20250815

[2025/08/15, 2:38:24] James: That is insane is the US military are using aripirazole for this kind of thing, along with changing how people think directly

[2025/08/15, 2:38:33] James: I’ll hunt down those patents Fred mentioned

[2025/08/15, 2:38:46] James: It lends credibility to the idea I might have actually done this

[2025/08/15, 3:06:02] James: .

[2025/08/15, 3:06:19] James: Guess I drifted off for a second but that email from Fred sure has piqued my interest

[2025/08/15, 3:06:46] James: The US military having patents pending on how you can track aripirazole with electromagnetic waves

[2025/08/15, 3:06:56] James: How they are trialling it for mind control

[2025/08/15, 3:07:02] James: To change the way people think

[2025/08/15, 3:07:16] James: The time stamps I was compelled to add

[2025/08/15, 3:07:29] James: Being convinced everything was for 6 months in the future

[2025/08/15, 3:07:34] James: I need to do a knife!

[2025/08/15, 3:07:45] James: Sorry doc

[2025/08/15, 3:07:56] James: This is waking up with my mind racing

[2025/08/15, 3:08:10] James: Well actually I woke up sluggish and tried to get back to bed but remembered the info from Fred

[2025/08/15, 3:08:21] James: It is exciting

[2025/08/15, 3:08:27] James: But also scary

[2025/08/15, 3:08:37] James: But I don’t think I’m attached to an outcome

[2025/08/15, 3:08:39] James: Just …

[2025/08/15, 3:08:40] James: Wow

[2025/08/15, 3:08:46] James: Mind blown indeed, Fred

[2025/08/15, 3:08:51] James: You weren’t fucking joking

[2025/08/15, 3:09:00] James: And why was that website of mine taken down

[2025/08/15, 3:46:57] James: .

[2025/08/15, 3:47:08] James: Just insane

[2025/08/15, 3:47:48] James: “Dude, I will blow your mind.  There are numerous patents (by the US airforce no less) on this exactly.  

You don't need radioactive material. You can use electromagnetic waves tuned to the protein  

You can even change behavior this way.”

[2025/08/15, 3:48:01] James: And this is from a guy who is building a company in brain imaging tech and AI

[2025/08/15, 3:48:02] James: A friend

[2025/08/15, 3:48:08] James: What the actual fuck

[2025/08/15, 3:48:25] James: Is this mania? Still keeping that on the radar because I have just stopped valproate

[2025/08/15, 3:48:36] James: But I think this is pretty justified mind-spinning

[2025/08/15, 3:48:56] James: And I’m not writing ‘like a maniac’ I am just trying to… export enough so I can sleep again

[2025/08/15, 3:48:57] James: Haha

[2025/08/15, 3:49:01] James: The eternal struggle

[2025/08/15, 3:49:08] James: What if it was real?

[2025/08/15, 3:49:13] James: Because that’s one hypothesis

[2025/08/15, 3:49:22] James: That I have been gradually killing this last month

[2025/08/15, 3:49:34] James: But which still feels right

[2025/08/15, 3:49:45] James: On an intuitive level

[2025/08/15, 3:49:54] James: Man I don’t want to worry my family more

[2025/08/15, 3:51:50] James: I still feel anxiety

[2025/08/15, 3:51:57] James: Who wouldn’t with something like this

[2025/08/15, 3:52:22] James: But it doesn’t bother me

[2025/08/15, 3:52:32] James: I just don’t want to have to carry on taking valproate

[2025/08/15, 8:33:45] James: .

[2025/08/15, 8:34:15] James: Even with this insane idea of the US military trialling mind control on me I seem able to detach and play computer games or enjoy things while I wait for an update

[2025/08/15, 8:34:22] James: To a degree, I imagine

[2025/08/15, 8:34:26] James: Let’s see

[2025/08/15, 8:34:31] James: Things are getting crazy again

[2025/08/15, 8:34:35] James: But I remain calm

[2025/08/15, 10:24:08] James: .

[2025/08/15, 10:24:31] James: My eyelids prefer to be half closed to see reality better

[2025/08/15, 10:24:35] James: Seeing without seeing

[2025/08/15, 10:24:42] James: Miyamoto Musashi

[2025/08/15, 10:24:49] James: Dristi eyes

[2025/08/15, 10:24:58] James: 残心

[2025/08/15, 13:56:49] James: .

