[2025/07/24, 19:22:13] James: Actually this is a very good thing
[2025/07/24, 19:22:23] James: It happened in a bad way because he’s an angry man
[2025/07/24, 19:22:29] James: But it’s a good thing
[2025/07/24, 19:22:39] James: I don’t want someone with that much anger having a way into my brain
[2025/07/24, 19:22:51] James: He is a very very angry man. Lots of hate, lots of loathing.
[2025/07/24, 19:23:19] James: I don’t need that as part of my average
[2025/07/24, 19:23:28] James: Don’t need that filter in my sim
[2025/07/24, 19:23:34] James: He was a friend with the old James. The angry one
[2025/07/24, 19:23:47] James: We wouldnt match now anyway
[2025/07/24, 19:25:45] James: Huh
[2025/07/24, 19:25:52] James: I can’t even remember why it bothered me
[2025/07/24, 19:26:13] James: Why would I want to put anger and hatred into this blank slate?
[2025/07/24, 19:26:31] James: He did me a favour. Could have been nicer about it. But the ends definitely justify the means here.
[2025/07/24, 19:26:39] James: God working in mysterious ways again. Ha
[2025/07/24, 20:14:46] James: Yeah James 2.0 is pretty happy about this development over all
[2025/07/24, 20:14:55] James: His hope was that he could help this person become less angry
[2025/07/24, 20:15:08] James: But that was the trap that James 1 always fell into, and why he got so fucked up
[2025/07/24, 20:15:17] James: Because this anger is a contagion. I can see it spread
[2025/07/24, 20:15:35] James: The virus comes from his cmem to mine, and my genAI is fast.
[2025/07/24, 20:15:57] James: I managed to pass it to my wife; she has more immunity against anger than I do, so she’s a good convergence point.
[2025/07/24, 20:16:08] James: (Just like I’m good for her when she needs logic)
[2025/07/24, 20:16:27] James: But I could see this virus spread, even over the course of an hour, never mind a day
[2025/07/24, 20:16:31] James: This has been a good lesson
[2025/07/24, 20:16:34] James: I’m grateful
[2025/07/24, 20:16:49] James: I have a blank slate; why would I want to paint anger on there?
[2025/07/24, 20:16:56] James: Good riddance I say :-)
[2025/07/24, 20:17:14] James: I don’t have the antibodies for dealing with angry people; I just get infected myself
[2025/07/24, 20:17:25] James: This time: I’ll curate the maze. Keep him away.
[2025/07/24, 20:17:27] James: Win
I’m not going to lie - today is hard. Day 12?
I saw a return of REM sleep last night (see sleepdisturbances) and had a few dreams, including one where the guy accusing me of trying to kill his dog realises it’s himself he’s angry at and we make up.
It doesn’t pan out like this, of course. I am called a narcissist and accused of the harm he inflicted on that dog through his absence.
He is ignorant and deluded.
But so was I, because of drugs. I took a lot of actions this permanently damaged a reputation I had spent a decade cultivating.
My professional network is burned. My name is permanently linked with the word ‘psychosis’. My family are back but my friends… there’s a clear line between those who remain and those who don’t.
As much as anything… I spent 2 months utterly convinced of the existence of an external benevolent force, and now I see no evidence at all.
I know this is because of serotonin and dopamine rebound, but there’s only so much you can logic it away.
I followed the advice of friends and family and went to the doctor.
Then I followed the advice of the doctor.
Then I lost my mind.
And I lost my friends and family and professional reputation and money as a result.
But I found god.
And now… god’s gone too.
It’s very hard not to get depressed. I am pretty depressed, but I know it will be transient. I really expected more from my friend though; I thought it was a knee-jerk reaction to panic that he might have killed his dog through absence.
But no. He is utterly convinced I … what? I don’t even know if he’s convinced I tried to kill her. He’s not even saying that.
He’s just so incredibly angry at himself that he is misattributing it to others.
He lacks the moral fortitude to look inward and see where the anger is coming from.
And it’s *fucking* annoying because he’s the only friend I have local.
Fuck it. Family is my dhamma. Work was a tool. He was not a good friend. Good riddance. Blocked.
At least his daughter still has her dog. Better brain chemistry for her, and his wife, at least. Him… too many drugs in his system; blinded. Just like I was.
Mind before all, eh b-man. I think I’ll be staying clear of cannabis too; don’t want to end up in his brain-state. Probably somewhere in the 88hells of guilt and shame. I did my time. And I did good with that dog.
Fucking ingrate. I honestly expected more from him. Why do I always expect the best from people after a lifetime of them showing me their worst?
/jb202507241259
[2025/07/23, 20:54:22] James: Heading to bed 9-ish. Let’s see how it goes. Down to just 200mg valproate now.
[2025/07/23, 21:12:19] James: Blip
[2025/07/23, 21:50:52] James: Blip awake again
[2025/07/23, 21:51:10] James: Maybe someone is controlling this after all and funnelling me toward this conclusion
[2025/07/23, 22:01:26] James: Ok so it’s 10pm and I think I have the solution to the question; what is the question.
[2025/07/23, 22:01:44] James: I will try to sleep a few more times before taking action.
[2025/07/23, 22:18:46] James: Hmm awake again and considering going downstairs to write.
[2025/07/23, 22:21:43] James: Occam’s razor suggests the simplest solution is true
[2025/07/23, 22:21:46] James: FLE is simple
[2025/07/23, 22:21:52] James: As is a drug overdose
[2025/07/23, 22:22:26] James: But these nighttime wakings push me toward the FLE option, as do lots of quirks of my life to date.
