[2025/08/14, 16:59:14] James: This all still feels like it is fated and whatever happens is as it should happen
[2025/08/14, 16:59:27] James: The writings are without a definite target. I am not attached to the outcome
[2025/08/14, 16:59:38] James: I have a preference for them to be real but I am not attached to it
[2025/08/14, 17:00:05] James: How cool would it be if we could cure all suffering. Cure adhd. Create empathy between Trump and the poor.
[2025/08/14, 17:00:08] James: Save the species
[2025/08/14, 17:00:14] James: How fucking cool would that be
[2025/08/14, 17:00:28] James: But if all that comes from it is a little research into ari for train therapy
[2025/08/14, 17:00:35] James: Or a few people learning about Buddhism
[2025/08/14, 17:00:42] James: Or just a fun creative game for me
[2025/08/14, 17:00:45] James: That’s all good
[2025/08/14, 17:00:53] James: I have never known such wellbeing
[2025/08/14, 17:00:59] James: My old life is a dream
[2025/08/14, 17:01:07] James: The suffering less than an echo
[2025/08/14, 17:01:12] James: Did it really happen?
[2025/08/14, 17:01:25] James: All the data says yes but the emotions say no
[2025/08/14, 19:39:53] James: .
[2025/08/14, 19:40:06] James: I’ve started doing sitting meditation again without really thinking about it
[2025/08/14, 19:40:23] James: Just the mood takes me sometimes and I will sit and just be for ten or fifteen minutes
[2025/08/14, 19:40:33] James: I don’t care about how long any more. I don’t care about how focused.
[2025/08/14, 19:40:40] James: It’s not hard and driven and for a purpose
[2025/08/14, 19:40:58] James: It’s just to let myself be and allow dopamine to settle and the universe to flow through my memory without a filter
[2025/08/14, 19:41:01] James: It is lovely
[2025/08/14, 19:41:19] James: And sitting meditation has never been lovely
[2025/08/14, 19:41:33] James: There have been times where u got to such a focus that i forgot i existed before
[2025/08/14, 19:41:46] James: Where I achieved momentary stillness through sheer will of attention
[2025/08/14, 19:41:50] James: But this is different
[2025/08/14, 19:41:54] James: This is just… being
[2025/08/14, 19:42:08] James: Thoughts are rare and when they come up they are greeted and released
[2025/08/14, 19:42:10] James: There…
[2025/08/14, 19:42:19] James: I don’t know how I am able to let go of these things so easily
[2025/08/14, 19:42:53] James: I’m not perfect and today after sending the new article to a mate and my brother I kinda felt a bit like I needed to elaborate on the contents
[2025/08/14, 19:43:15] James: Because of questions; which are totally reasonable. But typing things over text… impossible for the amount of info
[2025/08/14, 19:44:01] James: And occasionally I’ll think ‘oh I’ll write about adhd tomorrow’, which is fine, but maybe I’ll start thinking ‘I’ll write this and that’ and then I’ll stop myself
[2025/08/14, 19:44:22] James: That still needs a little conscious effort, because I’ve spent my whole life planning emails and conversations and stuff
[2025/08/14, 19:44:27] James: But it doesn’t need much effort
[2025/08/14, 19:44:40] James: And the best writing seems to come when I don’t plan
[2025/08/14, 19:44:48] James: When I just wake up and see what falls out
[2025/08/14, 19:44:54] James: I don’t really care about the outcome
[2025/08/14, 19:45:03] James: But I want to do everything I can to help the species
[2025/08/14, 19:45:08] James: All of them
[2025/08/14, 19:45:15] James: It’s like…
[2025/08/14, 19:45:23] James: I know Elon is a prick. I hated him
[2025/08/14, 19:45:30] James: But before that he seemed to have noble ideas
[2025/08/14, 19:45:44] James: So I think he was corrupted by too much exposure to greed; the same as I was
[2025/08/14, 19:45:52] James: And I think he can be cured, the same way I can
[2025/08/14, 19:46:02] James: And if he can, he will be better than he ever was, in every way
[2025/08/14, 19:46:05] James: And he has the means
[2025/08/14, 19:46:08] James: The tech is the tech
[2025/08/14, 19:46:11] James: But even if not
[2025/08/14, 19:46:18] James: I think he still has the self image
[2025/08/14, 19:46:24] James: He wants to be the first emperor of earth
[2025/08/14, 19:46:32] James: He wants to be the one who gets us off the planet
[2025/08/14, 19:46:34] James: To make history
