20250824

[2025/08/24, 9:32:34] James: Feels better knowing that family member can’t contact me

[2025/08/24, 9:32:47] James: Some platitudes since the incident but not a shred of remorse

[2025/08/24, 9:33:04] James: It’s fine though

[2025/08/24, 9:33:17] James: Just cut them out of the data that feeds into my life for a while

[2025/08/24, 9:33:36] James: The empathy narrative, I think, was a major cause of trauma over my life

[2025/08/24, 9:33:47] James: People calling me a narcissist and such

[2025/08/24, 9:33:55] James: But I am not a narcissist

[2025/08/24, 9:34:12] James: I just have autism and adhd so I talk a lot and butt in

[2025/08/24, 9:34:18] James: Not as much as I used to

[2025/08/24, 9:34:25] James: But I will always have the memory limitations

[2025/08/24, 9:34:31] James: And see the tree instead of the forest

[2025/08/24, 9:34:46] James: And feel other people’s emotions as strongly or stronger than they do

[2025/08/24, 9:34:50] James: Tell me:

[2025/08/24, 9:35:16] James: How do you expect someone to sit there and listen to your woes if they are feeling them so intensely

[2025/08/24, 9:35:27] James: And to sit still and quiet and unable to regulate

[2025/08/24, 9:35:31] James: Anyway no big deal

[2025/08/24, 9:35:38] James: Just seen things for what they are

[2025/08/24, 9:35:44] James: Real relationships only going forward

[2025/08/24, 9:35:50] James: Ones that meet in the middle

[2025/08/24, 9:36:07] James: Comes back to the persona model I built for external people

[2025/08/24, 9:36:13] James: And my birth family are external people

[2025/08/24, 9:36:24] James: They are no longer the deciders of my self respect

[2025/08/24, 9:36:34] James: I have weighted myself with a 1 for the first time ever

[2025/08/24, 9:37:02] James: So I will do what makes my world better

[2025/08/24, 9:37:40] James: And not being made to feel like I have to alleviate someone’s unacknowledged guilt and make them feel good about themselves it part of that

[2025/08/24, 9:37:45] James: That is their karma, not mine

[2025/08/24, 9:37:58] James: I will not inherit it again

[2025/08/24, 9:38:12] James: They can deal with it themselves while I focus on myself and my family

[2025/08/25, 3:23:46] James: What a stupidly hard day

[2025/08/25, 3:23:52] James: Fucking autistic meltdown

[2025/08/25, 3:24:02] James: Pushed too far in a conversation

[2025/08/25, 3:24:16] James: Spent the entire day trying to rebuild executive function

[2025/08/25, 3:24:20] James: While still being pushed

[2025/08/25, 3:24:40] James: I’ve had to cut someone close off emotionally through self preservation

[2025/08/25, 3:24:50] James: My family do not understand this

[2025/08/25, 3:24:59] James: The therapist my wife has obviously doesn’t understand this

[2025/08/25, 3:25:22] James: Probably been told to push and push and push and doesn’t realise how dangerous it is to keep doing so once someone has reached meltdown

[2025/08/25, 3:25:33] James: A complete cessation of executive function

[2025/08/25, 3:25:42] James: This will be why I flipped out at the racist neighbour too

[2025/08/25, 3:26:26] James: Fucking hell

[2025/08/25, 3:26:38] James: So now I am down to one child, for parts of the week

[2025/08/25, 3:26:40] James: No wife

[2025/08/25, 3:26:47] James: No second child

[2025/08/25, 3:26:48] James: Just me

[2025/08/25, 3:26:53] James: And my knives

[2025/08/25, 3:26:54] James: And walking

[2025/08/25, 3:26:57] James: And meditating

[2025/08/25, 3:27:30] James: And Theravada schools of Buddhism saying ‘the only way to stream entry is strict following of the path’ despite one of the fetters being removed being the attachment to rites and rituals

[2025/08/25, 3:27:45] James: Guess I’ll call it kensho instead because zen is more open about that kind of thing

[2025/08/25, 3:27:58] James: Makes me feel better to think about this

[2025/08/25, 3:28:21] James: I find it easier to try to look into the root of all suffering than to try to deal with the complexity of a human relationship

[2025/08/25, 3:28:40] James: People just don’t fucking understand

[2025/08/25, 3:29:01] James: 41 year old man. Held it together so well all his life. Blackout drunk and punching walls. But held it together so well

[2025/08/25, 3:29:18] James: And now I’m sober and recovering from these drugs - far from recovered

