20250822

[2025/08/22, 4:53:57] James: Wow

[2025/08/22, 4:54:05] James: I had a prolonged dream there

[2025/08/22, 4:54:16] James: Where 4-5 dreams merge into one. You know the type.

[2025/08/22, 4:54:39] James: And this dream was me carving the delusion out of my mind

[2025/08/22, 4:54:42] James: Using writing

[2025/08/22, 4:55:00] James: I was sat there looking at some of the beliefs I came out of the aripiprazole experience with

[2025/08/22, 4:55:11] James: And I was cutting out the delusional parts

[2025/08/22, 4:55:27] James: So that I was just left with the truth

[2025/08/22, 4:55:45] James: This is … wow. My dreams have always been realistic but they have never been like that

[2025/08/22, 4:56:00] James: It was sad; carving out some of the new belief system

[2025/08/22, 4:56:11] James: But the parts I was removing were not the important parts

[2025/08/22, 4:56:32] James: They were the … well … it was a dream so I don’t remember

[2025/08/22, 4:56:44] James: But I woke up and it was done. And I think those parts are gone

[2025/08/22, 4:59:20] James: And this is how dreams work, isn’t it

[2025/08/22, 4:59:36] James: They’re where you curate your understanding of the world

[2025/08/22, 5:00:22] James: And it seems that the explanation my brain built in the midst of things

[2025/08/22, 5:00:27] James: Is not completely unshakeable

[2025/08/22, 5:00:44] James: And as I digest and write, the understanding of the world is falling into place

[2025/08/22, 5:00:56] James: But the stuff about craving and regulation and dvar

[2025/08/22, 5:01:02] James: That’s still firmly in there

[2025/08/22, 5:01:20] James: But it’s also not so firm that scientific evidence would not change it, I think

[2025/08/22, 5:01:26] James: So yeah

[2025/08/22, 5:01:37] James: The Buddha must have touched nibbana multiple times

[2025/08/22, 5:01:49] James: And he talked about the 3 roots to remove

[2025/08/22, 5:02:06] James: Craving, anger and delusion

[2025/08/22, 5:03:15] James: The first one is mostly gone. It was gone altogether for a while there but I am eating ice cream and living in the world and it will always return based on sense input

[2025/08/22, 5:04:01] James: Hatred also fell away, for the most part, but again it’s not fully gone. I still have some fight in me. But not... hatred. That’s the wrong word. And I’m not attached to winning any more because the greed for reputation is gone.

[2025/08/22, 5:04:45] James: Delusion was the problem, really. The drugs were very powerful for me. They messed me up. And a lot of the way I held on to my mind was creating a delusion that couldn’t be easily disproven

[2025/08/22, 5:04:59] James: Or couldn’t be disproven based on my understanding of the world at that moment

[2025/08/22, 5:05:10] James: But the understanding of the world can still change and evolve

[2025/08/22, 5:05:27] James: As said, nibbana is only the beginning

[2025/08/22, 5:05:55] James: So it was a very deep reprogramming that consolidated life to that point and fixed the conflict between my logical and emotional mind

[2025/08/22, 5:06:04] James: But it is not unshakeable

[2025/08/22, 5:06:17] James: This is what the b-man said though; stream entry

[2025/08/22, 5:06:32] James: It’s the first encounter with nibbana and it does not leave you fully purified

[2025/08/22, 5:07:07] James: It just consolidates things to that point; and then you are able to observe better from there and probably consolidate again in a few years

[2025/08/22, 5:07:18] James: But in the meantime your dreams will do the job for you

[2025/08/22, 5:07:31] James: As will meditation

[2025/08/22, 5:07:36] James: And writing

[2025/08/22, 5:07:43] James: And writing in your dreams I guess!

[2025/08/22, 5:08:07] James: It was kinda sad

[2025/08/22, 5:08:19] James: But kind of relieving

[2025/08/22, 5:08:25] James: Because I want to make this into science

[2025/08/22, 5:08:34] James: And science has to be right, really, doesn’t it

[2025/08/22, 5:10:50] James: What did he say?

