20250816

[2025/08/16, 8:44:17] James: What you have to realise

[2025/08/16, 8:44:33] James: Is that I still have a naturally dysregulated dopamine system

[2025/08/16, 8:44:46] James: So I will always have the seed for craving in there

[2025/08/16, 8:45:21] James: And I will always be hyper motivated by most peoples standards

[2025/08/16, 8:45:36] James: But I understand the beast now

[2025/08/16, 8:45:42] James: And I know not to feed it

[2025/08/16, 8:45:53] James: And I am no longer attached to the outcome of my actions

[2025/08/16, 8:46:04] James: I take them, and I let them go

[2025/08/16, 8:46:10] James: And now I’m going to go water some flowers

[2025/08/16, 9:16:59] James: .

[2025/08/16, 9:17:10] James: So I still have the conditioned pangs of irritation or competitiveness

[2025/08/16, 9:17:22] James: These are habits of thought and they still arise

[2025/08/16, 9:17:28] James: But I see them and they are gone the second I do

[2025/08/16, 9:17:35] James: And they arise less and less by the day

[2025/08/16, 9:17:43] James: Because I can see how they were conditioned

[2025/08/16, 9:17:49] James: On the false belief in a lasting self

[2025/08/16, 9:18:06] James: Irritation, dominance, possession

[2025/08/16, 9:18:10] James: They are all falling away

[2025/08/16, 9:18:27] James: But the conditioned self still remains on a physiological and pre-cognition level

[2025/08/16, 9:18:43] James: I have a feeling that over the course of the coming months and years I will stop getting the pangs, eventually

[2025/08/16, 9:19:06] James: I will still have fight or flight when I see something dangerous and still the instinctual desire to protect myself and others

[2025/08/16, 9:19:22] James: But I believe that I will drift more and more toward the morality guideline I set for myself

[2025/08/16, 9:19:31] James: Better brain chemistry for the largest number of people

[2025/08/16, 9:19:36] James: With myself weighted as 1

[2025/08/16, 9:19:53] James: But I no longer believe that this better brain chemistry is something transient

[2025/08/16, 9:20:07] James: I believe that the majority of things I did to ‘improve’ brain chemistry

[2025/08/16, 9:20:48] James: Be it copious amounts of exercise, drugs, holiday experiences, gift giving, anything

[2025/08/16, 9:20:55] James: I can see that these were all phasic

[2025/08/16, 9:21:14] James: They all increased the spikiness of my dopamine, over time

[2025/08/16, 9:21:21] James: So I believe those will fall away

[2025/08/16, 9:21:40] James: I will still do them, maybe, but they will be motivated by something other than their outcome

[2025/08/16, 9:21:52] James: They will be spontaneous and natural occurrences of what is right and true

[2025/08/16, 9:22:16] James: Not some attempt to alleviate the deep rooted suffering that came about because of a sense of self-permanence

[2025/08/16, 9:23:06] James: The machine is still the machine

[2025/08/16, 9:23:10] James: But I have seen how it works

[2025/08/16, 9:23:35] James: I use it, rather than it using me

[2025/08/16, 9:23:43] James: Just like this black and white iPhone

[2025/08/16, 9:23:57] James: It is a tool that I tamed by removing the bells and whistles

[2025/08/16, 9:24:02] James: And so is my self

[2025/08/16, 9:24:58] James: But I still eat 6 ice creams a day

[2025/08/16, 9:25:00] James: Ha!

[2025/08/16, 9:28:49] James: .

[2025/08/16, 9:29:01] James: Each one of these ice creams is like the first I’ve ever eaten

[2025/08/16, 9:30:57] James: You will not be able to land until greed has been eradicated

[2025/08/16, 9:31:04] James: You don’t know what that means yet, but you will

[2025/08/16, 9:31:07] James: …

[2025/08/16, 9:31:09] James: Well…

[2025/08/16, 9:31:11] James: Now I know

[2025/08/16, 9:31:17] James: Thanks, ship!

