20250910

[2025/09/10, 10:42:19] James: esterday really has wiped me out

[2025/09/10, 10:42:30] James: Playing golf while having a difficult conversation

[2025/09/10, 10:42:41] James: My mind is going to the dark extremes

[2025/09/10, 10:42:44] James: It always does this

[2025/09/10, 10:42:53] James: Why can’t it just function like a normal brain

[2025/09/10, 10:43:11] James: Being pushed into meltdown by my wife repeatedly

[2025/09/10, 10:43:17] James: And it just lasts for days

[2025/09/10, 11:00:00] James: .

[2025/09/10, 11:00:02] James: The thing is

[2025/09/10, 11:00:06] James: You can feel it happening

[2025/09/10, 11:00:13] James: You can feel how unreasonable you are being

[2025/09/10, 11:00:15] James: You know it

[2025/09/10, 11:00:18] James: But you can’t stop

[2025/09/10, 11:00:27] James: You know how ridiculous the thought process is getting

[2025/09/10, 11:00:34] James: You know they don’t mean things that way

[2025/09/10, 11:00:37] James: But you can’t fucking stop

[2025/09/10, 11:00:45] James: Because your fucking steering wheel is broken

[2025/09/10, 11:00:54] James: So your car is still going full speed

[2025/09/10, 11:00:59] James: And you’re trying to fucking steer

[2025/09/10, 11:01:04] James: But your steering is shot

[2025/09/10, 11:01:08] James: And your brakes are gone

[2025/09/10, 11:01:16] James: So all you can fucking do is hit the accelerator

[2025/09/10, 11:01:22] James: And I have no idea how to control this now

[2025/09/10, 11:01:31] James: Stuck on a fucking golf course with a cart

[2025/09/10, 11:01:37] James: Between stacked groups

[2025/09/10, 11:01:42] James: Absolutely no way out

[2025/09/10, 11:01:46] James: And you can’t control your brain

[2025/09/10, 11:01:54] James: And now I’ve tried to go for a fucking walk

[2025/09/10, 11:02:05] James: And I’ve been called back because I need to do some fucking insurance paperwork

[2025/09/10, 11:02:10] James: With a guy who’s dad just died

[2025/09/10, 11:02:24] James: So I’ll have to be nice and friendly and fucking hell

[2025/09/10, 11:02:29] James: I feel for him. That’s the thing

[2025/09/10, 11:02:36] James: I didn’t want him to come until he had had more time

[2025/09/10, 11:02:41] James: But work is work and he needs his money

[2025/09/10, 11:02:45] James: And I need to be here

[2025/09/10, 11:02:53] James: With my mind in dark places and my steering broken

[2025/09/10, 11:03:00] James: And fucking review contracts in fucking Japanese

[2025/09/10, 11:03:05] James: And exchange pleasantries

[2025/09/10, 11:03:13] James: With a guy who is grieving the death of his father

[2025/09/10, 11:03:17] James: It’s …

[2025/09/10, 11:03:20] James: It’s too much

[2025/09/10, 11:03:33] James: Just too much

[2025/09/10, 11:03:49] James: And because I managed for 41 years, it’s expected as the norm

[2025/09/10, 11:03:54] James: The fact I nearly killed myself

[2025/09/10, 11:04:04] James: And my mind is still conditioned to go to that as an option

[2025/09/10, 11:04:17] James: That fact seems to have been swept under the fucking rug

[2025/09/10, 11:04:29] James: Because I need to fucking … what?

[2025/09/10, 11:04:32] James: I don’t need to do shit

[2025/09/10, 11:04:37] James: This is all for other people

[2025/09/10, 11:04:45] James: Fucking insurance

[2025/09/10, 11:04:52] James: My god there could not be a worse time

[2025/09/10, 11:07:36] James: Fear

[2025/09/10, 11:07:38] James: Misery

[2025/09/10, 11:07:40] James: Disgust

[2025/09/10, 11:07:44] James: Desire for deliverance

[2025/09/10, 11:07:54] James: Fuck me this all makes me sick

[2025/09/10, 11:22:22] James: .

[2025/09/10, 11:22:30] James: Now to try out my regulation protocol I guess

[2025/09/10, 11:22:32] James: Bike ride

[2025/09/10, 11:36:52] James: .

[2025/09/10, 11:36:57] James: What happened in school wasn’t fair

[2025/09/10, 11:37:03] James: Attacked from behind by groups

[2025/09/10, 11:37:08] James: Stamped into the ground

[2025/09/10, 11:37:12] James: Brick to the head

[2025/09/10, 11:37:17] James: Called autistic retard

[2025/09/10, 11:37:22] James: No wonder I learned to fight

[2025/09/10, 11:37:25] James: But it wasn’t fair

[2025/09/10, 11:37:27] James: And it’s over

[2025/09/10, 11:37:32] James: And it’s not my fault

[2025/09/10, 11:40:47] James: .

