sittingmeditation

Not every meditation session will be ‘good’, and that is good. In fact, the ‘bad’ sessions are where you make the real progress.

There is a well-established cycle in buddhist insight: Arising and Passing, Dissolution, Dark Night, Equanimity. The launchpad for nibbana is immediately after ‘the dark night to end all dark nights’, if you build enough momentum.

In terms of dopamine these map to the 4 states below. They always seem to occur in this order and come in both macro and micro cycles. Sometimes you will have all of the phases in a single session, whilst also having a protected version of them play out over the course of months in daily life.

This is normal and natural. Part of what you are training yourself to do is to observe these states and recognise that they all come, they all go, they are not ‘you’, you are not trapped, and the liberation actually arrives as the result of staying ardent through the darkest of nights.

It is important to know that these phases are often consolidated while you sleep. You may go to sleep with A&P and then wake up with dissolution and think ‘bummer’. But that’s good; that’s progress.

The Dark Night is where you dig up your demons, and Arising and Passing is where they are blasted away.

If you develop discomfort or an itch or the desire to get up, just observe it for a second and *then* decide whether to act on it. You are ok to move to scratch an itch; it’s better than latching onto it. But you need to give it a second or two beyond the first impulse so that you are not simply reacting to a phasic burst but rather moving through conscious will.

Each phase of sitting meditation has its own quirks. The periods of high phasic tend to either a) trigger a tonic crash or b) trigger a tonic increase, depending on where you are in the cycle. It is natural and it always proceeds this way. Life situations can obviously impact things, so unless you are in a retreat you can expect variance.

Arising and Passing - Energy, Vibrancy, Joy, Bliss, The Divine

High tonic, high phasic.

The water is high, and the waves are big. Any flotsam will be washed away.

A&P events are incredibly pleasant. You can wind up with your view of the world being 60FPS 4K and your body tingling from head to foot. The first time you have a major AP event you might well feel enlightened; I know I did. 

You will have incredible amounts of creativity and energy during this phase. It is a great time for writing, art, anything. The entire preceding cycle will be exported; and that’s not just the bad stuff. All the problems and projects and ideas you have been working on will suddenly make sense, and you will have the drive to make them happen. Use it.

At the same time, do not to get attached to this feeling. It will pass, and you have to let it pass, or you will hold onto the baggage that has been flushed. We can most effectively train our system to ignore phasic dopamine during the good-times because we don’t have our survival instinct kicking in. This is where we find the berries on the tree, and we need to loosen our latch to the berries so the tiger in the bushes doesn’t scare us too much later on.

Focus will be naturally high and energetic. It might bounce around inside and outside of the body, but generally stay on-task and engaged in the sensations rather than get stuck on thoughts. Let your tiger play. You might find yourself wanting to jump up and tell everyone ‘job done’ but try to stay on the mat.

Enjoy the feeling. Lean into it. Use it as your meditation object. Identify a pleasant feeling in your body and gently focus on it, releasing the attention to your breath. Let the pleasant feeling become your all, and spread over your body like ink in water, and then watch it gradually dissolve and feel relief. Do not hold onto it and do not chase it.

This is where the junk from the last cycle is flushed. There can be an incredible variety of ultimate-bliss type feelings here, and a lot of meditators get stuck on chasing there feelings. Make sure you are not one of them, or you will miss the chance for real growth.

Dissolution - Disappointment, Fading, Losing of Joy, Sinking, Anxiety

Low tonic, low phasic

The water is low and the waves are small. This is the calm before the storm.

This is where the monsters you want to remove start to show their faces. It can feel disheartening to have the joy of the last phase pass, but recognise that this is the on-ramp to real liberation.

This is a good time to journal and try to think about what object you want removing from your psyche. Remember that you cant actively choose what will be taken away; all you can do is provide suggestions. Keep it gentle. Don’t force anything. You are in a low phasic period and now is the time for quiet contemplation.