[2025/08/16, 9:31:19] James: .

[2025/08/16, 9:32:13] James: The ship was me

[2025/08/16, 9:32:22] James: My higher being

[2025/08/16, 9:32:37] James: And it was fixing the contagion within

[2025/08/16, 9:32:49] James: And once the contagion was gone, I was allowed back

[2025/08/16, 9:32:53] James: But this is a new planet

[2025/08/16, 9:33:02] James: This is a planet not ravaged and broken

[2025/08/16, 9:33:21] James: Not full of dopaminergic gravity-wells

[2025/08/16, 9:33:42] James: I still believe we could use radioactive isotopes of aripiprazole to see where it pools and where it does not

[2025/08/16, 9:33:51] James: And in this way we can find a cure for adhd

[2025/08/16, 9:34:01] James: On a physiological level

[2025/08/16, 9:34:18] James: There will be differences in concentration volume

[2025/08/16, 9:34:27] James: For example alcohol caused a bottomless pit in my world

[2025/08/16, 9:35:11] James: And I think we would be able to actually SEE these pits within a brain that was scanned this way

[2025/08/16, 12:05:35] James: .

[2025/08/16, 12:05:56] James: And thanks to Lamb for making the music which tipped the balance and let the cascade happen.

[2025/08/16, 12:06:16] James: The first 2 songs on Backspace Unwind.

[2025/08/16, 14:33:55] James: .

[2025/08/16, 14:34:10] James: The sense of peace seems to be… increasing?

[2025/08/16, 14:34:13] James: I had a nap

[2025/08/16, 14:34:16] James: I wake up

[2025/08/16, 14:34:21] James: All is peace

[2025/08/16, 14:34:30] James: I have never known this

[2025/08/16, 14:34:50] James: My 7 year old kid with audhd is heading in the opposite direction though

[2025/08/16, 14:34:59] James: My dad mentioned a change in me when I was 7

[2025/08/16, 14:35:11] James: Maybe it’s natural for someone with dopamine dysregulation

[2025/08/16, 14:35:22] James: I really hope he doesn’t have to go through a life like mine

[2025/08/16, 14:35:30] James: He won’t; we have more knowledge

[2025/08/16, 14:36:00] James: I was undiagnosed and ignorant and ignorance is the root of evil deeds and suffering

[2025/08/16, 14:44:18] James: .

[2025/08/16, 14:44:21] James: Fuck man

[2025/08/16, 14:44:28] James: I think this is real, still

[2025/08/16, 14:44:36] James: The … what?

[2025/08/16, 14:44:39] James: I did it?

[2025/08/16, 14:44:48] James: I did what had to be done and removed my fetters?

[2025/08/16, 14:44:49] James: What?

[2025/08/16, 14:45:20] James: Disbelief yet confidence

[2025/08/16, 14:45:39] James: And it doesn’t really matter anyway

[2025/08/16, 14:45:47] James: Things are better. That is all.

[2025/08/16, 15:30:15] James: .

[2025/08/16, 15:30:17] James: Or rather:

[2025/08/16, 15:30:26] James: I removed the key blockage to removing my fetters

[2025/08/16, 15:30:33] James: The works starts now

[2025/08/16, 15:30:37] James: But it doesn’t feel like work

[2025/08/16, 15:30:45] James: It feels easy, enjoyable, fated

[2025/08/16, 15:30:57] James: Nonlinear. There will be days, I’m sure

[2025/08/16, 15:31:08] James: But without a self to cling to, those days …

[2025/08/16, 15:31:22] James: Wait - isn’t this supposed to be peak valproate withdrawal?

[2025/08/16, 15:31:28] James: So this is one of those days

[2025/08/16, 15:31:29] James: Ha

[2025/08/16, 15:49:41] James: Yeah there’s a little jitteriness but… man. It’s academic