20250904

[2025/09/04, 5:29:54] James: Well today’s dream was another protracted one and not too nice

[2025/09/04, 5:30:09] James: Flying to Thailand. Got caught up by customs

[2025/09/04, 5:30:32] James: My passport was missing afterward and spent ages running around getting a new one

[2025/09/04, 5:30:43] James: Frantically trying to solve the practical problem

[2025/09/04, 5:31:06] James: On the way back found out that customs had done significantly worse things to my travelling partners but they had hidden it

[2025/09/04, 5:31:20] James: I flew into a rage at them and wound up in a fist fight

[2025/09/04, 5:31:49] James: These customs folks had been abusing people as a standard practice

[2025/09/04, 5:32:07] James: They had stolen a jacket my wife gave me and I couldn’t accept it - it was the final straw

[2025/09/04, 5:32:16] James: Friends who had been abused

[2025/09/04, 5:32:39] James: I lost it and dived in to ravage about 3 of them at once, on their territory

[2025/09/04, 5:32:43] James: A guaranteed losing fight

[2025/09/04, 5:32:51] James: While my friends were trying to drag me off

[2025/09/04, 5:33:12] James: Stuff coming out from the mind, I guess

[2025/09/04, 5:33:35] James: Cycling - yesterday was AP joy territory and today is looking at fear and disgust I guess

[2025/09/04, 5:33:50] James: This will be ‘fighting with them is what makes you sick’

[2025/09/04, 5:33:52] James: My anger

[2025/09/04, 5:34:11] James: And the fact that the fighting at school… that was for other people

[2025/09/04, 5:34:19] James: A lot of my fighting has been for other people

[2025/09/04, 5:34:21] James: Supposedly

[2025/09/04, 5:34:30] James: But those other people didn’t always want me to fight

[2025/09/04, 5:34:49] James: They were resigned to the fact that the authorities would abuse them

[2025/09/04, 5:34:58] James: (The bullies or the big boys)

[2025/09/04, 5:35:03] James: But I couldn’t let it happen

[2025/09/04, 5:35:19] James: The rage when I see someone who has been taken advantage of

[2025/09/04, 5:35:23] James: Especially a friend

[2025/09/04, 5:35:30] James: But the door was right there

[2025/09/04, 5:35:38] James: And we could have walked out

[2025/09/04, 5:35:44] James: With our lives

[2025/09/04, 5:36:00] James: But I consigned myself to being hospitalised or killed

[2025/09/04, 5:36:26] James: I guess this is the hero side

[2025/09/04, 5:36:33] James: I guess he is a cause of my pain too

[2025/09/04, 5:36:41] James: I’m still attached to that one

[2025/09/04, 5:36:46] James: The guy who fights for good

[2025/09/04, 5:36:59] James: I still find that self-image quite enamouring

[2025/09/04, 5:37:12] James: The one from the movies

[2025/09/04, 5:37:20] James: The guy who lays his life down for the cause

[2025/09/04, 5:37:27] James: But I could have just walked out

[2025/09/04, 5:37:30] James: ….

[2025/09/04, 5:37:35] James: Story of my life I guess

[2025/09/04, 5:37:41] James: And time to put that one to rest too

[2025/09/04, 5:37:49] James: Man this insight stuff

[2025/09/04, 5:37:54] James: Thick and fast

[2025/09/04, 5:38:02] James: Up and down

[2025/09/04, 5:38:18] James: Cycling at a rate of knots and loads of old conditioning coming to the surface

[2025/09/04, 5:38:36] James: Don’t want to fully buy into the AP ND EQ cycling

[2025/09/04, 5:38:42] James: But it seems to fit

[2025/09/04, 5:40:19] James: This is good

[2025/09/04, 5:40:29] James: There’s some very deep conditioning coming out

[2025/09/04, 5:40:54] James: I had a feeling it might go dark for a while after how yesterday panned out

[2025/09/04, 5:41:19] James: The river metaphor really fits

[2025/09/04, 5:41:31] James: A lot of the junk was cleared by the nibbana incident

[2025/09/04, 5:41:34] James: But not all of it

[2025/09/04, 5:41:42] James: The rest was loosened though

[2025/09/04, 5:41:59] James: And if I hadn’t carried on practicing, it would have settled back into place

[2025/09/04, 7:57:57] James: .

