20250812

[2025/08/11, 23:41:52] James: Huh

[2025/08/11, 23:41:55] James: Bad dream

[2025/08/11, 23:42:01] James: Not based in reality

[2025/08/11, 23:42:19] James: Old thought process but woke up with the emotion, as you will from a dream

[2025/08/11, 23:42:23] James: The dream

[2025/08/11, 23:42:36] James: I don’t remember clearly but it was a looped thought

[2025/08/11, 23:42:42] James: Gone to an extreme

[2025/08/11, 23:42:45] James: About betrayal

[2025/08/11, 23:43:02] James: Someone close betraying my trust. I have experienced it a lot

[2025/08/11, 23:43:21] James: But it is showing me that the thought process itself is the poison

[2025/08/11, 23:43:26] James: The reality is not the dream

[2025/08/11, 23:43:36] James: And the dream was not focused on the external

[2025/08/11, 23:43:40] James: That’s it

[2025/08/11, 23:43:52] James: It was a very small thing and me wanting to exert control

[2025/08/11, 23:43:58] James: Despite knowing it was illogical

[2025/08/11, 23:44:11] James: Viewing a person as a possession I guess but irrelevant

[2025/08/11, 23:44:24] James: The point of the dream was to show how much these thoughts just

[2025/08/11, 23:44:30] James: How incredibly painful they are

[2025/08/11, 23:44:37] James: Even though there is no reality behind them

[2025/08/11, 23:44:51] James: And even if the reality was behind them

[2025/08/11, 23:45:03] James: That it is the thought process itself that causes the anguish

[2025/08/11, 23:45:09] James: Not the reality

[2025/08/11, 23:45:33] James: The reality can be dealt with

[2025/08/11, 23:45:42] James: Or let be

[2025/08/11, 23:45:50] James: It is the thought process that hurts

[2025/08/11, 23:45:52] James: The clinging

[2025/08/11, 23:45:54] James: The craving

[2025/08/11, 23:45:57] James: The RSD

[2025/08/11, 23:46:01] James: The phasic dopamine

[2025/08/11, 23:46:08] James: Who I used to be

[2025/08/11, 23:46:17] James: The idea of going back to that

[2025/08/11, 23:46:24] James: So let’s keep with the meditation

[2025/08/11, 23:46:27] James: Train the brain

[2025/08/11, 23:46:34] James: Moderate tonic dopamine

[2025/08/11, 23:46:38] James: Low phasic dopamine

[2025/08/11, 23:46:48] James: But also recognise that these thoughts will always be there

[2025/08/11, 23:46:54] James: The Dukkha is a constant

[2025/08/11, 23:47:04] James: The wobbly wheel, impermanence

[2025/08/11, 23:47:12] James: The arising of thought is not in our control

[2025/08/11, 23:47:19] James: But the pursuit of the thought is

[2025/08/11, 23:47:28] James: How to get out of a looped thought

[2025/08/11, 23:47:43] James: I always struggled, even though I could logic myself out the emotions never followed

[2025/08/11, 23:47:45] James: Now

[2025/08/11, 23:47:48] James: They seem to

[2025/08/11, 23:47:54] James: It was a nightmare

[2025/08/11, 23:48:00] James: About how I used to think

[2025/08/11, 23:48:05] James: And how I used to think

[2025/08/11, 23:48:30] James: Was a relic of a lifetime of …

[2025/08/11, 23:48:48] James: People behaving duplicitously

[2025/08/11, 23:49:02] James: But I guess the pain was caused

[2025/08/11, 23:49:11] James: Because I was attached to the idea that they wouldn’t

[2025/08/11, 23:49:22] James: That somehow they would behave the way I hoped and hang around and be nice

[2025/08/11, 23:49:36] James: Even though the reality of them was different to my imagination

[2025/08/11, 23:49:42] James: I was deluded about who they were

[2025/08/11, 23:49:55] James: But I was also deluded that I needed them to be that way for me to remain happy

[2025/08/11, 23:50:05] James: And I was possessive as a result

[2025/08/11, 23:50:35] James: And now I feel like I can see how that starts

[2025/08/11, 23:50:42] James: And maybe prevent it from starting again

[2025/08/11, 23:50:46] James: Thanks, nightmare

[2025/08/11, 23:50:54] James: You showed me something valuable

[2025/08/12, 6:25:53] James: .

