20250901

[2025/09/01, 3:51:05] James: Yeah this seems to be a thing

[2025/09/01, 3:51:13] James: I meditated a lot yesterday

[2025/09/01, 3:51:26] James: And dreams about old patterns are resurfacing in my sleep

[2025/09/01, 3:52:01] James: First one was a waking up with zero doubt that this was the right path for me

[2025/09/01, 3:52:34] James: And just now I’ve woken up having shared something online to try to get likes, only to have someone steal it from me

[2025/09/01, 3:52:42] James: I guess I won’t be doing that, ha

[2025/09/01, 3:52:48] James: I always hated social media

[2025/09/01, 3:52:54] James: And my aim here is not to get likes

[2025/09/01, 3:53:03] James: It’s to promote real research into a real phenomenon

[2025/09/01, 3:53:28] James: This will be because I’ve reached out to someone to get proper introductions to people to instigate this research

[2025/09/01, 3:53:40] James: And I’ve got a couple of options for how to move forward (maybe)

[2025/09/01, 3:53:51] James: One is super scientific and keeps out of the spotlight

[2025/09/01, 3:54:01] James: And the other seems more coaching-oriented

[2025/09/01, 3:54:17] James: The coaching definitely isn’t my style but I will ask if they have real researchers

[2025/09/01, 3:54:38] James: I don’t want to get involved in another recruitment-like competition industry

[2025/09/01, 3:54:43] James: I’ve done my time

[2025/09/01, 3:54:56] James: I feel like I want to get up. Like I’ve had my sleep for the night.

[2025/09/01, 3:55:08] James: But the psychiatrist! Ha

[2025/09/01, 3:55:20] James: I’m meeting her in a couple of days

[2025/09/01, 3:55:48] James: Feeling like it’s not necessary but I certainly benefit from guanfacine

[2025/09/01, 3:55:54] James: I’ll probably increase it a little

[2025/09/01, 3:56:04] James: Let’s get up and have some breakfast / a snack

[2025/09/01, 3:56:14] James: Maybe just roll with it and have a longer nap

[2025/09/01, 3:56:20] James: I do love seeing the dawn

[2025/09/01, 4:33:57] James: .

[2025/09/01, 4:34:07] James: Yeah I definitely don’t want to be in the spotlight

[2025/09/01, 4:34:18] James: That’s one thing that was made clear during the hells

[2025/09/01, 4:34:37] James: I just want these dawn walks

[2025/09/01, 4:34:57] James: But even these pleasant feelings are always followed by the unpleasant

[2025/09/01, 4:35:04] James: And they all pass

[2025/09/01, 4:35:13] James: What is final awakening?

[2025/09/01, 4:35:22] James: Dropping the craving for nibbana itself

[2025/09/01, 4:35:34] James: But I have a lot more purification to go before that

[2025/09/01, 4:37:55] James: I guess my awakening might have been a pretty big one

[2025/09/01, 4:38:00] James: I doubt they are all equal

[2025/09/01, 4:38:12] James: But the fact I was held in that state for so long

[2025/09/01, 4:38:26] James: I suppose an intensive retreat could do that

[2025/09/01, 4:38:44] James: I’d like to try a retreat again

[2025/09/01, 4:38:55] James: But my wife’s yoga and my kids take priority for a while

[2025/09/01, 4:39:06] James: I can build my own plan

[2025/09/01, 4:39:22] James: And maybe have my cycling / camping as personal retreats

[2025/09/01, 4:45:39] James: .

[2025/09/01, 4:45:45] James: The craving for love and approval

[2025/09/01, 4:45:55] James: That was my weak point

[2025/09/01, 4:46:01] James: One of many

[2025/09/01, 4:46:05] James: But the real painful one

[2025/09/01, 4:46:12] James: The RSD

[2025/09/01, 4:46:19] James: But it extends to everything

[2025/09/01, 4:46:40] James: This new me just wants the truth I think

[2025/09/01, 4:46:47] James: Avoid fanfare

[2025/09/01, 4:46:59] James: This is why you don’t track page visitors

[2025/09/01, 4:47:12] James: Cultivate the cage

[2025/09/01, 7:04:37] James: .