[2025/09/04, 7:58:01] James: What a glorious morning

[2025/09/04, 7:58:12] James: Definitely be getting on that bike and dislodging some more shit today

[2025/09/04, 7:58:25] James: Kamma without intent, leading to the removal of Kamma

[2025/09/04, 7:58:38] James: All those years reprogramming myself to be someone or achieve something

[2025/09/04, 7:58:56] James: What I needed was to DEprogram myself so that I could witness the world properly

[2025/09/04, 7:59:15] James: I wonder if I can convince anyone else of how effective this is

[2025/09/04, 7:59:17] James: Well…

[2025/09/04, 7:59:19] James: Just keep at it

[2025/09/04, 7:59:27] James: N=1 and you’re documenting everything

[2025/09/04, 7:59:30] James: Next up: anger

[2025/09/04, 7:59:44] James: Irritability

[2025/09/04, 8:38:42] James: .

[2025/09/04, 8:38:50] James: I guess that’s why I ended up in such a bad world

[2025/09/04, 8:38:56] James: All the ambition and targets

[2025/09/04, 8:39:06] James: And then riding my bike and ingraining them deep

[2025/09/04, 8:39:09] James: Dopamine

[2025/09/04, 8:39:18] James: And I did all the things

[2025/09/04, 8:39:26] James: But doing them broke me

[2025/09/04, 8:39:36] James: This is a common thread

[2025/09/04, 8:39:44] James: Amongst the high fliers I worked with

[2025/09/04, 8:39:48] James: They are not happy

[2025/09/04, 8:39:52] James: They are striving

[2025/09/04, 8:40:01] James: And I guess their sins were programmed in a similar way

[2025/09/04, 8:40:09] James: First by circumstance

[2025/09/04, 8:40:18] James: And then societal reinforcement

[2025/09/04, 8:40:31] James: And a culture that just promotes productivity and consumption

[2025/09/04, 8:40:38] James: Greed

[2025/09/04, 8:40:44] James: Greed is not good

[2025/09/04, 8:40:48] James: It will eat you

[2025/09/04, 9:02:52] James: .

[2025/09/04, 9:02:58] James: Such angry people on Reddit

[2025/09/04, 9:03:07] James: I guess that’s what’ll happen if you try to talk to an addict

[2025/09/04, 9:03:18] James: ‘Can’t reason with an addict’ as my dad always said

[2025/09/04, 9:03:22] James: They’re in the d-hole

[2025/09/04, 9:03:34] James: Hopefully they won’t go all the way to self-annihilation

[2025/09/04, 9:03:47] James: Not really my problem. Everyone has to do the work for themselves.

[2025/09/04, 9:04:13] James: Angry and misinformed and just… yeah. It’s like the victim in an abusive relationship.

[2025/09/04, 9:04:25] James: Can’t see the harm they are doing themselves because they are so attached to the abuser

[2025/09/04, 9:04:33] James: Just like alcohol. And any other addiction.

[2025/09/04, 9:04:46] James: Apart from maybe nibbana. That is the addiction to removing addictions I guess

[2025/09/04, 9:05:07] James: And the b-man specifically said that the final step - which is a long way off - is to remove the addiction to nibbana

[2025/09/04, 9:05:15] James: So you use the addiction to that ultimate dopaminergic state