[2025/08/12, 6:26:01] James: Man these mornings on the balcony are so nice

[2025/08/12, 6:26:14] James: Birds singing, musty mountains, green and blue and white

[2025/08/12, 6:26:30] James: This is not Instagram shit

[2025/08/12, 6:26:33] James: This is real

[2025/08/12, 8:11:53] James: .

[2025/08/12, 8:11:56] James: This too will change

[2025/08/12, 8:11:59] James: This situation

[2025/08/12, 8:12:05] James: Do not become attached

[2025/08/12, 9:53:04] James: .

[2025/08/12, 9:53:24] James: So the doc wants me to keep on the same doses of the same drugs for a few months to see if the changes are because of a natural rhythm or the meds

[2025/08/12, 9:53:43] James: My natural rhythm doesn’t work like this; I set a plan and force myself to chase it

[2025/08/12, 9:53:47] James: To the point of total burnout

[2025/08/12, 9:53:51] James: Because of self loathing

[2025/08/12, 9:53:54] James: Or I used to

[2025/08/12, 9:54:05] James: So I need her onside

[2025/08/12, 9:54:09] James: And will follow her advice

[2025/08/12, 9:54:28] James: So that maybe she will help with evidence when the next steps come

[2025/08/12, 9:54:34] James: Assuming this isn’t all a dream

[2025/08/12, 9:54:46] James: Still in the recovery curve for aripiprazole

[2025/08/12, 9:54:56] James: But I hear it’s supposed to be bad, with dysregulation

[2025/08/12, 9:55:00] James: And I feel the opposite

[2025/08/12, 9:55:07] James: So…

[2025/08/12, 9:55:11] James: Go with the flow I guess

[2025/08/12, 9:55:13] James: Life is good

[2025/08/12, 9:55:18] James: No need to optimise any more

[2025/08/12, 9:55:31] James: .

[2025/08/12, 11:57:31] James: .

[2025/08/12, 11:57:45] James: It’s easy to see how the fights would have made me so competitive

[2025/08/12, 11:57:48] James: It wasn’t an option

[2025/08/12, 11:57:57] James: 5 kids who will stamp on your face if you go down

[2025/08/12, 11:58:02] James: Losing was never an option

[2025/08/12, 11:58:06] James: Losing could mean death

[2025/08/12, 11:58:12] James: So the brain learned

[2025/08/12, 11:58:17] James: And that pang is still there

[2025/08/12, 11:58:24] James: I see an alphaman

[2025/08/12, 11:58:34] James: And my instinct is to out-alpha them

[2025/08/12, 11:58:42] James: The conditioned thought

[2025/08/12, 11:58:48] James: But now … it’s toothless

[2025/08/12, 11:58:54] James: I see it in an instant and it’s gone

[2025/08/12, 11:58:59] James: But I’m still practicing

[2025/08/12, 12:00:01] James: It’s like I have a chance at becoming that person I wanted to be

[2025/08/12, 12:00:06] James: Not gonna waste it

[2025/08/12, 12:00:52] James: .