You will find that your focus is still fairly good, but not ‘sharp’ like in the AP phase. You will be able to bring your mind to a point, but you might feel some dullness creeping in from the sides. This is natural, but you want to try to keep on task and ensure you don’t just let your focus melt into nothingness.

Stay attentive to your breath, or rocking or totem or whatever your meditation object is. Explore your body with your consciousness. Thoughts may arise but they won’t be thick-and-fast. This is your preparation for what is to come. Line up your targets, but again, keep it gentle. Do not get attached to having them gone; merely hold them in your mind briefly and then let them go. The unconscious will do the rest for you.

Dark Night - Fear, Misery, Disgust, Desire for Deliverance

Low tonic, high phasic

The water is low and the waves are ferocious

This is where you can get some serious work done. This is the on-ramp to liberation. But it’s a bitch.

You have choppy motivation and low mood. Your mind can’t focus because of the low tonic dopamine, and instead it darts around finding the least pleasant feelings available. The big-ass waves are hitting the silt at the bottom of your river and dislodging some major shit. This is where you get the ball rolling.

This is also where you think ‘goodness this meditation thing is hard’ and ‘I am definitely not doing this right’. Well… you’re doing it right. And it’s hard. But this is The Work. This is where you are digging those twigs and branches and trunks up for removal. This is where you line up the real breakthroughs.

If your brain latches on to a thought and just won’t let go, this is the time to make that thought into your meditation object. Observe it, and observe how your body feels. Gently hold the thought, and recognise how it was likely some form of survival instinct that was kicking in, be it physical survival or survival of a mental state or mode of being. Just let it be, and it will eventually fade. Eventually.

From my experience, the lower your mood is and the worse the dark night is, the bigger the reward will be. My 88 hells were followed by nibbana. Hold that in mind. The reward is proportional to the effort. You cannot force this period to pass, and if you stop here you might well end up with the junk sticking out and no way to clear it. Drugs and alcohol and medication trap many a person in this phase.

Rest assured that the phasic waves which are making your attention dart to all the nastiness in your life are actually raising your water level once more. Tonic dopamine was low, and the phasic waves are coming in to fill it. They will toss you about and you will have to keep bringing your focus back, bringing your focus back, over and over again, and then… it’ll pass.

Equanimity - Wellbeing, Comfort, Knowledge you are Safe, Liberation

High tonic, low phasic

The water is high and the waves are small. This is easy sailing.

This is what you were aiming for. The logs have been dislodged and now the water level is rising. You will find your mind is calm once more, and happy, joyous even, light and liberated. You will know that the dark night has passed and you are safe.

This is where the junk comes to the surface. You might find some images coming to mind, while dark night was more thoughts. You might not. That doesn’t mean you aren’t processing things; not everything has enough salience to break through the kind of natural focus you will retain in this stage. Enjoy the feeling of wellbeing and relaxed focus in your mind and body.

This is where you know that everything will be ok, even though it’s maybe not ok. This is where you know that the cycle has always repeated and will always repeat and you are doing the work and the work will work.

This is where you might find yourself face to face with your abuser, or the suicide corpse, or any number of things, and just be able to look, without shying away. And look you should, because anything that comes up during this phase is about to be flushed. 

This is where you feel a certain ease in your life which you never knew existed.

… and then it’s on to

… Arising and Passing

Where all of the junk is just flushed. All the ideas come together. The neural network is reformed. You feel liberated and enlightened and free. 

And the cycle starts again, a little faster and a little easier each time, because there’s less junk blocking the river.

Initially you will clear the twigs. Then you will clear the branches. And eventually you will get to the trunks. It is not in your control. This is just how the layers of your mind work. This is how they have worked since time immemorial. Check the ancient buddhist texts if you like. This is how you polish the mirror of your soul so you can reflect the reality of the world.

Stay ardent but do not strive.

Do the work, and observe the results

Seeing the results will give you more belief, more dopamine, and deeper insight.

It’s a fantastic feedback loop.

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