[2025/09/04, 9:05:22] James: And you remove the addictions to all others

[2025/09/04, 9:05:33] James: And then finally you put the tool down

[2025/09/04, 9:05:38] James: Because you did what had to be done

[2025/09/04, 9:05:45] James: It’s all kinda making sense you know

[2025/09/04, 9:05:49] James: But hey

[2025/09/04, 9:05:53] James: Fix yourself first

[2025/09/04, 9:05:58] James: And share the process, I guess

[2025/09/04, 9:06:03] James: Time for a bike ride

[2025/09/04, 9:06:08] James: And a turbo session

[2025/09/04, 9:06:15] James: See how that impacts the processing

[2025/09/04, 9:07:24] James: My irritation at these Reddit fools

[2025/09/04, 9:07:33] James: That is also because I care about the truth

[2025/09/04, 9:07:47] James: And I get angry when people start spouting falsehoods

[2025/09/04, 9:08:01] James: But they will do that to protect their abuser

[2025/09/04, 9:08:08] James: Just like the battered woman who lies in court

[2025/09/04, 9:08:17] James: Because they are addicts

[2025/09/04, 9:08:33] James: But the thing is: this doesn’t make me feel good, does it?

[2025/09/04, 9:08:42] James: The turn of the stomach and the ‘you’re wrong!’

[2025/09/04, 9:08:47] James: Like pissing in the wind

[2025/09/04, 9:08:52] James: They are wrong

[2025/09/04, 9:08:54] James: That’s a fact

[2025/09/04, 9:09:15] James: And they will delete their comment in shame because I sent along a pubmed article

[2025/09/04, 9:09:23] James: But they won’t change their opinion

[2025/09/04, 9:09:27] James: Because they’re addicted

[2025/09/04, 9:09:33] James: To this drug which is not weed

[2025/09/04, 9:09:39] James: And that is why they got so angry

[2025/09/04, 9:09:43] James: And are blind and deluded

[2025/09/04, 9:09:47] James: But the key thing is:

[2025/09/04, 9:10:01] James: It does not make you feel good to try to persuade idiots that they’re stupid

[2025/09/04, 9:10:07] James: They’re too stupid to see it

[2025/09/04, 9:10:10] James: And too addicted

[2025/09/04, 9:10:15] James: So stop caring

[2025/09/04, 9:10:26] James: It’s not your problem that they live in a dark world

[2025/09/04, 9:10:29] James: You’ve been there too

[2025/09/04, 9:10:40] James: And fighting with them is what makes you sick, after all

[2025/09/04, 9:10:48] James: So let’s go for that bike ride

[2025/09/04, 9:10:53] James: And sit for a turbo session

[2025/09/04, 9:11:07] James: And remove a bit more of the sickness that you accumulated over the years

[2025/09/04, 9:11:13] James: Jambo the white blood cell is ready

[2025/09/04, 9:11:24] James: And he’s starting to understand the mechanics of how this all works

[2025/09/04, 9:18:25] James: .

[2025/09/04, 9:18:26] James: Ha

[2025/09/04, 9:18:32] James: Starting with the most fettered

[2025/09/04, 9:18:38] James: Just what the Buddha did not do

[2025/09/04, 9:18:48] James: He was like ‘who sees clearly and can understand this dhamma’

[2025/09/04, 9:19:02] James: And even then the ascetics doubted him; they were too far to the other side

[2025/09/04, 9:19:17] James: I don’t know. Who is in the middle. Who has the most adjusted view?

[2025/09/04, 9:19:41] James: It’s not those addicted to drugs. Claiming H4CBH has enabled them to quit other substances and preaching about it

[2025/09/04, 9:19:53] James: No my friend - that is just a transferral of addiction

[2025/09/04, 9:20:09] James: You have put all your eggs in one basket and you will suffer when the basket breaks

[2025/09/04, 9:20:24] James: And what will you replace it with then, when your dvar is at 0.98 and you want to die?

[2025/09/04, 9:20:33] James: Man…

[2025/09/04, 9:20:42] James: You can’t help them though can you

[2025/09/04, 9:20:48] James: This is the fight again

[2025/09/04, 9:20:50] James: The hero complex

[2025/09/04, 9:21:11] James: The anger, actually, at how these people are being destroyed and encouraging others who need help to destroy themselves too

[2025/09/04, 9:21:24] James: Fighting them is what makes you sick though

[2025/09/04, 9:21:30] James: Just keep getting better

[2025/09/04, 9:21:37] James: Manipulate that dopamine without substances

[2025/09/04, 9:21:48] James: Or you just become addicted

[2025/09/04, 9:21:56] James: And that’s that

[2025/09/04, 9:22:01] James: Back in the d-hole

[2025/09/04, 9:25:29] James: This is all so fucking interesting though

[2025/09/04, 9:25:40] James: 41 years old and just realising how it all works

[2025/09/04, 9:25:53] James: How does the world not know this?