[2025/09/10, 11:40:52] James: No wonder I feel trapped easily

[2025/09/10, 11:40:57] James: And it makes me aggressive

[2025/09/10, 11:41:00] James: I was conditioned

[2025/09/10, 11:41:02] James: .

[2025/09/10, 11:44:30] James: And then the friends I was fighting to protect

[2025/09/10, 11:44:32] James: Abandoning me

[2025/09/10, 11:44:36] James: Full on disowning me

[2025/09/10, 11:44:40] James: For their own protection

[2025/09/10, 11:44:45] James: No wonder I have trust issues

[2025/09/10, 11:53:40] James: .

[2025/09/10, 11:53:44] James: In the classroom

[2025/09/10, 11:53:47] James: Chairs to the head

[2025/09/10, 11:53:50] James: Headbutted

[2025/09/10, 11:53:53] James: Endless elbows

[2025/09/10, 11:54:05] James: That girl kicking me in the balls from behind multiple times

[2025/09/10, 11:54:09] James: Attacked then laughed at

[2025/09/10, 11:54:13] James: Then attacked again afterward

[2025/09/10, 11:54:27] James: And also attacked by the teachers because it takes two to tango

[2025/09/10, 11:54:37] James: And then moved forms because the bullies were numerous

[2025/09/10, 11:54:41] James: The brick to the back of the head

[2025/09/10, 11:54:47] James: And waking up in another building

[2025/09/10, 11:54:52] James: The gangs

[2025/09/10, 11:54:55] James: At the gates

[2025/09/10, 11:54:59] James: The only way being through

[2025/09/10, 11:55:04] James: It was so bad

[2025/09/10, 11:55:08] James: So bad

[2025/09/10, 11:55:12] James: And it’s left me conditioned

[2025/09/10, 11:55:22] James: The boy who loved double bass and dancing and flowers

[2025/09/10, 11:55:29] James: Had to learn to fight

[2025/09/10, 11:55:35] James: And that conditioning is still there

[2025/09/10, 11:55:41] James: But it’s loose, rattling

[2025/09/10, 11:55:48] James: So the boy knows he doesn’t want to react that way

[2025/09/10, 11:55:52] James: But the man lingers

[2025/09/10, 11:55:57] James: And I’m going to fucking remove it

[2025/09/10, 11:56:03] James: I am going to fucking remove that conditioning

[2025/09/10, 11:56:07] James: Because I did not ask for it

[2025/09/10, 11:56:12] James: And it does not serve me

[2025/09/10, 11:56:15] James: Or anyone I love

[2025/09/10, 11:56:18] James: It just hurts

[2025/09/10, 11:56:21] James: It is barbed wire

[2025/09/10, 11:56:25] James: And it’s time to remove it

[2025/09/10, 12:12:15] James: .

[2025/09/10, 12:12:20] James: I stopped all music

[2025/09/10, 12:12:21] James: All art

[2025/09/10, 12:12:23] James: All dance

[2025/09/10, 12:12:31] James: And that boy was wrapped in this barbed wire

[2025/09/10, 12:12:36] James: Until the art freed him

[2025/09/10, 12:13:35] James: .

[2025/09/10, 12:13:39] James: I think that boy is god

[2025/09/10, 12:13:40] James: .

[2025/09/10, 14:16:51] James: Man

[2025/09/10, 14:16:58] James: Last night I see the strings again

[2025/09/10, 14:17:01] James: And then I wake up

[2025/09/10, 14:17:03] James: Fear

[2025/09/10, 14:17:08] James: Misery

[2025/09/10, 14:17:10] James: Disgust

[2025/09/10, 14:17:14] James: Desire for deliverance

[2025/09/10, 14:17:21] James: Ride the bike

[2025/09/10, 14:17:39] James: Some kind of mini-re-observation

[2025/09/10, 14:17:43] James: And then equanimity

[2025/09/10, 14:18:08] James: Still intense

[2025/09/10, 14:18:13] James: But such a faster cycle

[2025/09/10, 14:18:26] James: Because there is no self around which the strings can coalesce

[2025/09/10, 16:27:40] James: .

[2025/09/10, 16:27:47] James: So yeah the texts were right

[2025/09/10, 16:27:51] James: And that meditation

[2025/09/10, 16:27:53] James: The strings

[2025/09/10, 16:27:56] James: With no centre

[2025/09/10, 16:28:00] James: It is amazing

[2025/09/10, 16:28:06] James: It all matches what is in that book too

[2025/09/10, 16:28:27] James: The Christian nun finding out she had no self, only the void, or emptiness, and that this was Christ for her

[2025/09/10, 16:28:37] James: For me it is the autistic kid who was trapped

[2025/09/10, 16:28:52] James: And the strings have nothing to wrap around

[2025/09/10, 16:29:04] James: They get activated but it’s like they’re free floating