[2025/08/25, 3:29:24] James: And people expect me to just … what

[2025/08/25, 3:30:01] James: And then being told I am not stable enough to look after my children despite never having been unstable with them and never having done anything wrong

[2025/08/25, 3:30:04] James: More manipulation

[2025/08/25, 3:30:09] James: Which I just can’t compute

[2025/08/25, 3:30:14] James: I can’t understand or comprehend it

[2025/08/25, 3:30:19] James: It’s the fucking steel wool

[2025/08/25, 3:32:26] James: I wound up headbutting a tree multiple times in front of my children

[2025/08/25, 3:32:30] James: And still they wouldn’t let up

[2025/08/25, 3:32:42] James: And I fucking jumped into a river and crossed to the other side

[2025/08/25, 3:32:56] James: I laid down and calmed myself down and asked if they had gone

[2025/08/25, 3:33:03] James: They said yes and I returned

[2025/08/25, 3:33:13] James: But they were there and sent the kids after me and pushed some more

[2025/08/25, 3:33:16] James: And I had to leave again

[2025/08/25, 3:33:31] James: I spent the rest of the day trying to rebuild executive function

[2025/08/25, 3:33:42] James: Sleep, walking, knives, food, meditation

[2025/08/25, 3:33:49] James: And then they pick it up again in the evening

[2025/08/25, 3:33:53] James: This is my wife

[2025/08/25, 3:34:04] James: She has been great and saved my life many times

[2025/08/25, 3:35:02] James: And I have meant to buy her flowers and was going to invite her hiking this weekend

[2025/08/25, 3:35:06] James: But I FUCKING FORGOT

[2025/08/25, 3:35:11] James: Because of fucking adhd

[2025/08/25, 3:36:43] James: And obviously words are not enough

[2025/08/25, 3:36:54] James: Because a normal person would not forget

[2025/08/25, 3:36:59] James: So you have to try harder James

[2025/08/25, 3:37:07] James: Again those fucking words

[2025/08/25, 3:37:18] James: The whole reason I had a meltdown is because I was trying as hard as I could

[2025/08/25, 3:37:47] James: I am so fucking alone

[2025/08/25, 3:37:52] James: So fucking alone

[2025/08/25, 3:38:07] James: My birth family saying I have never had empathy and always been a cunt

[2025/08/25, 3:38:25] James: My wife saying I am a useless shit and she has given up on me and I should just fucking … try harder

[2025/08/25, 3:38:31] James: So alone

[2025/08/25, 3:38:37] James: Just me

[2025/08/25, 3:38:39] James: Only one

[2025/08/25, 3:38:52] James: No friends

[2025/08/25, 3:39:03] James: No fucking sangha

[2025/08/25, 3:39:06] James: …

[2025/08/25, 3:39:21] James: But at the same time I was able to see the beauty in the world even while overloaded

[2025/08/25, 3:39:40] James: This is still so hard at times though

[2025/08/25, 3:39:46] James: I have no framework for what has happened

[2025/08/25, 3:39:52] James: My world has crumbled

[2025/08/25, 3:40:22] James: I really needed medication as a child

[2025/08/25, 3:40:54] James: My own child is pretty high on both the ASD and adhd spectrums

[2025/08/25, 3:41:01] James: And I am probably even more

[2025/08/25, 3:41:14] James: And I just crushed it down with force of will for 41 years

[2025/08/25, 3:41:40] James: And then some medicines completely destroyed these frameworks

[2025/08/25, 3:41:48] James: How long to recover from aripiprazole?

[2025/08/25, 3:41:53] James: 6 months it said?

[2025/08/25, 3:41:59] James: Well it’s only been 1.5 mo

[2025/08/25, 3:42:12] James: And only a week away from valproate

[2025/08/25, 3:42:39] James: Valproate was making the meltdowns worse

[2025/08/25, 3:42:56] James: And aripiprazole destroyed my executive function in a heartbeat

[2025/08/25, 3:43:48] James: So

[2025/08/25, 3:44:02] James: Fucking hell I am tired of this

[2025/08/25, 3:44:08] James: Navigating this all on my own

[2025/08/25, 3:44:26] James: Fucking useless psychiatrists just giving me drugs that do the opposite of what they are supposed to

[2025/08/25, 3:44:28] James: But…

[2025/08/25, 3:44:31] James: Let’s break it down

[2025/08/25, 3:44:40] James: So my emotional reactivity is DOWN

[2025/08/25, 3:44:44] James: Believe it or not

[2025/08/25, 3:44:55] James: But my executive function is also DOWN

[2025/08/25, 3:45:19] James: So the emotions I do feel escape my control more easily

