20250818

[2025/08/18, 11:03:54] James: What I have to stress

[2025/08/18, 11:04:11] James: Is that I just think I’ve reached the same level of satisfaction as many of the people around me

[2025/08/18, 11:04:17] James: I have gone from hungry ghost to human

[2025/08/18, 11:04:32] James: But with insight about why I became a hungry ghost and as such the ability to prevent it

[2025/08/18, 11:04:43] James: I have been through the hells and I know where they come from

[2025/08/18, 11:04:46] James: Self interest

[2025/08/18, 11:04:48] James: Craving

[2025/08/18, 11:04:49] James: Anger

[2025/08/18, 11:04:51] James: Delusion

[2025/08/18, 11:04:54] James: It’s all the same

[2025/08/18, 11:05:13] James: The delusion we can hold onto things, mind states, thoughts, people, life

[2025/08/18, 11:05:15] James: We cannot

[2025/08/18, 11:05:19] James: We will lose them all

[2025/08/18, 11:05:26] James: That is the truth

[2025/08/18, 11:05:37] James: They are who we are at that point in time

[2025/08/18, 11:05:39] James: And they pass

[2025/08/18, 11:05:45] James: Same for nirvana

[2025/08/18, 11:05:52] James: The Buddha said you can experience nirvana

[2025/08/18, 11:06:14] James: And the untrained will believe ‘I am / I am not in nirvana’

[2025/08/18, 11:06:18] James: But even nirvana is transient

[2025/08/18, 11:06:32] James: And he stressed this in one of his most important discourses

[2025/08/18, 11:06:35] James: Even that passes

[2025/08/18, 11:06:43] James: And if you cling, it becomes a source of suffering

[2025/08/18, 11:06:52] James: The extinguishment of rebirth is what he talked about

[2025/08/18, 11:07:04] James: You could no doubt become a hungry ghost in your search for nirvana

[2025/08/18, 11:07:11] James: You taste the bliss and you crave more

[2025/08/18, 11:07:27] James: I felt dirty, in a way, after my experience and the initial bliss had died down

[2025/08/18, 11:07:34] James: I worried that I would cling to it again

[2025/08/18, 11:07:38] James: But I did not

[2025/08/18, 11:07:40] James: And I am changed

[2025/08/18, 11:07:47] James: I am not a messiah or anything like that

[2025/08/18, 11:08:02] James: I’m just fixed from a lifetime of trauma and undiagnosed audhd

[2025/08/18, 11:08:10] James: I have a fresh start

[2025/08/18, 11:08:26] James: But a fresh start with *understanding*

[2025/08/18, 11:08:36] James: And the chance to grow

[2025/08/18, 11:08:41] James: To not make the same mistakes again

[2025/08/18, 11:08:50] James: Mistakes that were pushed on me by my circumstance

[2025/08/18, 11:08:57] James: Fighting with them is what makes you sick

[2025/08/18, 11:09:02] James: And I will not become sick again

[2025/08/18, 12:09:53] James: .

[2025/08/18, 12:10:10] James: Apologies - nirvana itself is not transient and can be accessed by anyone who clears their karma

[2025/08/18, 12:10:24] James: But neither is it ‘you’ and you cannot cling to abiding in it.

[2025/08/18, 12:10:30] James: That’s what I mean by transient.

[2025/08/18, 12:10:37] James: The state itself is reality, unfiltered.

[2025/08/18, 12:10:52] James: But you cannot intentionally live there through force of will.

[2025/08/18, 13:13:58] James: .

[2025/08/18, 13:14:23] James: So the Buddha himself didn’t let his guard down

[2025/08/18, 13:14:51] James: He mentioned specifically that he encountered Mara - doubt, temptation, the whisperer - for the rest of his life even after enlightenment

[2025/08/18, 13:15:02] James: That he should just stop working and rest

[2025/08/18, 13:15:10] James: The temptations of the senses

[2025/08/18, 13:15:47] James: I have not removed all the taints like he did. I am only on step one with the removal of false self and doubt in the 4 noble truths (as I have seen them - dvar)

[2025/08/18, 13:16:08] James: But the idea was never ‘once and done’

[2025/08/18, 13:16:17] James: It was that you see the true joy of an unconditioned mind

[2025/08/18, 13:16:36] James: And then you ensure that it stays unconditioned so you don’t fall back into your old ways

[2025/08/18, 13:16:39] James: So that’s what I’ll do

[2025/08/18, 13:16:44] James: With ice cream :-)

[2025/08/18, 16:37:16] James: .

