simplicity

Good morning!

I have woken before dawn. The moon was low and luminescent again last night. The crickets are singing. This is how it was in the meditation retreat. Every morning waking and seeking out the forager ants. Meditation starts a 4:30, before breakfast. This is how I will do things from now.

The initial export of my insights from the enlightenment experience is done. As usual, I looked up one day and knew it was finished, pending a little polishing. This was the review phase of which they talk. Because these events are far more common than I ever knew.

In Zen is it called kenshō - your first seeing through of reality. The emphasis is on ‘first’. It is not permanent. The buddha said that the lay person will think of nibbana ‘I am nibbana, I dwell in nibbana’ but the trained disciple will recognise that the direct perception of nibbana is not permanent. Nibbana itself is unconditioned reality, but you cannot dwell there.

In my model it is a consolidation, nothing more. It is a domino removed from the chain of thought, so the stack can be rearranged and restarted. The idea of perfect enlightenment is a nice ideal, but you would need perfect lessons in order to get there. After the consolidation you can expect to return to your conditioned being and a lot of your habitual behaviours to return, in a weakened form.

This is the case for me. I have my old conditioning, but I can laugh at it more. Sometimes it tries to sweep me away, but I seem unmoved. The train is decoupled. It will move toward a habitual mental grasping, but on seeing that it causes me pain it will not buckle the car.

Nibbana is only the beginning.

So now I know what dvar is. As usual I sent the link around a little early, knowing how the project would look before it was done. I’m the same with my art; I can never wait. Or I was the same; I am not compelled on the art front any more. I am motivated on all fronts, but it is not a dirty motivation. It is not a greed for approval or respect or achievement. It is just a motivation to find out the truth, get research happening, and share a protocol which can help people.

Unfortunately the adhd community seem to have been well and truly swallowed by the ‘the only science is drugs’ narrative. Is this not just more of the reliance on external factors to manipulate our dopaminergic signalling? How is this any different from going for a bike ride or meditating; two activities which have been empirically shown to increase dopaminergic tone?

Yet there is so much misinformation out there. People curing their adhd with pineapple juice and pogo sticks. Huh; the pogo stick might be valid actually but you know what I mean. The victim narrative is a seductive one if you have dysregulated dopamine.

This is real and needs research. I’m trying to get in touch with Shinzen Young and will look into other meditators working on neuroscience. But more than that, I want to ensure that this does not become an ego project. I want to help people. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Only 2 months ago I also thought that drugs were the only answer. After a life of suffering with my only release being substances, can you blame me?

I can’t blame them. All I can do is ardently work at my task and try for the next seeing-through. If my sample size is n=1 then I need to make sure the data is complete.

I wonder who else would take me seriously. The Therevāda school won’t; they’re too trapped in their dogma. The Zen school might. Maybe nobody will. Even the buddha had to fight against internal doubt for the 45 years he taught after his perfect enlightenment.

So I guess I will focus on building a solid daily practice. People have been experiencing this since the dawn of people. I’m not the first and there is a map already.

Dōgen, the founder of the Sōtō school of Zen said: “We hate it, because it is too simple and we persistently think we need more.”

Does this not remain the case? Do I not think I need more?

I do not. The plan is done. It’s a case of slight refinements in daily practice now, but the overall plan: Z2 exercise, moderate stimulation on-ramp, and then sitting. That is it. That is all. You do not need more.

So my next step is to stoke the fire inside, and to allow true devotion to the practice. Plan your work and work your plan. Trust that the results will come.

Every day I do this, my world is a little easier. It doesn’t have to reach a climax; every mountain is just a series of single steps. You turn around and see the view, gradually widening. Do not look at the mountain. The mountain is too big. Look at your feet and plant them well. You know the summit can be crested.

What will be will be. I will share this information with people. Someone, eventually, will see the value in it. And in the meantime, I can help the people closest to me and help myself.

The euphoria has passed and I am back to normality. But this is a new normal. The pain has not returned. I am no longer an empty, hungry ghost, struggling to keep his head above the water on his way to the grave.

I am alive. I am awake.

Time to sit.

/jb202509090448

this book has a lot of acounts of people's awakenings in various religious frameworks; many track with mine