[2025/08/22, 5:11:12] James: Go not long into the world, bikkhus, or something like that

[2025/08/22, 5:11:48] James: I imagine this is because you are not immune

[2025/08/22, 5:11:52] James: You are merely reset

[2025/08/22, 5:12:05] James: And you need to hold onto the new baseline with daily practice

[2025/08/22, 5:12:15] James: This is just adhd medication in a behaviour

[2025/08/22, 5:12:35] James: Man I’ve been eaten by something while I slept and I still itch like a bastard

[2025/08/22, 5:12:58] James: Think it’s a buyo. Bloody hate buyo. So itchy for days.

[2025/08/22, 5:13:00] James: Anyway

[2025/08/22, 7:33:06] James: .

[2025/08/22, 7:33:15] James: I have seen through this reality

[2025/08/22, 7:33:27] James: We perceive but a sliver

[2025/08/22, 9:20:45] James: .

[2025/08/22, 9:20:51] James: Man that psychiatrist

[2025/08/22, 9:20:57] James: Such an immoral person

[2025/08/22, 9:21:06] James: He’s sick in the head

[2025/08/22, 9:21:20] James: I think I’ll get a lawyer

[2025/08/22, 9:21:28] James: Is it worth it?

[2025/08/22, 9:21:34] James: He is hurting other people

[2025/08/22, 9:39:06] James: .

[2025/08/22, 9:39:07] James: Nope

[2025/08/22, 9:39:13] James: Fighting with them is what makes you sick

[2025/08/22, 9:39:18] James: Remember that always james

[2025/08/22, 9:39:22] James: This was a conditioned response

[2025/08/22, 9:39:31] James: So I posted a google maps review and will leave it at that

[2025/08/22, 9:39:36] James: This will help others avoid him

[2025/08/22, 9:53:35] James: And I’ll go for a bit of walking meditation to calm the engine down

[2025/08/22, 9:53:46] James: Even thinking about fighting has the same effect

[2025/08/22, 9:53:56] James: It spikes those neurotransmitters in a heartbeat

[2025/08/22, 9:54:11] James: My fight or flight response has been honed by years of violence and high pressure work

[2025/08/22, 9:54:18] James: It won’t just calm down overnight

[2025/08/22, 9:54:26] James: But it doesn’t control me so much any more

[2025/08/22, 9:54:36] James: And it serves an evolutionary purpose

[2025/08/22, 9:54:41] James: Thanks, brain!

[2025/08/22, 9:54:44] James: But not today

[2025/08/22, 9:54:49] James: There is no tiger in the bushes

[2025/08/22, 9:55:00] James: Just an old man in his office with a reputation that is beyond repair

[2025/08/22, 9:55:15] James: And a google maps review will do far more good for keeping people away than a lawyer ever would

[2025/08/22, 9:55:30] James: Do not fight with them

[2025/08/22, 9:55:34] James: Or you will get sick

[2025/08/22, 10:04:41] James: .

[2025/08/22, 10:04:54] James: Or maybe nibbana is the ultimate phasic burst

[2025/08/22, 10:05:19] James: Maybe you suppress the tremors do so long that a mega quake hits and wipes it all out

[2025/08/22, 10:05:38] James: That fits too and might be more like how neurodivergent folks feel it

[2025/08/22, 10:06:07] James: While the more normal trajectory is more tonic stability?

[2025/08/22, 10:06:12] James: Needs research!

[2025/08/22, 10:06:38] James: But I think my dvar is fairly high after that imagined fight and nasty receptionist (his wife) on the phone call

[2025/08/22, 10:06:48] James: I think I will ride my bike

[2025/08/22, 10:06:56] James: The walking isn’t quite stimulating enough

[2025/08/22, 10:07:02] James: And I’ve not ridden for a while

[2025/08/22, 10:07:53] James: .