[2025/08/14, 19:46:40] James: So I can use that
[2025/08/14, 19:47:03] James: And I can guide him in ethics and ensure that he doesn’t … lose his soul completely in the chase for grandeur
[2025/08/14, 19:47:13] James: And maybe spread some positivity that way
[2025/08/14, 19:47:14] James: Or not
[2025/08/14, 19:47:18] James: A rocket is a rocket
[2025/08/14, 19:47:23] James: He just happens to have them
[2025/08/14, 19:47:44] James: And there’s a point where you’re so far in the d hole that even the idea of climbing out repulses you
[2025/08/14, 19:47:48] James: Trump is likely here
[2025/08/14, 19:47:55] James: The original Orangeman
[2025/08/14, 19:48:14] James: If you told him ‘you can be happier in every single way but you will no longer care about money or power’
[2025/08/14, 19:48:22] James: ‘You’ll still have them, but you won’t care’
[2025/08/14, 19:48:39] James: Then the idea of not caring - that on its own - will terrify him
[2025/08/14, 19:48:44] James: Because it’s all he’s ever known
[2025/08/14, 19:49:11] James: But even he knows deep down on some level that he would rather have genuine peace and happiness in his final years
[2025/08/14, 19:49:23] James: But you give up, after a while
[2025/08/14, 19:49:31] James: I had given up too
[2025/08/14, 19:49:37] James: And then aripiprazole happened
[2025/08/14, 19:49:44] James: A 1 in 100 million response
[2025/08/14, 19:49:53] James: And my meditator was like ‘fuck yeah this is it’
[2025/08/14, 19:49:56] James: And he fucking did it
[2025/08/14, 19:50:10] James: He used all the tools. The meditation. The rocking. The chanting.
[2025/08/14, 19:50:13] James: He made his own
[2025/08/14, 19:50:23] James: The knives. The writing. The voodoo dancing.
[2025/08/14, 19:50:40] James: He used deep music and heavy meteorites and rhythmic head movements
[2025/08/14, 19:50:46] James: And he lined up all the synapses
[2025/08/14, 19:50:51] James: And then they flushed
[2025/08/14, 19:50:53] James: And this …
[2025/08/14, 19:51:00] James: This is not in the scientific literature
[2025/08/14, 19:51:11] James: But it’s how some people have described their experience of stream entry
[2025/08/14, 19:51:20] James: And after that, while I was ship
[2025/08/14, 19:51:39] James: That was a consolidation phase. The dhamma had already been seen but it needed time to bed in. As the epoxy cured
[2025/08/14, 19:51:48] James: Remember: in a simulation everything is metaphor
[2025/08/14, 19:52:05] James: And once it was cured, james 2.0 came back without capital letters
[2025/08/14, 19:52:25] James: I don’t feel it’s appropriate to capitalise my name any more. Or to capitalise anything. These capitals are automatic
[2025/08/14, 19:53:23] James: actually i’ve turned them off
[2025/08/14, 19:53:27] James: that feels better
[2025/08/14, 19:53:30] James: i wonder why this is
[2025/08/14, 19:53:36] James: i always took care over my writing.
[2025/08/14, 19:53:47] James: changing my handwriting consciously many times
[2025/08/14, 19:53:50] James: this is unconscious
[2025/08/14, 19:54:00] James: and i think it is something to do with the interconnected nature of things
[2025/08/14, 19:54:05] James: i glimpsed the truth
[2025/08/14, 19:54:19] James: i do not live in the truth like a full arahant
[2025/08/14, 19:54:55] James: i had a glimpse
[2025/08/14, 19:54:59] James: and i know it to be true
[2025/08/14, 19:55:04] James: and i saw it as a simulation
[2025/08/14, 19:55:18] James: but even if all i learned is how to improve my own world and the world of my family
[2025/08/14, 19:55:23] James: well those are good ripples
[2025/08/14, 19:55:32] James: and it comes back to the haiku i wrote years ago
[2025/08/14, 19:56:15] James: 理に流れ、宇宙や人へ、良き波紋
[2025/08/14, 19:56:49] James: the the flow carry you, and cause good ripples throughout people and the universe
[2025/08/14, 19:56:54] James: i am not a superspreader
[2025/08/14, 19:57:02] James: but it would be cool if i became one
[2025/08/14, 19:57:13] James: because the world needs antibodies to its current sickness
[2025/08/14, 19:57:19] James: and people need spirituality
[2025/08/14, 19:57:21] James: and hope
[2025/08/14, 19:57:23] James: anyway
[2025/08/14, 19:57:29] James: i’ll play a game for a bit
[2025/08/14, 19:57:35] James: i’m sure b-man would approve.
