[2025/09/03, 6:02:27] James: .
[2025/09/03, 6:02:38] James: Pretty sure I had an AP event in a dream
[2025/09/03, 6:02:42] James: That was cool
[2025/09/03, 6:02:52] James: It was like a mini kundalini
[2025/09/03, 6:02:58] James: A flushing of consciousness
[2025/09/03, 6:56:59] James: .
[2025/09/03, 6:57:17] James: Meditation is like washing away the logs in your brain with a flood of dopamine
[2025/09/03, 6:57:22] James: A physical washing away
[2025/09/03, 14:08:29] James: .
[2025/09/03, 14:08:38] James: Yeah that was definitely AP territory
[2025/09/03, 14:08:47] James: The flood of writing and clarity afterward
[2025/09/03, 14:09:09] James: Came after a brief recovery following intensive meditation
[2025/09/03, 14:09:26] James: And now I’ve had a nap I feel a bit more down
[2025/09/03, 14:09:30] James: Not anxious
[2025/09/03, 14:09:36] James: Or… not in the same way
[2025/09/03, 14:09:47] James: I care about the ideas and whether they can help someone
[2025/09/03, 14:10:02] James: But I don’t really care about them being ‘my identity’
[2025/09/03, 14:10:11] James: I’d rather they weren’t stolen. Ha
[2025/09/03, 14:10:25] James: But that’s not for the same reasons it was before
[2025/09/03, 14:10:43] James: More because I don’t want things taking out of context
[2025/09/03, 14:10:46] James: Or whatever
[2025/09/03, 14:10:54] James: I guess I want them to work for people outside of me
[2025/09/03, 14:11:03] James: But the important thing is that they work for me
[2025/09/03, 14:11:22] James: This cycle though. AP to DN to EQ. There might be something to it
[2025/09/03, 14:11:37] James: It’s like you feed a problem in
[2025/09/03, 14:11:50] James: And it causes gradual logjam as things coalesce
[2025/09/03, 14:12:03] James: Then the water rises to a critical level
[2025/09/03, 14:12:13] James: And it all spills out as an answer
[2025/09/03, 14:12:19] James: Following an AP event
[2025/09/03, 14:12:26] James: Like the thing in the hells
[2025/09/03, 14:12:32] James: On the 10th of July
[2025/09/03, 14:12:44] James: I think that was like a 3 week / 2 year project
[2025/09/03, 14:12:54] James: To figure out the entire cause of addiction and suffering
[2025/09/03, 14:13:04] James: And then a huge, orgasmic AP event when it clicked
[2025/09/03, 14:13:08] James: Like a physical click
[2025/09/03, 14:13:17] James: I swear this must be real
[2025/09/03, 14:13:31] James: Can’t think of any other possible explanation
[2025/09/03, 14:13:45] James: G doesn’t think I’m crazy. Ha
[2025/09/03, 14:13:51] James: Some people certainly do
[2025/09/03, 14:14:08] James: But I think I am less deluded than ever
[2025/09/03, 14:14:15] James: All those years chasing mental baubles
[2025/09/03, 14:14:27] James: And now I’m in the moment
[2025/09/03, 14:24:16] James: .
[2025/09/03, 14:24:25] James: Confidence is invariably followed by anxiety
[2025/09/03, 14:24:35] James: And they both invariably pass
[2025/09/03, 14:42:44] James: .
[2025/09/03, 14:42:50] James: I reckon I’ve always had these cycles
[2025/09/03, 14:42:53] James: Macro and micro
[2025/09/03, 14:43:03] James: Probably everyone does
[2025/09/03, 20:45:11] James: .
[2025/09/03, 20:45:52] James: Alright so I’m sure this works now
[2025/09/03, 20:46:04] James: And I think I will get more intentional with it
[2025/09/03, 20:46:26] James: I think I will try choosing something that causes me suffering and targeting it with each cycle
[2025/09/03, 20:46:33] James: So an easy one would be irritability
[2025/09/03, 20:46:46] James: I was full of beans this morning but got tired as the day went on.
[2025/09/03, 20:47:02] James: It kinda tracks perfectly with the AP, dissolution, DN route
[2025/09/03, 20:47:15] James: And meditation this evening felt challenging. Gritty.
[2025/09/03, 20:47:32] James: I would have just said I was tired from the kids previously but I don’t think that was the case
[2025/09/03, 20:47:39] James: I was AP in the morning
[2025/09/03, 20:47:59] James: I had a nap and had floating anxiety after that, which is a kind of ‘was that clarity real or not’
[2025/09/03, 20:48:08] James: Again - classical dissolution of the AP
[2025/09/03, 20:48:35] James: And then a bit DN in the evening. Not snapping anywhere near what I used to, but still less tolerant than I would have liked
[2025/09/03, 20:48:43] James: (Seriously a hundred times better though)
[2025/09/03, 20:48:49] James: But this irritability
[2025/09/03, 20:48:52] James: It only hurts me
[2025/09/03, 20:48:56] James: And others I guess
[2025/09/03, 20:48:59] James: But let’s focus on me
[2025/09/03, 20:49:07] James: It fills me with regret
[2025/09/03, 20:49:29] James: It makes me think ‘why did you snap at them’ for something that was so transient
[2025/09/03, 20:49:43] James: I was enjoying things
[2025/09/03, 20:49:55] James: But also had the internal landscape to make it hard to enjoy
[2025/09/03, 20:50:04] James: The tda was low and the dvar was high
[2025/09/03, 20:50:20] James: And this is also why it’s hard to focus at times like that
[2025/09/03, 20:50:37] James: You have a noisy mind and no solid baseline
[2025/09/03, 20:51:14] James: I’m back into the world now it seems
[2025/09/03, 20:51:23] James: Talking with people. Sharing the protocol a little bit.
