20250821

Note to the people trying to contact me on reddit: that account was also banned and has a 7 day block on it now. Good old skruffybaggyboy using the only tool in his arsenal. I'll get back to you when the suspension is lifted, but I only usually do electronic communication on Wednesdays. Those drugs ain't weed, my peeps.

[2025/08/21, 8:59:20] James: That meditation was lovely

[2025/08/21, 8:59:25] James: 45 minutes and effortless

[2025/08/21, 8:59:32] James: I was focusing on the area under my eyes, the squinting muscles

[2025/08/21, 8:59:59] James: I always struggled to keep my focus on my breath because the area around my eyes would be too tense

[2025/08/21, 9:00:31] James: To be precise: the muscles at the side of the nose, near where a pair of glasses would sit. This is where I felt my 'fishhook motivation'

[2025/08/21, 9:00:33] James: Now…

[2025/08/21, 9:00:36] James: I think I know why

[2025/08/21, 9:00:48] James: When I was messed up I think I was attuned to how dopamine felt in my body

[2025/08/21, 9:01:08] James: Because aripiprazole is a larger molecule, maybe, or the spikes were bigger

[2025/08/21, 9:02:28] James: But this was the case in my SN Goenka retreat and I always tried to pull my attention elsewhere but struggled

[2025/08/21, 9:02:42] James: I now think that this is be sensing the release of dopamine, or its downstream effects

[2025/08/21, 9:02:44] James: Crazy yeah

[2025/08/21, 9:02:48] James: Let’s check later; facts don't really matter if the sensation is helpful

[2025/08/21, 9:03:07] James: Anyway what I noticed was that there was a kind of throbbing or pulsating tension there

[2025/08/21, 9:03:23] James: Very subtle for the most part; if you have tension in the rest of your face you won’t notice it

[2025/08/21, 9:03:40] James: But this pulsing is there, and when things get really quiet you can actually see it in your vision

[2025/08/21, 9:03:57] James: A kind of pulsating of the peripherals. A gradual widening and closing of perception

[2025/08/21, 9:04:21] James: Then if you observe for long enough there is occasionally a release of tension and a kind of washing out of the pulsation

[2025/08/21, 9:04:28] James: It stops for a while and your face goes slack

[2025/08/21, 9:04:38] James: Just like mine did for the first 2 weeks of aripiprazole

[2025/08/21, 9:04:56] James: I think this is your dopamine stepping up to a higher tonic baseline

[2025/08/21, 9:05:12] James: What I noticed was that about 20-30 seconds after this release I would feel a strong drive to move

[2025/08/21, 9:05:22] James: To get up or walk around or change position

[2025/08/21, 9:05:51] James: I sat through this without acting for the first two times and afterward I settled back in, with more focus than before

[2025/08/21, 9:06:29] James: After that my back started to hurt so when the drive came I changed position and then settled back in

[2025/08/21, 9:07:03] James: I didn’t notice the same increase in focus though, and the flushes kind of ceased

[2025/08/21, 9:07:14] James: So I think maybe this is a higher baseline being established

[2025/08/21, 9:07:23] James: And then the drive to move because of more dopamine

[2025/08/21, 9:07:32] James: But if you don’t move, you are able to use that to focus

[2025/08/21, 9:07:37] James: This might all be bullshit

[2025/08/21, 9:07:38] James: Ha

[2025/08/21, 9:08:28] James: Anyway I ended with a little vocalisation which felt lovely, and then I stood up slowly. 45 effortless minutes

[2025/08/21, 9:08:32] James: The change

[2025/08/21, 9:08:37] James: Is that I view it as training now

[2025/08/21, 9:09:02] James: I am preparing my brain chemistry to experience nibbana again, in a self-directed and controlled manner

[2025/08/21, 9:09:16] James: And the way I do this is by training the muscles

[2025/08/21, 9:09:20] James: step by step

[2025/08/21, 9:09:31] James: To provide higher tonic dopamine and less phasic dopamine

[2025/08/21, 9:09:47] James: Opening the gates to the glands

[2025/08/21, 9:09:53] James: So that they remain more consistently open

[2025/08/21, 9:09:55] James: Or whatever

[2025/08/21, 9:09:56] James: Ha

[2025/08/21, 9:10:01] James: I’m not a neuroscientist

[2025/08/21, 9:10:05] James: I need a neuroscientist

[2025/08/21, 10:03:37] James: .

