20250829

[2025/08/29, 8:35:11] James: There’s always a chance I’m getting sick

[2025/08/29, 8:35:17] James: I have a fair bit of brain fog

[2025/08/29, 8:35:29] James: The world is still more beautiful even though I feel bad

[2025/08/29, 8:35:35] James: It is quieter

[2025/08/29, 8:35:53] James: My head is quieter. I am better able to feel what I feel

[2025/08/29, 8:36:01] James: Even if what I feel isn’t particularly pleasant

[2025/08/29, 8:36:11] James: That’s how it goes though eh

[2025/08/29, 8:36:34] James: You’re just aware of impermanence and how right the b-man was. But you haven’t dropped the rest of your problems

[2025/08/29, 8:36:40] James: It’s the start, not the end

[2025/08/29, 8:36:52] James: And my brain is still fucked up from those drugs

[2025/08/29, 8:37:03] James: I was only on them 6.5 weeks it seems

[2025/08/29, 8:37:09] James: And I’ve been away from them for 7

[2025/08/29, 8:37:16] James: And it will be 7 more at least

[2025/08/29, 8:37:22] James: Fucking ridiculous

[2025/08/29, 8:37:38] James: How the fuck am I going to do my accounts

[2025/08/29, 11:27:29] James: .

[2025/08/29, 11:27:41] James: 3 hour nao after 8 hours sleep

[2025/08/29, 14:13:59] James: .

[2025/08/29, 14:14:10] James: This is interesting. My world feels buttery smooth again

[2025/08/29, 14:14:22] James: I am seeing through my peripherals

[2025/08/29, 14:14:28] James: And the brain feels supple

[2025/08/29, 14:14:43] James: Almost like the world is water

[2025/08/29, 14:14:46] James: And there’s a flow

[2025/08/29, 14:14:56] James: But far more subtle than when I was on those drugs

[2025/08/29, 14:15:08] James: I read a bit of Daniel Ingram’s book

[2025/08/29, 14:15:23] James: He seems very confident in his model, but then again you would be

[2025/08/29, 14:15:45] James: In that model I read the A&P part and wondered if that’s all I experienced

[2025/08/29, 14:15:57] James: But I think I went through 2 months of that, time condensed

[2025/08/29, 14:16:16] James: And the descriptions of the dark night … I think that was my 88 hells

[2025/08/29, 14:16:22] James: And I came out the other side

[2025/08/29, 14:16:32] James: So it seems like I probably hit the path moment

[2025/08/29, 14:16:42] James: These changes are lasting

[2025/08/29, 14:17:01] James: I just hope my executive function returns and I can handle emotional conversations and accounting again

[2025/08/29, 14:17:04] James: I think it will

[2025/08/29, 14:17:06] James: With time

[2025/08/29, 14:17:15] James: But I am sleeping 11 hours a night right now

[2025/08/29, 14:17:20] James: And probably ‘depressed’

[2025/08/29, 14:17:26] James: But it doesn’t bother me like it would have

[2025/08/29, 14:17:30] James: It just… is

[2025/08/29, 14:17:34] James: And it will not be

[2025/08/29, 14:17:39] James: Just like it was not

[2025/08/29, 14:17:54] James: I see what they mean

[2025/08/29, 14:18:06] James: ‘Best not to start, but if you have started, best to finish’

[2025/08/29, 14:18:24] James: But this is just step one

[2025/08/29, 14:18:36] James: The next step is to repeat it without the delusion

[2025/08/29, 19:03:27] James: .

[2025/08/29, 19:03:31] James: I’m back in my old house

[2025/08/29, 19:03:41] James: Every Friday night as my wife goes to aikido

[2025/08/29, 19:03:50] James: I can’t even look at the things from my old life

[2025/08/29, 19:03:57] James: Such strife and suffering

[2025/08/29, 19:04:00] James: Always busy

[2025/08/29, 19:04:09] James: Always moving and forcing and wrenching around

[2025/08/29, 19:04:19] James: Just to avoid staying still and being in my own skin

[2025/08/29, 19:04:23] James: The art…

[2025/08/29, 19:04:30] James: The sheer… dissatisfaction

[2025/08/29, 19:04:36] James: Never good enoug

[2025/08/29, 19:04:56] James: Literal hours in the workshop sanding down a single piece of wood