[2025/08/22, 10:08:05] James: I should get around to that book ‘after the ecstasy’

[2025/08/22, 10:08:30] James: I hear a lot of people slip into depression when they realise nibbana isn’t permanent and they are still the same person afterward, on a fundamental level

[2025/08/22, 10:08:48] James: Because this phenomenon is well documented in religious circles

[2025/08/22, 10:10:20] James: The dark night of the soul as it’s often called

[2025/08/22, 10:10:27] James: But I never expected this

[2025/08/22, 10:10:32] James: So I don’t know if I will get it

[2025/08/22, 10:10:41] James: And if I do, I know it is temporary

[2025/08/22, 10:19:48] James: .

[2025/08/22, 10:20:19] James: I guess that aripiprazole being addiction itself meant I was presented with two choices: death or enlightenment

[2025/08/22, 10:20:31] James: The only choice was to see through the veil and break all craving

[2025/08/22, 10:20:35] James: The other option was death

[2025/08/22, 10:20:47] James: So the encoding will have been hard and deep

[2025/08/22, 10:20:53] James: And I had to train myself to handle it

[2025/08/22, 10:21:04] James: I think I knew this from the start

[2025/08/22, 10:21:09] James: Which is why I recorded it

[2025/08/22, 10:21:12] James: I had no choice

[2025/08/22, 10:21:13] James: .

[2025/08/22, 10:30:41] James: My wife said I was nicest recently when I was training for Portugal

[2025/08/22, 10:30:54] James: That was all z2. Maybe 18 hours a week. One looooong ride at the weekend

[2025/08/22, 10:30:58] James: I would cry on those rides

[2025/08/22, 10:31:01] James: I never knew why

[2025/08/22, 10:31:09] James: But it makes sense in my new understanding of meditation

[2025/08/22, 10:31:13] James: This was my regulation

[2025/08/22, 10:31:19] James: How I trained my dopamine system

[2025/08/22, 10:31:27] James: No wonder most Ironman athletes are awesome

[2025/08/22, 10:31:32] James: And the ones at the top are cunts

[2025/08/22, 10:31:33] James: Ha

[2025/08/22, 10:31:38] James: I became one too

[2025/08/22, 10:31:40] James: Not your fault guys

[2025/08/22, 10:31:50] James: You chased too hard and cranked your dvar too high

[2025/08/22, 10:32:05] James: The pursuit of the heavens places you in the hells

[2025/08/22, 10:32:06] James: .

[2025/08/22, 10:36:08] James: No wonder I love these long hills

[2025/08/22, 10:36:41] James: You just settle in and meditate

[2025/08/22, 10:45:29] James: .

[2025/08/22, 10:45:37] James: Then you feel a flush through your whole body

[2025/08/22, 10:45:44] James: Your hairs stand on end and you shiver a little

[2025/08/22, 10:45:52] James: That is your dopamine normalising at a new baseline

[2025/08/22, 10:46:01] James: That’s how you know you are doing it right

[2025/08/22, 11:37:10] James: .

[2025/08/22, 11:37:13] James: Well that was nice

[2025/08/22, 11:37:20] James: A 40 min bike ride

[2025/08/22, 11:37:30] James: Then 20 min sitting meditation

[2025/08/22, 11:37:37] James: The meditation was something else

[2025/08/22, 11:37:53] James: I could feel my body in the air particles around it

[2025/08/22, 11:38:24] James: I could feel the vibrations and warmth of the contraction of the air particles as part of myself for around 20cm outside my body

[2025/08/22, 11:38:40] James: My eyes opened or closed naturally

[2025/08/22, 11:39:00] James: And when I was meditating on my sight I could perceive a little of the 4d thing I had in nibbana

[2025/08/22, 11:39:06] James: Just looking at a wall

[2025/08/22, 11:39:31] James: But that wall.. we only perceive a fraction of a percent of the data our eyes receive

[2025/08/22, 11:39:41] James: That wall is so much more than you realise

[2025/08/22, 11:39:47] James: As are you

[2025/08/22, 11:39:55] James: The sounds… my ears are the sound

[2025/08/22, 11:40:03] James: The insect outside. My ears are there

[2025/08/22, 11:40:12] James: I was not embodied in the usual sense

[2025/08/22, 11:40:38] James: I was dissipated, diffuse, yet easy and relaxed in my focus