[2025/08/14, 19:57:35] James: ha
[2025/08/14, 19:57:42] James: see you later, b-man
[2025/08/14, 19:57:46] James: or … not?
[2025/08/14, 19:58:07] James: are these arahants somehow already in their robot bodies
[2025/08/14, 19:58:13] James: terraforming this new planet
[2025/08/14, 19:58:18] James: who fucking knows
[2025/08/14, 19:58:28] James: but it’s a lot more fun that thinking there’s nothing after death
[2025/08/14, 19:58:41] James: and i was the most empty and hopeless of them all
[2025/08/13, 21:26:31] James: Well
[2025/08/13, 21:27:01] James: The angle and size and shape of the moon suggests that the time when I woke up on the beach and took Luca home early was not a hallucination
[2025/08/13, 21:27:18] James: It really was framed in the sand dunes and just.. massive and full and..
[2025/08/13, 21:27:38] James: So huge
[2025/08/13, 21:27:48] James: I am not saying that meant anything, I don’t think
[2025/08/13, 21:27:55] James: But at the time it was biblical
[2025/08/13, 21:28:03] James: It was a burning bush
[2025/08/13, 21:28:20] James: Was that the 11th or the 13th?
[2025/08/13, 21:52:41] James: Well…
[2025/08/13, 21:52:47] James: That was an interesting read
[2025/08/13, 21:52:52] James: This was my enlightenment moment
[2025/08/13, 21:52:54] James: https://www.james-baird.com/notscience/dopamine/202507/20250710
[2025/08/13, 21:53:00] James: And the pain from that past life
[2025/08/13, 21:53:02] James: It’s just gone
[2025/08/13, 21:53:28] James: The fishhooks of motivation. The emptiness. The agony of craving and never enough. They are barely even a memory.
[2025/08/13, 21:53:39] James: How on earth did this happen
[2025/08/13, 21:53:49] James: Because I’m away from the drugs and it HAS NOT CHANGED
[2025/08/13, 21:53:54] James: If anything it’s bedded in
[2025/08/13, 21:53:56] James: Settled down
[2025/08/13, 21:54:01] James: Become more coherent
[2025/08/13, 21:54:16] James: But tracking thought through the human mind using radioactive isotopes of aripiprazole
[2025/08/13, 21:54:24] James: Fuck me that still makes sense.
[2025/08/13, 22:01:43] James: Email sent to a friend who is building a company in medical imagine and AI
[2025/08/13, 22:01:49] James: Let’s see what he thinks
[2025/08/13, 22:01:56] James: Never checks his fucking email though. Ha
[2025/08/13, 22:02:04] James: Give him a couple of days
[2025/08/13, 22:08:28] James: So the getting up and driving, and the burning bush moon - that was on the night of the 11-12th July.
[2025/08/13, 22:08:56] James: Fill moon, low, framed; religious looking
[2025/08/13, 22:09:18] James: Then today is 13-14th August and the moon is about 3 days off full and at a similar angle
[2025/08/13, 22:09:41] James: So that wasn’t a hallucination, I guess. Or at least not a total hallucination
[2025/08/13, 22:10:00] James: Why is my world so much less painful
[2025/08/13, 22:10:08] James: Why don’t I worry
[2025/08/13, 22:10:13] James: Why don’t I suffer
[2025/08/13, 22:10:23] James: I still get pangs of anxiety or anger or whatever
[2025/08/13, 22:10:29] James: But they are like echoes
[2025/08/13, 22:10:31] James: Toothless
[2025/08/13, 22:10:44] James: I don’t pursue them
[2025/08/13, 22:10:49] James: I see them arise and I let them go
[2025/08/13, 22:11:03] James: This is like …
[2025/08/13, 22:11:15] James: Well it’s like what you are supposed to do when meditating
[2025/08/13, 22:11:19] James: What I thought I was doing
[2025/08/13, 22:11:22] James: But I wasn’t
[2025/08/13, 22:11:32] James: I was just kinda.. pretending to?