[2025/08/12, 15:17:23] James: Some utterly exhausting conversations today

[2025/08/12, 15:17:27] James: It’s been traumatic for us all

[2025/08/12, 15:17:44] James: The external perception of things keeps being so different to the internal

[2025/08/12, 15:17:46] James: Or rather

[2025/08/12, 15:17:52] James: It is being prioritised over the internal

[2025/08/12, 15:17:58] James: The way people present

[2025/08/12, 15:18:03] James: To family as well as doctors

[2025/08/12, 15:18:23] James: And then the drive to stick people into boxes

[2025/08/12, 15:18:37] James: And medicate them based on percentages of responses within those boxes

[2025/08/12, 15:18:43] James: But I do not fit into the boxes

[2025/08/12, 15:18:49] James: And the medications have the opposite effect

[2025/08/12, 15:18:58] James: Aripiprazole is supposed to calm people down

[2025/08/12, 15:19:02] James: It made me manic and insane

[2025/08/12, 15:19:11] James: Valproate is supposed to calm down anger and emotion

[2025/08/12, 15:19:22] James: It just destroys my executive function and makes me depressed

[2025/08/12, 15:19:26] James: And then all the actions you take

[2025/08/12, 15:19:37] James: While your entire personality is changed by these medications

[2025/08/12, 15:19:46] James: Still go into the external perception of James

[2025/08/12, 15:19:50] James: They taint it

[2025/08/12, 15:20:08] James: So you end up with people saying ‘how you behaved’ or ‘what you said’

[2025/08/12, 15:20:14] James: At times when your brain was not your own

[2025/08/12, 15:20:23] James: When you had been changed on a fundamental level

[2025/08/12, 15:20:33] James: But these drugs which are supposed to help

[2025/08/12, 15:20:41] James: They all go into this perceived James

[2025/08/12, 15:20:54] James: And they make the impression your loved ones have of you

[2025/08/12, 15:20:55] James: Corrupt

[2025/08/12, 15:20:57] James: Dirty

[2025/08/12, 15:21:11] James: Because they can’t separate the drugs from the person

[2025/08/12, 15:21:27] James: And neither can you while you’re on them

[2025/08/12, 15:21:34] James: I’m sick of these drugs

[2025/08/12, 15:21:54] James: Going to talk to the doctor again

[2025/08/12, 15:21:58] James: Because valproate is terrible for me

[2025/08/12, 15:22:06] James: And statistics are just statistics

[2025/08/12, 15:22:14] James: But still…

[2025/08/12, 15:22:28] James: This conversation was easier than planning a brief camping trip would have been earlier

[2025/08/12, 15:22:33] James: If still exhausting

[2025/08/12, 15:22:42] James: But emotionally…

[2025/08/12, 15:22:44] James: Easier

[2025/08/12, 15:22:51] James: Because life used to be so horrible

[2025/08/12, 15:22:57] James: And nobody can ever understand that

[2025/08/12, 16:53:29] James: .

[2025/08/12, 16:53:35] James: Well this is a pretty nasty feeling

[2025/08/12, 16:53:41] James: In the head

[2025/08/12, 16:53:49] James: Noise and tension behind the cheekbones

[2025/08/12, 16:53:53] James: Steelwool

[2025/08/12, 16:54:04] James: And the knives didn’t work as fast or as well as usual because it’s more intense

[2025/08/12, 16:54:10] James: Out for a walk and feeling better

[2025/08/12, 16:54:19] James: But even when sat there with no meditation

[2025/08/12, 16:54:33] James: And even during the horrible conversation itself

[2025/08/12, 16:54:53] James: I am somehow more detached

[2025/08/12, 16:55:10] James: I know that it will pass

[2025/08/12, 16:55:13] James: It feels horrible

[2025/08/12, 16:55:22] James: But it doesn’t feel stuck like it would before

[2025/08/12, 16:55:30] James: I’m not spinning it in my head as much

[2025/08/12, 16:55:33] James: A little

[2025/08/12, 16:55:39] James: But that will pass too

[2025/08/12, 16:55:47] James: I’m really tired of this drug though

[2025/08/12, 16:56:02] James: One internet doctor made a snap judgement because I was talking fast

