20250728

[2025/07/28, 3:27:00] James: Don’t worry about other people yet James

[2025/07/28, 3:27:06] James: Still working on yourself

[2025/07/28, 3:27:23] James: There’s nothing you can do for them directly

[2025/07/28, 3:27:33] James: All you can do is try to become a better person

[2025/07/28, 3:27:49] James: And part of that is letting them make their own mistakes

[2025/07/28, 4:30:19] James: Hmm

[2025/07/28, 4:30:25] James: Waking up with elevated dopamine

[2025/07/28, 4:30:42] James: A drive to jump out of bed and do things.

[2025/07/28, 4:30:51] James: I will try to lie here a bit first

[2025/07/28, 5:25:42] James: Drifted off again but had a really bad dream where everyone was tricking me and trying to get me locked up in a mental institute 

[2025/07/28, 5:25:58] James: They had given me a narrative that things were ok, and I was trying to rebuild my life

[2025/07/28, 5:26:29] James: But it was all a trick and when I started to believe it they pulled the rug and tried to get me locked up without any evidence again

[2025/07/28, 5:26:40] James: Thing is it wasn’t a nightmare

[2025/07/28, 5:26:45] James: It just felt like reality

[2025/07/28, 5:26:58] James: Because that’s what my reality has been for the last few subjective years

[2025/07/28, 5:27:29] James: I really don’t want to go to this next psychiatrist but again - my family won’t let me not go

[2025/07/28, 5:27:35] James: I am sick of being pathologised

[2025/07/28, 5:27:58] James: Being labelled a broken person because I found a dead body and a cunt doctor gave me bad drugs

[2025/07/28, 5:28:02] James: I don’t want to go.

[2025/07/28, 5:28:13] James: Like a road you got raped on.

[2025/07/28, 5:28:25] James: I can’t think of another analogy for what happened to my mind

[2025/07/28, 5:28:38] James: It was defiled from the outside. Penetrated and changed

[2025/07/28, 5:28:47] James: And I’m being asked to go back down the same fucking road

[2025/07/28, 5:28:57] James: I am not happy about it.

[2025/07/28, 5:30:29] James: I will not let them even try to diagnose me without imaging and genetic tests this time.

[2025/07/28, 5:30:32] James: Not a fucking chance.

[2025/07/28, 5:30:37] James: I will flat refuse to talk to them

daterape 

[2025/07/28, 6:58:08] James: Fucking hell

[2025/07/28, 6:58:22] James: It seems I need to go to this new doctor as part of severing the ties with the old doctor

[2025/07/28, 6:58:32] James: I am permanently linked with that cunt until I find another doctor

[2025/07/28, 6:58:44] James: And I can never be ‘unlinked’ from psychiatrists now

[2025/07/28, 6:59:01] James: If the police or anyone ever get involved, I am permanently tarnished as a crazy fucking person

[2025/07/28, 6:59:15] James: It was very obvious to me that the one who has a shrink will always lose

[2025/07/28, 6:59:19] James: I fucking hate this

[2025/07/28, 6:59:26] James: They have pushed me into being the fucking victim

[2025/07/28, 6:59:32] James: I am not the fucking victim

[2025/07/28, 6:59:35] James: Fucking hell

[2025/07/28, 6:59:40] James: Cunt system

[2025/07/28, 7:54:31] James: I guess this is to be expected really

[2025/07/28, 7:54:35] James: I’ve had 3 nights sleep

[2025/07/28, 7:54:42] James: After 3 months of mental torture

[2025/07/28, 7:54:47] James: Which was actually 3 years for me

[2025/07/28, 7:54:54] James: This is only just starting to be processed

[2025/07/28, 7:55:03] James: Everyone around me … it’s old news for them

[2025/07/28, 7:55:06] James: For me it’s new

[2025/07/28, 7:55:12] James: I’ve only just come back to my self

[2025/07/28, 7:55:28] James: It’s expectable that I would be angry

[2025/07/28, 7:55:33] James: And reasonable

[2025/07/28, 7:55:44] James: But then they have their guilt about how things panned out

[2025/07/28, 7:55:51] James: And they don’t like to see me angry

[2025/07/28, 7:56:06] James: It makes them look at their own part in things even more

[2025/07/28, 7:56:23] James: But it was the doctor; we all know that

[2025/07/28, 7:56:47] James: The doctor that I paid to write a referral but who still hasn’t, so is still technically my doctor if something should happen

[2025/07/28, 7:57:03] James: If I did get into an altercation then he could administer these drugs to kill me

[2025/07/28, 7:57:07] James: Nothing I could do

[2025/07/28, 7:57:12] James: Because I’m mentally unstable

[2025/07/28, 7:57:23] James: The police would have to follow his advice because that’s how the system is

[2025/07/28, 7:57:28] James: And I would be killed

[2025/07/28, 7:57:40] James: It’s an extreme, but it’s not impossible given his reputation

[2025/07/28, 7:57:53] James: And the only way I can avoid this

[2025/07/28, 7:58:00] James: Is by going to ANOTHER FUCKING DOCTOR

[2025/07/28, 7:58:07] James: And trying to beg them for the all fucking clear

[2025/07/28, 7:58:13] James: This is guilty until proven innocent

[2025/07/28, 7:58:19] James: I FUCKING hate it

[2025/07/28, 7:58:31] James: And I am made to feel bad for this?

