notesinthecupboard

Good morning! Beautiful day after a ‘bad’ dream… or was it?

I don’t buy into things as a rule but my pattern seems to be fitting the AP, D, DN, EQ model pretty closely. I had an AP dream yesterday then loads of clarity and productivity, before becoming anxious, then irritable, and having a difficult meditation session.

Last night saw a dream which addressed some pretty deep code: my hero complex. The fact that I jump in to ‘fight for justice’ even if it means sacrificing myself and even if the victims I am fighting for do not necessarily want me to.

This is still something that I am attached to, I realised as I jotted down the dream content. This is something that needs removing. 

Because who does it really help? When people have been hurt, what do they want? Do they want me to dive in and cause myself and others more pain by trying to ‘punish the evildoers’? No. They want their wounds tending and to prevent the harm from growing. They don’t want me take down the bully and cause myself more harm in the process.

“Fighting with them is what makes you sick”

This is some really deep programming for me. Deep, early childhood stuff. This is why school was so violent, and arguably the cause of everything being ‘cranked’ for my life to date. This is from my dad and from movies and from christianity and … I don’t think it’s from RSD. RSD has been killed.

That’s another amazing one for me. I doubt this all happened at times (also textbook) but I look at myself and I no longer have RSD. I am no longer a people-pleaser. That is… unbelievable. I had honed the RSD to a point because my whole job was about keeping people happy. And now… gone. I care about truth, and maybe improving their brain chemistry, but not placating them.

Anger, though. I said about a month ago that anger was the next fetter I had to remove. And then I kind of forgot about it.

I have this rule where I write down what I want to achieve in 5 years and then put it away in a cupboard and forget about it, and it magically happens. Company founder, ironman, early retirement, etc. I now think I was programming my sim with those notes. The note I have hidden away (somewhere) was written about 2.5 years ago and says simply ‘mental health’.

But who would have thought the answer was here all along. Meditation. But with a *proper on-ramp* tailored to people of my chemical makeup.

It really does feel like a river. You have all this junk which is jammed in there like the sticks in a game of kerplunk and once you remove one, the others start to loosen. You remove another and a ball or two fall. You remove a couple more and then a landslide.

I wonder how many more deep beliefs there are to uproot?

This will be why the Theravāda school will have told me this wasn’t stream entry but a ‘neurotic breakthrough’ (not a medical term). I think they are one and the same. I think its where you reach a critical mass of ‘kamma which doesn’t produce kamma’ and your previous wiring is wiped.

I think I did that with my notes, but my notes were bad. They were ‘get more’ and ‘be better’ and ‘you are not worthy’.

The reason that stream entry needs the teachings of the buddha is because those teachings show you how to remove your own suffering, and the suffering of others. So the mental phenomenon may well be the same, but all this phenomenon does is allow you to access and change some very deep code.

Now I am on to anger. And this is - surprise - the next step in the Theravāda model. Maybe because I am following the teachings of the buddha; in my own way. Or maybe because that’s the next domino on a biological level.

This all seems so obvious now. Trite, almost, when you put it into words. You are what you eat, blah blah blah.

But if you’re the user of a system you might be able to say ‘this is what is wrong with the system and needs changing; this is how it could be better’….

… but does that change the code? No.

So the problem is *how do you change the code*.

And the code is written in D. Dopamine.

If you try to force the code out, that’s phasic dopamine which is not powerful enough. That can only jam the sticks further into the silt of your brain.

You need that tonic dopamine level raising. And you need it holding there, sticks afloat, until a big phasic wave comes in and washes all the shit away. And I think that’s what an AP / fruition event is: the phasic wave. The megaquake after you have suppressed it for long enough.

So this is a deprogramming, a deconditioning, a gradual formatting of learned behaviours.

Each thought leads on to the next in an endless and conditioned domino chain. They began before you were born in the form of societal kamma and the global sim. You were born into this sim and the dominoes from the external started an internal chain, tick tick tick. Then you internalise this and reinforce parts, but it’s never really your choice; you are just a conditioned thing. Your body and your mind grew a certain way and were given a certain data set and your responses could be modelled on a computer if you had enough power and time.

Nibbana, and to a lesser extent the EQ>AP step, is a temporary cessation of that chain. 

Nibbana is removing a domino.

And once you come back, things are awry. You have the opportunity to start a new chain. You are off the rails, for the first time in your life.

But the chain that you start isn’t up to you. It’s up to your brain. And the brain will choose based on the data you have been feeding it. The chain is already there; it just hasn’t been activated.

So be careful what notes you put in your cupboard. Do not make them about striving or self-betterment. Make them about love and caring and kindness and acceptance. 

Because the world is a bitch, and you don’t change that by becoming a bitch yourself.

"He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me." Those who harbor such thoughts do not still their hatred.

Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal.

Those first few pairs from the b-man say it all, really.

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