teeth

At the start of the aripirazole episode half of one of my teeth fell out. It was a botched metal tooth put in when we moved to Sheffield right when the violence was starting, and had been a jagged feature in my mouth for 30 years.

As I touched a blade to a natural whetstones a chunk fell off the stone, then within a second this tooth that had been there for 30 years fell out. Near-identical size and shape.

I used the jagged metal tooth for the seducer, the demon, in Duel. I used the whetstone chunk for the fighter.

The tooth underneath was rotten so I spent 6 weeks having a root canal. The whole time I was in the hells I had a cap on the exposed root of my molar, and right as I came out the other end the dentist finished up with a perfectly smooth and rounded implant. Neither process could have been stopped.

These last two days I have been intentionally lining up the trauma from school for removal. A bike ride while identifying and bringing the feelings to the surface, then sitting and meditating and letting the quantum strings ebb and flow.

Last night saw a dream where 3 implanted teeth fell out. These teeth were nfc devices which had been put there by some kind of spy organisation. People were walking around with them, unaware, and they would activate whenever you neared certain doors.

Mine just fell out, one after the other. My wife was worried, but feeling around my mouth I knew my real teeth were still there. They were perfect and never needed any fillings in the first place. These fillings were my conditioning from school - of being trapped, ignored, embarrassed.

I wonder if that’s gone, too. Already? Surely it can’t be that easy.

But there is no longer a self for this conditioning to attach to. It’s gone. I look inside and I am empty. The quantum ball of neurotic strings is no longer spinning. This is what I destroyed in the hells. This is the metal tooth. And the other conditioning seems to be falling away.

It’s just… it’s amazing. The consolidation happens while you sleep. You do the work in the day, and the work is enjoyable. It can leave you with a processing headache; a mini-knot. But that knot works its way out in some kind of dream, and your brain is realigned.

This is the Level 2 developer coming in and fixing the duff code. There’s no real need for L3 / nibbana-work unless you have some serious shit to sort out. Nibbana may come again further down the line, but for now it’s a case of intentionally doing the work laid out in right effort and trusting the results.

It still feels like fate.

When I was in my alteredstates everything was fate. It would work out just how I saw it, but always in a way I did not expect. Things would go wrong but I was unperturbed because I knew they would be alright, somehow.

Now the work continues almost on its own. Not because of compulsion but because I know it is the right thing. It is right effort. It is right view. There is no doubt.

I was never a buddhist, and I still am not. But the words of the buddha are so true. He was a genius, and he showed the way, and you do not need to be religious to follow it. Most of what he taught now has names like ‘cognitive behavioural therapy’ or ‘somatic exposure’ or ‘acceptance and commitment therapy’ or ‘mindfulness’.

He intentionally created two aspects: the dhamma and the sangha. The opiate of the masses: providing companionship and answers for those who ask questions of the world, and the path to internal healing for the solitary traveller who asks questions of themself.

The solitary monks… I think they are the dysregulated fast-learners; the people who are traumatised by the conflict of living. They need the contemplative, meditative practices in order to integrate their experiences, but all we do now is write code and play computer games.

The developers and scientists need their regulation protocols back, removed from religion. They are isolated and lonely, and trying to solve the problem externally. Zuck with his Book. Good effort mate.

On some level I think I knew what was coming, before any of the doctors or the implosion. The process began when my parents visited okinawa and I put on my old mask. I had been doing the groundwork with 18 months of furious art; exporting everything I ever was, trying to find the source of my pain. While they were visiting, on the final day, a poem fell out of my brain fully formed. The final verse is:

What is a man

But the sum of the world

A filtered reality

Around itself curled 

That was the self. The self is gone. The Kid lined up the targets, saw his opening, removed the tooth, and set in motion a chain of events that could not be stopped.

And the process continues. The removal of the remaining chains, loose now and ripe for the weave.

It really is amazing.

/jb202509120430