[2025/09/03, 20:51:32] James: Not trying to self-promote
[2025/09/03, 20:51:37] James: I know how horrible that feels
[2025/09/03, 20:51:45] James: So the lessons of my life and my job are ingrained
[2025/09/03, 20:51:51] James: Addiction and consumption are bad
[2025/09/03, 20:51:55] James: RSD sucks balls
[2025/09/03, 20:51:59] James: People pleasing is bad
[2025/09/03, 20:52:05] James: Watching your bank account is bad
[2025/09/03, 20:52:13] James: Winning competitions never satisfies
[2025/09/03, 20:52:17] James: These are in deep
[2025/09/03, 20:52:28] James: I know there’s no ‘me’ really
[2025/09/03, 20:52:37] James: Every thought is just a domino in a chain
[2025/09/03, 20:52:49] James: And then if you cut off phasic dopamine for just an instant, the chain breaks
[2025/09/03, 20:52:55] James: And it needs to be rebuilt
[2025/09/03, 20:53:07] James: So let’s see if I can intentionally prune
[2025/09/03, 20:53:19] James: Perfect enlightenment can come after the kids are grown; ha
[2025/09/03, 20:53:28] James: Let’s just try to be a better father and improve their world
[2025/09/03, 20:53:40] James: The way to do this is to be less snappy and more present
[2025/09/03, 20:53:56] James: Or at least to excuse myself
[2025/09/03, 20:54:06] James: Because again - it makes me miserable when I snap at them
[2025/09/03, 20:54:20] James: Luca is such a cute kid. Always moving and doing silly shit
[2025/09/03, 20:54:28] James: But also… always moving and doing silly shit.
[2025/09/03, 20:54:36] James: I don’t want to stifle him
[2025/09/03, 20:54:43] James: So let’s just not snap
[2025/09/03, 20:54:46] James: Easy
[2025/09/03, 20:54:54] James: Does it help me?
[2025/09/03, 20:54:59] James: Maybe he stops.
[2025/09/03, 20:55:04] James: But then I feel bad
[2025/09/03, 20:55:06] James: And he feels bad
[2025/09/03, 20:55:13] James: And he gets antsy
[2025/09/03, 20:55:21] James: Like when people told me to stop
[2025/09/03, 20:55:28] James: Sit still stop moving be quiet
[2025/09/03, 20:55:32] James: I don’t want that for him
[2025/09/03, 20:55:35] James: It wasn’t good for me
[2025/09/03, 20:55:47] James: So let’s trim that away in the next upgrade
[2025/09/03, 20:56:03] James: I reckon this will be micro- and macro-cycles
[2025/09/03, 20:56:19] James: So you trim away small behaviours like snappiness over the course of a 1-2 week cycle
[2025/09/03, 20:56:34] James: But a big one like greed needed … 41 years. Ha
[2025/09/03, 20:56:41] James: But it’s gone.
[2025/09/03, 20:56:44] James: I feel no greed
[2025/09/03, 20:56:48] James: RSD is also gone
[2025/09/03, 20:56:55] James: But I still don’t want to be incorrect
[2025/09/03, 20:57:08] James: The thing is, anyone can plug something into google now
[2025/09/03, 20:57:21] James: And people are too hooked on the scientific method and being right
[2025/09/03, 20:57:24] James: Does it matter?
[2025/09/03, 20:57:28] James: Like… really
[2025/09/03, 20:57:38] James: If something helps someone to improve their reality…
[2025/09/03, 20:57:46] James: Does it matter if the science is a little off?
[2025/09/03, 20:57:56] James: It’s a line between legibility and credibility
[2025/09/03, 20:58:05] James: And fuck ke does ChatGPT try to hedge its fucking bets
[2025/09/03, 20:58:19] James: No wonder everything on the internet is so shit and generic now
[2025/09/03, 20:58:32] James: It’s all authored by the same bloody algos
[2025/09/03, 20:58:36] James: Not me
[2025/09/03, 20:58:37] James: Nope
[2025/09/03, 20:58:40] James: No sir
[2025/09/03, 20:58:52] James: I will check a little bit of the science when I like
[2025/09/03, 20:59:04] James: But those suggestions for rewrites? Told it to fuck off
[2025/09/03, 20:59:19] James: Have you running in circles until there’s nothing of your own in there any more
[2025/09/03, 20:59:27] James: And you have no idea what it fucking says. Ha
[2025/09/03, 20:59:37] James: So
[2025/09/03, 20:59:40] James: Irritability
[2025/09/03, 20:59:44] James: And the need to be correct
[2025/09/03, 20:59:51] James: Those two cause me problems
[2025/09/03, 20:59:54] James: They hurt me
[2025/09/03, 20:59:58] James: And they hurt others
[2025/09/03, 21:00:02] James: So it’s time they were gone
[2025/09/03, 21:00:05] James: Simple!
[2025/09/03, 21:00:16] James: G’night!