[2025/08/21, 10:03:58] James: So I think adhd and asd go together

[2025/08/21, 10:04:11] James: I’ll elaborate soon but my adhd caused my asd, I’m sure

[2025/08/21, 10:04:12] James: Anyway

[2025/08/21, 10:04:30] James: This is all due to increase propensity toward phasic dopamine

[2025/08/21, 10:04:43] James: This means high sensitivities and big thrills and spills

[2025/08/21, 10:05:05] James: It also means flights of fancy and extremism thinking because the carrot on the stick of thought is oh so delicious looking

[2025/08/21, 10:05:15] James: And then bigger disappointments when we can’t get it if course

[2025/08/21, 10:05:24] James: But the bigger burst of dopamine mean faster learning

[2025/08/21, 10:05:32] James: Faster dysregulated selective learning

[2025/08/21, 10:05:40] James: We choose a topic and it just encodes like fuck

[2025/08/21, 10:05:49] James: We become experts in months

[2025/08/21, 10:06:00] James: And then we often take it further

[2025/08/21, 10:06:12] James: All of the smartest people I encountered in my job were on the spectrum

[2025/08/21, 10:06:28] James: And the best founders have them both - the rng of adhd and the reining in of autism

[2025/08/21, 10:06:37] James: Einstein had both

[2025/08/21, 10:06:43] James: Musk probably does

[2025/08/21, 10:06:55] James: His dvar has been cranked far too high and I still think I can help him

[2025/08/21, 10:06:57] James: But

[2025/08/21, 10:07:11] James: The point is that we have very good selective learning capabilities

[2025/08/21, 10:07:20] James: At the expense of global learning capabilities

[2025/08/21, 10:07:29] James: So we do not see the forest

[2025/08/21, 10:07:32] James: We see the tree

[2025/08/21, 10:07:38] James: We know the tree intimately

[2025/08/21, 10:07:45] James: And then we extrapolate to the forest

[2025/08/21, 10:07:54] James: And this is another cause of the ‘lack of empathy’ bullshit

[2025/08/21, 10:08:01] James: We are selectively empathetic

[2025/08/21, 10:08:06] James: (Not through choice)

[2025/08/21, 10:08:18] James: And our emotions are so much stronger than the average

[2025/08/21, 10:08:31] James: So we can’t possibly grasp how someone could talk feelings would trying to fix them

[2025/08/21, 10:08:36] James: Especially not while sat still

[2025/08/21, 10:08:46] James: Talk to us while walking and you’ll have a much better time of it

[2025/08/21, 10:09:07] James: Or let us pace in the office while on the phone

[2025/08/21, 10:09:16] James: It’s all to bring ourselves more in line with the norm.

[2025/08/21, 10:21:25] James: .

[2025/08/21, 10:21:28] James: Man.

[2025/08/21, 10:21:41] James: I can’t handle the level of chaos and mess on the floor in our old house

[2025/08/21, 10:21:44] James: Still autistic

[2025/08/21, 10:21:47] James: But aware of it now

[2025/08/21, 10:21:58] James: How did I survive 4 decades

[2025/08/21, 12:06:57] James: .

[2025/08/21, 12:07:13] James: Tired today after all the driving, summer holidays, waking up early, shopping mall

[2025/08/21, 12:07:16] James: All good tho

[2025/08/21, 12:07:29] James: Not like you don’t get tired any more just cos you touched the unconditioned

[2025/08/21, 14:21:00] James: .

[2025/08/21, 14:21:09] James: Woken up from a nap with my brain chemistry a bit off

[2025/08/21, 14:21:17] James: Off

[2025/08/21, 14:21:19] James: Hmm

[2025/08/21, 14:21:24] James: What does that even mean?

[2025/08/21, 14:21:31] James: ‘Not sunny’?

[2025/08/21, 14:21:43] James: The whole point of it is that it’s ups and downs

[2025/08/21, 14:21:50] James: Hopefully less pronounced than before

[2025/08/21, 14:22:02] James: Or more aware of their transient nature

[2025/08/21, 14:22:23] James: This is the nature of it

[2025/08/21, 14:22:30] James: A little rng

[2025/08/21, 14:22:44] James: There doesn’t even need to be a reason

[2025/08/21, 14:23:49] James: Let’s tidy up the kids park

[2025/08/21, 14:24:03] James: Either some older kids have dumped loads of rubbish there

[2025/08/21, 14:24:07] James: Or - more likely

[2025/08/21, 14:24:14] James: The crows have gotten into it

[2025/08/21, 14:24:22] James: I’ll tidy it

[2025/08/21, 14:24:29] James: Keep the area nice for them

[2025/08/21, 14:24:35] James: And it’ll make me feel better

[2025/08/21, 14:24:46] James: Look after the ship inhabitants to look after yourself

[2025/08/21, 14:35:19] James: .