[2025/08/13, 22:11:40] James: No - I thought I was doing it
[2025/08/13, 22:11:45] James: But this is just a falling away
[2025/08/13, 22:12:11] James: I’ve already slept about 90 min by the way and never sleep well in tents. Plus my bedtime lately is about 11
[2025/08/13, 22:12:27] James: And then after that happened
[2025/08/13, 22:12:43] James: I was given a little time to kind of… get the setting ready
[2025/08/13, 22:12:46] James: Tie some things off
[2025/08/13, 22:12:51] James: Say goodbye to James?
[2025/08/13, 22:12:58] James: I locked down the site almost instantly
[2025/08/13, 22:13:16] James: On my wife’s 40th birthday
[2025/08/13, 22:13:20] James: I said happy birthday
[2025/08/13, 22:13:30] James: With a message that you can read backwards
[2025/08/13, 22:13:32] James: And then…
[2025/08/13, 22:13:36] James: That James was gone
[2025/08/13, 22:13:42] James: And I was the ship for 4 days
[2025/08/13, 22:14:14] James: And I needed the epoxy on the … that one doesn’t have a name, does it?
[2025/08/13, 22:14:19] James: It might never have a name
[2025/08/13, 22:14:29] James: But I needed the epoxy on that art piece to settle
[2025/08/13, 22:14:31] James: Fully cure
[2025/08/13, 22:14:40] James: And then I could say ‘it’s settled and you can come back’
[2025/08/13, 22:14:45] James: And that epoxy was my dhamma
[2025/08/13, 22:14:48] James: Or rather
[2025/08/13, 22:14:51] James: THE dhamma
[2025/08/13, 22:14:56] James: The same one as the Buddha
[2025/08/13, 22:15:04] James: But arrived at in a COMPLETELY different manner
[2025/08/13, 22:15:17] James: Which only lends credibility to his observations, in my mind
[2025/08/13, 22:15:33] James: I am like a gentle kind of excited now
[2025/08/13, 22:15:42] James: Not gurning like I would have been before
[2025/08/13, 22:15:48] James: All I care about it the truth
[2025/08/13, 22:15:57] James: I’m happy to entertain all hypotheses
[2025/08/13, 22:16:13] James: Fucks sake this hypothesis is that we are all in a sim and … but that part I am still not sure on
[2025/08/13, 22:16:27] James: I think that may have been a metaphor so my mind could comprehend reality
[2025/08/13, 22:16:32] James: Unfiltered
[2025/08/13, 22:16:40] James: There was no choice or decision or agency
[2025/08/13, 22:16:43] James: It was all fate
[2025/08/13, 22:16:48] James: All preordained
[2025/08/13, 22:16:51] James: At the time
[2025/08/13, 22:16:57] James: Anyway let’s read a bit more
[2025/08/13, 22:32:24] James: Alright
[2025/08/13, 22:32:32] James: First time I’ve reviewed any of those writings
[2025/08/13, 22:32:45] James: The ones around July 10-11-12-13 are intense
[2025/08/13, 22:32:49] James: But they …
[2025/08/13, 22:32:53] James: They have something to them
[2025/08/13, 22:32:59] James: I’ll sleep
[2025/08/13, 22:33:05] James: There is still lots to unpack
[2025/08/13, 22:33:10] James: But I don’t think I’m sick
[2025/08/13, 22:33:35] James: I think the meds somehow… enabled me to fix myself by using an approximation of what the Buddha taught
[2025/08/13, 22:33:48] James: So this is millennia of spiritual practice
[2025/08/13, 22:33:52] James: There must be something to it
[2025/08/13, 22:33:55] James: And meds are meds
[2025/08/13, 22:33:59] James: So I will sleep
[2025/08/13, 22:34:04] James: And see what pops out tomorrow
[2025/08/13, 22:34:08] James: Thanks Luca
[2025/08/13, 22:34:13] James: I am camping with him again today
[2025/08/13, 22:34:18] James: And he is fucking great
[2025/08/13, 22:34:34] James: And he was the one who enabled me to come back from the madness of the dopamine experiment
[2025/08/13, 22:34:38] James: Jambo part 2
[2025/08/13, 22:34:44] James: Part 1 was personal trauma
[2025/08/13, 22:34:53] James: Part 2 was… the entire cause of all trauma
[2025/08/13, 22:35:15] James: And part 3, the ship, was how to fix the fucking world, I guess
[2025/08/13, 22:35:20] James: But let’s sleep
[2025/08/13, 22:35:22] James: All is good
[2025/08/13, 23:03:48] James: .