[2025/08/12, 16:56:07] James: Ignored the corpse; again

[2025/08/12, 16:56:15] James: And I’ve been stuck with valproate ever since

[2025/08/12, 16:56:23] James: It’s like being forced to drink alcohol

[2025/08/12, 16:56:27] James: I’m going to stop it

[2025/08/12, 16:56:31] James: I’ll let the doctor know

[2025/08/12, 16:56:57] James: But it is harming my recovery, I’m sure

[2025/08/12, 16:57:29] James: And I am sleeping 8-9 hours a night

[2025/08/12, 16:57:36] James: I’m so fed up of these drugs

[2025/08/12, 16:57:54] James: They are damaging my family relationships

[2025/08/12, 16:58:07] James: And yet because one uninformed doctor prescribed them at the start

[2025/08/12, 16:58:16] James: …

[2025/08/12, 16:58:17] James: Well

[2025/08/12, 16:58:24] James: Let’s not go on about it

[2025/08/12, 16:58:27] James: Let’s just stop them

[2025/08/12, 16:58:33] James: Gradually and carefully

[2025/08/12, 18:34:29] James: .

[2025/08/12, 18:34:34] James: Well today was exhausting

[2025/08/12, 18:34:38] James: I am exhausted

[2025/08/12, 18:34:46] James: Emotionally and physically

[2025/08/12, 18:34:53] James: But the world is still quiet

[2025/08/12, 18:34:57] James: And I am still at peace

[2025/08/12, 18:34:59] James: I am sad

[2025/08/12, 18:35:04] James: But I am at peace with it

[2025/08/12, 18:35:08] James: And I’m letting it be

[2025/08/12, 18:35:11] James: Doing a knife

[2025/08/12, 18:35:16] James: Get a bath in a bit

[2025/08/12, 18:35:31] James: Looking at this model of human facial muscles I made when I found out I was autistic

[2025/08/12, 18:35:40] James: The one that looks exactly like a Buddha

[2025/08/12, 18:35:42] James: Ha

[2025/08/12, 18:35:51] James: Unintentional

[2025/08/12, 18:36:25] James: I am absolutely knackered though

[2025/08/12, 18:36:41] James: But there were almost no emotional spikes

[2025/08/12, 18:36:50] James: Or rather…

[2025/08/12, 18:37:02] James: I didn’t get carried away by any spikes

[2025/08/12, 18:37:08] James: And they were 99% less in number

[2025/08/12, 18:37:27] James: On a topic that would have sent me into utter despair and panic previously

[2025/08/12, 18:37:48] James: Fucking tired though

[2025/08/12, 18:38:04] James: But good, I guess

[2025/08/12, 18:38:11] James: I wasn’t attached to an outcome

[2025/08/12, 18:38:26] James: And as such I didn’t get angry or scared

[2025/08/12, 18:38:30] James: Even if I did get sad

[2025/08/12, 18:38:51] James: But I’m not dwelling or stuck in a loop like I would have been before

[2025/08/12, 18:38:59] James: Not panicking and eating myself up

[2025/08/12, 18:39:07] James: Just…

[2025/08/12, 18:39:09] James: Doing a knife

[2025/08/12, 18:39:20] James: Filling the bath

[2025/08/12, 18:39:25] James: Listening to the kids play Kirby

[2025/08/12, 18:39:29] James: And the crickets sing

[2025/08/12, 18:39:35] James: It’s a good life

[2025/08/12, 18:39:42] James: Full of suffering and surprise

[2025/08/12, 18:39:49] James: But not all suffering

[2025/08/12, 18:39:56] James: That’s a common misconception about Buddhism

[2025/08/12, 18:39:59] James: All impermanent

[2025/08/12, 18:40:03] James: And all valuable as such

[2025/08/12, 18:40:09] James: Some suffering

[2025/08/12, 18:40:12] James: Plenty of joy too

[2025/08/12, 18:40:19] James: But if you try to cling to the joy

[2025/08/12, 18:40:22] James: Or to amplify it

[2025/08/12, 18:40:27] James: That’s when the joy becomes suffering

[2025/08/12, 18:40:36] James: You have to let the joy go in order to let the sorrow go

[2025/08/12, 18:40:44] James: In one ear and out the other

[2025/08/12, 18:40:53] James: Or one cheekbone, is what it feels like

[2025/08/12, 18:40:57] James: Near the temple