[2025/08/21, 14:35:24] James: Well that was easy and felt good

[2025/08/21, 14:35:46] James: The local kids were offering to help

[2025/08/21, 14:35:56] James: I think some of it was dropped by them because they were apologetic

[2025/08/21, 14:36:04] James: Previous me might have been angry

[2025/08/21, 14:36:33] James: But now it’s just like ‘they’re kids and this is a better way to teach them’

[2025/08/21, 14:36:41] James: Luca was eager to help. Couldn’t stop him.

[2025/08/21, 14:36:47] James: Anyway brain chemistry improved

[2025/08/21, 14:36:53] James: Now to sit and chill

[2025/08/21, 14:38:12] James: Lead by example eh

[2025/08/21, 19:05:44] James: .

[2025/08/21, 19:05:48] James: Today was overwhelming

[2025/08/21, 19:06:16] James: Child 2 is very outgoing and ended up with high dvar and unable to leave people alone after playing like a madman outside

[2025/08/21, 19:06:36] James: Me and child 1 are staying separate tonight and he is relieved too

[2025/08/21, 19:06:43] James: Stimulation is stimulation

[2025/08/21, 19:06:49] James: Need to figure out a way to manage it

[2025/08/21, 19:06:54] James: Anyway feel better after some knife

[2025/08/21, 19:07:19] James: Set up the little balcony in the room I’ll be using so it has a space for knife, writing and meditating

[2025/08/21, 19:07:38] James: There’s a spider there which always makes this nice little neat little web

[2025/08/21, 19:07:44] James: Maybe 25x25cm

[2025/08/21, 19:07:54] James: And waits patiently

[2025/08/21, 19:08:03] James: I feel a certain affinity

[2025/08/21, 19:08:29] James: I’ll try to build a ‘training schedule’ for getting brains ready to encounter nibbana

[2025/08/21, 19:08:42] James: Because I think that you will need a fairly solid amount of training to withstand it

[2025/08/21, 19:08:59] James: I could barely contain it, though I might have been held there longer than usual because it was chemical induced

[2025/08/21, 19:09:08] James: That Akira art

[2025/08/21, 19:09:14] James: I guess it’s nibbana isn’t it

[2025/08/21, 19:09:29] James: And I got it contained in those hands that I furiously made on the night of my enlightenment

[2025/08/21, 19:09:34] James: Or rather:

[2025/08/21, 19:09:38] James: My first enlightenment

[2025/08/21, 19:09:43] James: Because it’s not once and done

[2025/08/21, 20:35:11] James: .

[2025/08/21, 20:35:16] James: The stars are so beautiful

[2025/08/21, 20:35:27] James: Even the noise of the cars when they hit the road

[2025/08/21, 20:35:39] James: The crickets and the leaves rustling

[2025/08/21, 20:35:58] James: Just…

[2025/08/21, 20:36:04] James: Being able to stop and smell the roses

[2025/08/21, 20:36:15] James: That thing people always told me to do.

[2025/08/21, 20:36:18] James: Give me a while

[2025/08/21, 20:37:17] James: Beautiful

[2025/08/21, 20:37:32] James: I just did another evening meditation

[2025/08/21, 20:37:37] James: 35 effortless minutes

[2025/08/21, 20:37:48] James: No more gritting the teeth and trying to force thoughts away

[2025/08/21, 20:37:54] James: No wondering if I’m doing it right

[2025/08/21, 20:38:04] James: I know why I am doing it now so it is easy

[2025/08/21, 20:38:08] James: It is a training plan

[2025/08/21, 20:38:14] James: I just finished my A race

[2025/08/21, 20:38:16] James: Nibbana

[2025/08/21, 20:38:22] James: I placed on the podium

[2025/08/21, 20:38:30] James: And then I had a whole off

[2025/08/21, 20:38:36] James: Absolute potato mode

[2025/08/21, 20:38:43] James: Insane potato mode

[2025/08/21, 20:38:45] James: Recovery

[2025/08/21, 20:38:50] James: Always need it after a big race

[2025/08/21, 20:38:56] James: And then you start your training again slowly

[2025/08/21, 20:39:02] James: But now I know what the race is

[2025/08/21, 20:39:06] James: I know why I am training

[2025/08/21, 20:39:12] James: It is not intervals

[2025/08/21, 20:39:28] James: I am taking it easy. Zone 2. Just enough effort to know you’re working but nothing more

[2025/08/21, 20:39:37] James: The reason for the workouts are clear

[2025/08/21, 20:39:53] James: To build the capacity to handle the dataflow from nibbana

[2025/08/21, 20:40:02] James: Build the neuronal capacity

[2025/08/21, 20:40:19] James: But also to build the endocronilogical capacity

[2025/08/21, 20:40:38] James: To train my system to be able to hold higher levels of tonic dopamine and lower levels of dvar