[2025/08/18, 16:37:19] James: That’s better

[2025/08/18, 16:37:38] James: I was out with friends I’ve not seen for a while, 4 young kids and 5 adults including one new person

[2025/08/18, 16:37:49] James: I find this kind of situation enjoyable but exhausting

[2025/08/18, 16:38:00] James: I’m honest about this now. I know the system limitations.

[2025/08/18, 16:38:10] James: 2 hours of driving

[2025/08/18, 16:38:24] James: It left me with spiky dvar

[2025/08/18, 16:38:51] James: I found myself clinging to thoughts of ‘how was this interpreted’ a little. A thought pattern I’ve had my whole life

[2025/08/18, 16:39:07] James: Highly sensitive person with adhd; life will do that to you

[2025/08/18, 16:39:24] James: Anyway I got back and was not feeling too calm. Not bouncing off the walls but a bit of head noise

[2025/08/18, 16:39:46] James: So I start with a big new knife and work on the large material removal to shape the bevel

[2025/08/18, 16:39:59] James: This takes a long time and is a lot of big, full-body motions

[2025/08/18, 16:40:03] James: Just what I needed

[2025/08/18, 16:40:15] James: I do that for 30 minutes and dvar is down to about 0.3

[2025/08/18, 16:40:22] James: I’ll start quantifying this again actually

[2025/08/18, 16:40:26] James: It was 0.6 when I got home

[2025/08/18, 16:40:37] James: So 0.3 maybe by the end of knives

[2025/08/18, 16:40:44] James: And then I feel ready for sitting meditation

[2025/08/18, 16:40:59] James: My mind is still a bit latchy to thoughts but not much

[2025/08/18, 16:41:13] James: And 15 minutes later I’m down to a comfortable 0.15

[2025/08/18, 16:41:20] James: This is how you do it, I think

[2025/08/18, 16:41:28] James: You start with the big and work to the small

[2025/08/18, 16:41:34] James: You go for that run but not too hard

[2025/08/18, 16:41:44] James: You focus on the motion. Big movements. Big feedback

[2025/08/18, 16:42:00] James: Then you step down to knives or knitting or rocking or walking

[2025/08/18, 16:42:06] James: Again using it as a focal point

[2025/08/18, 16:42:29] James: And then you can get to the more subtle vibrations using sitting meditation

[2025/08/18, 16:42:34] James: Think of it like a wave pool

[2025/08/18, 16:42:45] James: The waves are big at first and need more force to tame them

[2025/08/18, 16:42:55] James: And as they get smaller, you move to more subtle means

[2025/08/18, 16:43:00] James: This is a relief

[2025/08/18, 16:43:04] James: I still have adhd

[2025/08/18, 16:43:14] James: The use of the word ‘cure’ is provocative

[2025/08/18, 16:43:26] James: This is how I was born - hyper motivated

[2025/08/18, 16:43:32] James: But I’ve been able to reset it

[2025/08/18, 16:43:40] James: And I think I know how to keep it reset

[2025/08/18, 16:43:45] James: Using these meditations

[2025/08/18, 16:43:55] James: So I’ll probably start filling that page in soon

[2025/08/18, 16:44:06] James: Because that will help people immediately

[2025/08/18, 16:44:13] James: And I have no desire to actually build a company

[2025/08/18, 16:44:35] James: Just to prompt other people into doing so and maybe act as an advisor and ad-hoc recruiter

[2025/08/18, 16:44:46] James: But I don’t want to be tied into the results and the money

[2025/08/18, 16:44:50] James: Definitely not the money

[2025/08/18, 16:44:53] James: Hate the stuff

[2025/08/18, 16:44:53] James: Ha

[2025/08/18, 16:45:05] James: So let’s see if I can set up a new meditation space on a 2f balcony

[2025/08/18, 16:45:25] James: Don’t wanna scare the local kids with my furious knifing. Ha!

[2025/08/18, 17:34:11] James: .