[2025/08/13, 23:03:58] James: I do find it hard to get comfortable in a tent though!
[2025/08/13, 23:04:06] James: Maybe read some more Player of Games
[2025/08/13, 23:04:09] James: Such a good book
[2025/08/13, 23:37:34] James: Keep getting woken by fireworks and motorbikes
[2025/08/13, 23:37:45] James: Annoying
[2025/08/13, 23:37:55] James: I think I know why I am so anxious about these doctors
[2025/08/13, 23:38:10] James: And getting exactly the right amount of sleep for them to stop giving me these drugs
[2025/08/13, 23:38:25] James: It’s because I feel like I might lose my family if I stop going to them
[2025/08/13, 23:38:32] James: But psychiatrists are not right
[2025/08/13, 23:38:36] James: I need a neurologist
[2025/08/13, 23:39:53] James: I can never sleep in tents
[2025/08/13, 23:40:00] James: So I’ll read
[2025/08/13, 23:40:08] James: I had a nice little meditation session then
[2025/08/13, 23:40:10] James: No pressure
[2025/08/13, 23:40:17] James: But it made me realise that I have anxiety
[2025/08/13, 23:40:29] James: About dancing to this psychiatrists song
[2025/08/13, 23:40:32] James: So I can.. what
[2025/08/13, 23:40:36] James: Get away from them
[2025/08/13, 23:40:38] James: Basically
[2025/08/13, 23:40:42] James: With my wife not worrying
[2025/08/13, 23:40:44] James: It’s so
[2025/08/13, 23:40:47] James: Worrying for me
[2025/08/13, 23:40:58] James: I hate feeling trapped
[2025/08/13, 23:41:02] James: And I can’t do it any more
[2025/08/13, 23:41:18] James: My own mental health has to come before feelings of craving for even my family
[2025/08/13, 23:41:34] James: I can’t do it any more
[2025/08/13, 23:41:39] James: A neurologist will be ok
[2025/08/13, 23:41:41] James: But
[2025/08/13, 23:41:50] James: These psychiatrists have no idea what to make of me
[2025/08/13, 23:41:55] James: And just keep giving me the wrong drugs
[2025/08/13, 23:42:01] James: Which cause new problems
[2025/08/13, 23:42:14] James: That they then try to solve with new drugs or dose adjustments
[2025/08/13, 23:42:40] James: I can’t do this any more
[2025/08/13, 23:42:49] James: Let’s see what happens tomorrow
[2025/08/13, 23:42:53] James: But either way..
[2025/08/13, 23:43:02] James: I can’t keep crushing myself like this
[2025/08/13, 23:43:13] James: Shackles on the mind
[2025/08/14, 3:54:47] James: .
[2025/08/14, 3:54:54] James: I love these camping sessions with Luca
[2025/08/14, 3:55:02] James: Even though I can’t fucking sleep
[2025/08/14, 3:55:11] James: They bring me back to reality and to the ones I love
[2025/08/14, 3:55:16] James: Back to the simple joys of life
[2025/08/14, 3:55:25] James: Watching him ride his bike with such enthusiasm
[2025/08/14, 3:55:30] James: Reading him a book
[2025/08/14, 3:55:35] James: He is so sensitive
[2025/08/14, 3:55:45] James: He knows how to hold me in this reality
[2025/08/14, 3:55:49] James: Just the right degree
[2025/08/14, 3:55:57] James: He is my main convergence point
[2025/08/14, 3:56:04] James: If we are going to use that language
[2025/08/14, 3:56:16] James: Or my main empathy entrance to the rest of the world
[2025/08/14, 3:56:22] James: Because I’m pretty weird hey
[2025/08/14, 3:56:23] James: Ha
[2025/08/14, 3:56:29] James: But this is all good
[2025/08/14, 4:06:20] James: And I say hey Luca I’m just gonna sit outside and have a coffee
[2025/08/14, 4:06:24] James: You can sleep a bit more
[2025/08/14, 4:06:28] James: You’re a good boy
[2025/08/14, 4:06:30] James: Love you
[2025/08/14, 4:06:35] James: Kiss him on the cheek
[2025/08/14, 4:06:40] James: He smiles and knows he is safe
[2025/08/14, 4:06:47] James: And drifts back off
[2025/08/14, 4:06:55] James: We will head back early
[2025/08/14, 4:07:01] James: As you always do when camping
[2025/08/14, 4:07:05] James: And I’ll get my sleep later
[2025/08/14, 4:07:18] James: But I have a little more clarity on how to tackle the current situation
[2025/08/14, 4:07:29] James: So that’s good
[2025/08/14, 4:07:35] James: .