[2025/08/25, 3:45:35] James: So I look more reactive

[2025/08/25, 3:45:42] James: But more than that…

[2025/08/25, 3:45:50] James: It’s not been anger or sadness or whatever

[2025/08/25, 3:45:54] James: It has been sheer overload

[2025/08/25, 3:46:05] James: From trying to restrain myself and manage adult interactions

[2025/08/25, 3:46:17] James: I have had no problems with children

[2025/08/25, 3:46:23] James: And no problems when on my own

[2025/08/25, 3:46:30] James: It has just been the adult interactions

[2025/08/25, 3:46:41] James: Because of how … defined and convoluted they are

[2025/08/25, 3:46:49] James: But…

[2025/08/25, 3:47:18] James: If executive function is down then hopefully it will recover and I can train it further

[2025/08/25, 3:47:22] James: But it will take time

[2025/08/25, 3:47:33] James: And I need to be left alone while I do it

[2025/08/25, 3:47:58] James: I will not take drugs

[2025/08/25, 3:48:00] James: I can’t

[2025/08/25, 3:48:03] James: They …

[2025/08/25, 3:48:06] James: They scare me

[2025/08/25, 3:48:12] James: I will lose my mind again

[2025/08/25, 3:48:45] James: I have my training plan

[2025/08/25, 3:48:49] James: I have planned the work

[2025/08/25, 3:48:54] James: Now I just work the plan

[2025/08/25, 3:49:03] James: And have faith that the results will come

[2025/08/25, 3:49:08] James: That’s how it works, isn’t it

[2025/08/25, 3:49:23] James: That’s how it worked for Ironman and business and quitting alcohol

[2025/08/25, 3:49:34] James: You do the work first and become the person later

[2025/08/25, 3:49:46] James: Man…

[2025/08/25, 3:50:06] James: This counsellor … I don’t know if they have the first fucking idea about neurodivergence

[2025/08/25, 3:50:09] James: My parents don’t

[2025/08/25, 3:50:34] James: And that’s after 2 weeks here with their ND kid having nearly killed himself and their grandkid being neurodivergent

[2025/08/25, 3:50:39] James: Fucking tantrums

[2025/08/25, 3:50:44] James: So offensive

[2025/08/25, 3:50:53] James: But that’s what they call them in the Japanese literature

[2025/08/25, 3:50:57] James: Fucking tantrum my ass

[2025/08/25, 3:51:24] James: It’s like you jam a stick into the steering wheel of my car and ask me to drive a race course

[2025/08/25, 3:51:50] James: At least the world is beautiful

[2025/08/25, 3:52:01] James: The sound of the crickets

[2025/08/25, 3:52:08] James: The air on my skin

[2025/08/25, 3:52:27] James: This is so hard still though at times

[2025/08/25, 3:52:33] James: My family are everything to me

[2025/08/25, 3:52:44] James: And I am incapable of supporting the woman who supported me

[2025/08/25, 3:52:56] James: Or … incapable of supporting her in the way she wants.

[2025/08/25, 3:53:20] James: I have supported her financially for life. Checked that one off the list. Nearly killed myself in the process.

[2025/08/25, 3:56:35] James: Fucking hell

[2025/08/25, 3:56:50] James: Life will still be ups and downs I guess

[2025/08/25, 3:57:03] James: I need to be left alone to recover more

[2025/08/25, 3:57:22] James: Rebuild my brain

[2025/08/25, 3:57:28] James: Develop this training protocol

[2025/08/25, 3:57:34] James: This fucking medicine man

[2025/08/25, 3:57:38] James: Messed me up so bad

[2025/08/25, 3:57:49] James: Because there is no proper diagnostic process

[2025/08/25, 3:57:52] James: Just fucking guesswork

[2025/08/25, 3:57:58] James: And it’s ruining my family

[2025/08/25, 3:58:05] James: Bad luck

[2025/08/25, 3:58:07] James: Find a body

[2025/08/25, 3:58:11] James: Go to a doctor

[2025/08/25, 3:58:13] James: Given a drug

[2025/08/25, 3:58:17] James: And this

[2025/08/25, 3:58:24] James: At least I am still alive

[2025/08/25, 3:58:29] James: Even if I am alone

[2025/08/25, 3:59:07] James: Estimated six months to executive function recovery after aripiprazole

[2025/08/25, 3:59:11] James: Fucking ridiculous