20250825

[2025/08/25, 7:03:28] James: Well that was a shitty chain of events

[2025/08/25, 7:03:45] James: I am obviously incapable of caring for my wife the way she needs

[2025/08/25, 7:04:03] James: And trying to do so pushed me into meltdown for the entire day, all the night, and still now

[2025/08/25, 7:04:11] James: Total executive function meltdown

[2025/08/25, 7:04:24] James: Various threats hanging over my head during the conversation

[2025/08/25, 7:04:34] James: Words not being enough

[2025/08/25, 7:04:46] James: The fact I thought about buying flowers and inviting her out was not enough

[2025/08/25, 7:05:00] James: If I had just remembered those things, none of this would have happened

[2025/08/25, 7:05:05] James: But I have adhd so I forgot

[2025/08/25, 7:05:10] James: And that’s not enough

[2025/08/25, 7:05:26] James: I am 1.5 months into a 6 month recovery window from aripiprazole

[2025/08/25, 7:05:33] James: My executive function is still trashed

[2025/08/25, 7:05:38] James: I am lucky to be alive

[2025/08/25, 7:05:51] James: But I am incapable of supporting another adult at this time

[2025/08/25, 7:05:59] James: So I have had to cut my wife off emotionally

[2025/08/25, 7:06:07] James: It hurts too much and it is dangerous

[2025/08/25, 7:06:12] James: So very dangerous

[2025/08/25, 7:06:28] James: These things she is angry at me about… they were meltdowns

[2025/08/25, 7:06:47] James: The racist in my living room who wouldn’t stop, then I snap, chase him out, and drive like an insane person

[2025/08/25, 7:06:50] James: Meltdown

[2025/08/25, 7:07:07] James: The waking up with rage and suicidality while my parents were here, right at the tail end

[2025/08/25, 7:07:10] James: Meltdown

[2025/08/25, 7:07:23] James: Both of those were made worse and more explosive by valproate

[2025/08/25, 7:07:26] James: This time…

[2025/08/25, 7:07:32] James: I went to try to help her

[2025/08/25, 7:07:43] James: I suggested it. Suggested we go for a walk in a park

[2025/08/25, 7:07:57] James: I walked and rubbed my meteor and listened to a letter about all my failings

[2025/08/25, 7:08:03] James: And the kids are screaming and crying

[2025/08/25, 7:08:12] James: And it’s too much and I can’t regulate. It’s not going well.

[2025/08/25, 7:08:19] James: So I suggest we walk down the river instead

[2025/08/25, 7:08:25] James: I should have just gone home

[2025/08/25, 7:08:36] James: But I didn’t know these were meltdowns

[2025/08/25, 7:08:39] James: Not until yesterday

[2025/08/25, 7:08:52] James: And then just more pushing and more overwhelm and inability to process

[2025/08/25, 7:09:03] James: And eventually ramming my head against a log and wanting to die

[2025/08/25, 7:09:09] James: Running away across a river

[2025/08/25, 7:09:13] James: And still it keeps coming

[2025/08/25, 7:09:18] James: And I eventually escape

[2025/08/25, 7:09:41] James: And spend the entire day trying to rebuild executive function through walking and knives and humming and food and sleep

[2025/08/25, 7:10:02] James: And I wake up and walk for half the night

[2025/08/25, 7:10:18] James: And I try to talk with family who also don’t understand it, so I end the call

[2025/08/25, 7:10:32] James: And my two neurodivergent friends are like ‘we feel you; stay safe’

[2025/08/25, 7:10:49] James: ‘90% of my meltdowns are with my wife and the other 10% with my parents’

[2025/08/25, 7:10:55] James: And it’s because of these social rules

[2025/08/25, 7:10:59] James: Which I have forgotten

[2025/08/25, 7:11:10] James: Because they nearly killed me last time

[2025/08/25, 7:11:26] James: And it is fucking dangerous

[2025/08/25, 7:11:35] James: A 41 year old man losing control

[2025/08/25, 7:12:04] James: This is why I had to stop the valproate. It was removing my ability to control myself, more than it was tamping down the emotions

[2025/08/25, 7:12:15] James: And I am alone again

[2025/08/25, 7:12:21] James: And I am the bad guy again

[2025/08/25, 7:12:26] James: Because I am different

[2025/08/25, 7:12:39] James: And I am tired

[2025/08/25, 7:12:50] James: Just when I thought things were improving

[2025/08/25, 7:13:06] James: And I asked for actionable points so I could express things in the way she wants