[2025/08/14, 4:09:32] James: Fucking fireworks and bosozoku
[2025/08/14, 4:09:35] James: Haha
[2025/08/14, 4:09:40] James: I’ll choose somewhere else next time
[2025/08/14, 4:17:30] James: .
[2025/08/14, 4:17:36] James: The change is remarkable
[2025/08/14, 4:17:49] James: But it is so quiet and doesn’t fit mania
[2025/08/14, 4:17:52] James: Silly word
[2025/08/14, 4:18:02] James: But it doesn’t fit regardless
[2025/08/14, 4:18:06] James: It’s something else
[2025/08/14, 4:18:09] James: .
[2025/08/14, 4:37:50] James: Chatting easily with the old folks out for their runs
[2025/08/14, 4:37:57] James: I’ve always gotten along better with the old folks
[2025/08/14, 4:38:02] James: As a kid I got along with the adults
[2025/08/14, 4:38:09] James: And as an adult I got along with the elderly
[2025/08/14, 4:38:34] James: Maybe as an older adult I will get get along with the kids
[2025/08/14, 4:38:42] James: And as an elderly I will get along with the adults
[2025/08/14, 4:38:57] James: Learning and then teaching. Following and then leading.
[2025/08/14, 4:39:00] James: Or maybe not
[2025/08/14, 4:39:05] James: I don’t really mind
[2025/08/14, 4:39:18] James: I have this moment alone with my son sleeping nearby
[2025/08/14, 4:39:20] James: And I am happy
[2025/08/14, 5:03:24] James: .
[2025/08/14, 5:04:01] James: Haha. ‘Slander my name’. For a Reddit moniker. Still cracks me up.
[2025/08/14, 5:04:08] James: I’d have been the same though
[2025/08/14, 5:04:15] James: Still funny.
[2025/08/14, 5:04:20] James: .
[2025/08/14, 5:25:32] James: Saying good morning to the gaijin-gawpers instead of scowling at them and telling them to stop staring
[2025/08/14, 5:25:38] James: Who am I
[2025/08/14, 11:55:29] James: .
[2025/08/14, 11:56:08] James: Phwoar pretty knackered after a night being woken by bosozoku and my subsequent nap being trashed by the kids
[2025/08/14, 11:56:13] James: Got that stuff on the internet.
[2025/08/14, 11:56:16] James: That was fun
[2025/08/14, 11:56:27] James: It’s either real or good sci-fi so let’s see
[2025/08/14, 11:56:33] James: No skin off my nose either way to be honest
[2025/08/14, 11:56:45] James: I just want the ideas out there so people can have a seed planted
[2025/08/14, 11:56:52] James: If anyone is reading, ha!
[2025/08/14, 11:56:55] James: Probably nobody
[2025/08/14, 11:56:58] James: And that’s fine
[2025/08/14, 11:57:15] James: This is all me getting my head straight after that wild aripiprazole experience
[2025/08/14, 11:58:10] James: And I’ll cut our valproate altogether today
[2025/08/14, 11:58:18] James: It’s making me sluggish and making the experience hard to parse
[2025/08/14, 11:58:37] James: The new doctor can treat me as a new patient and I am done with the baggage of the past prescriptions
[2025/08/14, 11:58:51] James: I’ve never been one to play it safe and tapers have never worked. It’s all or nothing.
[2025/08/14, 16:59:01] James: .