20250813

[2025/08/13, 10:16:55] James: I guess I saw two of the divine messengers but not the third, until last year

[2025/08/13, 10:17:03] James: I saw the elderly and frail

[2025/08/13, 10:17:09] James: I saw the infirm and sick

[2025/08/13, 10:17:14] James: But I never saw a corpse

[2025/08/13, 10:17:20] James: Bloated and gruesome

[2025/08/13, 10:17:30] James: Even in open casket cultures they clean them up

[2025/08/13, 10:17:37] James: Make them look like they’re sleeping instead of dead

[2025/08/13, 10:17:41] James: That man on the rope

[2025/08/13, 10:17:53] James: He was most certainly dead. Blood pooled in his clawed hands

[2025/08/13, 10:18:18] James: Taut rope dug under his jaw to the point of invisibility

[2025/08/13, 10:18:31] James: Neck straight, chin down

[2025/08/13, 10:18:47] James: A metre of drool and snot hanging from his orifices

[2025/08/13, 10:19:12] James: Feet on the floor and no laces in his shoes. Blood pooled at the bottom of his bent legs

[2025/08/13, 10:19:35] James: Gently swaying

[2025/08/13, 10:19:47] James: Sleeping but not

[2025/08/13, 10:19:51] James: A salaryman on the train

[2025/08/13, 10:19:54] James: But not

[2025/08/13, 10:20:07] James: And I spent 20 minutes there with him alone

[2025/08/13, 10:20:11] James: Examining him

[2025/08/13, 10:20:27] James: Expecting him to open his eyes

[2025/08/13, 10:20:30] James: But he never did

[2025/08/13, 10:20:40] James: There was no life in the meat

[2025/08/13, 10:20:45] James: The brain was there

[2025/08/13, 10:20:59] James: But it was inactive

[2025/08/13, 10:21:01] James: Dead matter

[2025/08/13, 10:21:06] James: Waiting to go to the earth

[2025/08/13, 10:21:12] James: And come back as something new

[2025/08/13, 10:21:22] James: That was the third divine messenger

[2025/08/13, 10:21:28] James: And that was what I needed to see

[2025/08/13, 10:21:45] James: To break out of my own cycle of samsāra

[2025/08/13, 10:22:00] James: I do not know if the cycle carries on to other lives

[2025/08/13, 10:22:37] James: I have theories about how individual karma play into societal karma and then back. How the emotions live on and changes in the same way that the physical atoms turn into something else

[2025/08/13, 10:22:42] James: But I was in a cycle of rebirth

[2025/08/13, 10:22:59] James: Drinker to founder to Ironman to artist to yogi

[2025/08/13, 10:23:07] James: And that man broke me out of it

[2025/08/13, 10:23:14] James: I no longer need the rebirth

[2025/08/13, 10:23:22] James: I am something… changing

[2025/08/13, 10:23:28] James: And I always will be

[2025/08/13, 10:23:37] James: There is no lasting self

[2025/08/13, 10:23:47] James: So there is no need for a self image

[2025/08/13, 10:24:03] James: Others will have their image of who or what I am

[2025/08/13, 10:24:13] James: But those images are mere reflections of their own selves

[2025/08/13, 10:24:22] James: The filter of consciousness, around itself curled

[2025/08/13, 10:25:05] James: We perceive less than 1% of the data we receive, I imagine, and this 1% is filtered by the mods we have installed in our local sims

[2025/08/13, 10:25:25] James: Through repetition, mostly. Mental repetition

[2025/08/13, 10:25:46] James: Mental repetition of venomous thoughts will make a toxic person

[2025/08/13, 10:26:18] James: And mental repetition of charitable thoughts will make a virtuous person

[2025/08/13, 10:27:00] James: But both of these are eternally changing

[2025/08/13, 10:27:11] James: With no identifiable nucleus, despite me using the word soul

[2025/08/13, 10:27:22] James: One part changes the other changes the other

[2025/08/13, 10:27:46] James: And always changed by the outside

[2025/08/13, 10:27:52] James: The divine messengers

[2025/08/13, 10:27:56] James: Emma

[2025/08/13, 10:29:16] James: This too will happen to me

[2025/08/13, 10:29:22] James: And to you

[2025/08/13, 10:29:27] James: If anyone is reading

[2025/08/13, 10:29:31] James: And seeing that body

[2025/08/13, 10:29:34] James: In the flesh

[2025/08/13, 10:30:46] James: Drool and spittle and smell and just the meat of it

[2025/08/13, 10:30:54] James: He was just a lump of blood filled flesh

[2025/08/13, 10:31:02] James: With various liquids seeping out of him

[2025/08/13, 10:32:05] James: He was what I needed to see

[2025/08/13, 1:19:08] James: Funny dream

[2025/08/13, 1:19:15] James: No idea what it was

[2025/08/13, 1:19:29] James: Bad day. Or rather challenging day.