[2025/09/04, 9:26:05] James: The dhamma has been forgotten

[2025/09/04, 9:43:06] James: .

[2025/09/04, 9:43:10] James: (Riding)

[2025/09/04, 9:43:16] James: This is not just about suppressing dvar

[2025/09/04, 9:43:21] James: Dvar regulation

[2025/09/04, 9:43:30] James: You have to suppress it initially to gain control of the tiger

[2025/09/04, 9:43:41] James: But then you need to harness it to rewrite your programming

[2025/09/04, 9:43:47] James: So it’s periodisation 101

[2025/09/04, 9:44:12] James: I will try suppressing it during this ride and the first half of the sit, and then try to instigate phasic dopamine waves toward the end

[2025/09/04, 9:44:18] James: Have a good old rewrite

[2025/09/04, 9:59:49] James: .

[2025/09/04, 9:59:51] James: The train

[2025/09/04, 9:59:54] James: Changing tracks

[2025/09/04, 9:59:58] James: Tonic lifts it

[2025/09/04, 10:00:04] James: And phasic kicks it along the new one

[2025/09/04, 10:00:12] James: The new one was laid with intentional programming

[2025/09/04, 10:00:20] James: Can’t force the deaf to hear

[2025/09/04, 10:26:01] James: .

[2025/09/04, 10:26:10] James: A tiger trained to fight will fight you

[2025/09/04, 10:26:15] James: One trained to eat will eat you

[2025/09/04, 10:26:18] James: Phase 2

[2025/09/04, 10:26:23] James: Mobilising dvar

[2025/09/04, 11:41:11] James: .

[2025/09/04, 11:41:12] James: Man

[2025/09/04, 11:41:19] James: so many ideas and so much clarity on that ride.

[2025/09/04, 11:41:35] James: I could calm myself down afterward while sitting

[2025/09/04, 11:41:45] James: But then I leaned into the phasic bursts

[2025/09/04, 11:41:55] James: Felt like I as having a full body orgasm

[2025/09/04, 11:41:56] James: ha

[2025/09/04, 11:42:00] James: Like… really.

[2025/09/04, 11:42:03] James: Something else

[2025/09/04, 12:17:54] James: .

[2025/09/04, 12:18:05] James: And there I was jumping to conclusions about that person on reddit again

[2025/09/04, 12:18:09] James: Social media eh

[2025/09/04, 12:18:31] James: It’s just you vs your algorithms and my algorithms were optimised for a world of combat and enemies

[2025/09/04, 12:18:39] James: Ha

[2025/09/04, 12:18:47] James: Literally just me and my algos

[2025/09/04, 12:18:50] James: They need removing

[2025/09/04, 12:19:00] James: And they’re loosened after that ride I can tell

[2025/09/04, 12:19:05] James: The person was perfectly nice

[2025/09/04, 12:19:14] James: Found a solution that is working for them

[2025/09/04, 12:19:23] James: But hopefully doesn’t get stuck in the hole like I was

[2025/09/04, 12:19:33] James: I guess that’s the good thing about meditation

[2025/09/04, 12:19:36] James: you retain control

[2025/09/04, 12:19:46] James: that’s also the good thing about having a toke on a joint

[2025/09/04, 12:19:57] James: instead of fucking pharmaceuticals that have a half-life of 75 hours

[2025/09/04, 12:19:58] James: christ

[2025/09/04, 12:20:03] James: how did the system get so fucked

[2025/09/04, 12:20:10] James: just legalise the plant for fucks sake

[2025/09/04, 12:32:22] James: .

