Quickly summarising how the drugs induced each state.
Valproate: (gaba+)
dissolution, dark night (depression)
Guanfacine: (NE-)
dark night, desire for deliverance
^ these were mild, pre-insight
Aripirazole: (tonic dopamine+, phasic-)
Pushed me over AP threshold in an instant
2 weeks solid AP, thinking I was enlightened
Increase dose + fast flushing: (receptor adaptation; tonic- phasic+, big fluctuations)
Dissolution
Major Dark Night (88 hells)
While daily cycing DN / EQ / AP
cease valproate: (gaba-)
Upgrade = Kundalini event; major AP
Equanimity 1 day
then (gradually increasing aripirazole, but always in withdrawal)
2 days of re-observation… impossible to describe
shivers, sweating, dictating instead of speech, visual aberrations, cranial sensations
too much current for the wire; my brain was a supercomputer
then
blip
brief stability
cease aripirazole cold turkey
ego dissolution
4 days of fruition
return to james2.0
reinstate valproate
educes executive function and integration
increase valproate
makes things worse, causes meltdowns
defy doctor to stop valproate
assimilated the experience within a few days
None of this was intentional. It was bad doctoring.
/jb202509062043