[2025/08/22, 11:40:54] James: And then I just casually stopped

[2025/08/22, 11:40:57] James: No pressure

[2025/08/22, 11:41:02] James: The race isn’t for a while yet

[2025/08/22, 11:41:12] James: I’m just limbering up after a crazy season

[2025/08/22, 11:41:21] James: But I’ve still got what it takes

[2025/08/22, 11:41:42] James: The neuronal capacity from the hyperdopaminergic meditation

[2025/08/22, 11:41:52] James: That will have carved some grooves in the old noggin

[2025/08/22, 11:42:15] James: And I guess the cycling raised my tonic dopamine

[2025/08/22, 11:42:27] James: So I was able to come straight into the meditation with a developed focus

[2025/08/22, 11:42:38] James: And then settle the ripples further and just… be

[2025/08/22, 11:42:44] James: And I am one with the world around me

[2025/08/22, 11:43:07] James: There is no james. The particles are in flux. The boundary is merely a change from oxygen to carbon

[2025/08/22, 11:43:28] James: Not all that different to the oxygen to nitrogen to co2. The air and the body are ..

[2025/08/22, 11:43:36] James: I can’t describe it, of course

[2025/08/22, 11:43:42] James: But it was very nice

[2025/08/22, 11:43:59] James: And I’m gonna put the screws back into the nibbana-head

[2025/08/22, 11:44:04] James: Now I know what it is

[2025/08/22, 11:44:18] James: And without such powerful pharmaceuticals I can achieve it again

[2025/08/22, 11:44:22] James: A bit of weed. Ha!

[2025/08/22, 11:44:30] James: That’ll tip the scales

[2025/08/22, 11:44:40] James: But not yet. I’ll let my dopamine system train up a bit first

[2025/08/22, 11:44:50] James: Lovely stuff though

[2025/08/22, 11:45:03] James: And holding the ship-rock while meditating really grounds me

[2025/08/22, 11:45:05] James: Heavy

[2025/08/22, 11:45:12] James: 1.5kg of meteoric iron

[2025/08/22, 11:45:24] James: This wil put me back into the zone quickly

[2025/08/22, 11:45:34] James: Anyway; time to get my kid almost

[2025/08/22, 11:45:42] James: I’ll set off now and do a bit of walking meditation

[2025/08/22, 11:45:49] James: I’ve become one of ‘those people’

[2025/08/22, 11:45:57] James: Who says there is nothing more pleasant than just being

[2025/08/22, 11:46:06] James: Rather than playing with his phone

[2025/08/22, 11:46:11] James: Hey!

[2025/08/22, 11:46:20] James: This phone is black and white

[2025/08/22, 11:46:30] James: It is a tool for reprogramming myself and sharing this with others

[2025/08/22, 11:46:35] James: I am not ‘playing’

[2025/08/22, 11:46:49] James: Candy crush was another one of those dvar spiking addictions.

[2025/08/22, 11:46:58] James: I’ll still do proper rpgs though

[2025/08/22, 11:47:06] James: But not on a phone

[2025/08/22, 11:58:28] James: .

[2025/08/22, 11:58:30] James: Oh wow

[2025/08/22, 11:58:45] James: The world as I am walking now looks like it did when I was the Zuckerbot

[2025/08/22, 11:58:55] James: The depth of field

[2025/08/22, 11:58:59] James: The saturation

[2025/08/22, 11:59:08] James: This is replicable through behaviour

[2025/08/22, 11:59:13] James: I’m going to enjoy my walk

[2025/08/22, 11:59:15] James: And see my son

[2025/08/22, 11:59:20] James: This is incredible

[2025/08/22, 11:59:25] James: Who would have thought it was real

[2025/08/22, 12:02:21] James: Van Gogh intuiting fluid dynamics

[2025/08/22, 14:54:35] James: .

