[2025/09/02, 16:23:48] James: Pretty tiring day
[2025/09/02, 16:24:16] James: Lots of driving. Doctor. Difficult personal situation to navigate.
[2025/09/02, 16:24:32] James: Didn’t have much time to meditate or walk.
[2025/09/02, 16:24:40] James: Definitely feeling cranky because of it.
[2025/09/02, 16:24:59] James: Been fairly hardcore on the meditation front for the last couple of days too
[2025/09/02, 16:25:16] James: And physical exercise 3 days running
[2025/09/02, 16:25:27] James: Definitely need a recovery evening
[2025/09/02, 16:25:32] James: How does that look though. Ha
[2025/09/02, 16:25:40] James: I used to do like 24 hours of training a week
[2025/09/02, 16:25:43] James: 3 hours a day
[2025/09/02, 16:25:47] James: Plus full day of work
[2025/09/02, 16:25:52] James: Insane really
[2025/09/02, 16:26:03] James: Anything to avoid standing still
[2025/09/02, 16:26:16] James: I’m much happier now
[2025/09/02, 16:26:25] James: Definitely still human
[2025/09/02, 16:27:42] James: I guess I’ll do a knife
[2025/09/02, 16:27:49] James: Not done one for a fair few days
[2025/09/02, 16:27:55] James: Almost forgot they were an option
[2025/09/02, 16:28:08] James: My kid told me to bugger off too.
[2025/09/02, 16:28:08] James: Ha
[2025/09/02, 17:26:22] James: .
[2025/09/02, 17:26:27] James: So dvar was high earlier
[2025/09/02, 17:26:30] James: Still elevated
[2025/09/02, 17:27:16] James: I should have noticed
[2025/09/02, 17:27:20] James: But still a novice
[2025/09/02, 17:27:33] James: Busy morning and not much time for regulation
[2025/09/02, 17:27:46] James: Lots of driving and a fair amount of stress
[2025/09/02, 17:27:50] James: So the signs were…
[2025/09/02, 17:27:55] James: I felt a pressure to write
[2025/09/02, 17:28:11] James: I had ideas while driving and felt like I needed to note them down for later
[2025/09/02, 17:28:26] James: More obviously (or less obviously)
[2025/09/02, 17:28:32] James: I have been more attached to the self
[2025/09/02, 17:28:42] James: The potential outcomes of things
[2025/09/02, 17:28:44] James: Anxiety
[2025/09/02, 17:28:52] James: Feelings of responsibility
[2025/09/02, 17:28:57] James: These are big ones for me
[2025/09/02, 17:29:05] James: So I need to make a list
[2025/09/02, 17:29:11] James: For spotting when dvar is high
[2025/09/02, 17:29:18] James: Because it creeps up like a bitch
[2025/09/02, 17:29:33] James: and I am still a conditioned thing
[2025/09/02, 17:29:37] James: But there’s an observer
[2025/09/02, 17:29:43] James: Is the observer conditioned?
[2025/09/02, 17:29:47] James: I think he is
[2025/09/02, 17:29:51] James: You can train him
[2025/09/02, 17:29:58] James: Which would imply continuity
[2025/09/02, 17:30:07] James: It must be a higher cognition thing
[2025/09/02, 17:30:15] James: A slightly different brain network
[2025/09/02, 17:30:22] James: Metacognition
[2025/09/02, 17:30:32] James: I’ll feel better after a hum!
[2025/09/02, 17:30:36] James: But that’s not yet.
[2025/09/02, 17:30:53] James: Don’t like the irritability
[2025/09/02, 17:31:00] James: But that’s just a temporary state
[2025/09/02, 17:31:04] James: Like everything
[2025/09/02, 17:31:10] James: And the dvar is what makes it bad
[2025/09/02, 17:31:19] James: What causes it and what makes it repulsive
[2025/09/02, 17:33:00] James: I should do some kind of therapy session soon
[2025/09/02, 17:33:09] James: Get a knife and spend a few hours polishing and writing
[2025/09/02, 17:33:13] James: A mini-hell
[2025/09/02, 17:36:04] James: Yeah pretty knackered
[2025/09/02, 17:36:21] James: Probably just sleep is the best
[2025/09/02, 17:36:45] James: Maybe some easy gaming to get my mind elsewhere
[2025/09/02, 17:37:12] James: I still don’t have the emptiness inside that I used to
[2025/09/02, 17:37:26] James: But you definitely need to cultivate the dvar
[2025/09/02, 17:37:33] James: Or it eats you
[2025/09/02, 18:43:20] James: .
[2025/09/02, 18:43:25] James: Got a bit of the fear then
[2025/09/02, 18:43:29] James: Cut it into some wood
[2025/09/02, 18:43:37] James: Art is also invaluable
[2025/09/02, 18:43:51] James: Some things need to be exported, not regulated away.
[2025/09/02, 18:44:00] James: I don’t know what the fear was about
[2025/09/02, 18:44:03] James: Actually I do
[2025/09/02, 18:44:12] James: It was fear about regressing to how I was
[2025/09/02, 18:44:20] James: But I have no evidence that is happening
[2025/09/02, 18:44:29] James: And that’s probably a ‘healthy fear’ anyway
[2025/09/02, 18:44:33] James: It’s in the wood now
[2025/09/02, 18:54:38] James: .
[2025/09/02, 18:55:18] James: For a person tormented by evil thoughts, who is passion-dominated and given to the pursuit of pleasure, his craving steadily grows. He makes the fetter strong indeed.
[2025/09/02, 18:55:36] James: Fuck me b man. Dvar! Dvaaaaar!
[2025/09/02, 20:05:01] James: .
[2025/09/02, 20:05:14] James: Loads of flashing memories at a point in that meditation
[2025/09/02, 20:05:24] James: Like flicking through an entire movie in 3 seconds
[2025/09/02, 20:05:36] James: Felt like shit coming out of my unconscious or something
[2025/09/02, 20:05:49] James: Had a bit of a rock afterward to try to … I dunno
[2025/09/02, 20:06:05] James: Because it’s what I did when I was scheodingers cat and just felt like the right thing
[2025/09/02, 20:06:14] James: Maybe up the dopamine a bit. Get them out. I dunno.
[2025/09/02, 20:06:56] James: Felt cathartic.
[2025/09/02, 20:07:43] James: Definitely cleared the junk of the day
[2025/09/02, 20:07:48] James: Early night I think
[2025/09/02, 20:22:16] James: .
[2025/09/02, 20:22:31] James: I realised that the family member who called me unempathetic doesn’t actually know me
[2025/09/02, 20:22:40] James: I left home when they were a young child. Came to japan
[2025/09/02, 20:22:47] James: I am just the ‘absent brother’ to them
[2025/09/02, 20:22:57] James: They undoubtedly have their own complex about that
[2025/09/02, 20:23:05] James: And nobody else in the family called me unempathetic
[2025/09/02, 20:23:18] James: So…
[2025/09/02, 20:23:23] James: I don’t know.
[2025/09/02, 20:23:31] James: My wife and mother know I’m empathetic
[2025/09/02, 20:23:45] James: That might just be their neurosis