[2025/07/28, 7:58:38] James: Ridiculous

[2025/07/28, 7:58:48] James: I am scared of going to a psychiatrist

[2025/07/28, 7:58:49] James: Scared

[2025/07/28, 7:58:54] James: It’s that fucking simple

[2025/07/28, 11:59:52] James: Think I’ve forgotten valproate the last 3 days. Feel fine.

[2025/07/28, 12:00:11] James: The doctor thing was sorted circa 10am and I’ll update later.

[2025/07/28, 12:40:26] James: So yeah out at blueberries and feeling good

[2025/07/28, 12:40:44] James: The processing of events is happening the valproate is small fry; not even factoring into things

[2025/07/28, 12:40:59] James: Anyway we spoke with the next doctor and explained the situation.

[2025/07/28, 12:41:36] James: The chain of events. My mistrust of the system. The tests I require. The fact I am unwilling to jump through adhd diagnostic tests

[2025/07/28, 12:42:07] James: From my perspective the impact that aripiprazole had on me all but confirms epilepsy

[2025/07/28, 12:42:14] James: To anyone else I was just manic

[2025/07/28, 12:42:35] James: But I was seeing god and having seizures, which were subjectively counted as enlightenment events

[2025/07/28, 12:42:57] James: To go and start again would be a waste of time

[2025/07/28, 12:43:08] James: So I will ask for these tests and ask what my legal options are with my old shrink

[2025/07/28, 12:43:31] James: Because that guy needs to be stopped.

[2025/07/28, 12:43:39] James: And maybe the entire system needs changing

[2025/07/28, 12:43:42] James: But that can come later

[2025/07/28, 12:43:48] James: Deal with your own shit first

[2025/07/28, 13:13:44] James: Seems more likely than not that the dead body was his; I can’t think why else he would gloss over obvious ptsd that literally everyone else has defaulted to

[2025/07/28, 13:14:06] James: And that he has such a bad reputation he could not refer me for an MRI, never mind would not

[2025/07/28, 13:14:17] James: All he does is give out drugs and say peoples families are lying to them.

[2025/07/28, 13:18:05] James: Anyway I am feeling fairly good today despite all this crap

[2025/07/28, 13:18:13] James: I am looking at it kind of objectively.

[2025/07/28, 13:18:29] James: The objective thing is that I am very unhappy about what happened and want to ensure it doesn’t happen to anyone else

[2025/07/28, 13:18:37] James: Most of all I want to ensure it doesn’t happen to me again

[2025/07/28, 13:18:46] James: Which is why the apprehension about the next doctor.

[2025/07/28, 13:18:59] James: This is perfectly reasonable and based on experience, not paranoia

[2025/07/28, 13:19:14] James: I nearly died when I let the doctor lead the way

[2025/07/28, 13:19:20] James: Now I will control things

[2025/07/28, 13:19:23] James: It’s that fucking simple

[2025/07/28, 13:19:30] James: And if you don’t like it, eat a dick

[2025/07/28, 13:29:09] James: I’m eating this steak and it’s like I’ve never tasted steak before.

[2025/07/28, 13:29:19] James: I have such respect and gratitude for this meal

[2025/07/28, 13:29:31] James: I never even realised I was taking them for granted all these years.

[2025/07/28, 13:41:34] James: I’m really looking forward to the ice cream on the way home

[2025/07/28, 13:41:50] James: This is something of a family tradition in the summer. 2-3x per year we meet friends

[2025/07/28, 13:42:10] James: Drive an hour each way over the mountains, all you can eat blueberry picking, steak, and then back with ice cream

[2025/07/28, 13:42:13] James: I …

[2025/07/28, 13:42:20] James: I am surprised that I got to do it again

[2025/07/28, 13:42:28] James: And I feel really lucky

[2025/07/28, 13:42:40] James: I guess this is the near-death experience side of all the fuckery

[2025/07/28, 13:42:54] James: So many variables were thrown to the wind

[2025/07/28, 13:43:09] James: It’s amazing that I’m here at all let alone able to think coherently

[2025/07/28, 13:51:07] James: Standing in the rain, head upturned, feeling it on my eyelids

[2025/07/28, 13:51:18] James: Just complete relaxation into the moment

[2025/07/28, 13:51:22] James: Previously impossible.

[2025/07/28, 14:33:57] James: This is so nice. Driving. The sights; I never saw them before.

[2025/07/28, 14:34:05] James: The feel of the wheel in my hand.

[2025/07/28, 14:34:18] James: Stopping at little stalls to buy tomatoes. Wife happy

[2025/07/28, 14:34:26] James: From the outside I probably look miserable

[2025/07/28, 14:34:32] James: Because I’m not doing the social dance

[2025/07/28, 14:34:41] James: And inside I feel… alive. For the first time, maybe.