[2025/08/22, 14:54:49] James: Man this is so much more fun than chasing the next finisher medal or trying to buy another bauble

[2025/08/22, 14:56:05] James: Walking around the park while the kids play

[2025/08/22, 14:56:11] James: Trying to decode nibbana

[2025/08/22, 14:56:17] James: Writing random shit on the internet

[2025/08/22, 14:56:20] James: Weaving a web

[2025/08/22, 14:56:23] James: Like that spider

[2025/08/22, 14:56:30] James: One thread at a time

[2025/08/22, 14:56:40] James: And just knowing it will all come together

[2025/08/22, 14:56:52] James: I think that’s one of the key parts of achieving nibbana

[2025/08/22, 14:56:59] James: Believing that it can be achieved

[2025/08/22, 14:57:14] James: How can you get strong dopaminergic encoding if you do not believe?

[2025/08/22, 14:57:22] James: What you word it like that it’s so fucking obvious

[2025/08/22, 14:57:27] James: This is why faith is enough for many

[2025/08/22, 14:57:35] James: The believe, it encodes

[2025/08/22, 14:57:44] James: It we autistic folks… we tend to question

[2025/08/22, 14:57:54] James: We don’t tend to believe.

[2025/08/22, 14:58:12] James: So I just need to word it in a way where a scientist will look at it and think…

[2025/08/22, 14:58:21] James: ‘Maybe… maybe this has a grain of truth to it’

[2025/08/22, 14:58:36] James: And then we get empirical evidence

[2025/08/22, 14:58:46] James: My brain is not ready for another encounter with the unconditioned

[2025/08/22, 14:58:53] James: It feels like it would be dangerous, still

[2025/08/22, 15:00:20] James: My brain is still repairing itself

[2025/08/22, 15:00:37] James: Even without chemical entry, nibbana leaves you utterly spent

[2025/08/22, 15:00:46] James: And I think I was held there for longer than most

[2025/08/22, 15:00:57] James: I wonder if you could just ‘turn it off’ if self guided

[2025/08/22, 15:01:19] James: I don’t think you could. Dopamine is gravity and HTLP is incontrovertible confidence and compulsion

[2025/08/22, 15:01:26] James: Look at Kanye

[2025/08/22, 15:01:35] James: I did the same

[2025/08/22, 15:01:48] James: So…

[2025/08/22, 15:02:18] James: I can still touch it. I am sure. I would likely need seclusion for a week or so and some chemical assistance in the form of cannabis

[2025/08/22, 15:02:45] James: Or another mild dopaminergic drug I can titrate myself in realitime

[2025/08/22, 15:03:20] James: But before doing any of that I need to recover and train and limber up and get these neurons all in line

[2025/08/22, 15:03:58] James: So now is the time for anyone who wants to monitor ‘round two’ to get in touch

[2025/08/22, 15:04:02] James: I’m a fuckin’ monk

[2025/08/22, 15:04:19] James: But I am not tied to rites and rituals

[2025/08/22, 15:04:45] James: I’m probably pretty crazy in the eyes of some

[2025/08/22, 15:04:48] James: Psychotic even

[2025/08/22, 15:05:02] James: But I’m more in tune with everyone around me’s reality than I even have

[2025/08/22, 15:05:21] James: Whereas when I was in the chase I was unable to comprehend how they thought; unable to empathise

[2025/08/22, 15:05:43] James: The definition of psychosis is a disconnect with the general consensus of reality, isn’t it?

[2025/08/22, 15:06:02] James: So wasn’t I more psychotic when I was chasing money and success?

[2025/08/22, 15:06:10] James: When I was unable to empathise with my family?

[2025/08/22, 15:06:31] James: Aren’t the people at the top of the power ladder, particularly in the US right now… aren’t they the definition of psychotic?