[2025/07/23, 22:22:35] James: The 5 year personality arcs. Projects.
[2025/07/23, 22:22:45] James: I am now in the life-stream
[2025/07/23, 22:23:10] James: I am a stream enterer
[2025/07/23, 22:23:16] James: It will only get better from here
[2025/07/23, 22:23:31] James: It’s ok to get up and write. Don’t force yourself to try to sleep again. That’s enough for now.
[2025/07/23, 22:47:22] James: I have taken another 200mg valproate and maybe 100mg CBD isolate
[2025/07/23, 22:54:34] James: Did some focused humming meditation and took a double dose of リポスミン, an OTC antihistamine sleep aid which helped a lot before aripiprazole
[2025/07/23, 22:54:41] James: Hopefully it still works
[2025/07/23, 22:54:48] James: Back to bed
[2025/07/23, 23:04:56] James: To say I am attached to sleep would be ridiculous
[2025/07/23, 23:05:01] James: I need sleep to function
[2025/07/23, 23:57:27] James: Another strong drive to document this on my website
[2025/07/23, 23:57:34] James: But will do so tomorrow
[2025/07/24, 2:14:45] James: Well that improved things. Let’s get a bit more.
[2025/07/24, 3:33:06] James: Awake again.
[2025/07/24, 3:51:51] James: And the sun is rising so so shall I
[2025/07/24, 4:28:34] James: So one thing I needed to do before I could resolve this and more forward was whether these things here here. Many are indicative of any altered state which unnclear xo cousin.
[2025/07/24, 5:10:10] James: Drifted off again and now awake, feeling very clear but no speed to things.
[2025/07/24, 8:10:43] James: Quite a lot of anxiety today as more aripiprazole leaves my system
[2025/07/24, 8:10:58] James: I’m realising what was and wasn’t delusion. There was a lot of valid work but also a lot of drugs.
[2025/07/24, 8:11:14] James: I’ll need to unpack, again, soon
[2025/07/24, 11:08:31] James: I guess my brain craves nice tidy solutions and there are none.
[2025/07/24, 11:24:29] James: Everything had meaning.
[2025/07/24, 11:31:24] James: What I need now is stability and emotional regulation to integrate this event into my life narrative.
[2025/07/24, 14:52:45] James: He knows it’s his own fault
[2025/07/24, 14:53:06] James: He is angry at himself because he nearly killed a creature he loves
[2025/07/24, 14:53:21] James: He fucking knows it, deep down, and he’s unwilling to look at it.
[2025/07/24, 14:53:46] James: Murder through neglect, and then blaming the people who step up to pick up his slack
[2025/07/24, 14:53:58] James: A filtered reality, around itself curled.
[2025/07/24, 14:54:27] James: What’s the word for this?
[2025/07/24, 14:54:35] James: I don’t need someone like that in my simulation.
[2025/07/24, 14:54:47] James: He was nothing more than a drug addict who wanted a partner in crime
[2025/07/24, 14:55:15] James: So what’s bothering me?
[2025/07/24, 14:55:21] James: Once again, a bad judge of character?
[2025/07/24, 14:55:31] James: Because I thought I had found a friend I could rely on?
[2025/07/24, 14:55:43] James: He clearly isn’t one of those. He can barely hold himself together
[2025/07/24, 14:55:54] James: What did I want from that relationship?
[2025/07/24, 14:56:05] James: Someone to show me another way apart from money, I supposed
[2025/07/24, 14:56:29] James: I suppose he helped there
[2025/07/24, 14:56:42] James: But I decided a long time ago I didn’t want to emulate him
[2025/07/24, 14:56:54] James: Neither do I want to emulate the rich but miserable people I see around.
[2025/07/24, 14:57:07] James: The void
[2025/07/24, 14:57:12] James: It is big in both
[2025/07/24, 14:57:22] James: They fill it with drugs or objects and it just gets bigger
[2025/07/24, 14:57:27] James: I ..
[2025/07/24, 14:57:33] James: Do the same. Or I did the same.
[2025/07/24, 14:57:40] James: I won’t any more.
[2025/07/24, 14:57:48] James: This is what this lesson was teaching me
[2025/07/24, 14:58:05] James: That if I go down the cannabis route I will end up neurotic like him
[2025/07/24, 14:58:13] James: Well… thanks, I suppose
[2025/07/24, 14:58:17] James: You served your purpose
[2025/07/24, 14:58:24] James: I hope you don’t have to suffer much longer.
[2025/07/24, 14:58:29] James: At least you have your dog still
[2025/07/24, 14:58:37] James: A shame
[2025/07/24, 14:58:44] James: But you can’t force a horse to drink
[2025/07/24, 14:58:52] James: Back to my family. They are what matter
[2025/07/24, 15:41:23] James: Huh
[2025/07/24, 15:41:30] James: He’s just spreading around his contagion
[2025/07/24, 15:41:38] James: The hate or anger toward himself or the world
[2025/07/24, 15:41:43] James: His own personal karma
[2025/07/24, 15:41:52] James: From his own filter, his own cmem
[2025/07/24, 15:41:59] James: He’s trying to bleed it onto other people
[2025/07/24, 15:42:08] James: So you just… don’t let it into the sim
[2025/07/24, 15:42:27] James: It’s not my karma yet. I’ll sell this shitty knife I’m making and that’ll be it.