[2025/08/13, 1:19:45] James: I can’t keep taking valproate at this dose for 3 more months like the doc suggested

[2025/08/13, 1:19:54] James: The idea alone is making me depressed

[2025/08/13, 1:20:18] James: And looking at what was left in my cupboard I wasn’t taking it properly for ages

[2025/08/13, 1:20:25] James: So it’s basically been reinstated

[2025/08/13, 1:20:35] James: And it made things rapidly worse

[2025/08/13, 1:20:59] James: There are other options if she gets evidence for bipolar

[2025/08/13, 1:21:12] James: Ar this point there is no evidence for bipolar

[2025/08/13, 1:21:28] James: She thinks my response to aripiprazole might have been a ‘natural rhythm’

[2025/08/13, 1:21:30] James: Ha

[2025/08/13, 1:21:34] James: No fucking way

[2025/08/13, 1:21:44] James: If she won’t listen then I will find another doctor

[2025/08/13, 1:21:53] James: For now I will lower the dose by half again

[2025/08/13, 1:22:09] James: Would have just called straight back asleep then

[2025/08/13, 1:22:18] James: But one of the kids wasn’t in their bedroom

[2025/08/13, 1:22:22] James: And I had to go look

[2025/08/13, 1:22:26] James: Hard day though

[2025/08/13, 1:24:11] James: My priority is my recovery

[2025/08/13, 1:24:20] James: It’s like my bones were broke as a kid

[2025/08/13, 1:24:25] James: And they set in the wrong shape

[2025/08/13, 1:24:34] James: And then aripiprazole re-broke them

[2025/08/13, 1:24:44] James: And they are re-setting in the right shape

[2025/08/13, 1:25:06] James: But valproate is preventing this

[2025/08/13, 1:25:15] James: Like a bound foot

[2025/08/13, 1:25:37] James: Man I’m so tired of this psych machine

[2025/08/13, 1:25:53] James: It feels like I have to keep going for people to even take the fact I am recovering seriously

[2025/08/13, 1:25:59] James: But they are making things worse

[2025/08/13, 1:26:11] James: When all I need is space and time

[2025/08/13, 1:26:22] James: And quiet and natural rhythms and no fucking drugs

[2025/08/13, 1:26:47] James: Except a little to keep my circadian rhythm on track, maybe

[2025/08/13, 1:27:00] James: And maybe something to hold adrenaline from getting too high

[2025/08/13, 1:27:11] James: Plus if this is an actual reset button for adhd

[2025/08/13, 1:27:24] James: Then I need to do the whole process and get back to baseline

[2025/08/13, 1:27:30] James: To test the hypothesis

[2025/08/13, 1:27:40] James: These fucking drugs man

[2025/08/13, 1:27:48] James: They have made me nearly kill myself so many times

[2025/08/13, 1:28:18] James: And all the doctors can say is ‘keep taking them’ because they don’t want to make a decision that could be wrong

[2025/08/13, 1:28:23] James: Which I understand

[2025/08/13, 1:28:39] James: But all the data points toward this drug being really bad for me

[2025/08/13, 1:28:57] James: I’m so fed up of this

[2025/08/13, 2:36:56] James: .

[2025/08/13, 2:36:57] James: Well

[2025/08/13, 2:37:08] James: I did list mental health as my current 5 year project

[2025/08/13, 2:37:25] James: It’s been about 2 and a bit years

[2025/08/13, 2:37:51] James: Not that there’s a finish line with this one

[2025/08/13, 2:37:57] James: Back to bed

[2025/08/13, 7:25:49] James: .