[2025/08/22, 15:06:38] James: Yet…

[2025/08/22, 15:06:47] James: This too is just about the consensus on reality

[2025/08/22, 15:07:00] James: Because reality is not objective. We all perceive but a sliver of a %

[2025/08/22, 15:07:12] James: And the people in power can curate what sliver that is

[2025/08/22, 15:07:43] James: So there is 99.99% of reality which goes perceived because of the cmem mods and filters we install or have installed

[2025/08/22, 15:08:14] James: And the people at the top, especially now with current communication methods, have an incredible amount of sway in shaping what this ‘objective reality’ is

[2025/08/22, 15:08:24] James: Just like an evil version of the scientific method

[2025/08/22, 15:08:34] James: Strength in numbers

[2025/08/22, 15:08:41] James: Repeat a lie enough and it becomes the truth

[2025/08/22, 15:08:52] James: In a post-truth world, whatever that means

[2025/08/22, 15:08:57] James: Well no…

[2025/08/22, 15:09:17] James: The truth is the truth and the post-truth narrative is just another filter

[2025/08/22, 15:10:19] James: ‘People pushing a narrative for their personal gain’ doesn’t come close

[2025/08/22, 15:10:26] James: These people change reality

[2025/08/22, 15:10:28] James: They change your sim

[2025/08/22, 15:10:47] James: And enough sims getting changed means the global sim changes

[2025/08/22, 15:10:59] James: And ‘objective reality’ becomes this new imposed norm

[2025/08/22, 15:11:23] James: And the people who aren’t psychopaths seeking money and respect are viewed as paychotic

[2025/08/22, 15:11:31] James: Because they do not have the power of numbers

[2025/08/22, 15:11:36] James: ‘Objective reality’

[2025/08/22, 15:11:37] James: Ha

[2025/08/22, 15:11:47] James: Experience nibbana and then tell me about objective reality

[2025/08/22, 15:12:06] James: Because that’s precisely what nibbana is.

[2025/08/22, 15:12:13] James: Unfiltered, unconditioned reality

[2025/08/22, 16:42:39] James: .

[2025/08/22, 16:42:46] James: So the flip side of all this training

[2025/08/22, 16:42:54] James: Is that you probably dial up your sensitivities

[2025/08/22, 16:42:58] James: Or..

[2025/08/22, 16:43:18] James: How to word it

[2025/08/22, 16:43:25] James: The sensitivity is dialled up

[2025/08/22, 16:43:32] James: Otherwise how could you experience the universe

[2025/08/22, 16:43:38] James: But your self control is also dialled up

[2025/08/22, 16:43:49] James: Your executive function

[2025/08/22, 16:43:57] James: until you run low on glucose

[2025/08/22, 16:44:19] James: Because executive function is the first thing to go when glucose levels get low

[2025/08/22, 16:44:20] James: So …

[2025/08/22, 16:44:25] James: Always carry some sweets!

[2025/08/22, 16:44:37] James: And remember to eat them when you feel a bit sensitive

[2025/08/22, 16:44:41] James: They will help

[2025/08/22, 16:44:46] James: You know this from experience.

[2025/08/22, 18:57:52] James: .

[2025/08/22, 18:57:57] James: Pretty knackered today again

[2025/08/22, 18:58:07] James: I think there’s a lot of consolidation of understanding going on

[2025/08/22, 18:58:18] James: This is a fresh start

[2025/08/22, 18:58:20] James: A reset

[2025/08/22, 18:58:38] James: The important thing is not to make it into a new identity

[2025/08/22, 18:58:51] James: The reason you came back was to be with your family and to experience reality

[2025/08/22, 18:59:02] James: The fundamental building blocks of your brain remain the same

[2025/08/22, 18:59:09] James: You have high dvar and a tendency to become attached

[2025/08/22, 18:59:24] James: To ideas and personalities and results

[2025/08/22, 18:59:32] James: It may well have been a one off fluke

[2025/08/22, 18:59:50] James: But even if it was, building a meditation and mental training protocol for yourself is a noble pursuit

[2025/08/22, 18:59:55] James: And it could help other people

[2025/08/22, 19:00:07] James: All the stuff about businesses and ethics organisations and whatnot

[2025/08/22, 19:00:15] James: I’m glad I’ve paused that for now

[2025/08/22, 19:00:25] James: Because my priority is integrating what happened to me

[2025/08/22, 19:00:32] James: I do believe it was nibbana

[2025/08/22, 19:00:36] James: My own personal nibbana

[2025/08/22, 19:00:52] James: It’s probably different for everyone since the reality at the moment the experience it is different