[2025/08/29, 19:05:08] James: Only to decide it isn’t right and start again

[2025/08/29, 19:05:11] James: The anger

[2025/08/29, 19:05:16] James: The sheer volume of output

[2025/08/29, 19:05:20] James: Fucking hell man

[2025/08/29, 19:05:29] James: I was suffering so badly

[2025/08/29, 19:05:36] James: Just… pain everywhere

[2025/08/29, 19:05:40] James: I can’t even look at it

[2025/08/29, 19:05:43] James: The things

[2025/08/29, 19:05:52] James: All the shit. All the fucking objects

[2025/08/29, 19:05:55] James: Just

[2025/08/29, 19:06:00] James: Making me more empty inside

[2025/08/29, 19:06:12] James: The art and getting things out. Finding out just how hurt I was

[2025/08/29, 19:06:33] James: It’s sobering

[2025/08/29, 19:06:46] James: I will sit here in front of the house and meditate

[2025/08/29, 19:06:54] James: Because I just can’t think when I go inside

[2025/08/29, 19:07:07] James: I want to blame the kids for being so loud. But it’s not them

[2025/08/29, 19:07:14] James: It’s all the fucking shit from my old life

[2025/08/29, 19:07:21] James: I think I need to dispose of it all

[2025/08/29, 19:07:36] James: Just hire a company to come and rip it all out. Get rid of it all. Start again.

[2025/08/29, 19:07:43] James: Keep the power tools.

[2025/08/29, 19:07:47] James: Keep the chisels

[2025/08/29, 19:07:53] James: Keep the bikes and snowboards

[2025/08/29, 19:08:05] James: Everything else… what was it for

[2025/08/29, 19:08:11] James: Just the eternal …

[2025/08/29, 19:08:14] James: I don’t know.

[2025/08/29, 19:08:16] James: I was so empty

[2025/08/29, 19:08:19] James: And so hurt

[2025/08/29, 19:08:24] James: And I hated myself so much

[2025/08/29, 19:08:48] James: How did it ever get so bad

[2025/08/29, 19:08:54] James: And how has it all gone

[2025/08/29, 19:09:05] James: I almost want to talk to someone

[2025/08/29, 19:09:12] James: But I know I would have nothing to say

[2025/08/29, 19:09:22] James: Anything I did say would just sound like whining

[2025/08/29, 19:09:26] James: Stop whining James

[2025/08/29, 19:09:32] James: The motto of my childhood

[2025/08/29, 19:09:42] James: I’m not whining though

[2025/08/29, 19:09:46] James: I feel free from it all

[2025/08/29, 19:09:50] James: I am still recovering

[2025/08/29, 19:09:52] James: And weak

[2025/08/29, 19:10:04] James: But I will get there

[2025/08/29, 19:10:19] James: I’ll recover and I’ll be strong again, but happy this time

[2025/08/29, 19:10:23] James: And I’ll know who I am

[2025/08/29, 19:10:28] James: That I am autistic and have adhd

[2025/08/29, 19:10:36] James: And I’ll find a way of living that respects that

[2025/08/29, 19:10:47] James: I will likely have the emtiest room possible

[2025/08/29, 19:10:58] James: A space for art. Quiet, contemplative art.

[2025/08/29, 19:11:22] James: My balcony for knives and writing and meditating

[2025/08/29, 19:11:24] James: A bed

[2025/08/29, 19:11:32] James: A few books

[2025/08/29, 19:11:37] James: And that’s it, I think

[2025/08/29, 19:11:51] James: I don’t want to run my company any more

[2025/08/29, 19:12:04] James: I hate all that shit

[2025/08/29, 19:12:25] James: I just want simplicity and quiet

[2025/08/29, 19:38:10] James: .

[2025/08/29, 19:38:24] James: Yeah… meditating outside is better than anything I did in my past life

[2025/08/29, 19:38:36] James: I’m not hooked on it or going particularly deep

[2025/08/29, 19:38:40] James: It’s just… nicer

[2025/08/29, 19:38:51] James: It doesn’t create a hole in my heart

[2025/08/29, 19:38:56] James: .