[2025/09/04, 12:32:41] James: to clarify: their tone was very combative in the first message, so not just my algos

[2025/09/04, 12:32:48] James: but that’s the nature of social media isn’t it?

[2025/09/04, 12:33:01] James: We are all just talking to our own projected worlds; our own algos

[2025/09/04, 12:33:12] James: and that’s why it spirals

[2025/09/04, 12:33:21] James: once you talk to the actual person they’re probably super nice.

[2025/09/04, 12:33:36] James: sims vs sims vs sims but in the end it’s just your own sim, isn’t it

[2025/09/04, 13:21:24] James: .

[2025/09/04, 13:21:55] James: A knot which has been at the right side of my spine for the last 3 weeks (and probably forever if I’m honest) has moved up to my neck

[2025/09/04, 13:22:06] James: The spinal muscles feel clear and loose

[2025/09/04, 13:22:30] James: It feels like this is a somatic representation of the anger; maybe

[2025/09/04, 13:22:36] James: It’s been there forever

[2025/09/04, 13:22:40] James: And now it’s not

[2025/09/04, 13:22:44] James: After that dream

[2025/09/04, 13:22:52] James: Let’s see how I feel tonight

[2025/09/04, 13:44:07] James: .

[2025/09/04, 13:44:15] James: Back into 60FPS 4k mode

[2025/09/04, 13:44:24] James: And ice cream tastes gooood

[2025/09/04, 13:44:52] James: Was it always this simple?

[2025/09/04, 13:44:58] James: But life taught me violence

[2025/09/04, 13:45:01] James: So no. It wasn’t

[2025/09/04, 13:45:06] James: Life taught me to hide my self

[2025/09/04, 13:45:12] James: And be someone else to please others

[2025/09/04, 13:45:23] James: And I learned all these lessons hard

[2025/09/04, 13:45:29] James: Because of dopamine dysregulation

[2025/09/04, 13:45:40] James: That’s why people like me get traumatised

[2025/09/04, 13:45:53] James: We learn the stimulating things really really quickly

[2025/09/04, 13:46:00] James: And what’s more stimulating than pain?

[2025/09/04, 13:46:09] James: That’s why we are HSP

[2025/09/04, 13:46:22] James: And also why we become so fucking good at things so fast

[2025/09/04, 13:46:33] James: The chisel of our mind is sharper

[2025/09/04, 13:46:37] James: The grooves cut deeper

[2025/09/04, 13:46:41] James: But also harder to remove

[2025/09/04, 13:46:51] James: So then you have rigidity of thinking

[2025/09/04, 13:46:54] James: It’s all dopamine

[2025/09/04, 13:47:07] James: But if we can learn to ride the tiger

[2025/09/04, 13:47:11] James: Get it under control

[2025/09/04, 13:47:21] James: Can’t we also make our worlds even better than the average?

[2025/09/04, 13:47:36] James: If we manage to flip our dopamine latch over to that

[2025/09/04, 13:53:24] James: Phwoar that neck is tight

[2025/09/04, 13:58:38] James: Massage was on 13th July

[2025/09/04, 13:58:50] James: Shortly after the nibbana trauma release

[2025/09/04, 13:59:05] James: Yoga and physical interventions definitely have a place

[2025/09/04, 13:59:11] James: A big place, I think

[2025/09/04, 13:59:57] James: I might have another massage

[2025/09/04, 16:04:36] James: .

[2025/09/04, 16:04:37] James: Yep

[2025/09/04, 16:04:43] James: There’s the processing headache

[2025/09/04, 16:05:15] James: Grinding to a halt on the creative side

[2025/09/04, 16:23:34] James: .

[2025/09/04, 16:23:43] James: Anxiety a little high because of personal situation

[2025/09/04, 17:45:24] James: .