[2025/08/21, 20:41:16] James: I still don’t know 100% if dvar is phasic dopamine but I think it is, or it is something closely aligned to it that describes the subjective experience

[2025/08/21, 20:41:21] James: But I know why I am doing the work

[2025/08/21, 20:41:29] James: And I know what form the work should take

[2025/08/21, 20:41:32] James: So the work is easy

[2025/08/21, 20:41:40] James: I always built my own training plans

[2025/08/21, 20:41:46] James: I could never use one out of the box

[2025/08/21, 20:41:49] James: I tried

[2025/08/21, 20:42:04] James: Nope. I needed to figure out the fundamental particles and build my own

[2025/08/21, 20:42:08] James: Accountability

[2025/08/21, 20:42:21] James: Now I know the fundamental particles of enlightenment

[2025/08/21, 20:42:33] James: And I know that a moment of nibbana is worth a lifetime asleep

[2025/08/21, 20:42:57] James: Just like zone 2 is the foundation of Ironman and you add a tiny little sprint at the finish line

[2025/08/21, 20:43:15] James: The foundations of nibbana are strong neuronal capacity and steady elevated dopamine

[2025/08/21, 20:43:35] James: I think my neuronal capacity is lowered at the moment. And dopamine is still realigning.

[2025/08/21, 20:43:45] James: So I am gently warming up for the season’s training

[2025/08/21, 20:43:58] James: Nothing major yet. It will be a long season

[2025/08/21, 20:44:08] James: But it will be enjoyable and this is a goal worth pursuing

[2025/08/21, 20:44:20] James: Although even the pursuit of the goal may eventually fall away

[2025/08/21, 20:44:23] James: But for now…

[2025/08/21, 20:44:28] James: I am the forager ant

[2025/08/21, 20:44:36] James: I have always been the forager ant

[2025/08/21, 20:44:40] James: I go and find the food

[2025/08/21, 20:44:46] James: And I show the others where it is

[2025/08/21, 20:44:50] James: And I leave a map

[2025/08/21, 20:44:54] James: And they follow

[2025/08/21, 20:44:59] James: But I go on to the next peak

[2025/08/21, 20:45:07] James: Never stopping to rest on my laurels

[2025/08/21, 20:45:16] James: And that is what I am doing again

[2025/08/21, 20:45:29] James: This time with enlightenment, of all things

[2025/08/21, 20:45:42] James: Way to go, james

[2025/08/21, 20:45:52] James: This is a worth cause, if ever there was one

[2025/08/21, 20:45:59] James: This is the most worthy cause there could be

[2025/08/21, 20:46:14] James: Mara, old buddy, you’re always there

[2025/08/21, 20:46:21] James: I know you mean well

[2025/08/21, 20:46:31] James: But you don’t have any sway over me any more

[2025/08/21, 20:47:02] James: I’ll try to share this training plan over the next few days

[2025/08/21, 20:47:07] James: So much stuff still to unpack

[2025/08/21, 20:47:12] James: Exciting work

[2025/08/21, 20:47:16] James: But also relaxing

[2025/08/21, 20:47:26] James: There’s no fishhooks in my cheeks any more

[2025/08/21, 20:47:30] James: No self-interest

[2025/08/21, 20:47:40] James: Because I am liberated from the self

[2025/08/21, 20:47:48] James: The self is always changing and I can live in the moment

[2025/08/21, 20:48:12] James: It is impossible to explain the difference

[2025/08/21, 20:48:20] James: Was I asleep all those years?

[2025/08/21, 20:48:26] James: I’ll be asleep soon! Ha!

[2025/08/21, 20:48:37] James: That’s for sure. Luca knackered me out today

[2025/08/21, 20:48:46] James: Forager ant eh

[2025/08/21, 20:48:50] James: Needed a bit of a break

[2025/08/21, 20:48:54] James: Go back to my roots

[2025/08/21, 20:49:06] James: Solve other peoples problems by solving your own

[2025/08/21, 20:49:09] James: Weave that web

[2025/08/21, 20:49:12] James: Play that game

[2025/08/21, 20:49:22] James: Reach critical mass

[2025/08/21, 20:49:24] James: Change the world

[2025/08/21, 20:49:31] James: First…

[2025/08/21, 20:49:39] James: Go to bed :-)

[2025/08/21, 20:49:44] James: Happy dreams james

[2025/08/21, 20:49:46] James: Or not

[2025/08/21, 20:49:59] James: It’s all just a flow

[2025/08/21, 20:50:07] James: From the start of time to the end

[2025/08/21, 20:50:13] James: And you are curating your own cage again