[2025/08/22, 19:01:08] James: Unconditioned… I view that as unconditioned ‘by mental formations’

[2025/08/22, 19:01:46] James: Unconditioned reality itself is just particles and waves and voids and dark matter and other such stuff which we can’t perceive with our senses directly per se

[2025/08/22, 19:02:05] James: The eye receives waves from the electromagnetic spectrum

[2025/08/22, 19:02:13] James: The ear receives vibrations from the air

[2025/08/22, 19:02:25] James: The nose interacts with floating particles

[2025/08/22, 19:02:35] James: The tongue with non-floaters

[2025/08/22, 19:02:50] James: The skin interacts with all of the above

[2025/08/22, 19:03:00] James: And the mind interacts with electricity I guess

[2025/08/22, 19:03:25] James: I guess neurotransmitters and hormones just change the electrical signalling in the brain

[2025/08/22, 19:03:42] James: So it’s all electricity, with randomosity introduced along the way?

[2025/08/22, 19:04:12] James: So these are parts of the unconditioned reality; sure

[2025/08/22, 19:04:21] James: But each sense can only receive a slice

[2025/08/22, 19:05:07] James: So when you talk about unconditioned reality it still needs to be sensed by the sense organs

[2025/08/22, 19:05:18] James: And then converted into electricity along the way

[2025/08/22, 19:05:49] James: So it is obviously conditioned by that or it would be unexperienceable

[2025/08/22, 19:05:50] James: Wow…

[2025/08/22, 19:05:55] James: No wonder I am tired

[2025/08/22, 19:06:00] James: This is a lot of pontification

[2025/08/22, 19:06:10] James: Maybe go for a hike or two this weekend

[2025/08/22, 19:06:15] James: Try to get out into nature

[2025/08/22, 19:06:32] James: Been trapped in the house and my head a bit too much because of having to look after the kids over the holidays

[2025/08/22, 19:06:41] James: Maybe I can go with my wife next week a couple of times

[2025/08/22, 19:06:47] James: The bike ride today was really welcome

[2025/08/22, 19:06:51] James: But yeah…

[2025/08/22, 19:06:54] James: Tired

[2025/08/22, 19:06:57] James: Need to rest!

[2025/08/22, 19:07:06] James: Which I’ve never been very good at

[2025/08/22, 19:49:51] James: .

[2025/08/22, 19:49:56] James: Where did I go wrong eh

[2025/08/22, 19:50:07] James: I look at the photos from my past life

[2025/08/22, 19:50:24] James: I look happy in some of them

[2025/08/22, 19:50:38] James: But I was never engaged

[2025/08/22, 19:50:43] James: Or was I

[2025/08/22, 19:50:50] James: I don’t even know any more to be honest

[2025/08/22, 19:50:56] James: I was engaged with pursuit

[2025/08/22, 19:50:59] James: That’s for sure

[2025/08/22, 19:51:10] James: And my job really … it was so bad for me

[2025/08/22, 19:51:16] James: The big paycheques

[2025/08/22, 19:51:31] James: The constant alert for problems

[2025/08/22, 19:51:37] James: Trying to mind read both sides

[2025/08/22, 19:51:43] James: And avoid making it about personal gain

[2025/08/22, 19:51:52] James: It hurts my head to even think about it

[2025/08/22, 19:52:10] James: How you balance ethical conduct with a job which is inherently about money

[2025/08/22, 19:52:31] James: And me thinking I was making real relationships with people who viewed me as a means to an end

[2025/08/22, 19:52:44] James: But I honestly don’t think I ever viewed them that way

[2025/08/22, 19:52:54] James: I tried to choose the ethical clients and the honest candidates

[2025/08/22, 19:53:00] James: But you make mistakes

[2025/08/22, 19:53:10] James: And almost my clients turned out to be corrupt

[2025/08/22, 19:53:23] James: Or rather: they turned corrupt when the money came in

[2025/08/22, 19:53:32] James: And I had to work so hard not to do the same

[2025/08/22, 19:53:36] James: Especially when I had employees

[2025/08/22, 19:53:44] James: That guy… stealing my bike

[2025/08/22, 19:53:48] James: I thought he was a friend

[2025/08/22, 19:53:54] James: I paid him half a years salary

[2025/08/22, 19:54:01] James: And he took it and left and stole a bike

[2025/08/22, 19:54:07] James: That really hurt me

[2025/08/22, 19:54:14] James: I… I don’t make friends easily

[2025/08/22, 19:54:19] James: And more recently the guy with the dog

[2025/08/22, 19:54:30] James: Saying he will fucking kill me

[2025/08/22, 19:54:34] James: When I saved its life

[2025/08/22, 19:54:49] James: What did I expect?