[2025/08/18, 17:34:13] James: Hmm

[2025/08/18, 17:34:30] James: So tagging aripiprazole wouldn’t track dopamine in the brain; it would track where the ari sat

[2025/08/18, 17:34:49] James: How might you infer things from this? Behavioural changes? Cravings?

[2025/08/18, 17:35:02] James: My cravings for anything disappeared when I was aripirazole

[2025/08/18, 17:35:08] James: Maybe that route is a dud

[2025/08/18, 17:35:14] James: The medicine matching seems legit

[2025/08/18, 17:35:27] James: Oh well. Bear in mind but don’t pursue actively

[2025/08/18, 17:35:41] James: I think probably the most important things I’ve learned from all this are personal

[2025/08/18, 17:35:56] James: And how to manage adhd using meditation

[2025/08/18, 17:36:10] James: The trauma therapy with aripirazole is very valid though

[2025/08/18, 17:36:23] James: Whatever happened to me was real and I remain reset

[2025/08/18, 17:36:43] James: A bit disappointing but hey; I’m not a scientist in the area

[2025/08/18, 17:36:48] James: So

[2025/08/18, 17:36:51] James: Trauma therapy

[2025/08/18, 17:36:57] James: That’s the key one

[2025/08/18, 17:37:06] James: I wonder how traumatised I was

[2025/08/18, 17:37:14] James: Probably fairly high on the spectrum I guess

[2025/08/18, 17:37:19] James: Life was really hard

[2025/08/18, 17:37:22] James: And getting harder

[2025/08/18, 17:37:38] James: And now it’s not

[2025/08/18, 17:37:44] James: So long as I keep things managed

[2025/08/18, 17:37:56] James: What a fucking saga though

[2025/08/18, 17:38:04] James: I hope I don’t go back to hungry ghost

[2025/08/18, 17:38:08] James: Man I would hate that

[2025/08/18, 17:38:20] James: It’s not going to happen though

[2025/08/18, 17:38:28] James: The idea is scary as fuck

[2025/08/18, 17:38:38] James: But it won’t happen

[2025/08/18, 17:38:43] James: Because I know how it happened

[2025/08/18, 17:38:52] James: Cultivating too much of a latch

[2025/08/18, 17:38:59] James: And a minor latch to the aripirazole idea I guess

[2025/08/18, 17:39:04] James: But that’s just one of many

[2025/08/18, 17:39:09] James: And I never want to work again so….

[2025/08/18, 17:39:14] James: Fuck it

[2025/08/18, 17:39:15] James: Ha

[2025/08/18, 17:39:17] James: :-)

[2025/08/18, 17:49:12] James: .

[2025/08/18, 17:49:23] James: Still don’t like being wrong, do you James?

[2025/08/18, 17:49:27] James: That’s the self image again

[2025/08/18, 17:49:32] James: The false self

[2025/08/18, 17:49:44] James: Attached to something

[2025/08/18, 17:49:56] James: Whereas there is nothing to attach with

[2025/08/18, 17:50:02] James: These ideas are all flux

[2025/08/18, 17:50:11] James: Everything always changing

[2025/08/18, 17:50:21] James: The data you had was incomplete so the idea was incomplete

[2025/08/18, 17:50:28] James: It’s that simple

[2025/08/18, 17:50:36] James: On to the next

[2025/08/18, 17:51:13] James: The idea was good but there’s millions of scientists out there working on stuff in incremental steps

[2025/08/18, 17:51:36] James: That was a layman’s leap. Not a bad one. Pretty close. Dopamine analog in the brain.

[2025/08/18, 17:51:42] James: You just chose the wrong analog

[2025/08/18, 17:51:46] James: Not bad for a layman

[2025/08/18, 17:51:56] James: But the trauma release is real

[2025/08/18, 17:52:00] James: And also being studied

[2025/08/18, 17:52:13] James: But I think it could be much more than just a fix for traumatised people

[2025/08/18, 17:52:17] James: But who cares really

[2025/08/18, 17:52:28] James: You released the trauma to date

[2025/08/18, 17:52:45] James: Just don’t attach to ideas of permanence and you likely won’t build up any more

[2025/08/18, 17:52:50] James: Anyway shower then aikido