[2025/08/25, 7:13:21] James: And she says ‘be like your dad is to your mum’

[2025/08/25, 7:13:32] James: Well my memory of my dad is that of an alcoholic

[2025/08/25, 7:13:52] James: An angry man who was conflicted

[2025/08/25, 7:14:05] James: He loved us but hated himself and he was particularly harsh on me

[2025/08/25, 7:14:14] James: And has been so for my whole life

[2025/08/25, 7:14:23] James: And this is why I had so much trauma around him

[2025/08/25, 7:14:35] James: Because he crushed this round peg into a square hole

[2025/08/25, 7:14:56] James: So the example is a bad one. Our data samples are different

[2025/08/25, 7:15:29] James: Or be like Andrew. Or like Joel. Or like all the other fucking people I do not know

[2025/08/25, 7:15:38] James: All I wanted was a fucking action

[2025/08/25, 7:15:42] James: Not another fucking mask

[2025/08/25, 7:15:58] James: And I was trying so hard

[2025/08/25, 7:16:01] James: So so so so hard

[2025/08/25, 7:16:06] James: And this is why I melted down

[2025/08/25, 7:16:12] James: Same with the racist neighbour

[2025/08/25, 7:16:33] James: It’s precisely because I was exercising so much will and restraint

[2025/08/25, 7:16:44] James: But maybe we can never be together

[2025/08/25, 7:16:54] James: Maybe I am unsuitable for a relationship

[2025/08/25, 7:17:03] James: Maybe I need to cut off all attachment to my wife

[2025/08/25, 7:17:37] James: Because I asked for the space and she just thinks it’s a fucking temper tantrum and I need to try harder

[2025/08/25, 7:17:51] James: But I have tried as hard as I can. That is the point

[2025/08/25, 7:24:10] James: These fucking doctors broke my brain

[2025/08/25, 7:24:25] James: And this fucking counsellor is giving advices based on the 90% and not the rest

[2025/08/25, 7:24:38] James: I guess. I don’t know. That’s projection.

[2025/08/25, 7:25:03] James: Anyway…

[2025/08/25, 7:25:16] James: In the end I managed to ensure that my son stays with me during the week

[2025/08/25, 7:25:44] James: That’s the thing I’ve been planning for and looking forward to throughout thing whole confusing acute recovery phase

[2025/08/25, 7:26:10] James: And that will ensure that I stay grounded

[2025/08/25, 7:26:16] James: And that was going to be taken away from me

[2025/08/25, 7:26:20] James: Because of the meltdown

[2025/08/25, 7:26:26] James: And labelling me unstable

[2025/08/25, 7:26:45] James: And asking me to just… stop being melted down and what…

[2025/08/25, 7:26:48] James: It’s impossible

[2025/08/25, 7:26:53] James: That’s the thing

[2025/08/25, 7:26:56] James: Impossible

[2025/08/25, 7:27:18] James: Once you push someone that far and their higher-functioning brain goes offline

[2025/08/25, 7:27:43] James: But there I was rubbing my fucking meteor like an idiot and just gritting my teeth agains the steel wool in my head

[2025/08/25, 7:27:55] James: And nobody fucking reads these things

[2025/08/25, 7:28:06] James: So any messages I write here for her are missed

[2025/08/25, 7:28:21] James: And any messages I write to her directly are too much information and overloading

[2025/08/25, 7:28:43] James: The whole reason I started this website thing is so I wouldn’t overwhelm her while aripirrazole destroyed my brain

[2025/08/25, 7:28:46] James: Fuck

[2025/08/25, 7:28:51] James: And I’m the selfish one

[2025/08/25, 7:28:55] James: The useless one

[2025/08/25, 7:29:03] James: The one who needs to put on a fucking mask again

[2025/08/25, 7:29:17] James: Despite being PYSHICALLY, neurologically incapable of it

[2025/08/25, 7:29:18] James: Fuck

[2025/08/25, 7:29:36] James: Anyway… about to pick my son up and take him to school

[2025/08/25, 7:29:39] James: That will be nice

[2025/08/25, 7:29:48] James: It seemed like I was losing that yesterday too

[2025/08/25, 7:29:58] James: I struggle to talk emotions at the best of times

[2025/08/25, 7:30:10] James: Never mind with an axe hanging over my neck

[2025/08/25, 7:30:18] James: Fuck this all

[2025/08/25, 8:11:11] James: .

