20250828

[2025/08/28, 13:03:36] James: Well I’m making an effort as best I can

[2025/08/28, 13:03:46] James: Even that short walk has left me with a processing headache

[2025/08/28, 13:04:07] James: This drug has really fucked up my executive function

[2025/08/28, 13:04:33] James: The thing which was supposed to make me ‘less autistic’ had dialled it up a hundredfold

[2025/08/28, 13:04:54] James: Complex relationships… I just lack the default responses

[2025/08/28, 13:05:08] James: I have always been criticised for not being able to play catch ball

[2025/08/28, 13:05:24] James: But now I cant catch or throw at all

[2025/08/28, 13:05:35] James: Nothing emotionally charged

[2025/08/28, 13:05:39] James: Day to day stuff ok

[2025/08/28, 13:05:53] James: But reading the room and people’s moods… especially those important to me

[2025/08/28, 13:06:03] James: It seems my brain can’t handle it in the slightest

[2025/08/28, 13:06:16] James: Just overloads even wondering about how people are walking and stuff

[2025/08/28, 13:06:19] James: Fucking drug

[2025/08/28, 13:06:23] James: Fucking doctor

[2025/08/28, 13:06:34] James: How did I survive

[2025/08/28, 13:07:10] James: Fuck loads of meditation is how

[2025/08/28, 13:07:19] James: But the experience - the whole thing…

[2025/08/28, 13:07:24] James: It’s destroyed who I used to be

[2025/08/28, 13:07:43] James: And several relationships in the process

[2025/08/28, 13:07:51] James: I’m going to have to rebuild everything from zero

[2025/08/28, 13:08:01] James: All previous relationship dynamics are gone

[2025/08/28, 13:08:11] James: Because James1.0 is gone

[2025/08/28, 13:08:18] James: So I guess we see who j2.0 is

[2025/08/28, 13:08:25] James: And whether people like him or not.

[2025/08/28, 13:23:29] James: ..

[2025/08/28, 13:23:37] James: Those days of BBQs on the balcony

[2025/08/28, 13:23:42] James: That deck that you built

[2025/08/28, 13:23:44] James: The family life

[2025/08/28, 13:23:46] James: Gone

[2025/08/28, 13:23:57] James: It’s not your fault James

[2025/08/28, 13:24:05] James: The drugs broke you

[2025/08/28, 13:24:09] James: And you found that body

[2025/08/28, 13:24:13] James: You tried to get help

[2025/08/28, 13:24:16] James: And they broke you

[2025/08/28, 13:24:25] James: And somehow you are still alive

[2025/08/28, 13:24:28] James: Just focus on that

[2025/08/28, 13:24:35] James: It’ll change

[2025/08/28, 13:24:40] James: Clouds in the sky

[2025/08/28, 13:24:45] James: Nothing to cling to

[2025/08/28, 13:24:54] James: Enjoy what remains

[2025/08/28, 13:25:38] James: Your brain just can’t handle it yet

[2025/08/28, 13:25:42] James: It’s not for lack of trying

[2025/08/28, 13:25:51] James: You have tried as much as you can

[2025/08/28, 13:25:57] James: And this brain will not play ball

[2025/08/28, 13:26:05] James: Because of those fucking drugs and that fucking doctor

[2025/08/28, 13:26:18] James: But hopefully in a few months…

[2025/08/28, 13:26:25] James: But there’s no guarantee of that either

[2025/08/28, 13:26:29] James: Don’t become attached to the idea

[2025/08/28, 13:26:41] James: You might be permanently unable to do what you used to

[2025/08/28, 13:26:53] James: But at least you can see the world

[2025/08/28, 13:31:27] James: .

[2025/08/28, 13:31:32] James: How quickly things change

[2025/08/28, 13:31:40] James: Sitting on these swings with George on this commute route

[2025/08/28, 13:31:53] James: Should have lasted a year

[2025/08/28, 13:32:02] James: Had plans for snowshoeing and snowboarding it in the winter

[2025/08/28, 13:32:12] James: Barely lasted… 2 months

[2025/08/28, 13:32:18] James: Because of those drugs

[2025/08/28, 13:32:29] James: Getting him climbing. Using his body. Having fun.

[2025/08/28, 13:32:38] James: That period is gone

[2025/08/28, 13:32:45] James: So are the bbqs in the garden

[2025/08/28, 13:32:55] James: So are the days of hiking with my wife

[2025/08/28, 13:33:11] James: That’s the nature, I guess

[2025/08/28, 13:33:17] James: All is transient

[2025/08/28, 13:33:27] James: But

[2025/08/28, 13:33:32] James: The tension from my face is gone

[2025/08/28, 13:33:37] James: That deep rooted trauma

[2025/08/28, 13:33:41] James: Around the eyes

[2025/08/28, 13:33:44] James: A lifetime autistic

[2025/08/28, 13:33:49] James: And not a clue

[2025/08/28, 13:34:10] James: Because adhd had me craving love and dancing like a declawed bear

[2025/08/28, 13:34:16] James: Whatever they wanted

[2025/08/28, 13:34:22] James: At such incredible expense

[2025/08/28, 13:34:32] James: And these overwhelm headaches all along

[2025/08/28, 13:34:35] James: But I didn’t have a clue

[2025/08/28, 13:34:40] James: I just forced through them

[2025/08/28, 13:34:47] James: Constant pain in the skull

[2025/08/28, 13:34:52] James: And

[2025/08/28, 13:34:59] James: I just can’t do it any more

[2025/08/28, 13:35:06] James: I love the people more than before

[2025/08/28, 13:35:11] James: But I can’t dance any more

[2025/08/28, 13:35:24] James: The pain becomes overwhelming so quickly

[2025/08/28, 13:35:42] James: I guess this is just how things have played out

[2025/08/28, 13:35:46] James: No sense lamenting it

[2025/08/28, 13:35:51] James: It will only make me miserable

[2025/08/28, 13:35:55] James: And less able to recover

[2025/08/28, 13:36:04] James: Or build something new, with this new brain of mine

[2025/08/28, 13:36:16] James: I don’t know

[2025/08/28, 13:36:24] James: I don’t … I can’t understand people

[2025/08/28, 13:36:29] James: It all feels too personal

[2025/08/28, 13:36:42] James: Every problem feels like it’s mine to fix

[2025/08/28, 13:36:48] James: When I’m broken, myself

[2025/08/28, 13:36:56] James: Or maybe I’ve always been this way

[2025/08/28, 13:37:07] James: And just sheer force of will kept me going

[2025/08/28, 13:37:14] James: And that was the tension in the face

[2025/08/28, 13:37:18] James: Screwed against the wind

[2025/08/28, 13:43:10] James: .

[2025/08/28, 13:43:14] James: I can work this out.

[2025/08/28, 13:43:18] James: There will be a way.

[2025/08/28, 13:55:32] James: .

[2025/08/28, 13:55:45] James: ChatGPT thinks I still have some recalibration to do

[2025/08/28, 13:55:48] James: Key points for your current stage (Week 7):

• You’re past acute withdrawal, but your dopamine/serotonin systems are still stabilizing → explains heightened “autistic” traits, overloads, and meltdowns.

• Permanent changes (relaxed facial muscles, reduction of trauma-linked behaviours, body-mind recalibration) are already in place.

• The next 4–6 weeks should bring gradual smoothing of temporary dysregulation, assuming no new major stressors.