[2025/08/13, 7:25:56] James: I’ll not bother writing this morning

[2025/08/13, 7:26:06] James: That can become another latch

[2025/08/13, 7:26:11] James: All these morning routines

[2025/08/13, 7:26:20] James: Daily journaling

[2025/08/13, 7:26:31] James: I’ve done them all and they’re all great until they’re not

[2025/08/13, 7:26:42] James: Once it becomes part of your identity or self image, they are harmful

[2025/08/13, 7:27:03] James: Even things like meditation, healthy, eating, charity

[2025/08/13, 7:27:26] James: Once you identify with them as ‘you’, it sets you up for inadequacy and self loathing

[2025/08/13, 7:27:38] James: Wow that’s a beautiful flower

[2025/08/13, 7:27:54] James: Let’s spend time looking at the garden

[2025/08/13, 7:34:48] James: Yeah

[2025/08/13, 7:34:53] James: There’s no evidence for bipolar

[2025/08/13, 7:34:59] James: I’ve tracked my mood over the years

[2025/08/13, 7:35:04] James: It coincides with my training

[2025/08/13, 7:35:31] James: And my training was always a slog at the start, until the first block was over and my chemistry in a better place

[2025/08/13, 7:35:36] James: It was always action before mood

[2025/08/13, 7:35:40] James: Not the other way round

[2025/08/13, 7:35:51] James: This doctor is just copying someone else’s bad guesswork

[2025/08/13, 7:35:56] James: It’s fine

[2025/08/13, 7:36:11] James: I’m being transparent with her and will explain things in more detail next time we meet

[2025/08/13, 7:36:23] James: But every time, I ‘pulled myself out of depression’ with conscious effort

[2025/08/13, 7:36:29] James: I never just woke up and felt great

[2025/08/13, 7:36:38] James: Not until now, ha!

[2025/08/13, 7:36:44] James: But now is different

[2025/08/13, 7:36:50] James: It’s softer yet more vibrant

[2025/08/13, 7:37:08] James: So if they get evidence of bipolar tendencies I will entertain the idea

[2025/08/13, 7:37:27] James: With a DIFFERENT med

[2025/08/13, 7:37:30] James: But not valproate

[2025/08/13, 7:37:54] James: It’s like fucking ankle weights

[2025/08/13, 7:38:04] James: Useless at best and fucking dangerous at worst

[2025/08/13, 7:38:13] James: But only I know me

[2025/08/13, 7:38:20] James: And all these people are after the safe option

[2025/08/13, 7:38:28] James: Not realising it’s actually the dangerous option

[2025/08/13, 7:38:32] James: Let them get their data

[2025/08/13, 7:38:39] James: Then they can talk drugs

[2025/08/13, 7:38:41] James: I’m done

[2025/08/13, 7:38:42] James: But

[2025/08/13, 7:38:51] James: I’ll play ball and meet in the middle

[2025/08/13, 7:38:56] James: 200mg for this week

[2025/08/13, 7:38:58] James: Then none

[2025/08/13, 7:39:19] James: Because I’m fucking sick of putting concrete in my mind

[2025/08/13, 7:39:31] James: Maybe do a knife instead :-D

[2025/08/13, 7:45:10] James: .

[2025/08/13, 7:45:11] James: Haha

[2025/08/13, 7:45:15] James: You see a Bentley

[2025/08/13, 7:45:21] James: And your instinct is ‘dominate’

[2025/08/13, 7:45:28] James: Then again

[2025/08/13, 7:45:42] James: School was either win the fight or get stomped into the ground

[2025/08/13, 7:45:52] James: I never stomped. Once they were down that was it

[2025/08/13, 7:45:55] James: But the others…

[2025/08/13, 7:45:58] James: They stomped

[2025/08/13, 7:46:11] James: Their parents likely taught them that was the way

[2025/08/13, 7:46:26] James: Not their fault. Not mine. Not even their parents

[2025/08/13, 7:46:33] James: Just ignorance and cranked up dvar

[2025/08/13, 8:25:45] James: .

[2025/08/13, 8:25:51] James: Man these psych meds

[2025/08/13, 8:26:00] James: 2 out of 3 have made me nearly kill myself

[2025/08/13, 8:26:10] James: Fucking bad, man

[2025/08/13, 8:26:27] James: We need real diagnostic procedures instead of guesswork and subjective reporting

[2025/08/13, 8:26:42] James: Changing someone’s personality then asking for subjective reporting makes no logical sense

[2025/08/13, 10:03:01] James: .

[2025/08/13, 10:03:09] James: “All four texts imply that any significant and lasting transformations of society require significant changes in the moral fiber of individual human beings; for as long as greed, hatred, and delusion run rampant as determinants of conduct, the consequences are bound to be consistently detrimental.”

[2025/08/13, 10:03:16] James: Yeah b-man! That’s what I’m saying too!

[2025/08/13, 10:03:17] James: .