[2025/08/25, 8:11:14] James: That was nice

[2025/08/25, 8:11:20] James: The world is still more beautiful

[2025/08/25, 8:11:29] James: Something permanent has changed and I can release thoughts

[2025/08/25, 8:11:34] James: I need to process them here, still

[2025/08/25, 8:11:42] James: Because of memory limitations

[2025/08/25, 8:12:01] James: If I don’t, then they go into the steel wool and my head starts to hurt and I am heading for meltdown, I think

[2025/08/25, 8:12:12] James: I need to be walking while I do it

[2025/08/25, 8:12:15] James: That Theravada monk

[2025/08/25, 8:12:17] James: Haha

[2025/08/25, 8:12:25] James: One of the top two recommendations for stream entry

[2025/08/25, 8:12:37] James: And the reply is ‘this is a neurotic breakthrough, not stream entry’

[2025/08/25, 8:13:04] James: Then proceeds to describe the aftermath of stream entry almost to a tee, but say the difference is that stream entry is only attainable by following the path of the buddha

[2025/08/25, 8:13:38] James: Despite the Buddha specifically saying it can be attained in many different ways and that one of the three fetters to fall away is the attachment to rites and rituals

[2025/08/25, 8:13:54] James: And that you use a raft to cross a river, but you do not carry it on the other side

[2025/08/25, 8:14:24] James: A hint of … jealousy maybe? Ego? Whatever it was they described execration the same phenomenon and recovery curve just with a different name

[2025/08/25, 8:14:28] James: I guess branding matters

[2025/08/25, 8:14:35] James: And I’m trying to cut through it all

[2025/08/25, 8:14:40] James: I will find a new word though

[2025/08/25, 8:14:46] James: All of these words come with baggage

[2025/08/25, 8:14:56] James: I think ‘optimisation’ is good

[2025/08/25, 8:15:00] James: Because that is what it was

[2025/08/25, 8:15:07] James: But the machine is still the machine

[2025/08/25, 8:15:28] James: It still has low-ram and high speed and is easily burned out by emotions and complex multithreaded processes

[2025/08/25, 8:15:35] James: That will never change

[2025/08/25, 8:15:44] James: This is just the same thing in a new language

[2025/08/25, 8:15:55] James: And I have no doubt. Isn’t that a hallmark.

[2025/08/25, 8:16:04] James: I will continue reinterpreting the Buddha’s teachings

[2025/08/25, 8:16:14] James: But I will tone it down for the more religiously minded

[2025/08/25, 8:16:31] James: My hope is to spread it more, not to upset anyone or steal their glory

[2025/08/25, 8:21:01] James: .

[2025/08/25, 8:21:10] James: I need to sleep more to recover from yesterday

[2025/08/25, 8:21:16] James: I can’t meditate or write yet

[2025/08/25, 8:21:28] James: The system is drained

[2025/08/25, 8:21:44] James: This is not a normal brain and I wish people could understand and respect that

[2025/08/25, 8:22:06] James: …

[2025/08/25, 8:22:14] James: I wish I had understood and respected that sooner

[2025/08/25, 8:22:23] James: This whole debacle could have been avoided then

[2025/08/25, 8:22:32] James: But also would have my beautiful kids

[2025/08/25, 8:22:55] James: Or such appreciation of the world, after a life of screwing my eyes shut against the wind

[2025/08/25, 8:23:00] James: So I don’t really wish anything

[2025/08/25, 8:23:07] James: The doctor and those drugs.

[2025/08/25, 8:23:11] James: Everything

[2025/08/25, 8:23:19] James: It all panned out. For a while

[2025/08/25, 8:23:24] James: And now there’s more mess to fix

[2025/08/25, 8:23:32] James: But I can’t. I know the system limitations.

[2025/08/25, 8:23:37] James: So I need to recover.

[2025/08/25, 8:23:54] James: And I need to hope that the people I care for can come to understand that this is not in my control

[2025/08/25, 8:24:01] James: I am not like them

[2025/08/25, 8:24:20] James: And I hope they will get the support they need

[2025/08/25, 8:24:30] James: Because I am incapable of providing it in my current form

[2025/08/25, 8:24:46] James: Maybe after another optimisation cycle

[2025/08/25, 8:24:53] James: Or in the buildup to one