[2025/08/22, 19:54:52] James: Gratitude?

[2025/08/22, 19:55:02] James: Both of those things I honestly did to try to help people

[2025/08/22, 19:55:07] James: There was no self interest

[2025/08/22, 19:55:12] James: None

[2025/08/22, 19:55:14] James: And …

[2025/08/22, 19:55:25] James: Or was there?

[2025/08/22, 19:55:34] James: Maybe I was trying to make and hold onto friends?

[2025/08/22, 19:55:43] James: By allowing them to grieve

[2025/08/22, 19:55:51] James: And saving their dog

[2025/08/22, 20:09:21] James: .

[2025/08/22, 20:09:42] James: Man. Luca has been playing with Akane’s jewellery.

[2025/08/22, 20:09:49] James: I had to get angry at him

[2025/08/22, 20:10:03] James: Not fun but there’s no ‘anger’. Or not a lasting anger

[2025/08/22, 20:10:10] James: I’m angry in the moment and then I’m back

[2025/08/22, 20:10:19] James: It’s like these modes I have are more clearly delineated

[2025/08/22, 20:10:31] James: When I am writing I’m like a declarative monster.

[2025/08/22, 20:10:42] James: And then when I’m walking or thinking I question everything I have declared

[2025/08/22, 20:10:56] James: I’m a better father

[2025/08/22, 20:11:02] James: Before that I was reading Luca a book

[2025/08/22, 20:11:34] James: And when they they had a fight I mediated and found out the facts

[2025/08/22, 20:11:50] James: Not easy when you have one kid who is hypersensitive and the other who is hyperactive

[2025/08/22, 20:12:06] James: And you’re hypersensitive AND hyperactive. Ha

[2025/08/22, 20:12:13] James: Anyway whatever

[2025/08/22, 20:12:19] James: This is life and its ups and downs

[2025/08/22, 20:12:35] James: But it’s so much more full than before

[2025/08/22, 20:12:41] James: I’m not just rushing to the next thing

[2025/08/22, 20:12:48] James: Apart from bed. Ha

[2025/08/22, 20:13:05] James: It’s cold and raining but I think I will get an umbrella and walk back to the other house

[2025/08/22, 20:13:15] James: George enjoyed last night. The quiet.

[2025/08/22, 20:13:25] James: And the regulation technique I taught him works a charm

[2025/08/22, 20:13:34] James: Anyway akane is home

[2025/08/22, 20:13:47] James: Aikido

[2025/08/22, 20:13:56] James: A little time for ourselves after 7 crazy years

[2025/08/22, 20:14:10] James: It’s good for both of us

[2025/08/22, 20:27:42] James: .

[2025/08/22, 20:28:04] James: Buddha - Two kinds of thought. What a great and simple sutta. This is the reprogramming I talked about.

[2025/08/22, 20:28:20] James: Again - so many parallels. It’s fascinating that we arrived at the same conclusions.

[2025/08/22, 20:28:51] James: And I love the ‘bikkus, before my enlightenment. When I was only an in enlightened bodhisatva.’

[2025/08/22, 20:28:57] James: He’s a down to earth guy

[2025/08/22, 20:28:59] James: Showing the way

[2025/08/22, 20:29:08] James: I wish I’d heard his actual suttas earlier

[2025/08/22, 20:44:45] James: The Removal of Distracting thoughts ..? Maybe translate this. Although I think it needs expanding. I think the final 5th step is a mistranslation based on what the Buddha said in other suttas