[2025/08/13, 10:05:21] James: “As long as ignorance and craving remain intact, the cycle of rebirth will continue indefinitely into the future with no end in sight”

[2025/08/13, 10:05:41] James: This is what the ship was saying, though the veracity of that part of proceedings is yet to be established

[2025/08/13, 10:06:04] James: B-man seemed confident that it would continue forever, but also that there was a way for it to end.

[2025/08/13, 10:06:10] James: .

[2025/08/13, 11:12:19] James: Yeah I don’t think there’s any evidence for bipolar

[2025/08/13, 11:12:35] James: The new doctor is thinking that the aripiprazole response is a bipolar thing

[2025/08/13, 11:12:39] James: It most certainly was not

[2025/08/13, 11:12:45] James: It was a fucking weird thing

[2025/08/13, 11:13:14] James: This doesn’t seem to have precedent no matter how much I search

[2025/08/13, 11:13:25] James: The mania, sure. But it was drug induced

[2025/08/13, 11:13:36] James: The real weirdness is the ego dissolution and becoming the ship

[2025/08/13, 11:13:42] James: That is not what this drug should do

[2025/08/13, 11:13:58] James: So the only potential explanation I can think of is epilepsy

[2025/08/13, 11:14:10] James: And I’m get a neurologist, since they can also prescribe drugs

[2025/08/13, 11:14:20] James: I am beyond the pay grade of most psychiatrists

[2025/08/13, 11:14:27] James: They don’t know what I am and it is clear on their faces

[2025/08/13, 11:14:37] James: So they revert to the ‘safe option’

[2025/08/13, 11:14:41] James: Which nearly kills me

[2025/08/13, 11:14:58] James: But I don’t feel like I need anything

[2025/08/13, 11:15:01] James: I am sleeping well

[2025/08/13, 11:15:04] James: I am happy and calm

[2025/08/13, 11:15:09] James: Calmer than I’ve ever been

[2025/08/13, 11:15:19] James: So my priority is to cultivate that calmness

[2025/08/13, 11:15:22] James: And make it my own

[2025/08/13, 11:15:29] James: Not something I believe belongs to a drug

[2025/08/13, 11:15:36] James: They are poison

[2025/08/13, 11:15:38] James: For me

[2025/08/13, 11:15:45] James: .

[2025/08/13, 12:52:08] James: Yeah the b man

[2025/08/13, 12:52:14] James: He’s who to follow

[2025/08/13, 12:52:20] James: Fucking stream entered

[2025/08/13, 12:56:13] James: In early Buddhist doctrine, each of the four classical stages has two distinct aspects:

1. A gradual process — weakening the fetters through practice.

2. An instantaneous breakthrough moment — final, irreversible cutting of those fetters.

[2025/08/13, 12:56:52] James: Sotāpanna / Srotāpanna (“Stream-enterer”)

Removed fetters: Personality view, doubt, clinging to rites & rituals

[2025/08/13, 12:57:03] James: The description fits and I cannot unsee.

[2025/08/13, 13:10:10] James: This

[2025/08/13, 13:10:12] James: Paññā-vimutti (“liberation by wisdom”) — insight into impermanence, non-self, and suffering, but without mastery of all jhānas.

[2025/08/13, 13:10:14] James: This is me

[2025/08/13, 13:10:25] James: The psychiatric definitions do not fit

[2025/08/13, 17:07:21] James: .

[2025/08/13, 17:07:40] James: Like 80% of my memories with my family have returned since lowering valproate.

[2025/08/13, 19:46:04] James: .

[2025/08/13, 19:46:13] James: What a great time camping with my second child

[2025/08/13, 19:46:19] James: The one I could never get along with

[2025/08/13, 19:46:24] James: Or had to try

[2025/08/13, 19:46:26] James: Now…

[2025/08/13, 19:46:29] James: It’s effortless

[2025/08/13, 19:46:34] James: We are quite different but that’s fine

[2025/08/13, 19:46:53] James: He is him and he is great and I can explain to him how we communicate differently and he is happy about it

[2025/08/13, 19:47:07] James: Previously I would have been unable to empathise with him properly

[2025/08/13, 19:47:26] James: And he with me as a result; there was a wall there which we were both desperately trying to destroy

[2025/08/13, 19:47:43] James: But now it’s gone

[2025/08/13, 19:47:45] James: There is no wall

[2025/08/13, 19:47:58] James: I’m reading the b-man’s teachings for real now

[2025/08/13, 19:48:03] James: Man is he down to earth

[2025/08/13, 21:26:29] James: .