[2025/09/01, 7:04:42] James: Pretty happy with that article

[2025/09/01, 7:04:51] James: Now to observe how I feel going forward

[2025/09/01, 7:05:13] James: A bit a&p’y today. But more equanimity. Definitely not DN.

[2025/09/01, 7:05:33] James: Shorten to AP, DN and E.

[2025/09/01, 7:20:01] James: .

[2025/09/01, 7:20:41] James: I wonder how many other people were pushed over the AP threshold only to have it labelled mania and their drugs stopped, maybe leaving them in DN territory without the ability to open the door to process things

[2025/09/01, 7:21:03] James: It seems like a plausible trajectory and I guess that’s why I couldn’t allow it to happen

[2025/09/01, 7:21:11] James: On some level I just knew

[2025/09/01, 7:21:21] James: The autistic kid inside knew it was his chance at freedom

[2025/09/01, 7:21:36] James: And he fucking went all in, the hard little cunt

[2025/09/01, 7:21:38] James: Ha

[2025/09/01, 7:21:43] James: Fucking did it

[2025/09/01, 7:21:56] James: His own way

[2025/09/01, 8:07:35] James: .

[2025/09/01, 8:07:39] James: My boy is really growin

[2025/09/01, 8:07:50] James: In confidence and character as well as posture and poise

[2025/09/01, 8:08:06] James: It’s fantastic to see and even better now I cling less

[2025/09/01, 8:08:20] James: The olden days are gone but the present is here

[2025/09/01, 8:08:30] James: And that is how it is and always shall be

[2025/09/01, 8:08:49] James: And now he’s out of sight, I am in the new present

[2025/09/01, 8:09:03] James: This short memory thing isn’t too bad once you accept it

[2025/09/01, 8:09:15] James: Let the tiger play

[2025/09/01, 8:10:57] James: Now time for my morning ice cream

[2025/09/01, 8:11:01] James: 5 a day

[2025/09/01, 8:11:10] James: The cornerstone of a balanced diet

[2025/09/01, 8:54:25] James: Time for a nap

[2025/09/01, 13:48:24] James: .

[2025/09/01, 13:48:41] James: I seem to be cycling through AP, DN and E faster than I would have expected

[2025/09/01, 13:49:07] James: This morning was AP then a bit of DN

[2025/09/01, 13:49:20] James: I feel so full of confidence and virility when AP

[2025/09/01, 13:49:28] James: But it always passes, and faster than before

[2025/09/01, 13:49:45] James: And then anxiety as a bit of DN comes along. A couple of naps.

[2025/09/01, 13:49:51] James: And let’s see how the day pans out from here

[2025/09/01, 13:50:16] James: From what I’ve read the cycle would be slower for a stream enterer; though obviously unique biology comes into it

[2025/09/01, 13:50:40] James: There’s a chance I was held in the meditative state a lot longer than usual because it was chemically induced

[2025/09/01, 13:51:00] James: I went through a lot of micro cycles maybe, in the single macro cycle

[2025/09/01, 13:51:11] James: Maybe that’s what is happening now. Or maybe consolidation

[2025/09/01, 13:51:18] James: It’s nice to have dreams for the consolidation again

[2025/09/01, 13:51:34] James: Being awake 22 hours a day will mean your dreams are all waking dreams

[2025/09/01, 13:51:42] James: That was a wild couple of months

[2025/09/01, 13:51:47] James: Still recovering for sure

[2025/09/01, 13:51:54] James: But the lessons seem to be being reinforced

[2025/09/01, 13:52:06] James: I know what the dreams mean and they don’t scare me despite being scary

[2025/09/01, 13:52:14] James: It’s like quitting booze and dreaming you were drunk

[2025/09/01, 13:52:17] James: A reinforcement

[2025/09/01, 13:52:22] James: Of what not to do

[2025/09/01, 13:52:37] James: Anyway let’s go get the kiddo and see if I drift into equanimity or not

[2025/09/01, 13:52:49] James: Doesn’t really matter; it’ll roll around eventually

[2025/09/01, 13:53:00] James: (That’s a pretty equanimous thing to say)