit the (even worse) diagnostic criteria for mania

[2025/08/10, 17:08:03] James: So this is something else

[2025/08/10, 17:08:08] James: And something far more profound

[2025/08/10, 17:08:13] James: It’s an entirely new universe for me

[2025/08/10, 17:08:20] James: And I will not waste it again

[2025/08/10, 17:08:28] James: So I’ll keep cultivating this tree

[2025/08/10, 17:08:36] James: And identify more branches from the b-man

[2025/08/10, 17:08:47] James: And some of my own; I’ll never be quite that tolerant

[2025/08/10, 17:08:48] James: And that’s ok

[2025/08/10, 17:09:00] James: He lived a life of meditation amongst ascetics.

[2025/08/10, 17:09:09] James: So that is the form his enlightenment took

[2025/08/10, 17:09:22] James: I have lived a life of business amongst scientists

[2025/08/10, 17:09:40] James: So if I decide to take action, that’s the form mine will take

[2025/08/10, 17:09:46] James: But for now

[2025/08/10, 17:09:52] James: I will continue to record everything

[2025/08/10, 17:09:57] James: So one of these fucking scientists

[2025/08/10, 17:10:06] James: Might finally pull their thumb out of their asshole

[2025/08/10, 17:10:10] James: And take this seriously

[2025/08/10, 17:10:19] James: Because I’m not chemically insane any more

[2025/08/10, 17:10:23] James: And this is still real

[2025/08/10, 17:10:34] James: So time to have a nice curry for dinner

[2025/08/10, 17:10:51] James: Then maybe do a bit more knife

[2025/08/10, 17:11:10] James: And then see what takes my fancy next

[2025/08/10, 17:11:14] James: This is fucking great

[2025/08/10, 17:11:19] James: It’s everything I always wanted

[2025/08/10, 17:11:29] James: Peace

[2025/08/10, 17:11:34] James: Finally

[2025/08/10, 17:11:43] James: And arrived at in the strangest of manners

[2025/08/10, 17:11:50] James: Peace from my own mind

[2025/08/10, 17:12:08] James: Impossible to describe