[2025/09/04, 17:45:24] James: Ha

[2025/09/04, 17:45:32] James: Well I was wrong about that addict being perfectly nice

[2025/09/04, 17:45:36] James: He flew off the handle

[2025/09/04, 17:45:40] James: People man

[2025/09/04, 17:45:42] James: With their sims

[2025/09/04, 17:46:09] James: Addicts

[2025/09/04, 17:46:14] James: Can’t be spoken to

[2025/09/04, 17:46:18] James: And that shit ain’t weed

[2025/09/04, 17:46:25] James: Weed does not make you behave like that

[2025/09/04, 17:46:35] James: Anyway - it actually doesn’t bother me

[2025/09/04, 17:46:45] James: Even this morning it would have

[2025/09/04, 17:46:51] James: But I think something has changed

[2025/09/04, 17:46:56] James: Still annoying

[2025/09/04, 17:47:03] James: I wished him well and then blocked him

[2025/09/04, 17:49:04] James: This was my reply

[2025/09/04, 17:49:05] James: Oof. Chill. I'm not even in that subreddit any more. Angry person.

I love my weed. Anyway. I hope you'll be ok. I'm out of here.

[2025/09/04, 17:57:43] James: .

[2025/09/04, 17:57:48] James: I guess life nowadays

[2025/09/04, 17:57:51] James: And maybe forever

[2025/09/04, 17:57:59] James: Has shown people that everyone is in it for themselves

[2025/09/04, 17:58:05] James: Everyone has an ulterior motive

[2025/09/04, 17:58:19] James: So they have learned to distrust

[2025/09/04, 17:58:30] James: And this has led to them being angry and isolated

[2025/09/04, 17:59:04] James: Everyone is isolated and angry

[2025/09/04, 17:59:10] James: I know I was

[2025/09/04, 17:59:27] James: Anyway I guess people need to reach critical mass

[2025/09/04, 17:59:33] James: I kept trying to slap solutions on top

[2025/09/04, 17:59:36] James: Actions

[2025/09/04, 17:59:38] James: Success

[2025/09/04, 17:59:40] James: Money

[2025/09/04, 17:59:42] James: Fitness

[2025/09/04, 17:59:43] James: Art

[2025/09/04, 17:59:45] James: Drugs

[2025/09/04, 17:59:57] James: They were all the same I think

[2025/09/04, 18:00:29] James: What an angry guy

[2025/09/04, 18:00:44] James: But then he was preaching about that ‘weed’ the same way I was preaching about aripiprazole

[2025/09/04, 18:00:48] James: That’s a huge red flag

[2025/09/04, 18:01:03] James: I wouldn’t be surprised if this H4CBH junk is an antipsychotic

[2025/09/04, 18:01:20] James: There are lots of variants on aripiprazole being cooked up right now, weirdly enough

[2025/09/04, 18:02:21] James: Absolutely no knowing what is in those new ‘cannabinoids’

[2025/09/04, 18:02:31] James: The government is making a real mess for innocent people

[2025/09/04, 18:02:49] James: Cannabis arrests seem to be up at the moment. And not even cannabis but ‘cannabinoid component’ things

[2025/09/04, 18:02:56] James: So these folks - actors and CEOs

[2025/09/04, 18:03:06] James: They will have been using the legal ones I guess

[2025/09/04, 18:03:15] James: And then it got too dodgy so they stuck with the weed

[2025/09/04, 18:03:28] James: While that whole subreddit have gone down the mystery drug rabbit hole

[2025/09/04, 18:04:04] James: Well

[2025/09/04, 18:04:07] James: Not my problem

[2025/09/04, 18:04:16] James: My problem is killing my hero complex

[2025/09/04, 18:04:17] James: Ha

[2025/09/04, 18:04:26] James: I reckon that one came from fucking Sunday school you know

[2025/09/04, 18:04:33] James: Fucking Christianity

[2025/09/04, 18:04:48] James: Put all others above yourself at all cost, little ‘take things literally boy’.

[2025/09/04, 18:05:01] James: Doesn’t really matter where it came from

[2025/09/04, 18:05:15] James: That’s one of the main causes of my anger and stupid decisions

[2025/09/04, 18:05:22] James: So it is on the way out