[2025/08/15, 13:57:25] James: Today I have anxiety because of the idea that the US military are trialling technology that alters how you think by stimulating aripirazole

[2025/08/15, 13:57:34] James: That is ok

[2025/08/15, 13:57:39] James: It’s a bit of a silly hypothesis

[2025/08/15, 13:57:51] James: But the entire experience of the last few months was so …

[2025/08/15, 13:58:03] James: So far removed from anything I have experienced to date

[2025/08/15, 13:58:13] James: That I am looking for almost any possible explanation

[2025/08/15, 13:58:40] James: I think the most likely is that I used the hyperdopaminergic state to reprogram myself away from PTSD

[2025/08/15, 13:59:03] James: There is a lot of evidence for aripirazole being effective in this regard

[2025/08/15, 13:59:30] James: And Fred is a bit of a dreamer

[2025/08/15, 13:59:52] James: So no need to worry

[2025/08/15, 14:00:04] James: The drug isn’t in my system any more anyway; not in any meaningful way

[2025/08/15, 14:00:20] James: What I do seem to have is lasting peace

[2025/08/15, 14:00:22] James: As of now

[2025/08/15, 14:00:34] James: And it seems to be growing as I cultivate it

[2025/08/15, 14:00:55] James: So I don’t know if I… de-traumatised myself or something

[2025/08/15, 14:01:06] James: Let’s just walk.

[2025/08/15, 14:02:33] James: Peace within anxiety is a strange thing

[2025/08/15, 14:02:46] James: It would be nice to have some friends local to talk to

[2025/08/15, 14:02:55] James: Unfortunately I chose bad friends

[2025/08/15, 14:03:12] James: Or they chose me

[2025/08/15, 14:03:18] James: That guy stopped me in the street

[2025/08/15, 14:03:29] James: Probably a competitive thing. See a Bentley, try to dominate

[2025/08/15, 14:03:41] James: Whatever. Life is better in every way

[2025/08/15, 14:03:52] James: It’s new and confusing again and that’s better than old and predictable.

[2025/08/15, 14:05:14] James: Cutting our valproate altogether will also have lowered GABA levels which will make me anxious or jittery

[2025/08/15, 14:05:22] James: So let’s bear that in mind

[2025/08/15, 14:05:28] James: The brain chemistry is not stable

[2025/08/15, 14:05:42] James: So you are likely to feel more compulsion to answer things immediately

[2025/08/15, 14:05:51] James: I’ve been playing that computer game

[2025/08/15, 14:06:01] James: Great game. Clair Obscur.

[2025/08/15, 14:06:15] James: But I seem more able to recognise how it affects my phasic dopamine

[2025/08/15, 14:06:31] James: It’s fun but it’s stimulating and leaves me a little spikey for a while afterwards

[2025/08/15, 14:06:54] James: So I am playing it in smaller doses. The story is really engaging for this point in my life.

[2025/08/15, 14:07:20] James: But I recognise that forcing it, going too hard, will result in more phasic dopamine trends that carry over to other walks of life

[2025/08/15, 14:07:33] James: Anyway let’s get an ice cream.

[2025/08/15, 14:07:43] James: They are my staple food, not a craving :-p

[2025/08/15, 14:14:38] James: Ok so I am in the peak window for valproate withdrawal to flare up

[2025/08/15, 14:14:50] James: This would mean anxiety and irritability. Jitteriness. Maybe seizures.

[2025/08/15, 14:15:23] James: Let’s see how it goes.

[2025/08/15, 14:15:36] James: That’s good to know though. It explains the slight unease in my body today.

[2025/08/15, 14:22:13] James: I am looking forward to getting back to full baseline

[2025/08/15, 14:22:23] James: I don’t know what it will feel like

[2025/08/15, 14:22:24] James: Haha

[2025/08/15, 21:07:47] James: .

[2025/08/15, 21:08:01] James: Maybe I just reached the critical point of suffering through having a self

[2025/08/15, 21:08:10] James: And I destroyed the concept of self

[2025/08/15, 21:08:25] James: I am still james but james no longer needs to be defined

[2025/08/15, 21:08:43] James: Before he had to be Ironman. Had to be founder. Had to be ethical.

[2025/08/15, 21:08:51] James: Now I’m just ethical because it’s the right thing

[2025/08/15, 21:08:56] James: But I don’t have to be

[2025/08/15, 21:09:07] James: I don’t have to be a stream enterer. These things don’t need defining

[2025/08/15, 21:09:10] James: Silly words

[2025/08/15, 21:09:29] James: But the experience happened and the change is real so maybe other people have gone through similar things

[2025/08/15, 21:09:38] James: Probably over a much longer period of time.

[2025/08/15, 21:09:46] James: 30 years of meditation kinda long

[2025/08/15, 21:09:58] James: So they didn’t go quite as crazy in the process. Ha